Chescaleigh presents Beth of the Week with Chescaleigh! - 6/29/12 (Full Ep)

FRANCHESCA: Oh, crap.
Your boss is coming.
Quick, act like you're working.
[THEME MUSIC]
FRANCHESCA: Hey, guys.
Welcome to MyDamnChannel LIVE.
I'm Franchesca Ramsey and Beth is still in LA and I'm still
here, in the studio.
Actually they wouldn't let me leave.
I had to stay overnight, and now my dog has probably
crapped over my apartment.
So that's awesome.
Being locked up in here wasn't so bad.
I got to learn some prison style harmonica.
[IMITATING PLAYING A HARMONICA]
I'm just kidding.
I don't have a harmonica.
And that Rubik's cube that Beth put right over here on
Wednesday, that was my dinner last night.
The taste was puzzling.
But the condensation from the air conditioner made for a
nice prison wine.
I think the freon really gave it that needed kick.
Um, tastes like burning.
But it's Friday, which means that I'm tunneling out of here
in a few minutes.
It's just too nice outside this weekend.
But it also means that it's time for the Beth of the Week.
But Beth isn't here.
So the Beth of the Week.
Now with zero carbs and Beth free.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[ROCK MUSIC BARELY AUDIBLE]
DAILY: OK, I'll stop.
I'll stop.
I'll stop.
[MUSIC STOPS]
Not because it's not fun, but because we don't have the
rights to that song.
Unfortunately.
BETH: So it really went long for stand-up too, which I love
the stand-up a lot, so I just want you to do some of that
for us, right here, right now.
JORDAN: Whaaaaat's going on?
BETH: Jordan Carlos, everybody.
BETH: Beth Hoyt is hot enough to be a complete bitch and get
away with it Ah, thank you.
And [BLEEP]
you.
JORDAN: The gangbangers forgot about the drive by.
And I was like, whaaat?
What kind of a shitty gang banger blanks on a drive by?
FRANCHESCA: Ooh.
I'm just going to keep doing this.
This is the rest of the show, actually.
BETH: Put--
OK.
Now we're safe for kids.
OK, this is a great prop for the rest of the show.
BETH: Maybe, tell me my name and stuff, just so I
don't forget it.
Right, today start off with my name.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: No, you started off with my name.
BETH: Hi, I'm James Van Der Beek.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: That's all right.
BETH: Just give me that then.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: I'm a little confused as to what
you're doing here.
BETH: So am I.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: OK.
BETH: Lesson three.
James Van Der Beek really does look a lot like Dawson.
JORDAN: Whatever it is,
BETH AND JORDAN: The party is on the way.
BETH: So pick up the check and
BETH AND JORDAN: Put your hands up, and let me
hear the party say.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH: [INAUDIBLE] ride?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC SIMILAR TO STAR WARS THEME PLAYING]

LOUIS: I can't believe, you did it again.
MITCHELL: Ah, I thought we were not going
to talk about this.
LOUIS: How can we not talk about this.
You know what I had to go through to cover your ass?
MITCHELL: I just don't know why we have to destroy
everything.
LOUIS: It's called the Death Star, Mitchell, not the Cuddle
Moon of Endor.
MITCHELL: Oh, what's the big deal?
They destroyed Alderaan, and nobody even blinked an eye.
LOUIS: This isn't like the time you told Emperor
Palpatine he would benefit from some Botox.
This is worse.
So much worse.
MITCHELL: OK, first of all that man's face has been
pleading for a grapefruit facial scrub and a
glycolegrants for years.
At this point, Botox is his only hope.
LOUIS: Clearly, he doesn't care about his skin.
Does the Emperor seem metro to you?
MITCHELL: Ah, maybe a little.
I just wanted him to like us so that he would give us cushy
Royal Guard jobs.
They get to carry a force pipe, they wear those
fabulous red robes.
It's like they're dressed for the opera.
LOUIS: That doesn't excuse what happened today.
And you have to tone it down, Snow White.
We can't have the entire Imperial Army finding out
about our relationship.
MITCHELL: What?
What do you mean?
LOUIS: I mean stop teabagging the new recruits.
You don't think that seems kind of gay?
MITCHELL: Hey, just because I'm aroused when I do it, does
not make it gay, OK?
That's how we bond with the new guys.
Every rookie gets hazed.
We did.
LOUIS: We never had a superior penetrate us with their thumb.
MITCHELL: Too bad.
LOUIS: We never woke up with their balls in our mouth.
Louis, sweetie, take a deep breath.
MITCHELL: Ah.
LOUIS: There are no women on the Death Star.
Who recruits an army like that?
It's like they're daring us not to be homosexuals.
The entire Imperial Army is on the down-low.
Ha.
OK, let's just both relax.
We'll have a glass of wine and--
Oh, look, we have a message.
No, wait.
We can check it later.
[ANNOUNCEMENT]
You have a message from the Dark Lord, please stand by.
DV: Louis, this is DV.
Ah, before I forget, I was wondering if you had my second
season DVD of Breaking Bad.
Bryan Cranston has a direct line to my funny bone.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Did you know he also played the dad on
Malcolm in the Middle?
What a cowinkigenk.
Anywhoo, Louise, your request for a
transfer has been approved.
You can report to Tattooine on Monday.
So, ah, I was also wondering if either you or Mitchell had
seen the planet Coruscant.
It seemed to have just disappeared, and yet I sense
no impending danger.
So, um, well, sorry about the long message.
Bye.
Turn off.
Stop recording.
Yuh.
You have failed me for the last time, holophone.
LOUIS AND MITCHELL: Ah.
LOUIS: You requested a transfer because of what
happened today?
MITCHELL: You blew up a planet.
An entire planet.
And not just any planet, the Imperial Center.
LOUIS: You know, you could be a lot more supportive.
MITCHELL: This wasn't even the first time.
In the past six months you destroyed an
entire solar system.
People are going to start to notice.
LOUIS: OK, first of all, I did the Galaxy a favor by
destroying that solar system.
Did you see the colors?
Green and orange do not go together, even in deep space.
And the truth is, you just want me around, so you can
feel better about yourself.
MITCHELL: Oh, you know what?
At this moment I do feel pretty good about myself,
compared to your shallow end of the gene pool.
But I am scared that our boss will crush us into a fine
powder with his mind.
LOUIS: I would rather be crushed into a fine powder
than listen to another lecture from you.
MITCHELL: I want to stab my heart out with
your fat little body.
LOUIS: Ha, fat.
You, bastard.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
MITCHELL: Ah, I'm so glad we made up.
I hate it when we fight.
LOUIS: I know.
I feel so much better.
Coming soon on Darkstar Troopers.
SONG PLAYING: Give me that boom boom boom.
Give me that boom boom boom.

DV: Ah, fuck yeah.
I am totally tripping balls right now.
Ah.
LOUIS AND MITCHELL: Cool.
Yeah.
DV: Space dust makes me crave Jedi mouth pussy.
Uh?
MITCHELL: Oh no.
Oh, boy.
This, right here, is some fucked up shit.
LOUIS: Oh, I don't know.
It's kind of sweet in a tragically disturbing way.
MITCHELL: The Dark Lord is making out with a Jedi knight.
A Jedi knight.
Ah.

Who's next?
LOUIS: Hello.
MITCHELL: Hi.
MUSIC PLAYING [INTHE STYLE OF KATY PERRY'S I KISSED A GIRL]:
I kissed Chewbacca.
I liked it.
A taste of a walking carpet.
I kissed Chewbacca.
I liked it.
I liked it.

HUSBAND: You are the mother, come on.
WIFE: Hey.
HUSBAND: Hello.
BABYSITTER: Hi guys.
WIFE: How was he?
BABYSITTER: Oh my God.
He is the most adorable thing in the world.
HUSBAND: Really?
Our kid?
BABYSITTER: Yeah.
Any time you ever need a
babysitter, I'm always available.
HUSBAND: OK, cool.
WIFE: Oh, yeah.
HUSBAND: Do you need to call your dad, so he
can give you a lift?
BABYSITTER: My dad's car broke down.
Is there any way you could give me a ride home?
Oh yeah, sure.
That--
HUSBAND: Yeah, he'll drive you.
BABYSITTER: Thank you so much.
Thank you.

HUSBAND: And here we are.
Thank you again for helping us out tonight.
It was so huge.
BABYSITTER: You're welcome.
What do you like better puppies or kitties?
HUSBAND: If you put me on the spot, I would say that I'm
probably more of a puppy man myself.
BABYSITTER: Ha, ha, ha.
I think you're really handsome.
HUSBAND: Bah, thank you.
A lot of people say, I remind them of
a young David Boreanaz.
BABYSITTER: I don't know who that is.
HUSBAND: It's the guy from Bones.
You don't watch Bones?
BABYSITTER: I usually just watch cartoons.
HUSBAND: Ah, you're missing out.
BABYSITTER: I really want to see your penis.
HUSBAND: What?
Wait, what did you just say?
BABYSITTER: Are you going to show it to me?
HUSBAND: No.
What are you, out of your mind?
This is highly inappropriate.
BABYSITTER: Give me your dick.
HUSBAND: What?
What dick?
BABYSITTER: If you don't do what I tell you, I'm going to
tell everyone that you groped me.
And who are they going to believe, you or me?
Help me, help me.
HUSBAND: Oh, you're an evil bitch.
BABYSITTER: I hope you like handjobs.
HUSBAND: No, no, no.
Don't do this.
What?
[SOUND OF ZIPPER UNDONE]
Um.
Oh my--
[SOUND OF SPITTING]
No, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, God.
Ah, and the sun will come out tomorrow, so you've got to
hang onto tomorrow--

WIFE: Oh my God.
Steve?
HUSBAND: Yeah.
WIFE: Do you remember that babysitter that we had, Sarah?

HUSBAND: No.
WIFE: The girl--
you drove her home that night.
The night we went to dinner.
HUSBAND: I don't remember her.
I don't know.
I can't remember everyone I've ever met before.
Why?
What did she say?
WIFE: No, I haven't talked to her.
But it turns out that she's a 35-year-old serial rapist.
HUSBAND: What?
Shocking.
WIFE: I know, she's going to jail.
Look.
HUSBAND: Did they, they mention if she kept like a
journal of all her victims' names?
Or, like specifically, who she raped?
WIFE: No, they don't, they don't release that stuff.
It's like--
You know it's--
HUSBAND: Oh, good.
OK.
WIFE: Are you OK?
HUSBAND: And I just feel like I'm lucky.
I'm the one that got away.
I'm the one who didn't receive the handjob.
Thank goodness.
WIFE: They didn't say--
Nobody said anything.
Why?
HUSBAND: I don't know, I'm not sure how-- how one rapes.
I'm not sure what her raping style was.
What I would assume, someone of that size would just
probably viciously jerk you off.
WIFE: I'm shocked.
Oh, no, no, no, honey, no, no.
It's yucky today, OK?
But the sun will come out tomorrow.
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be--
HUSBAND: Make it stop.
WIFE: Honey, my voice is not that bad.
HUSBAND: Shut up.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
FRANCHESCA: OK, so I lied.
There was lots of Beth in that Beth of the Week.
And the zero carbs thing was just a marketing gimmick.
But what are you going to do?
Sue me?
Come at me, bloke, com--
OK, no, seriously, don't.
Lawyers are expensive and I've got student loans to pay off.
Anyways,s that's it for this week.
And next week Beth and co will be on the well-deserved vaca.
But, don't worry.
They'll all be back on July ninth.
So, go rent Jaws or a John Candy movie
just to occupy yourself.
In the meantime, Beth will be uploading a very special
vacation special video and playlist specialty special on
Monday to help you get the most of your 4th of July week.
And that video is going to be great, so make sure that you
subscribe, so you don't miss it.
Well that's it for me.
But for even more of me, make sure to check out my channel
Chescaleigh or my Twitter @Chescaleigh.
Or just call me on my cell phone.
Chescaleigh 888--
Just kidding.
That doesn--
just, please don't do that, OK?
Bye, gang, see you next time.
Can I leave now, [INAUDIBLE]
Please?
[THEME MUSIC]