[Lord:] Excelsior!
Very well done indeed, archers!
[Archers:] Yaaay! We're the best!
[Knight:] We live to serve, lord!
The kingdom is safe for another day!
Archers! Ready bows!
Squires! To arms!
The orc armies have massed once more!
Beware, noble defenders!
They bring with them new tactics.
[Official:] Everyone, if I could have your attention, please.
Cease and desist.
[Lord:] Who goes there?
[Official:] I am Commissioner of the County Zoning Board.
You will stop preparing for battle this instant.
[Lord:] You expect the noble lord and his arms to bow at your will?
You seem to only have the flimsiest of armor!
[Official:] Have you not heard "The pen is mightier than the sword?"
[Lord:] Faithful knight! Caution!
He has a bewitched pen!
[Knight:] By what authority do you command us?
What are your titles?
[Official:] By the order of His Majesty, King Edward,
on the anniversary of his eldest son William's marriage
to the orcish princess Boondika,
I order the return of these lands to the orcs.
(Orcs grunting)
[Official:] His Highness wishes the healing begin between our two great races.
[Lord:] His Highness would give lands back to the filty orcs
due to his son's perverse love of orcish sex-think?
[Official:] Hold thy tongue when speaketh of the prince.
These lands will undergo re-integration at once.
The parapets with archers will have to come down immediately.
[Knight:] Those archers cover the eastern approach!
[Official:] I'm sorry, but it has to go.
First off, archers tend to remind orcs of being shot.
By archers.
[Knight:] It makes a twisted sense, milord!
And second, this area is zoned only for buildings that promote environmental proliferation.
So, you can have a vineyard here,
or a two-story greenhouse, or-
[Lord:] An orc graveyard!
[Official:] Nope. That requires more paperwork.
(Orcs grunting)
[Orc:] Hydras?
[Official:] Actually, yes. A nest of hyrdras is very green.
[Knight:] Hydras!
Taste the point of my sword, evil spawn!
[Official:] Slow down, Sir Stabsalot!
Hydras are a protected species!
And what is this?
[Knight:] 'Tis a squire encampment, for training of our ground defenses!
[Official:] Let me see-eth their licenses at once!
[Lord:] Licenses?
What licenses?
[Official:] No licenses, no training.
You can use this facility for...
a community loom to help bring in revenue to pay orcish reparations.
[Lord:] I will not give the monies of my kingdom to such a cause!
(Orcs grunting)
[Orc:] Spider cavalry?
[Official:] Ah, yes. That will do nicely.
[Lord:] WHAT?
[Knight:] Milord.
His enchanted bureaucracy is iron-clad!
He has us by the short 'n curlies.
[Lord:] How can you enter unto my realm,
unnanounced, and do this?
[Official:] These notices have been posted at Kingdom Hall for months.
[Lord:] I will not have my land get-ho fumped by a bunch of flea-bitten orcs!
(Orcs grunting)
[Orc:] Racist.
[Lord:] I speak the truth. Do they not have fleas?
[Official:] Well they do now,
after somebody forced them from their lands with nothing but flea-infested blankets.
[Knight:] Casinos!
[Lord:] Knight! Your gambling problem!
[Knight:] Milord, I must play, to ease my knight guilt!
Justification!
[Lord:] But where will I lord?
[Official:] Well... we have lovely new hamlets
in the Warlock Crypts, or the abysmal caves of the Everdark,
or Ye Olde AIDS Swamp!
[Lord:] Is the AIDS Swamp humid?
[Official:] Yes. Very.
(Orcs grunting)
[Orc:] Allegory.
