David Cross - 5/9/12 (FULL EP)

Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 09.05.2012


BETH HOYT: What is-- what are you-- what are you chewing?
Give that to me.

You have a strong jaw.

BETH HOYT: Hey, you guys, it's me.
Who am I?
I'm Beth Voight, John Voight's daughter.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not.
I'm Beth Hoyt's daughter.
But I am Angelina Jolie's sister.
Welcome to My Damn Channel LIVE for Wednesday, May 9.
We have a super-exciting show for you today.
David Cross is going to be a special guest, and he'll be
answering comments and tweets with me later in the show.
So if you have questions for him, tweet them,
comment them now.
We are really doing this live.
Now watch this.
I'm going to show that we're doing it live and we're going
to answer them because I'm going to answer a comment
right now from YouTube.
This is from Janssencox93.
I love you Beth!
You are totally awesome."
Lots of caps.
Lots of exclamation points.
That was live.
I didn't write it, I swear.
I don't think my mom has that handle, so I
think that was live.
That happened.
You see how easy that was.
Tweet me @thebethhoyt, #mydamnchannellive, or ask a
question in the live comments.
Be a part of our democracy.
Do something, for god's sake.
OK, first up though, it's a very special My Damn Channel
original comedy premiere.
After four years, Donnie Hoyle's back.
And he is just as supportive and patient as ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy your brand new episode of You
Suck at Photoshop.
DONNIE (OFFSCREEN): My name is Donnie,
and you suck at Photoshop.
But that's not a me problem, that's a you problem.
First of all, I'd like to extend an honorable mention to
all of the kinder shoppers who didn't fudge their Pull-Ups
when I asked them to help me spread the word to my attorney
that the ad we created was placed in legitimate
advertising places and that we fulfilled our obligation in
trade to our lawyer.
So congratulations.
D minus.
You passed.
But now it's time for you to take a journey.
It's time for both of us to take a journey.
Let's open up a photo, a photo that says a
second chance has begun.
A photo of a cat that your ex-wife rescued without
telling you and turned your house into a shitquariam and
created all sorts of turmoil but now has returned to you
across many continents and tens of thousands of leagues
to bring you a token--
a ring.
A ring whose powers had once been only used for evil but
now we know can be used once more for good.
And so we want to create an image that says the ring
bearer has returned the ring to its rightful owner.
And he is going to return to reclaim his throne.
And we want to put the ring on a pedestal to say
I'm ready to love--
or at least, I'm ready to spoon and listen to Ashford
and Simpson.
We've got to start somewhere.
So grab the Marquee Tool and select a rectangle of the
stone floor.
We're going to use a tool called Repousse.
And we're going to duplicate the background.
Go to 3D, Repousse, Current Selection.
And Photoshop is going to turn this into a 3D object, a 3D
object that we can manipulate in space and actually turn
into this stone pedestal, one that is worthy of the power of
the ring that sits upon it.
And we can use the 3D manipulator tool to turn it in
space, to scale it, to change its size, to even move it back
against the wall to suggest that it's
leaning up against there.
We can even change the materials.
We can change the shape--

bevels and all sorts of details here.
Something I'm sure your almond-sized brain is
incapable of understanding.
I created this material from some of the stone wall.
We won't take the time to clean this up.
We would make it look incredibly awesome, of course.
But time is of the essence.
And so we want to place the ring upon the pedestal.
No, you can keep my robe.
But I want my Members Only jacket back.
Our journey begins momentarily.
And now we want to do something bold--
bolder than a cat traveling 17,000 miles to bring a ring
back to its rightful owner.
We want to create a challenge, a challenge to the man and his
son, the only two people who are standing in
the way of our happiness.

The only two people that we need to take care of.


BETH HOYT: Yay, You Suck at Photoshop.
Did you guys know that the entire series is available on
our website?
No joke, you need to watch You Suck at Photoshop from the
beginning if you haven't seen it yet.
Go to mydamnchannel.com and check it out.
But not yet.
We have more show for you right here.
OK, right now we have another My Damn
Channel original premiere.
Now, Mom, you're going to want to close the tab for maybe a
minute or two.
You, 15-year-old boy, you're going to want to call your
friends over right now.
It's another episode of Co-op of the Damned with Sexorcist.


-Take me to her.
-Honey, there's someone here to help you.
-Untie me, you worthless, no-dick loser.
-The power of Christ compels you.
-Ah, screw your help.
I'm Satan's whore.
I'll kill you.
I'll kill your family.
I'll feast on your boners in hell.
-Uh, cast out, ye vile serpent.
-I'll claw your flesh.
I'll suck you off.
I'm sorry, did you say--
-I will suck you off.
-Maybe you should wait outside.
I mean, really.
I think I should--
-Right outside.
Right here.
Right there.
-Well, OK.
You're the expert.
-Things are about to get, um, real sticky.

Oh, that woman is full of hell fire.
-Is she cured?
-I'm going to have to, uh--
call in some colleagues.
She's a bit of a handful, if you know what I mean.
-I don't know what you mean.
I'm going to wait in there.


-You were right, it turns all the way around.
-Hey, weren't you wearing pants when we went in there?
-I'll get it.
I'll get it.
-Thanks, man.
-Excuse me, Father, but what the hell is going on here?
-Hey, language, son.
I'm a priest for Christ's sake.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-You should be.
-Hey, let's let these guys through.
Come on.
-Here we go.
Dominick, Marco.
All right, we're setting up on the right.
-Hey, careful where you point that thing.
-It's OK.

-My man.

-Father, is it over?
Oh, yeah.
I'm starving.

My god, you're OK.
I will never let you go through that again.
-What are you talking about?
They're coming back tomorrow.
-You mean--
I don't understand.
You're still possessed?
I was never possessed.
-Now untie me, you worthless, no-dick loser.

BETH HOYT: Now that's what I call interfaith healing.
I'm sorry and you're welcome?
Hey, have you guys sent your David Cross questions in yet?
Do it.
Do it now.
Tweet me @thebethhoyt, or just dump them right into the live
YouTube comments.
It's so easy it's stupid.
Stupid easy.
While you're sending in your comments and your questions, I
want to share with you this Craigslist ad I found when I
was looking for a roommate.
Check this out.
It says, "seeking room to grow wheatgrass.
Mature, clean, and respectable seeks roommate who's into
sprouts and health-conscious foods."
OK, I like wheatgrass.
I have no issues with sprouts, health-conscious foods.
I like it.
Guarantee you I hate that person because they need room
to grow their sprouts.
That said, I bet that sprout freak would still be a better
roommate than Dan St. Germain.
Who's Dan St. Germain?
He's an amazing comic, and the star of our next My Damn
Channel original comedy premiere.
It co-stars the great Christian Finnegan, as well as
Jordan Carlos of MTV's hit series, I Just
Want my Pants Back.
Here is Kicking Dan Out.

-Hey, what's going on, roommates?
-Dan, can you sit down?
-Holy shit.
Is this an intervention?
-Give me a second.
Give me a second.
I had to smoke crack to suck dick.
Other way around.
I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
You guys put me on the spot here.
THEME SONG: Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
-We're kicking you out.
-No, it's cool.
I'm totally addicted to hydrocodone.
-It's not just because you're a drug addict.
-What else?
-You haven't paid rent in three months.
-Well, that's fucking Lehman Brothers' fault.
If they hadn't collapsed and I hadn't lost my job--
-You were a janitor, and they fired you way before the
-Because I saw it coming.
-Uh, I think it was because you called a woman in a
wheelchair a [BLEEP].
-She was being a [BLEEP].
What, if you're handicapped, you're not
allowed to be a [BLEEP]?
That seems pretty narrow-minded, Jill.
-You're such a bad person.
-John, how about you?
you tried to fuck my girlfriend
when she came to visit.
-I was just giving her a whore test, man.
For you.
Turns out she's just really stuck up.
-I'll help you pack.
Even though I'm pretty sure all you have is a book on
flipping houses and a Bud Light T-shirt that says beware
of penguins.
-Oh, OK-- not all of us have fancy dress shirts or Blu-ray
or medicine or Google, Todd.
-It's Tim.
-Tim, Todd--
I've been kicked out of four places this year.
And that's not even counting the time I got thrown out of
Lady Foot Locker for eating a muffin.
This place is great.
There's no water that leaks on me and bugs and I'm not having
that dream where I'm-- where I'm driving a bus and we're
trying to get the kids to heaven, but the kids don't
know they're dead.
So I've got to tell them they're dead.
And we're so close to the park.
-I'm sorry.
-My dad treats me like shit.
I got a weird body.
-Yeah, we're done.
-I just want you guys to know, you were never second best.
-Thanks, Dan.
-Hey, Jill?
-Fuck you.
I was talking about the guys.

-You're-- you're going to take that cat, right?
-He's been dead for three days.

THEME SONG: Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.

I'm David Wain, and you're watching My Damn Channel LIVE.

-This is Adjustment Bureau.
You didn't know?
No, he ain't playin'.
-If you don't mind, I'm with the Adjustment Bureau.
-Go ahead.
-I'm going to do some minor adjustments if that's all
-All right, perfect.
-I'm adjusting people all day long.
-Oh, thanks.
-I'm with the Adjustment Bureau.
I went to FIT.
I know about fashion.
Women look at your shoes.
And also, women look at your dick.
So you want your dick and your shoes to be just right.
Because you never know when you're gonna run into that
butt that makes you want to jump up and down.
How do you say McMayhem in Korean?
Now, uh, take the jacket off.
-No, please, please, please, please.
Put your arms up.
Both arms up.
Both arms up.
You know, it's a sunny day.
You're wearing a nice belt.
It's a little punk rock.
It's a little chic.
Can I please just button one of your
buttons for you, please?
-Just one?
-Just one.
-I can't push your buttons?
Now you could take one of these earrings out and just
floss with one of these earrings on the left, just to
keep it gangster on one side.
Come on, you guys are shining stars.
Let me shine you glasses.
Let me shine your stuff.
Look at me, real quick.
This is going to be your last second.
-No, really.
-No, wait.
-No hair gel, please.
-When you go to the party tonight, you're not going to
have any boogies.
Check this out.
We have a winner.
We need deodorant.
Tuck it in.
Yeah, there you go.
OK, all around.
All around.
All around.
All around.
All the way around.
You've been adjusted.
Got to get rid of that hat, though.
For me, for the world, and for Ed Hardy.

BETH HOYT: It's David Cross, you guys.
BETH HOYT: David, thank you so much for being here.
I like this place.
It's adorable.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, it's so cute.
Now everyone knows you from Mr. Show with Bob and David
and Arrested Development and Increasingly Poor Decisions of
Todd Margaret.
But I'm not here--
I'm not here to talk about questions and you're stuff.
We're here to just really--
DAVID CROSS: Why did you put quotation
marks around questions?
BETH HOYT: Because it would feel--
DAVID CROSS: Because they would be questions.
BETH HOYT: I know, but it would feel like that to me.
That's an -ism of mine.
It's almost like this part of your hand is dancing.
BETH HOYT: It's a twitch I have.
I didn't mean--
BETH HOYT: This isn't about me.
This isn't about me.
I want to get to what's in here.
I just really want to cut to the chase.
Yeah, so how much cash you got in there?
I'd be a fool to keep cash here.
Some notes.
Take my girlfriend to Artinsanal.
Forgot about it.
BETH HOYT: OK, good note.
Have you done it yet?
DAVID CROSS: My car is parked on John, just passed Jay,
right near Punto Bianco.
BETH HOYT: OK, it is a red Pontiac Sunfire.
DAVID CROSS: Also, the shirt I saw in North Carolina the
other day about SkipSations, which is a skip-roping thing.
I assume it's gay, I don't know.
Which you're fully in support of-- you heard him.
DAVID CROSS: And, oh, the sign that the guy in Georgia put
up-- my home state.
He owns a bar, and he put a sign up that says, I do not
support that nigger in the White House.
That's my hometown, my home folks.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, holler to the hometown.
DAVID CROSS: And, uh, there's more.
Oh, sure.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
All right, that's it.
So underneath that pocket, I believe there's
a heart back there.
I want to get right into that.
And here's the deal, the way to just cut to the chase of
who you are inside is to find a survey by teenage girls.
So this is my friend, Emily the Brave's Tumblr.
Everyone's passing it around and re-blogging their answers.
So we really thought--
DAVID CROSS: Is she really your friend?
DAVID CROSS: She's a good friend?
BETH HOYT: A good friend.
I thought we should just get in there, and then re-blog
this and re-blog your answers.
I want to just warn you that some of these
questions are intense.
BETH HOYT: Are you ready?
DAVID CROSS: How old is Emily?
DAVID CROSS: It doesn't matter.
She's a teen.
BETH HOYT: She's between 16 and 36.
All right.
So the first question-- we just randomly chose, there's a
list of 50 questions.
Here we go.
"Have you ever been told you were amazing?"
DAVID CROSS: Yes, I have.
BETH HOYT: That's so great for you.
BETH HOYT: It was a long time ago.
I wasn't that cognizant.
It was during my bris.
And I believe I was eight days old, but the mohel said that
to me, whispered it in my ear.
BETH HOYT: And do you have a faint memory of it?
Or someone has told you this, the story has been
passed down to you?
DAVID CROSS: I'll be honest with you.
I do have a faint memory, and I don't know whether I have
conjured that or this thing that has been told to me so
many times.
But I will say this also.
I ride my bike through Williamsburg sometimes, and
other mohels at this age have told me the same thing.
BETH HOYT: Those same two words.
So you protected yourself early on with getting yourself
that vote of confidence, with projecting that memory.
And now it's reaffirmed by all of your fans.
Well, I can't say that they're fans.
Most of those guys don't know my work and
speak broken English.
But I assume it's just--
BETH HOYT: They're fans.
They are.
DAVID CROSS: Or fans in a different way.
DAVID CROSS: Of different qualities that I have.
BETH HOYT: Very positive outlook.
This is good.
We're getting there.
We might get darker in a second.
DAVID CROSS: And you guys at home should look up the word
mohel because then you'll really have a good laugh.
You can do it right now.
They're on the internet.
Or go to your dictionary book.
Next question--
"what's something that bothers you about girls?"
DAVID CROSS: Um, I guess they sound dumber because their
voice is higher pitched.
I know what you mean by that.
DAVID CROSS: And so when a guy says something stupid as
opposed to a girl, they could both equally be inane comments
about mundane nothings, but the girl will
sound a little dumber.
Especially if it's in that sing-songy,
question, up tilt thing.
BETH HOYT: The tilt up at the end?
BETH HOYT: You know that.
DAVID CROSS: The vocal umlaut.
BETH HOYT: But also, the same could be said for the guys.
The stereotype is that they say something like this, that
that's always dumb.
DAVID CROSS: It's always dumb.
No, I'm saying they're both dumb.
It just sounds a little dumber.
It's unfortunate.
If I talk like this, it sounds more annoying.
Oh, I know.
DAVID CROSS: That's more annoying--
BETH HOYT: I know.
DAVID CROSS: --than that.
That's kind of annoying.
You kind of like that guy a little more.
DAVID CROSS: That's not as annoying.
Yeah, you could hang with that guy a little longer than you
can hang with this girl.
BETH HOYT: And you could probably tell
the guy to shut up.
And he'd be like, whatever.
And the girl would be like, well, why?
And you could give a warning hit to the guy.
And if you hit the girl--
DAVID CROSS: And you can't do that girl.
BETH HOYT: --it's a whole thing.
BETH HOYT: Next question is, "where is the biggest scar on
your body?"
DAVID CROSS: I'm going to guess it's the liver just out
of the abuse of the last 48 years.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, an internal scar.
The external, on the bottom of my foot, I have some stitches
where I was in Hawaii and there was a red flag thing.
It's a long story.
BETH HOYT: Not a figurative?
DAVID CROSS: No, a literal red flag-- like, you can't go--

and I went out way anyway.

It was one of the very few times I thought I might die.
And I had time to think about the possibility of dying.
But anyway, I had gone way off course, and I had to time my
way back onto shore.
But it was all lava rock.
There was no beach or anything.
And so I just went for it.
And I went flying.
And I cut up the bottom of my feet and my hands and stuff.
And so that's probably the biggest scar, is on the bottom
of my left foot.
Right foot.
Left foot.
Good story.
DAVID CROSS: That's the biggest scar.
BETH HOYT: Near-death.
It's helpful when your biggest scar story is
a near-death story.
DAVID CROSS: It was pretty crazy.
It was nuts.
Well done.
Next question.
"Who do you think is the most attractive actor?"
DAVID CROSS: John Lithgow.

BETH HOYT: Very affirmative.
I mean, you knew exactly.
DAVID CROSS: Oh, John Lithgow.
BETH HOYT: 100%.
DAVID CROSS: Absolutely.
BETH HOYT: I'm not going to argue with that.
I mean, obviously you have your answer.
DAVID CROSS: I would totes make out with him.
BETH HOYT: I don't mean to say this, but John Travolta would
have maybe been my answer.
I don't mean to be topical, but I did write him a letter,
as I was saying, in high school.
And that used to be my go-to answer.
DAVID CROSS: I don't think you said high school.
I think you said when I was a kid.

That's a little bit more embarrassing.
BETH HOYT: That's all the time we have for that part of the
thing today.
DAVID CROSS: High school's a little bit more embarrassing.
You said when I was a kid.
BETH HOYT: That's all the time we have, but--
DAVID CROSS: When I was a kid.
You were in high school.
Come on.
BETH HOYT: We're going to--
DAVID CROSS: And just for the record, I wrote John Lithgow
several letters when I was in high school.
Thank you for putting that out there.
And that's all the time we have for the Tumblr questions.
But don't worry, you guys.
We're going to be re-Tumbling the answers
and paying that forward.
And now, you know, you've worked with a lot of
attractive actors as well as probably some ugly ones.
And a bunch of them are in this series which maybe some
people have never seen.
It's called Pilot Season.
It's one of my favorite series on the My
Damn Channel archives.
And we've got a clip from your performance in it.
We're going to check it out when we get back.
DAVID CROSS: How many series on the archives are there?
BETH HOYT: There's like 30.
Check it out.
When we come back, it's time for internet Q&A.

MAX (OFFSCREEN): Going to be a lot of excitement here, huh?
Being on a studio lot.
You have this thing here.
-Hey, Ben.
What are you doing these days?
What, uh--
-You know, I got this gig.
Got this new gig.
Pretty sweet.
MAX (OFFSCREEN): So, uh, who's representing you know?
-Oh, nobody.
I got this gig on my own, man.
MAX (OFFSCREEN): Oh, yeah?
Well, let me give you--
-Hey, man.
I'm the guy you want to, uh, follow.
I got some crazy shit happening.
I'm going to Bethesda, Maryland, back home.
You want to talk about a nut mom, my mom is nuts.
MAX (OFFSCREEN): Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-You should go to Bethesda with me.
MAX (OFFSCREEN): Let me, uh-- let me give you my card.
I'm with Big Management, and maybe we
can work out something.
You want to take that?
Great, great.
Yeah, give me a call.
MAX (OFFSCREEN): Wow, you're doing pretty well here, huh?
-Yeah, this shit is awesome, man.
It's got a bed.
Got a--
I got a kitchenette.
Got magic beads.
-Let me take a look--
-No, no, no.
And you got, like, a sink, a microwave.
If you want to see some interesting stuff, forget this
guy and hang out with me, man.
Because I got-- dude, I got two tickets to
the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.
Trying to get them.

-Uh, this is an old friend of mine.
This is a documentary.
-Yeah, we got a crew.
We're doing a documentary on me.
-Who the [BLEEP]
do you think you are going in the trailer?

-Who the [BLEEP]
do I think I am?
Because I know who I am.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Where'd you get that drink?
-From [BLEEP]
Drink Land.
Where the [BLEEP]
do you think I got it from?
The refrigerator.
What do you give a shit?
Hey, man I've left a dollar for him.
You don't come here in front of my friends and family and
try to embarrass me.
I'm leaving.
You don't go in the trailer.
All right?
Let me get my book back, bitch.
Come at me.
Come at me.
-There you go.
You're fired.
-Max, I need a ride.

DAVID CROSS: There it is.
BETH HOYT: How was that?
Trip down memory lane a little bit.
DAVID CROSS: We had fun doing that.
I had a lot of fun.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, looks like it was fun to do.
And that was a series based on a film that Sam did with all
those characters, where all those people you saw reprise
their characters.
You guys should check it out.
DAVID CROSS: It was fun.
BETH HOYT: Check the whole thing.
So now it's time to get all 2.0 and respond to your live
tweets and your YouTube comments and all that stuff.
And the first thing we have is from Facebook.
It's a question.
DAVID CROSS: I know Facebook.
I know Facebook.
BETH HOYT: He knows it.
All right, we're on board.
It's from Stacey Perek. "Will he have another collaboration
with Bob Odenkirk?"
DAVID CROSS: Well, Stacy and Beth and I
didn't get your name.
DAVID CROSS: Jun, the Asian gentleman in the corner.

Bob and I are actually going to publish a series of our
sketches and scripts that never got made.
BETH HOYT: Oh, cool.
DAVID CROSS: And they're going to be annotated.
It will be with Grand Central Publishing.
And then Bob and I will be doing something around when
that book comes out.
And I'm sure we'll be doing live stuff and whatnot.
So where do I look?
BETH HOYT: That's very exciting.
Bob and I have talked about it, and we're waiting for some
projects that we're each doing to get finished.
And then we will work together on new stuff.
BETH HOYT: That's so exciting.
OK, a Tumblr question from gloriavlopez.
"What was your favorite film/show you
were a part of?" Fave.
DAVID CROSS: I guess the Chipmunk series.
DAVID CROSS: Just give me a lot of--
BETH HOYT: Really positive experience?
DAVID CROSS: A great experience.
BETH HOYT: And what you're most known for.
BETH HOYT: Thank god.
And I suppose--
I played reporter number three--
here we go--
I played reporter number three on the Amelia Earhart Story.
DAVID CROSS: And that was enriching.
And I did a lot of background study for my
character and stuff.
I went to Columbia University for four years, got a degree
in journalism, came back to the set.
They had wrapped.
They had finished.
They were long gone.
BETH HOYT: And you just were left with the debt.
DAVID CROSS: Excuse me?
BETH HOYT: So the debt from the schooling probably is a
constant reminder of all that research?
But now I'm a practiced journalist and I can--
BETH HOYT: Have you ever been employed as a journalist?
DAVID CROSS: For the Rhode Island Gazette.
BETH HOYT: Oh, great.
DAVID CROSS: Where I pretended to work for
the New York Times.
It's a complicated thing.
BETH HOYT: Sure, it sounds great.
But yeah, that's excellent.
A comment.
A comment from YouTube is from ultrawirt.

DAVID CROSS: I think it's Ult Rawirt.
BETH HOYT: Oh, yes.
"Will you be performing anytime soon in Los Angeles,
like at Set List or something?" I added that.
I didn't mean to do that, ultralist.
DAVID CROSS: I don't know what Set List is.
It sounds fun.
But I have no plans.
But I suppose next time I'm in LA--
I've started to get out and do sets now more and more.
And trying to accrue time for enough material for a
new tour and stuff.
That will be a ways away.
But yes, next time I'm in LA, I will do it.
BETH HOYT: We want it.
We want it.
One sad little fan somewhere.
We want it.
BETH HOYT: It's inside me.
DAVID CROSS: Please do it.
BETH HOYT: It's constantly in my belly.
DAVID CROSS: Please do more comedy.
BETH HOYT: It's so hard.

BETH HOYT: Just wait it out.
Just wait it out.
We have a Tumblr question.
This is from yumchocolatemilk.
"What was your favorite part about working on Arrested
Are excited to be back?"
DAVID CROSS: I loved working with that cast.
That was one of the dream casts of all time.
BETH HOYT: Totally.
DAVID CROSS: And I loved that character.
It's very rare you get a character
that's that much fun.
And so many great lines to do.
And I am very, very excited to work on it again
and see those guys.
Every time we get together for some sort of reunion-y thing,
it's always fun.
It's always great.
And I'm really looking forward to.
And I know I speak for everyone else, too.
BETH HOYT: And everyone else who wants to see it.
So that's good news all around.
Thank god.
DAVID CROSS: It's a win-win situation.
BETH HOYT: Absolutely.

DAVID CROSS: The Avengers rule the Earth.
BETH HOYT: I'm fine.
BETH HOYT: I'm fine, you guys.
Bumsky, that's all the time we have for that.
Did I hurt you?
I'm sorry.
DAVID CROSS: I did feel a little--
I felt, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Something just cracked.
No, it's going to be fine.
DAVID CROSS: I got the meaty part.
BETH HOYT: It's a break I'm going to cherish.
And I have a great story.
DAVID CROSS: I did not break your hand, Beth.
BETH HOYT: I'm fragile.
I'm fragile and I can't have dairy, so
my bones are brittle.
But OK, you guys, remember that I'm going to be hanging
out on Twitter for the show.
So if you have more questions for David, just tweet them my
way, and I'm going to speak on his behalf.
I can't use my right hand anymore to type back.
We're going to figure it out.
DAVID CROSS: But I'm done, right?
Do I--
BETH HOYT: Just, can you sit with me for like one more
minute while I finish up?
DAVID CROSS: Oh my god.
You people.
All of you.
You too, Jun.
BETH HOYT: This has been--
David, thank you so much for being here.
DAVID CROSS: Thank you, Beth.
DAVID CROSS: No, thank you, Beth.
BETH HOYT: You guys, up next it's another My Damn Channel
original comedy premiere.
It's the Jon Friedman Internet Program with Hasbro.
BETH HOYT: Oh, do you like it?
I love this one.
DAVID CROSS: All right, then I'm all good now.
BETH HOYT: OK, cool.
Watch it, guys.
THEME SONG: It's the Jon Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.
-No, no, no, please.
Call me Jeff.
Mr. Potato Head is my father.
THEME SONG: It's the Jon Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.
-Oh, sorry.

-We'll wrap up for the afternoon.
Right after you two tell us about your big vacation in
-Oh, yeah.
First weekend away as a couple.
-Separate rooms.
-No, actually, this is actually kind of exciting.
One of the nights of the trip we stayed in the birthplace of
Hoover Cleveland.
-Yeah, historic.
It was so interesting.
Really nice.
-Who's Hoover Cleveland?
-22nd and 24th president of the United States.
-Oh, I think you mean Grover Cleveland.
-No, It's Hoover.
I'm sure of it.
-All right.
I am Googling Hoover Cleveland.
See look, Grover, Grover, Grover, Grover, Grover.
It's Grover.
Oh, here's a Hoover right here.
-Oh, click on that.
He could be a little known president.
Maybe you're half right.
-OK, here we go.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Let me clean up in here.
-Oh, wow.
That is not--
-That's definitely porn.
-Scott, click on something else.
-I was just about to.
She looks really good.
The video is pretty crazy.
-Click on it.
-No, don't click on it.
-Should I?
-Scott, don't.
I think I should turn this off.
-Oh, god.
-Leave it.
It'll be gross without it, actually--
-No, it is gross.
But we should--
-Finish it.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Let me clean up in here.
-I have never seen that before.
-I have.
-What in the world?
-Why would you take that out of there?

-I want to know.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Let me clean up in here.
-This part's no so bad.
-Wait, what's going on?
What's going on right there?
-An arm.
Two arms.
That's too many arms.
-Is that a face?
-Who just walked in?
-What's he doing there?
What's he doing right there?
-Is that a real-- that might not be a real person.
-I'm going to turn it off.
-Oh, no.
Wait a second.
This is terrible.
Let it run.
Let it go.
Let it go.
-I'm so sick.
I hate it.
Turn the sound back up.
-I just want to see how it ends.
-Maybe it ends sweetly.

-Oh, yucky, yucky, yucky.

-I pissed.

-I'm sorry.
-I do not feel great.

-I noticed there was a Brazilian version on there
that we didn't watch yet.
-We could check it out.
-Just for safety.

-Usually attractive people.


MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.
Prepare to be forgiven at church.
Slap on your Sunday best and kneel before our lord and
savior, Jesus Christ.
Now stand.
Now sit.
Now rise.
Now sit.
Now kneel in one of our many pews.
Christ has died.
Christ is risen.
Won't you come again?
And remember, church is always free.
Swing by early and confess your sins.
Stick around afterwards for the Our Mother the Redeemer
Catechism bake sale.
Bake sale.
This Sunday, a special glorious
performance by Pastor Chris.
He has the fingers of angels.
Don't miss it.
Don't sloth around till Christmas or Easter.
This is an event you can't miss.
Because if you do, you go to Hell.
Unless you confess your sins.
Then you're fine.
Light a candle, say a prayer, receive his
body, taste his blood.
All are welcome in the house of the Lord
except if you're gay.
Afterwards, go right across the street to the diner for
buttermilk pancakes.
So go to church, happening every Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

BETH HOYT: What a show we had.
Did you have fun?
I can't hear you right now.
But tell me in a minute on Twitter and your
voice will be heard.
Thank you so much for hanging out.
Daily Grace will be here tomorrow at 4:00 PM with the
star of My Drunk Kitchen, Hannah Hart.
And guess who's going to be making a special appearance on
tomorrow's show?
I'll give you a hint.
She has two thumbs, one working, and her
name is Beth Hoyt.
And I'll be back on Friday with the week's wrap-up.
Until then, practice your poses in the mirror.