The Christmas Special

Tarquin. So good of you to drop by.
Yes, boss. I have to say, my wife was very impressed by your henchmen’s big guns.
Oh, you weren’t doing anything important, were you?
Not really, no.
Tarquin, what is the meaning of that tree in the foyer? The one decorated with all those plastic things?
It’s a Christmas tree, boss.
And why, pray, is there a “Christmas tree” in the foyer?
Well, it’s Christmas.
There’s another thing, Tarquin. Marketing and Propaganda want me to wear this.
— What is it? — It’s a Santa hat, boss.
And what kind of creature is a “Santa”?
Well, he’s a fat, jolly old man who comes down the chimney at Christmas,
and puts presents for the children in stockings.
Why?
Well, it’s Christmas. You know...
...peace and goodwill, being generous, giving presents, all that kind of thing, you know...
Why?
Because... because...
Very well. But it may have escaped your attention, Tarquin, that I am not fat, I am not old,
and under no circumstances am I ever jolly.
And I do not make a habit of travelling by chimney.
No, no. The point is, you wear this to show you’re getting into the Christmas spirit.
And then people will think that you’re a nice man. And then they will subscribe to you,
and you will take over YouTube. That’s the plan.
I see.
Because obviously, despite all the things I have mentioned, people will inevitably mistake me for the real Mr Santa.
No, no, you see: Santa doesn’t really exist. It will just—
So by wearing a hat belonging to an obese, old, mythical, misguided weirdo,
whom I look nothing at all like,
people will be persuaded that I am in some way...
...“nice”.
Yes... basically, that’s it, yes.
— Tarquin. — Yes, boss?
— Don’t waste my time, Tarquin. — No, boss.
Back to work, Tarquin.
You mean, back home, boss. It is my day off.
I mean exactly what I say, Tarquin.
— But my wife... — She has the undivided attention of my henchmen,
don’t worry about her. You get back to work.