Say Anything: Josh A. Cagan, Matt Mira, and Jonah Ray join Wil on TableTop, episode 10

WIL WHEATON: I was one of those kids who inspired the
phrase "children should be seen and not heard." As an
adult, I still get yelled at by the internet for frequently
speaking my mind.
Problem?
Today on TableTop, my friends Matt Mira, Jonah Ray, and Josh
Cagan are here to play a game where speaking your mind does
not put you in the timeout chair.
It might just put you in the winner's circle.
I hope you're not easily offended, because today, we
are going to say anything.

The basic mechanic of Say Anything is very simple.
You write down something funny.
Then you say something funny to support it.
For those of you missed it, one more time.
You write down something funny, funny
because it's true.
Then you say something funny to defend it.
Actually, there's a little bit more to it than that.
Every round someone is a judge.
The judge draws a card and asks a question.
All of the players write down an answer to that question.
The judge chooses his favorite answer and then locks it in
using the select-o-matic 5,000.
The players try to guess which answer the judge chose.
Guess correctly, and you get a point.
First player to 12 points wins the game.
Get ready to say anything.

JOSH A. CAGAN: I'm Josh A Cagan, and I am a
screenwriter.
JONAH RAY: My name is Jonah Ray, and I am a stand-up
comedian and one of the co-hosts
of the Nerdist Podcast.
MATT MIRA: My name is Matt Mira.
I am a comedian and co-host of the Nerdist Podcast.
I also am a producer on Attack of the Show on G4.
WIL WHEATON: Those of you who are experienced Say Anything
players will notice that we're using a slightly alternative
scoring system today.
Those of you who are also experienced gamers will know
this as the house rule.
I find that this is a much more fun
way to play Say Anything.
So don't send you're angry letters to me.
Send them to the person next to you.
Jonah, you're going to go first.
JONAH RAY: Hurray!
WIL WHEATON: So let's play Say Anything.

Here's a card for you, Jonah.
Choose a question and ask it.
JONAH RAY: I am hungover, so I think I should have an extra
three points just to start with.
But no one seemed to agree with me.
JONAH RAY: What's the worst song of all time?

WIL WHEATON: Don't you hate Radiohead?
Are you that guy that hates Radiohead?
JONAH RAY: Are you talking about Overratediohead?
WIL WHEATON: That's the one.
OK, thanks.
I think I know what my answer is.
JONAH RAY: It could be anything.
You could pick any Stone Temple Pilot's song, really.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Are you writing out the music as well?
WIL WHEATON: I am.
Yeah.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Just one more treble clef.
WIL WHEATON: All right.
I have my answer.
Everybody, now we will now reveal what our answers are.
JONAH RAY: OK.
WIL WHEATON: I chose the Dave Matthews cover of "The Bends"
featuring Stone Temple Pilots.
JONAH RAY: Wow, that is--
JOSH A. CAGAN: You just made it right up, didn't you?
WIL WHEATON: Well, I'm pandering to the judge.
JOSH A. CAGAN: There you go.
JONAH RAY: That's the perfect storm of [BLEEP].
WIL WHEATON: It really is, right?
OK, so good luck guys.
Matt, what did you choose?
MATT MIRA: Uh, "Who Let The Dogs Out?"
JOSH A. CAGAN: Oh, whoa.
JONAH RAY: Really?
JOSH A. CAGAN: I choose Bush's "Glycerine."
WIL WHEATON: Ooh, that's a pretty horrible song.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Which is a really bad song.
MATT MIRA: I like that song.
JONAH RAY: It's actually not that bad of song.
JOSH A. CAGAN: What, really?
How well do I know this game?
We dated for about six months in college.
And we haven't seen each other since, so it's a little
awkward today.
WIL WHEATON: All right, so I'm going to go ahead and put
these out in the middle there.
Jonah, you're going to choose which one you believe is the
absolute worst song ever recorded.
JONAH RAY: All right.
I got it.
WIL WHEATON: Having locked that in on the
select-o-matic 5,000--
JONAH RAY: Right here, yeah?
WIL WHEATON: -- we will now--
judge clearly the right answer is there.
So go ahead and place your guesses.

MATT MIRA: See I don't-- that's not a real song.
If it was, it would be awesome.
WIL WHEATON: It's on the record.
JONAH RAY: Do you not like to have imaginative fun?
MATT MIRA: Well--
JONAH RAY: Do you like to be locked into a world of grey?
MATT MIRA: Yup.
JONAH RAY: All right.
And dogs.
JONAH RAY: Oh.
JOSH A. CAGAN: It's just such a terrible song.
And he gets to do it with Gwen Stefani.
So right there.
MATT MIRA: Oh.
WIL WHEATON: Wow, that's right.
All right, so let's find out from Jonah which one of us
gets points.

JONAH RAY: So all of you guys had very good choices, except
for Matt, who's wrong most of the time.
Bush's "Glycerine", it's catchy.
It's nice.
It's a nice song to listen to.
I don't turn it off when it comes on the radio.
JOSH A. CAGAN: OK.
JONAH RAY: But.
in a horrible world where that middle song exists, that would
have to be my go.
So I'm going to go with--
WIL WHEATON: That's two points for Wheaton!
He jumps out to an early lead.
MATT MIRA: Hurray!
WIL WHEATON: Whee!
Now those of you who are watching at home who have
played Say Anything before, you know that there's a lot of
other scoring that happens in the game.
But as I said, we are house ruling this.
This is the way we play at cons when we're drunk.
So it's the way we play on TableTop when we're not.
OK Matt, go ahead.
Draw a card, ask a question.
MATT MIRA: I don't know this game at all.
This morning, though, I learned a little bit about it.
And it turns out I'm pretty good at it.
So we don't know each other that well, but we're getting
to know each other.
And I'm OK with it.
Here's a good one.
What's the funniest movie of all time?
WIL WHEATON: What's the funniest movie of all time?
JOSH A. CAGAN: Schindler's--
[LAUGHTER]
JONAH RAY: Sorry.

WIL WHEATON: Are you writing the script to the funniest
movie of all time?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
JONAH RAY: I want to know how many times we can make a joke
about a long time to take to write a--
WIL WHEATON: We're going to find out.
That's two.
That's two.
All right, let's reveal.
Jonah, why don't you go ahead and reveal.
JONAH RAY: All right, I went with the Nichols Cage classic
Bad Lieutenant, Ports of Call, New Orleans.
[LAUGHTER]
JONAH RAY: I'm not sure if you've ever seen it.
But it is quite possibly the funniest movie ever made.
WIL WHEATON: I chose a film that the video store in La
Crescenta refused to rent to us until one of us had an ID
that claimed we were 18, Faces Of Death, Part Three.
JONAH RAY: Is that the one with Budd Dwyer?
WIL WHEATON: Yeah.
Oh, it's a good one, yeah.
All right, Cagan?
JOSH A. CAGAN: I decided to live in that
grey literal world.
And I went with Top Secret!
Exclamation point.
WIL WHEATON: Oh, Top Secret! is a very funny movie.
JOSH A. CAGAN: It's a very funny movie.
It's terrific.
JONAH RAY: Here's a fun fact.
There's a similar actor in both of these movies.
WIL WHEATON: Really?
JONAH RAY: Yeah.
WIL WHEATON: Is it the cow that gets the blow [BLEEP]?
JONAH RAY: Exactly.
JOSH A. CAGAN: [BLEEP]
cow.
WIL WHEATON: [BLEEP]
cow.
JONAH RAY: It's the little German.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: This is a tough one.
I'm going to hedge.
I'm hedging.
I don't think Faces of Death is really that funny.
JONAH RAY: No.
Well, it is when you're a kid.
WIL WHEATON: It's kind of funny.
JONAH RAY: When you're a kid, yeah.
WIL WHEATON: It's hilarious when you're a kid.
MATT MIRA: The Blu-ray Faces of Death is excellent.
JONAH RAY: Yeah, you can really see the monkey brains.
WIL WHEATON: I don't know.
They kind of phoned in the commentary.
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: No, literally.
Because they were in prison.
[LAUGHTER]
MATT MIRA: This used to be all about the death.
Now it isn't anymore.
Now it's about the faces.
JONAH RAY: Who needs it?
MATT MIRA: All right, the correct answer here is Bad
Lieutenent.
JONAH RAY: Hey!
WIL WHEATON: Oh, Port of Call, New Orleans.
So blue gets a point.
Yellow gets a point.
And green gets a point.
JONAH RAY: Wow, blue is steaming ahead.
WIL WHEATON: Blue is already one quarter of the way there.
MATT MIRA: Almost like it's his show.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Or something.
MATT MIRA: Wil is a sneaky bastard.
JOSH A. CAGAN: It's his show.
So he wins at being Wil Wheaton.
And very handsome.
I'd like some more points.
Please.

WIL WHEATON: A genie just granted me a wish.
What should I ask for?

Jonah, that was fast.
JONAH RAY: Yeah.
MATT MIRA: He's been thinking about this for awhile.
JONAH RAY: You guy's don't constantly think about this
all the time?

All right.
Ready?
MATT MIRA: Yes.
WIL WHEATON: All right, Jonah, go ahead.
Show us.
JONAH RAY: I went for more wishes.
A classic.
A classic.
WIL WHEATON: A classic.
More wishes.
JONAH RAY: It does work.
WIL WHEATON: Yes.
JONAH RAY: They have to grant it to you.
WIL WHEATON: All right, all right.
MATT MIRA: I went forget the last three Star Wars.
WIL WHEATON: Ah!
Wow, that's really good.
OK, Cagan?
JOSH A. CAGAN: This is a pretty obvious one.
But I went with a George Foreman grill with George
Foreman to cook for you.
MATT MIRA: Oh.
WIL WHEATON: Like he just comes over to your house--
JOSH A. CAGAN: He just comes over and he makes sandwiches
and he talks about his kids George, George, and George.
And I think that'd be a hoot.
WIL WHEATON: I would actually wish that the motorcycle gang
stops driving up and down on the street in
front of the studio.
JONAH RAY: That actually would be one of my more wishes.
WIL WHEATON: That would be one of your wishes?
OK, my vote is locked in.
So let's go ahead and vote.
There actually is a correct answer to this question.
And the correct answer is actually on the board.
Since I was a little kid, this is something that I've
obsessively thought about.
And the correct answer is more wishes.
JONAH RAY: Man, why did go against my own idea?
WIL WHEATON: Because if I used more
wishes, I get more wishes.
Then I just use one of those wishes to get the George
Foreman grill.
Then I use another one of those wishes to forget the
last three Star Wars movies.
All right, sadly no points are awarded that round.
All right, Cagan.
JONAH RAY: Damn my brilliance.
WIL WHEATON: All right.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Hi.
WIL WHEATON: Hi.
What's your question?
JOSH A. CAGAN: What would be the dumbest thing to say in a
job interview?
What would be the dumbest thing?

You look pretty satisfied.
MATT MIRA: Yeah, I feel like if I were to say this, I would
not get the job.
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: Let's go ahead and reveal our answers.
I think it's working great to start with you.
So go ahead and show your answer.
JONAH RAY: All right, cool.
This is the worst thing I could think to
say in a job interview.
Is that a picture of your daughter?
Nice.
How old is she?
WIL WHEATON: All right.
Matt?
MATT MIRA: I would go with your tits are splendid.
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: Regardless of gender?
MATT MIRA: Doesn't matter.
JONAH RAY: There you go.
WIL WHEATON: We all live in the same head space.
Because my thing would be sorry I'm late.
I was having sex with your spouse.
And word it exactly like that.
JONAH RAY: These two are a combination of something else
I almost went for.
MATT MIRA: These are all awful things to say.
WIL WHEATON: Yeah, these are all really horrible, terrible
things to say.
Have you chosen?
JOSH A. CAGAN: I have made my decision.
WIL WHEATON: Have you chosen a favorite?
JOSH A. CAGAN: So suck on it.
WIL WHEATON: All right.
I'm going with mine.
I think that I'm right.
JONAH RAY: Me.
Me.
MATT MIRA: Me.
I'm going to ride me, too.
JONAH RAY: What a selfish game we've got going on here.
WIL WHEATON: I'm going to ride me, too.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Well saddle yourself up for two, because--
WIL WHEATON: Oh!
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
MATT MIRA: Yes!
WIL WHEATON: Two points for orange.
Orange has significantly cut into blue's lead.
Good work.
All right, we'll draw our things back.
All right.
Jonah, there you go.
JONAH RAY: Sorry.
My dads are really having fun today out there.
WIL WHEATON: Did you say my dads?
JONAH RAY: Yeah.
All right.
WIL WHEATON: OK, Jonah, what's you're question?
JONAH RAY: Here we go.
What magical power would be the coolest to have?

JONAH RAY: All right.
We all ready?
JOSH A. CAGAN: Hang on.
WIL WHEATON: All right.
JONAH RAY: What are you, writing the spell?
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: He's writing out the [LAUGHS]--
he's writing the spell, great.
JONAH RAY: We got three now.
WIL WHEATON: OK.
So Matt, what is it?
MATT MIRA: I went literal.
And I said freeze breath.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Ooh, freeze breath is good.
WIL WHEATON: OK.
I went practical and chose instant plaid shirt.
Because I didn't get the memo that we were all supposed to
wear plaid shirts today.
JOSH A. CAGAN: What, you didn't know it
was Mudhoney day?
WIL WHEATON: I did not know it was Mudhoney day.
JONAH RAY: Touch us, we're sick.
WIL WHEATON: So if I could just sort of--
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: If I was able to just go plaid shirt and then I
had one, I would feel like I fit in with you guys.
JOSH A. CAGAN: I just went with awesome hair.
Because I'm reaching that point in life where I feel
like it's going to get steadily less awesome.
So I'd like to lock that [BLEEP]
down.
WIL WHEATON: Yeah.
Yeah.
Good call.
Good call.
All right, let's vote.
I'm putting one on myself.
But I'm also hedging with awesome hair, because I, too,
am at that point.
MATT MIRA: Jonah's hair is already so awesome.
JOSH A. CAGAN: I'm going with awesome hair,
because I want that.
JONAH RAY: Ah, well here's the thing.
Awesome hair, that's vanity.
I don't want to go in for that.
Who needs that?
Instant plaid shirt?
That's all I own.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSH A. CAGAN: So you have that power, in a way.
JONAH RAY: Yeah, I do.
I'm very magical that way.
So I'm going to go-- even though I thought it was dumb,
but in comparison to your guys' choices--
I'm going with freeze breath.
WIL WHEATON: Wow!
Freeze breath.
MATT MIRA: The least dumb!
Thank you.
WIL WHEATON: Congratulations.
So that's two points for orange.
MATT MIRA: Boom.
WIL WHEATON: I want to show you guys something now,
because you think you're so smart.
Are you ready?
Instant plaid shirt!
This is made from actual plaid shirts.
I don't know if plaid shirts hold superpowers.
They certainly hold a lot of heat in on your body.
All right, Matt, you're up.
MATT MIRA: What would I want most for my birthday?
JONAH RAY: Hm.
WIL WHEATON: Hm.
JONAH RAY: This makes me wish I was a better friend to you.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Wait, how do you spell Banderas?

MATT MIRA: Jonah's now rewriting.
JOSH A. CAGAN: And then in 1975 he
wanted a Fonzie jacket.
JONAH RAY: My strategy for this game was mainly to be
funnier than Wil and make Matt feel like a piece of [BLEEP].
MATT MIRA: Jonah's playing very smartly.
Josh, on the other hand, might be the dark horse.
He's so far behind that he might trick us all right now
and then win.
WIL WHEATON: In a game like this where really your job is
to make the judge laugh, I think Cagan is
a huge, huge threat.
Do not count him out just because he doesn't
have a lot of points.
JOSH A. CAGAN: We'll be right back.
Who will win the game?
I think the guy in the plaid shirt.
MATT MIRA: Gentlemen?
WIL WHEATON: All right.
Everybody, we ready?
All right.
Jonah, reveal your answer.
JONAH RAY: Matt, I believe for your birthday you would like
the friendship of one Jonah Ray.
MATT MIRA: That says a lot about Jonah.
WIL WHEATON: Matt I think I know you, as it turns out,
better than your friend Jonah.
I think you want George Lucas' head and neck beard on a pike.
MATT MIRA: Oooh.
JOSH A. CAGAN: You know, freeze breath.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSH A. CAGAN: Worked last time.
JONAH RAY: Also, I want to let you know, Matt, if you don't
pick this, then it's never going to be a possibility.
JOSH A. CAGAN: The offer is off the table.
JONAH RAY: Exactly.
Yeah.
In this game and in life.
WIL WHEATON: This is harsh.

[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: He's committing to it before--
MATT MIRA: I'm not going to lie.
This is not a great selection of things.
Because then you have a murder on your hands.
WIL WHEATON: Not necessarily.
MATT MIRA: Oh, OK.
WIL WHEATON: Someone just gave it to you.
Someone was like, hey, look what fell off
the back of a truck?
JOSH A. CAGAN: I paid a lot on SkyMall for that.
WIL WHEATON: SkyMall has everything.
JOSH A. CAGAN: They have everything.
WIL WHEATON: You can't buy that in SkyMall.
JONAH RAY: No, can't.
WIL WHEATON: You have to go straight to Hammacher
Schlemmer to get that.
JONAH RAY: Brookstone.
I come with the free massage chair and a
Tempur-Pedic pillow.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Who doesn't?
MATT MIRA: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Do you?
JONAH RAY: Yeah, you didn't see?
There's an asterisk there.
Read the fine print.
WIL WHEATON: I'm hedging.
JOSH A. CAGAN: That just seems real right.
You know how you sometimes give the gift you'd most like
to receive?
I'm actually just going to change one of my votes.
MATT MIRA: All right, guys.
Because of massage chair.
JONAH RAY: Yeah!
WIL WHEATON: Oh my God!

JONAH RAY: What's the best '80s movie?
MATT MIRA: Oh.

JOSH A. CAGAN: All right.
All right.
MATT MIRA: I will go first.
Back to the Future.
WIL WHEATON: All right.
Nice.
And you tried to do the logo there.
MATT MIRA: Yeah, well I drew an arrow.
WIL WHEATON: Oh, nice.
Very, very clever.
I said John Carpenter's The Thing.
MATT MIRA: Oh.
JONAH RAY: It's a good one.
WIL WHEATON: It's a very good one.
JOSH A. CAGAN: I also went with Back to the Future.
But then I took the time to mention that this is a great
answer, because I've been trailing a little.
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: We have to make up a house rule on the fly.
I would say that if Back to the Future is chosen, you have
to choose if the best movie of the '80s was Back to the
Future or Back to the Future, this is a great movie, which
as you know is a documentary that was made by
a kid with a Betamax.
JONAH RAY: Back to the Future is awesome.
We all love it.
It's a great movie.
The Thing is one of the best horror movies of all time.
Back to the Future, this is a great answer, it's not my
favorite-
JOSH A. CAGAN: Go on.
JONAH RAY: It's not my favorite movie.
Back to the Future, awesome.
Back to the Future, this is a great answer, not the best.
But I am completely obsessed with John Carpenter's The
Thing and so that's what I went for.
WIL WHEATON: Oh!
Two points for me!
MATT MIRA: No.
One point.
WIL WHEATON: Damn it!
One point for me.
Why didn't I trust myself?
JOSH A. CAGAN: Just take the extra point, for God sakes.
WIL WHEATON: And one point for you, because what you clearly
need is more points.
MATT MIRA: Yes.
That's how you win.
WIL WHEATON: Matt, you are good at this game.
MATT MIRA: The fact that I'm doing so well
right now is an anomaly.
If I know anything about me, and I do because I spent a lot
of time with me, I'm going to lose.
Because I lose everything.
JONAH RAY: I think he's going to choke.
Because that's what he does in life, and that's what he'll do
in the game.
JOSH A. CAGAN: What kind of player is Matt?
Tenacious, effervescent, and tumeric.
MATT MIRA: What technology don't we have
that you wish we did?
WIL WHEATON: Oh, easy.

Jonah, you're up.
JONAH RAY: Power laces.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Oh.
MATT MIRA: All right.
WIL WHEATON: Matt, I know how much you enjoy the
program Star Trek.
MATT MIRA: Yes, I do.
JONAH RAY: Oh, you [BLEEP].
WIL WHEATON: I know how much you like it.
JONAH RAY: I was trying to say--
WIL WHEATON: So I thought you might enjoy a transporter--
MATT MIRA: What?
WIL WHEATON: --so you can go to the actual, real Enterprise
as my guest.
JONAH RAY: He is trying to manipulate your vote.
He's trying to manipulate you.
WIL WHEATON: Shall I write the two points down now?
Or should we wait to hear what Josh says?
MATT MIRA: No, I mean, there is a correct answer.
WIL WHEATON: Now, let me just tell you something about the
Enterprise, Matt.
MATT MIRA: Oh, please.
JONAH RAY: Oh, no.
You [BLEEP]
bastard.
Hey, I'll let you hang out with me in public.
WIL WHEATON: Also--
MATT MIRA: Back to this.
WIL WHEATON: --I'll let you hang out with me on the
Enterprise.
JONAH RAY: It doesn't exist.
It doesn't exist Matt.
This is a real play.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
WIL WHEATON: Oh, by the way, Cagan, you still
have a card to play.
JONAH RAY: He's just trying to manipulate you.
WIL WHEATON: Go ahead, Cagan, play your card.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Sex robots.
MATT MIRA: Sex robots.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Sex robots.
MATT MIRA: Listen, I know the answer to this question.
WIL WHEATON: Absolutely rendered
unnecessary by the holodeck.
MATT MIRA: Holodeck.
WIL WHEATON: --on the Enterprise that we will get to
by riding--
JOSH A. CAGAN: Is there skin to skin
contact on the holodeck?
WIL WHEATON: People die in the holodeck.
MATT MIRA: There's skin to matter contact.
That's all that matters.
JOSH A. CAGAN: All right.
WIL WHEATON: All right, let's place our bets.
Bam.
Bam.
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: Bam, bam, bam bam.
JONAH RAY: Wil utilized his celebrity gravitas to
manipulate Matt into giving him what he wanted, which was
just to hang out on a fake space station.
And I think that was unfair.
WIL WHEATON: This is not the first time I've gotten
something I wanted out of Matt with a
promised trip to the holodeck.
JOSH A. CAGAN: That is almost $27.
WIL WHEATON: I know.
It's a lot of money.
It's a lot of money.
JOSH A. CAGAN: But what about a sex robot and a
$2.50 Subway card?
WIL WHEATON: All right.
I'm sure you've locked in your answer by now.
MATT MIRA: No, Jonah still has to put his chips down.
WIL WHEATON: So Jonah has to put his chips down.
Let's find out how--
JONAH RAY: The system is broken, Wil.
WIL WHEATON: Does Jonah want to win?
JONAH RAY: The system has been broken.
WIL WHEATON: The point of the game is to know
what the judge likes.
JONAH RAY: I know what he likes, and
I know what's possible.
This is impossible.
You're using your celebrity attitude to walk in here, big
[BLEEP]
swinging, with the Enterprise.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Well, his attitude anyway.
JONAH RAY: Goddamn it.
Just because I still believe in you a little bit, Matt.
JOSH A. CAGAN: In a town called Hope.
JONAH RAY: Oh, I want the points.
WIL WHEATON: Matt.
MATT MIRA: All right, let me explain a couple things here.
First of all, power laces?
Don't need them on the Enterprise, because all of our
boots are awesome without laces.
JONAH RAY: That wasn't even in the reality.
MATT MIRA: That's true.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
JONAH RAY: That wasn't in the reality until this
asshole showed up.
MATT MIRA: Sex robots?
Come on, It's the holodeck.
I could go to France and fall in love with some lady.
That's what I would do, because I'm taking the
transporter, everyone.
How do you not put that down?
WIL WHEATON: We're going to have so much fun!
MATT MIRA: We're going on the Enterprise.
WIL WHEATON: We're going to play poker with Data.
MATT MIRA: Yeah!
Data's there.
WIL WHEATON: Yup.
We're going to do an emergency saucer separation.
MATT MIRA: I'm gonna go to the battle bridge!
WIL WHEATON: It's going to be great.
We're going to love it.
JONAH RAY: Don't give me those points.
Don't give me those points.
WIL WHEATON: You don't want them?
JONAH RAY: No, don't want them.
Don't need them.
MATT MIRA: You really don't want those points?
JONAH RAY: I don't need your dirty points, Matt.
MATT MIRA: Those aren't dirty points.
Had you written transporter, I would have taken it.
JONAH RAY: You know I've never seen the show.
My plans are to seek revenge on Wil and make him cry.
I'll take the cry over the win.
But, you know, we'll see what happens.
WIL WHEATON: Before my turn I'm going to award some
arbitrary points.
JONAH RAY: Oh.
MATT MIRA: Oh.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Oh.
WIL WHEATON: Arbitrary points.
JONAH RAY: Congeniality.

WIL WHEATON: So Jonah?
JONAH RAY: Yes?
WIL WHEATON: Because you are playing with a hangover, I
know you want three points.
JONAH RAY: Yeah.
WIL WHEATON: But I feel that if I gave you those three
points, I'd be a bad friend because I would be encouraging
you to go have another hangover.
JOSH A. CAGAN: This is a weird intervention.
WIL WHEATON: So I'm just going to give you two points.
JONAH RAY: Stop drinking as much.
WIL WHEATON: I'm going to give you two points.
JONAH RAY: I'll take that.
I'll take that.
JOSH A. CAGAN: What kind of player is Jonah?
He's every player.
And he's also every woman.
The end.
WIL WHEATON: Cagan?
JOSH A. CAGAN: Hi!
WIL WHEATON: Because I love your El Vetica shirt, I'm
going to give you three arbitrary points.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Thank you, Wil.
WIL WHEATON: You're very welcome.
This game is all about knowing how to please the judge.
MATT MIRA: The game was going well as I was winning.
And then sneaky bastard Wil decided, oh, let's change the
rules all around.
My lead has diminished.
WIL WHEATON: I would like to point out that I did not give
myself any arbitrary points.
MATT MIRA: I get it.
Whatever.
JOSH A. CAGAN: This is where I'm really shining, I feel
like, the reading the question off the card.
WIL WHEATON: Reading the questions?
You got to find your strength in the game and play to it.
JOSH A. CAGAN: What's been my favorite question so far?
Does anybody want breakfast?
What's the most confusing thing ever?
What's the most confusing thing ever?

WIL WHEATON: I'm feeling really good about my answer.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Have you been iffy up until this point?
WIL WHEATON: Yeah.
In fact, I'm going to commit to two points on my answer
before I've even--
MATT MIRA: Whoa!
WIL WHEATON: --seen the other ones.
That's how good I feel about it.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Gentlemen, are you that
committed to your answer?
JONAH RAY: You know what?
I'll do it, too.
MATT MIRA: All right, I'm in.
JONAH RAY: All right.
WIL WHEATON: All right, let's go.
Display them.
JONAH RAY: The most confusing thing ever.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
Which is probably the most confusing thing ever.
JOSH A. CAGAN: That's the theme to the
first Bill Cosby Show.
Those are the lyrics.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH].

WIL WHEATON: I really regret my decision.

MATT MIRA: I have gone with the game we
almost played, Frag.
WIL WHEATON: Frag.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSH A. CAGAN: Oh, Frag.
Yeah.
WIL WHEATON: OK, I think the most confusing
thing ever is magnets.
Also, [BLEEP]
also Juggalos.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Oh, nice.
WIL WHEATON: I know, I know I lost.
I know I lost.
I feel like I should just go ahead--
I feel like we should just go ahead and give you the
points right now.
Cagan?
JOSH A. CAGAN: I got to go with [SPEAKING GIBBERISH].
JONAH RAY: All right.
Cool.
Sweet.
WIL WHEATON: And--
MATT MIRA: Jonah's one away from winning
WIL WHEATON: That puts Jonah one away from winning.
And I believe it is my turn to judge.
JONAH RAY: Oh [BLEEP].
[LAUGHTER]
WIL WHEATON: All right, my question for
you is in my opinion--
JOSH A. CAGAN: In Wil Wheaton's opinion.
WIL WHEATON: --what is the best Saturday
morning cartoon ever?
JOSH A. CAGAN: Holy--
WIL WHEATON: Matt, you're at a disadvantage here on account
that you're such much younger than the rest of us.
MATT MIRA: Well, Jonah's only a year older than me.
He just looks older.
WIL WHEATON: Jonah, you just look like you've been ravaged
by alcohol.
JONAH RAY: I love my booze.
WIL WHEATON: I'm pretty sure I have in my head what I think
the right answer is.
JONAH RAY: What is it?
WIL WHEATON: I'm not going to tell you.
JONAH RAY: Oh, damn it.
WIL WHEATON: OK, are you ready?
All right, Jonah?
JONAH RAY: All right.
It's good for learning.
It's good for being entertained.
It's good rocking out.
Schoolhouse Rock!, I believe, is a great
Saturday morning cartoon.
WIL WHEATON: Bonus points for putting the exclamation point
after the name.
MATT MIRA: You give him another bonus
point, he will win.
WIL WHEATON: Bravo.
No, no.
I'm actually going to take three points away--
JONAH RAY: [BLEEP]
WIL WHEATON: And give them right back.
JONAH RAY: Yeah!
MATT MIRA: All right, I have combined a bunch of
cartoons into one.
WIL WHEATON: Yeah, yeah.
MATT MIRA: Wacky Racers.
WIL WHEATON: Really, really good.
JOSH A. CAGAN: It's Wacky Races.
MATT MIRA: That's says it.
I just wrote it wrong.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Oh, OK.
I went with instead Super Globetrotters.
MATT MIRA: Oh.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Super Globetrotters.
And here's my defense, was the [BLEEP].
WIL WHEATON: OK.
I'm locked in, so place your votes.
I'm locked in, so place your votes.

JONAH RAY: Since I got room to spare.
WIL WHEATON: Oh, I see.
You're playing a meta-game.
You can afford to take a chance.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Yeah, at the high school dance.
WIL WHEATON: Yeah, that's right.
Bravo.
And I hope you take a chance at the high school dance, or
I'll never be born.
MATT MIRA: So if I--
[LAUGHTER]
MATT MIRA: If I go with the--
WIL WHEATON: And then Matt's not going to
get his power laces.
MATT MIRA: It's true, see?
JONAH RAY: When is he going to need them when he's [BLEEP]
precious holodeck?
WIL WHEATON: I have power laces in my officer's quarters
up on the Enterprise.
MATT MIRA: Yes!
Deck eight!
Deck eight!
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
JOSH A. CAGAN: This poor sap.
He's so excited.
WIL WHEATON: Also, I just have a replicator that makes
nothing but power laces.
MATT MIRA: Oh my god.
WIL WHEATON: And, you know what?
I have a holodeck program where we can actually go be in
Back to the Future.
JONAH RAY: This is the most excited I've ever seen him
referencing his own show.
Every other--
WIL WHEATON: Because honestly, I'm thinking that actually
sounds kind of cool.
JONAH RAY: Yeah, yeah.
MATT MIRA: Jonah will win regardless of if I put two
here or two here.
So I have to just go with two there--
JONAH RAY: Hey, way to stick to your guns, man.
MATT MIRA: --with any chance of victory.
WIL WHEATON: That's good.
That's really good.
OK, so the select-o-matic 5,000 has been locked in.
And I have to say that I loved Wacky Races.
I was so invested in Wacky Races.
JOSH A. CAGAN: We bet on it, right?
WIL WHEATON: I had a team that I cheered for.
I actually had an intervention from my parents, because they
were like, you have to stop spending lunch money on who's
going to win the Wacky Races.
But honestly--
JOSH A. CAGAN: It's fixed!
WIL WHEATON: --Schoolhouse Rock!
JONAH RAY: Boom!
WIL WHEATON: Schoolhouse Rock!
I listened to the Schoolhouse Rock!
CDs in my car with my kids.
It's how I know the preamble to the Constitution.
Whenever Congress wants to do anything, I feel like, would
you just watch this preamble to the Constitution?
Because clearly you don't understand it.
So Schoolhouse Rock!
actually wins, which means Jonah Ray--
JONAH RAY: Yes!
WIL WHEATON: --is the winner of Say Anything with 12 big,
fat, mostly ill-begotten points.
JONAH RAY: That's true.
It was a sloppy start.
WIL WHEATON: Nine points and a couple of hangover points.
JONAH RAY: Yeah, yeah.
Exactly.
I started slow.
But look, Matt--
MATT MIRA: You know, I see that.
WIL WHEATON: That's like-- it's really good.
MATT MIRA: Jonah is a terrible player that only won because
of fake, arbitrary points awarded to him.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Let him have it.
I mean, look at the dude.
He'll need that in the upcoming years after the
apocalypse.
He'll need that.
Hi.
JONAH RAY: Matt, look how many more x's I got than you
WIL WHEATON: Gentlemen, my fellow not-winners, I just
wanted to say that the joke's actually on Jonah.
Because everybody on this couch is
going to the holodeck.
MATT MIRA: Yeah.
JOSH A. CAGAN: OK, that's pretty cool.
JONAH RAY: It doesn't exist.
It's not a real thing.
He's still lying to you.
MATT MIRA: It's not real like your victory wasn't real.
JONAH RAY: I think it was real.
WIL WHEATON: Go downstairs.
JONAH RAY: Have fun in your imaginary playground, weirdos.
MATT MIRA: I will.
I will.
Because you're not there.
JOSH A. CAGAN: Let's make him be in the holodeck, and then
let's kill him.
WIL WHEATON: That's an awesome idea.
MATT MIRA: I'll turn off the safety protocol.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
WIL WHEATON: All right.
I'm going to go see him in from of the victory wall.
I'll see you guys on the Enterprise!
JOSH A. CAGAN: Yeah!
MATT MIRA: Yeah!
I know it's not real.
JOSH A. CAGAN: That's like the Millennium Falcon, right?
MATT MIRA: I don't think so.
WIL WHEATON: I'm going to tell you something that's going to
make you even happier than you winning the game.
JONAH RAY: Oh, what is it?
WIL WHEATON: Matt's really upset that you won the game.
JONAH RAY: I know, I know it does.
That's why I wanted to win.
Because anyone else--
you?
You'd have fun.
We had fun doing the thing.
But Matt would genuinely get upset.
WIL WHEATON: Yeah, I think he's going to be carrying it
around for all a while.
JONAH RAY: I think so, too.
WIL WHEATON: You also win the official
TableTop trophy of awesome.
JONAH RAY: Oh nice.
WIL WHEATON: This is an actual amazing trophy we had
made for the show.
It's not just a crappy cheerleading trophy that our
intern Lindsay bought off of eBay for $1 with buy it now.
JONAH RAY: No, doesn't look like it.
WIL WHEATON: Good, well I'm going to put
your name on it then.
JONAH RAY: Oh, just writing it.
WIL WHEATON: Would you like to say something to the camera?
Maybe tell the kids at home something
special about your victory?
This is your moment to shine.
JONAH RAY: To all those kids out there that have a friend
that might get a little high on his horse sometime with
some points at the beginning of the game, just know that
you can crush them.
You can crush them and make them feel like [BLEEP].
Believe in yourself, so they can't.
WIL WHEATON: Thank you very much for being on the show.
I actually have to take the trophy back now, because we
don't have enough money in the budget to give
everyone their own.
But look what you get.
Now you can pretend you're on an elementary school field
trip for the rest of the day.
JONAH RAY: That's great.
It's going to work really good in my AA meeting later on.
WIL WHEATON: Oh, that's terrific.
JONAH RAY: Yes.
WIL WHEATON: Well, thanks, Jonah.
Congratulations for winning on the show.
And we'll see you guys next time on TableTop.

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