Shaq's All-Star Comics LIVE - 10/19/12 (Full Ep)

[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: I was going to tell you about
the formula for glue.
But instead, we should make it Shaq
All-Star Comedy Jam Friday.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: So ordinarily, when you reset-- you thermoset your
resin for the Post-its-- just kidding.
Anyway--
you guys, I'm Beth Hoyt.
And you're watching "My Damn Channel Live."
We have a really exciting show for you today, you guys.
It's Friday.
And we have four comedians from Shaq's
All-Star Comedy Jam--
Finesse Mitchell, Capone, Lavar Walker,
Robert Powell III.
They are all on tour right now.
They have two shows tonight at the Best Buy Theater in New
York, one at 7:00, one at 11:00 PM.
You can catch their stuff on Shaq's YouTube
channel, Comedy Shaq.
That's a good name.
Get any questions you have for them in the chat, stat.
But please don't ask them what Shaq's shoulders
feel like in person.
I'm going to be doing that.
I'll see you guys in a minute.
And I won't be alone--
well, relatively speaking.

What's up?
I'm with Finesse.
Finesse Mitchell, you guys.
Finesse, thank you for coming on the show.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Thank you for having me.
BETH HOYT: You smell delicious.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Thank you.
I brought you a gift.
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Bam!
BETH HOYT: Good start.
FINESSE MITCHELL: There it is.
BETH HOYT: I think this is perfect for our set.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Uh-huh.
BETH HOYT: Thank you so much.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I stole it off your set.
And I brought it to you.
BETH HOYT: I see.
You bring a-- you bring a toy that makes a woman
think about bath time.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's right.
BETH HOYT: That's a good tip.
FINESSE MITCHELL: My daddy told me
white girls like ducks.
So I brought you one.
BETH HOYT: Well, he was right.
FINESSE MITCHELL: He was right.
Thanks for those letters from prison, Dad.
It worked.
Mm.
What's up, Beth?
BETH HOYT: Thank you so much for being here.
You have something in common with Shaq and with Gilda
Radner, in that--
FINESSE MITCHELL: We all like girls.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
And also, you're an athlete.
And you were on SNL.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yes.
BETH HOYT: So can we start with the athlete?
Can we talk about how you were on the University of Miami's
Hurricanes football team.
FINESSE MITCHELL: The U, bam.
You like that?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
My hands are freezing.
So I'm sorry.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Go ahead.
Do what you got to do to warm them up.
BETH HOYT: OK, I got to do this.
So the Rock was there when you were there?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Uh-huh.
The Rock was there.
And Warren Sapp was there.
Ray Lewis was there.
BETH HOYT: What was the-- what position did you play?
FINESSE MITCHELL: I played the bench.
I played the guy who had--
BETH HOYT: That's the one that-- then
you don't get injured.
That's what I'd like to play for.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I was the assistant coach.
BETH HOYT: You get to be on the team.
And you don't have to worry about--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Absolutely.
You get to wear the uniform.
You get the ring when they win the championship.
BETH HOYT: Good.
FINESSE MITCHELL: You get to go to all the parties.
And you get to keep a 1.5 GPA average.
BETH HOYT: Oh, there you go.
And all the glory.
That's good.
FINESSE MITCHELL: All the glory.
When they score, I score.
Mm.
Literally.
BETH HOYT: You also spent three years on SNL?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yes, three years. "Saturday Night Live."
Right down the street from here.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, that's the show I meant.
I abbreviated it.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah, "Saturday Night Live."
BETH HOYT: Down the street.
FINESSE MITCHELL: You know what I'm saying?
BETH HOYT: You're a writer and a performer.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah.
On SNL?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You had a lot of characters.
You do-- you have quite a repertoire.
You have like--
FINESSE MITCHELL: I do certain people.
BETH HOYT: Who are your favorites to do?
FINESSE MITCHELL: (TRACY MORGAN VOICE) I like to do
Tracy Morgan.
Because when he was leaving, they were looking for
the new black guy.
So, uh, yeah.
BETH HOYT: And you can fill that bill.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah, I was black.
So I went in.
I auditioned.
And they said,
BETH HOYT: You nailed it.
FINESSE MITCHELL: You got it.
BETH HOYT: Do you do-- do you do
characters in your stand-up?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Sometimes.
BETH HOYT: If they-- if someone were to see you
tonight, do you do that?
FINESSE MITCHELL: I like to imitate women a lot.
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah, like we got this girl named Tanisha
from Code Black.
I love imitating her.
Because she loves the Lakers.
She's always talking about Kobe and Steve Nash.
And like, Dwight Howard is there.
So there's no way they're not going to lose.
They're gonna like win a championship.
And I'm just like, [VOMITING NOISE].
You know nothing about basketball.
Hush.
BETH HOYT: Right.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's how she talks.
BETH HOYT: All you need to know about that is just,
Dwight Howard and then you just-- just shoulders.
That's all you need to know.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Mm.
That's twice she touched me.
Y'all see that, right?
BETH HOYT: That's going to happen again.
So when you squeeze this, that's the noise on my phone
for text messages.
That's literally what this duck does.
Wait.
Only you can do it.

FINESSE MITCHELL: That sounds more like me doing cocaine.
BETH HOYT: That sounds like a--
just a-- like barely a fart.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I'm just kidding.
I don't do cocaine.
BETH HOYT: Right.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I hate drugs.
BETH HOYT: Because speaking of, I want to talk about how
you're on the Disney Channel show "ANT Farm."
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's right.
Going from Dis-- yeah, right.
[SCOFFS]
Coke.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, let's go into that one.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I love-- love kids.
BETH HOYT: So is the behind the scenes on the "ANT Farm"
set, like, as cutthroat as they-- as it is on
SNL, like they say?
FINESSE MITCHELL: No.
BETH HOYT: Is everyone like, what's
happening to you this week?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Uh, no.
But no, it's great.
The kids are great.
They're very talented.
They don't respect your privacy, though.
That's the only thing.
BETH HOYT: Oh, really?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah, they just bust in
your dressing room.
And that caught--
BETH HOYT: Really?
FINESSE MITCHELL: And I'm grown.
That catches me off guard.
You know what I mean?
Because sometimes they're like, Finesse, we love you.
And I'm like, oh, shoot.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Hey, y'all got to knock before y'all come in here.
Where your mama at?
BETH HOYT: So then what I think I would start doing if
that happened is I would constantly do things expecting
them to come in.
I'd be, like, doing very, like, reading some sort of
very big smart book and, like, sipping on tea, waiting for
someone to walk in and be like, oh, you caught me.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I've learned with Disney that, uh, you just
go to work, show up, have a good time.
And always keep your dressing room door open.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I see.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's right.
BETH HOYT: That's a good tip.
FINESSE MITCHELL: They kids.
You don't want nobody trying to set you up, homey.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's keep it real.
They're 14, 15, 16.
And they all think they sexy.
Uh, young lady, keep that door open so everybody can see this
conversation from the hallway.
BETH HOYT: Are you having fun on the tour?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yes.
Shaq All-Star Comedy Jam, New York City, it starts tonight.
We at the Best Buy Theater.
It's Friday.
It's going to be a great day.
And then tomorrow, we're in Nashville.
So all you online people who are watching, if there's
Nashville folks listening and watching, October
20, Saturday night.
What did I tell you?
Make sure bras and panties match--
BETH HOYT: He did tell me that.
FINESSE MITCHELL: --when you come to the Shaq All-Star
Comedy Jam.
BETH HOYT: If you're expecting to have a late-night com-- jam
with this one, you got to make it match
up top and the bottom.
FINESSE MITCHELL: And you got to shave stuff.
BETH HOYT: Which I said--
I mean, I said, what if--
what if she wants to not match?
You know, like, what if that's her thing?
And but then, you said--
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's when she can go with Capone.
Because Finesse Mitchell like for stuff to match.
BETH HOYT: Right.
FINESSE MITCHELL: And shaved.
BETH HOYT: So if you don't like your panties to match,
then you're just not compatible.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Right.
Or just don't wear panties.
BETH HOYT: It's a good thing to know.
It's a good thing to know--
to know what you want, you know.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's right.
BETH HOYT: I think I want something.
And then I-- at least you know.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Does your bra and
panties match right now?
BETH HOYT: Definitely not.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Definitely not.
See?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Is Capone here yet?
Because, um, maybe I--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Ha, ha!
Girl, you got a shot.
BETH HOYT: But I'm going to still get this in while I can.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I have never been molested so much on
television.
BETH HOYT: Really?
FINESSE MITCHELL: I don't even know how to
take this right now.
You know what I'm saying?
BETH HOYT: He's taking this pretty well.
FINESSE MITCHELL: It always starts like this.
The white girl always tricks the black guy into
thinking it's OK.
BETH HOYT: No trickery here.
I told you this would happen.
FINESSE MITCHELL: And the minute I start grabbing
breasts, what happens?
The police.
BETH HOYT: That's fine.
Um, I've got some--
I've got some to cover me.
FINESSE MITCHELL: You've got a-- you've got a A and 1/2 cup
in there somewhere.
BETH HOYT: Somewhere.
Thanks, thanks.
You're really sweet.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I like A cups.
I like B cups.
BETH HOYT: Um, yeah, I'm sure the list just goes on.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Your face is turning red.
BETH HOYT: I know.
Here's a comment from YouTube.
This is from Chris Donahue. "Could you please do your R
Kelly impression?"
FINESSE MITCHELL: I would.
But there's not a little girl here.
And I don't have to pee.
So therefore, I cannot do my R Kelly impression.
BETH HOYT: Oh, you should have not-- yeah.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Sorry.
BETH HOYT: It requires that.
What is, uh, what's your favorite city to perform in?
Is there an audience that's the best?
FINESSE MITCHELL: I like Houston.
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah?
FINESSE MITCHELL: I like Texas, absolutely.
BETH HOYT: What are they-- are they loud and fun?
I imagine that'd be a good--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah.
They're just, you know, cute, and wild.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I see.
That's what it is.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Mexican.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
And those girls are well pampered, I bet.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I was talking about the guys.
BETH HOYT: Is that part of it?
Oh.
Well pampered as well, maybe.
FINESSE MITCHELL: No, but, uh, no, I like New York City.
I like Miami.
I like my hometown of Atlanta.
And I love performing anywhere where actually
it's a mixed crowd.
Because I like to do all types of jokes and impersonations
and whatever.
So I don't want to be pigeon-holed, you know.
BETH HOYT: I don't want that for you either.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Right.
Because sometimes you have an all-black crowd.
And you do George W Bush.
And they're like, who is George W Bush?
And you're like, damn it.
BETH HOYT: You're like, re-- you'd be like, really?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Uh-huh, right?
BETH HOYT: Here's a comment.
Another comment from YouTube.
FINESSE MITCHELL: YouTube!
BETH HOYT: It's from Speed Racer.
"Favorite SNL crazy guest host incident?"
FINESSE MITCHELL: Hm.
I got one for favorite musician.
BETH HOYT: OK, we'll take that.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Musical guest.
Ashlee Simpson, when she forgot the
words to her own song.
BETH HOYT: You were there?
Oh.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I was there, homey.
BETH HOYT: Was it like-- how did that, what did that feel
like when you watched it?
Were you--
FINESSE MITCHELL: It felt great.
Because you know what?
I mess up so much, it felt good for somebody else to mess
up live on TV like that.
And you know, she didn't go to sound check that day.
And that's pretty much what happened.
BETH HOYT: Got to do your homework, kids.
FINESSE MITCHELL: She forgot her own words.
Can I tell you what really happened for real?
BETH HOYT: Uh, please.
You have to.
FINESSE MITCHELL: All right, cool.
This is what happened.
Her drummer guy--
I remember like it was yesterday--
he controlled her music.
So you know, they did the first song.
And it was cool.
But then when you go back for break, you got time to drink,
and do whatever.
And god knows what you do.
But when it's time to do the second song, dude was just,
like, in a good mood.
So when the first song came on on her second set, it was kind
of like her saying, oh my god.
Wait a minute.
That's the first song that we already did.
But the dude was already playing it.
BETH HOYT: It was the drummer's fault.
FINESSE MITCHELL: And he pushed a wrong button.
And he played the first song all over again.
And he just started playing it.
And he didn't even know it was the first song.
And then when we heard the lead locals come in, we knew
she lip-synched the first song.
And she got embarrassed.
And she walked off.
I don't even think I'm supposed to be
talking about that.
BETH HOYT: You are.
You're--
that's what you're here for.
We got it out of him, guys.
Everyone, good job done.
Well done today.
We got the Ashlee Simpson story.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Insight with--
with SNL.
BETH HOYT: And sad, 'cause, yeah, she just shouldn't have
walked away.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah, you know, it was sort of like--
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
It was sort of like, is everything-- yeah.
Is everything over for me?
She's fine.
She's so thin now.
She's fine.
FINESSE MITCHELL: She's fine.
She's fit.
She's fine.
She's-- you know.
She bounced back.
She married well.
BETH HOYT: She got-- they got divorced?
FINESSE MITCHELL: She got divorced?
BETH HOYT: Um, no.
Didn't she marry and divorce?
She looks really thin.
She looks great.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Does that mean she's
divorced if she's in shape?
BETH HOYT: No.
I didn't say--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Women don't start working out until they
got to find a new man.
BETH HOYT: That's not true.
FINESSE MITCHELL: It is true.
BETH HOYT: Not when you're Ashlee Simpson.
You have to make up for this one thing that everyone
talks-- that's all, that's what she's doing right now.
Maybe she's making great music, actually.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Her sister's doing well.
BETH HOYT: Your sister?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Her sister.
BETH HOYT: Her sister--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Jessica Simpson.
She's got a lot of money.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I would hit that on this table.
Mm.
BETH HOYT: I would, too.
FINESSE MITCHELL: She got a lot of money.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I would, too.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Here's a comment from YouTube.
This is from sushiqt07.
"What what represent," Atlanta.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That means, when somebody says that,
you're supposed to do this.
You ready?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Where's the camera?
Bam.
Supposed to say, peace up.
A-Town down.
Bam.
That's what that means.
BETH HOYT: That's really cool.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's what that means, represent.
BETH HOYT: That's like-- do you want to know?
I'm from Manitowoc, Wisconsin.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Uh-oh.
So what do y'all do?
BETH HOYT: Which is like, Manitowoc, Wisconsin.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Ugh.
That one looked horrible.
That didn't look good.
That didn't look cool at all.
BETH HOYT: It's not supposed to be cool.
It's supposed to be like, oh, I get it.
You are awkward and like me, too.
FINESSE MITCHELL: A-Town.
Atlanta a great city, man.
We got some of the best athletes, entertainers--
BETH HOYT: It is a great city.
FINESSE MITCHELL: --rappers.
Y'all wouldn't be dancing to a lot of the stuff y'all dance
to today without Atlanta.
BETH HOYT: No shit.
FINESSE MITCHELL: You know 2 Chainz?
BETH HOYT: You know I do.
FINESSE MITCHELL: All right.
Sing the 2 Chainz song right now.
Go.
BETH HOYT: Uh--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Because you wouldn't lie to me.
Go.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
I got one, I got two chains.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Wow!
What in the hell was that?
BETH HOYT: How about that, guys?
We got a tweet.
We got a tweet.
We have a tweet, thank god.
Let's look at that.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That was embarrassing.
BETH HOYT: For sure.
Welcome to my life.
Um, from Joon Chung.
"Did you create characters for your SNL audition or did you
have characters already worked into your stand-up?" So yeah.
Tell us about that.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Well, here's how this went.
Joon Chung--
if I got that right--
they would come to me and say, Hilary Swank is hosting the
show next week.
Did you see the movie "Million Dollar Baby?" And
I said, no, I didn't.
Well, you better go watch it.
Because you're going to be Morgan Freeman.
And that's how I got my impersonations.
If I wanted to be on the show, I would have to go home that
night and watch tape and come back the next morning and say,
(MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE) I'm Morgan Freeman.
And every time I start driving Miss Daisy, I think about
riding Miss Daisy. (NORMAL VOICE) I don't know.
Stuff like that.
I don't know.
But before you know, you're doing impressions.
BETH HOYT: Does that come very naturally to you to, like,
look at a character and get it?
Because I mean, you're very good.
And you transform like that.
Or do you really work on it?
FINESSE MITCHELL: It just depends on who
the character is.
You know.
I can be like Andre 3000 from Outkast.
And people would just be like, hey.
You know, it don't matter what the voice is.
You know what I'm saying?
So I think if you do enough research and you watch it
enough, and you just, like, don't think about it,
overthink it.
Either you're going to sound like them, or you're not.
Who's your favorite person that you like to impersonate?
BETH HOYT: Um, my new one right now is Claire Danes.
Because you know, have you ever watched anything with
Claire Danes, ever?
Like anything?
FINESSE MITCHELL: Name something she was in.
BETH HOYT: She's in "Homeland" right now.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Oh, yeah.
BETH HOYT: She's in a mascara commercial.
Or not a mascara, an eyelash-growing commercial.
She was in "Romeo and Juliet" and "My So-Called Life."
Anyway, she cries in everything she does.
And she looks like this.
She just destroys her face when she-- it's great.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's perfect.
BETH HOYT: I like doing that.
I like just crying all the time.
FINESSE MITCHELL: I like, uh, you know who Liv Tyler is?
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yeah, that's my girl.
BETH HOYT: What, to imper-- just in general?
FINESSE MITCHELL: I just want to--
BETH HOYT: Oh, OK.
FINESSE MITCHELL: You seen "Lord of the Rings?"
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Yes.
She so dang sexy in that movie.
I had to watch all of those dang movies just to see her.
Oh, and I hate Frodo.
But I like her.
BETH HOYT: You know, you'll deal with it for--
that's love and dedication right there.
FINESSE MITCHELL: When she goes, Frodo,
I'll be like, ugh!
My goodness.
So yes.
BETH HOYT: I'm starting to feel jealous.
But it's fine.
Because I can still do this.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Uh-hm.
Yes you can.
BETH HOYT: Lastly, can you tell me something about Shaq
that no one knows?
Like maybe Shaq doesn't even know it.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Shaq, uh, let me see.
What do I know about Shaq that he doesn't know himself?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Um, Shaq--
you ready for this one?
BETH HOYT: I don't know.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Nobody knows this one.
He really drives Buicks.
You know, like, you know he has a Buick commercial?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
FINESSE MITCHELL: All of his cars are Buicks.
BETH HOYT: He does-- who's going to tell him?
FINESSE MITCHELL: I don't know.
He just drives Buicks.
I don't know.
BETH HOYT: It's like, no, I'm glad.
FINESSE MITCHELL: No, yeah, that's something
people should know.
BETH HOYT: They should.
Spread the word, you guys.
Tweet about it.
FINESSE MITCHELL: Shaq drives Buicks.
BETH HOYT: He's going to be at the show tonight, right?
Yeah.
Is that a secret that I just told everyone?
No.
You're just done talking.
He's shut off.
FINESSE MITCHELL: My time limit is up.
BETH HOYT: Oh, there it is.
Um, you guys, where can people find out more about you?
Your Twitter is your name, @finessemitchell.
Have fun at the shows tonight and the rest of the tour and
everything.
Thank you so much for coming by.
This has been really fun.
Thank you for my--
thank you for my--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Hey!
Everybody come to the show tonight.
Finesse Mitchell, Capone, Gary Owen, Tony Roberts, Lavar
Walker, and a guy named Robert Powell who has the most
jacked-up welfare shoes ever.
BETH HOYT: Well, he's supposed to be here.
So if he--
FINESSE MITCHELL: Oh, well, don't tell him I said that.
BETH HOYT: If we see him here, then I'll have to
take a look at them.
FINESSE MITCHELL: That's my man.
He got great shoes.
BETH HOYT: Right.
And we love him.
We'll see him in a minute.
Thanks.
FINESSE MITCHELL: See me on Twitter, @finessemitchell.
BETH HOYT: Bye.

Oh, hi.
BETH HOYT: I was just chilling, um, uh,
playing with this.
Aw.
All right.
And um, we are waiting on some other of the people that maybe
will be here.
This is again, this is a live show.
So this is how we do it.
You guys are hanging with me.
And you're just stuck with me-- bye, Finesse--
until, um, people get here.
He was worried that he was here-- oh,
he's dancing for me.
You guys are--
I'm sorry.
I'm very preoccupied right now.
I can't--
this is--
I'm sweating.
This is making it-- no.
Capone will be here in a minute.
OK, we have a comment.
This is very distracting.
Juddylovespizza.
"Why so all touchy-feely today?"
I got a guy with big muscles next to me.
And I just can't help myself.
Also, he's fine-- he seems fine with it.
His skin is very smooth, and just big musc--
I was into it, I think.
All right.
We have a guest.
Anyway, that's why.
If you want to bring your big muscles over here, anyone,
I'll touch those, too.
Speaking of, hi.
CAPONE: How are you?
BETH HOYT: I'm great.
How are you doing?
CAPONE: I'm blessed.
Yes, I am.
BETH HOYT: Let's get started.
Let's get it started.
I'm very touchy-feely today.
I'm just going to give you a warning.
CAPONE: That's good.
I like to be touched and feeled.
BETH HOYT: It's Friday.
CAPONE: OK, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Um, I'm back.
And I'm here now with the hilarious host of Shaq's
All-Star Comedy Jam, Capone.
CAPONE: I am the, um, the--
BETH HOYT: Co-host?
CAPONE: No.
I am the, what they call the headliner.
Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: That's the other word for it.
CAPONE: Yeah, the headliner.
BETH HOYT: Listen, Spinderella said in something that I read
today that you were the host.
CAPONE: Um, but it's not this one.
So you didn't read right.
BETH HOYT: Oh, god.
That's what I-- that's what I've been doing wrong so long.
You're also live.
You have the "Live From LA" on DVD that's just out on release
right now, on digital release.
CAPONE: Yes.
BETH HOYT: With Gary Owen, and Jay Pharoah, and a bunch of
really great people from the past tour.
CAPONE: Tony Roberts, and Lil Duval, and me.
BETH HOYT: And you.
CAPONE: I'm the headliner there.
BETH HOYT: Check that out, you guys.
CAPONE: The headliner there, too.
BETH HOYT: So you've done this tour before.

And you're headlining now.
And I'm sure you have some crazy road stories.
Because you've been doing this.
What's like the weirdest thing that's ever
happened on the road?
I don't know if we can handle it, but--
CAPONE: Let me see.
Well, you know, they say that groupies, you're supposed to
get groupies when you become successful.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
CAPONE: I haven't done that yet.
BETH HOYT: I think that's because you're choosing to be,
uh, just focus on your career.
CAPONE: I don't know.
BETH HOYT: To get to be a headliner, you can't be
focusing on groupies.
CAPONE: That's true.
But you know, the touchy-feely thing that you did.
BETH HOYT: I see what you're saying.
CAPONE: Yeah, that was-- that was nice.
BETH HOYT: You smell good, too.
CAPONE: Thank you.
You know, I put on this, uh, this new cologne.
BETH HOYT: It's like--
it's like a light musk?
CAPONE: No.
BETH HOYT: But in a good way.
CAPONE: I wouldn't put--
I wouldn't say that, no.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
No, no.
As a comedian, what's your favorite sad song?
CAPONE: Sad song?
It would have to be--
BETH HOYT: Like, when you're just like, I need to
get this cry out.
CAPONE: Um, that would have to be the Chi-Lites, "I Write a
Letter to Myself."
BETH HOYT: Ah.
CAPONE: Yeah, you know that?
BETH HOYT: Uh-huh.
CAPONE: That's sexy.
I swear.
And you're rubbing me.
And I'm thinking about this song.
BETH HOYT: I'm sorry.
Oh, so this makes you sad?
CAPONE: No, no.
BETH HOYT: That's not my goal here.
CAPONE: Don't worry about it.
BETH HOYT: That's my problem always--
CAPONE: It's the same emotion.
BETH HOYT: --when I'm on dates.
And they're like, you're causing me to-- the cry
sensation is happening.
CAPONE: Because your--
your length of stroke.
That's like what you do to a pet.
When you get into it, grab a muscle, just grab a muscle.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, actually, that felt good on me.
Uh, what's your favorite city to perform in?
CAPONE: Um, every city that has people in the audience.
BETH HOYT: Oh, good ones.
Which one doesn't?
CAPONE: There's quite a few.
I've been to, uh, um, no.
There's not too many.
BETH HOYT: What, uh, when you just show at-- oh, so you have
a show tonight at 7:00 and 11:00?
CAPONE: Yes.
BETH HOYT: What do you do in between them?
Well, maybe I shouldn't--
CAPONE: I get a woman to touch me.
BETH HOYT: But do you have, like, a favorite go-to drink?
Or do you have, like, a Honey Boo Boo juice?
CAPONE: I don't drink.
I don't drink.
I drink cranberry and orange juice.
I've been drinking that for years.
I've never had-- never had alcohol in my life.
BETH HOYT: Really?
CAPONE: Really.
BETH HOYT: All right.
That's respectable.
CAPONE: Weird.
I know, it's weird.
BETH HOYT: No, it's great.
I'm thinking about what other things in my life I would have
accomplished if that had never been introduced to me, if I
had just stuck with the cran and OJ.
CAPONE: I mean, look, you're beautiful.
You're on TV.
People love you.
BETH HOYT: You're right.
CAPONE: Yeah, it took that alcohol to do that.
BETH HOYT: I should go have a drink right now.
Yeah.
It did.
CAPONE: The producers.
BETH HOYT: Um, so you probably know Shaq pretty well.
CAPONE: Yeah, he's cool.
BETH HOYT: I want to interview him in a BabyBjorn.
What do you feel the percentage is, you think, that
he'd ever allow that to happen?
CAPONE: A baby what?
BETH HOYT: You know, like how mothers hold their child in,
like, a backpack?
CAPONE: Right.
BETH HOYT: I want him to do that to me.
CAPONE: You want--
oh, you want to be in the backpack in back of him?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
CAPONE: Oh, OK.
BETH HOYT: Or in front, like, facing forward.
CAPONE: Right.
And him-- yeah, that would be a little art.
BETH HOYT: Hard?
CAPONE: Art, art, art.
BETH HOYT: Art?
CAPONE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: It'd be art.
CAPONE: Yeah, it would.
I would like to see that.
Maybe I can arrange that.
BETH HOYT: Where are you from?
CAPONE: I'm from New York.
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah?
CAPONE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Where?
CAPONE: From, I grew up in the Bronx.
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah?
CAPONE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Do you live here?
When you're living somewhere for a little bit
of time, is it here?
CAPONE: No.
BETH HOYT: Hm.
CAPONE: I don't live nowhere for a little bit of time.
I'm always on the road.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
CAPONE: Been blessed.
Been blessed.
BETH HOYT: Well, how do you--
as a pack-rat woman that has just, like, a lot of--
how do you do that?
Where's your-- where's your stuff?
CAPONE: You stay busy.
And you buy new stuff.
[LAUGHS]
BETH HOYT: That's good.
Do you ever-- do you, um, are you into tweeting and do you--
CAPONE: Yes.
BETH HOYT: And then do you often, since you're-- do you,
like, do you tell jokes that you've tweeted out that day?
CAPONE: More than likely.
BETH HOYT: ComedianCapone is your tweet.
CAPONE: I am--
I curse people out on Twitter.
BETH HOYT: OK.
So you use it as, like, a [INAUDIBLE]?
CAPONE: Oh, yes.
I go at them really hard.
BETH HOYT: Who was the last person you attacked?
CAPONE: Somebody that said that he saw me do a joke that
I did on another TV show on the Shaq show.
I let him have it.
It's my joke.
I can do it when I want to do it.
BETH HOYT: No kidding.
CAPONE: He's stupid.
BETH HOYT: He is.
Thank god for Twitter to allow you to get-- to get back at
him that way.
Although then he couldn't have gotten at you
in the first place.
CAPONE: But no, Twitter saves a lot of people lives.
Because a lot of people are thugs on Twitter.
Mm-hm.
You didn't know that, did you?
BETH HOYT: No.
CAPONE: Yeah, they thugs.
They curse you out.
And then--
then they delete you and you can't find them.
You can't tweet them no more.
BETH HOYT: Can't-- you can't get back at them.
CAPONE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, continue the cycle.
CAPONE: Punk tweeters.
BETH HOYT: What's, uh, what's your favorite thing to do when
you're on the road?
Do you, like, watch things?
Or do you think about joke material?
When you're traveling every day, I feel like--
you seem like a man of routine.
CAPONE: I'm actually not.
I am a shopaholic.
I love new clothes.
I love, you know, getting into the new
house type of situation.
I'm always, like, going to places where they sell stuff
for the home.
BETH HOYT: But you don't-- but then, you just think about it?
You go there--
CAPONE: Because when I'm ready to retire, I'll have something
nice to retire to.
BETH HOYT: That's what I always--
I like looking at home stuff, too, and being like, someday
I'll have a kitchen that works.
CAPONE: The HGTV, you know, and all that?
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah.
That's all on my wish list.
CAPONE: So you have a home?
BETH HOYT: Just check out my Amazon.
I have an apartment that's--
that I won't even spend any money on.
CAPONE: Why am I even talking to you?
BETH HOYT: Well, I live in the same place.
CAPONE: OK.
BETH HOYT: But I wouldn't spend any money making this
place better right now.
CAPONE: Really?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You know, it's a place.
CAPONE: Staying beautiful and on TV.
You're going to have a nice home.
I can tell.

BETH HOYT: It's-- it's--
I don't need to justify my not-- my shitty apartment to
you, Capone.
CAPONE: All right.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, what's happen-- what-- so Shaq is in
the show tonight?
CAPONE: Yeah, Shaq is coming down.
BETH HOYT: Is he funny?
CAPONE: He is.
He is funny.
BETH HOYT: Do you feel good about being around someone
who's, like, so successful?
But yet the thing that's happening is the comedy tour.
And you can be a little more successful.
Does that feel powerful?
CAPONE: Uh, I don't want to blush.
You're making me blush.
I'm not supposed to blush.
Yes, it is.
It makes you feel great.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, it feels good.
You're like, yes, I'll do another tour with you, Shaq.
CAPONE: Not a problem.
BETH HOYT: Because, yeah.
CAPONE: Yeah, you can't say no to Shaq anyway. 'Cause you
barely understand him, the questions he asks you anyway.
So you just go along with the flow.
BETH HOYT: Like, sure, that probably is good for me.
Yeah, I think so.
I like that.
He's-- yeah.
Did you see him as Prince on "Live with Kelly and Michael"?
CAPONE: No, I heard about it.
I was on the way into the other studio
to do another interview.
So I didn't see.
BETH HOYT: Another interview?
CAPONE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: What's her name?
CAPONE: Um, no, it was a guy.
BETH HOYT: Oh, good.
CAPONE: "106 & Park." There was a little
guy, too, Bow Wow.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
CAPONE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Oh.

Well--
CAPONE: This is beautiful.
BETH HOYT: I've got the li--
this is-- we have a tweet.
We have live interactions with these people.
CAPONE: Oh, really?
I didn't know that.
BETH HOYT: Let's look at it.
CAPONE: "Thank you so much for being here."
BETH HOYT: No, that's--
CAPONE: Oh, that's not it?
cc It's not a time yet.
CAPONE: Oh.
BETH HOYT: From BudCort.
"Is that an R Kelly shirt?"
CAPONE: This is a LeBron James shirt, playa.
BETH HOYT: Is it?
Oh, yeah.
CAPONE: Yes.
Come on, man.
How could you do that?
BETH HOYT: What's your team, then?
CAPONE: I am on fire.
So it is the Heat.
OK.
That's good to have tweets.
So you get them quite often?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you guys can comment in the chat.
And we can look at those and your questions.
CAPONE: OK.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
CAPONE: So they going to follow me soon, too, on
Twitter, huh?
ComedianCapone.
BETH HOYT: Things are about to blow up for you.
CAPONE: Really?
You see, you know what they say?
When you become successful, you got to get you a little
white woman.
[LAUGHS]
BETH HOYT: Where are you going to find her?
I'm huge.
CAPONE: Oh, OK.
BETH HOYT: Like, everything would have fallen to pieces if
you weren't almost 6 feet.
CAPONE: Well, you know, it was-- it's a good thought.
BETH HOYT: I know, but keep go--
so maybe, then, tomorrow, then you'll find her.
Here's a comment from the chat.
"Yesterday was my 21st birthday.
Can I get a happy birthday.
I'm sorry if this is annoying.
Ha, ha?" It's only annoying that you doubted--
that you doubted your laughter there.
CAPONE: Ha, ha.
That's what-- that was what ha, ha was for?
BETH HOYT: She was, like, questioning the laughter.
But no, happy birthday.
CAPONE: So all right.
BETH HOYT: I'm sorry, can we say that again?
I didn't say your name, did I?
CAPONE: 21?
She says 21?
BETH HOYT: Is it gone?
It's from Liz Louis.
Yay, happy birthday, Liz.
CAPONE: Hi, Liz.
Uh, ha, ha.
When you're old, there's LOL.
Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Happy 21st.
CAPONE: Wow.
BETH HOYT: So when your 21st birthday came, did you have an
extra cold cranberry and--
CAPONE: No.
What I did was what I was doing when I was 18.
Yes.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I see.
CAPONE: Yes.
BETH HOYT: I don't know why I ask these questions, get
myself in trouble.
CAPONE: It's OK.
BETH HOYT: Here's a comment from YouTube
that is from mways6.
"Capone, how do I get on amateur night at The Apollo?"
CAPONE: You go and you audition.
That's all you got to do.
We hold auditions.
You didn't know that, either.
I'm sorry.
I know this ain't about that.
But I am also the host of amateur--
BETH HOYT: I knew this.
CAPONE: Oh, you did?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Yeah, "Live at the Apollo."
CAPONE: You've been checking me out.
Rub me.
BETH HOYT: Got it.
CAPONE: OK.
That's beautiful.
BETH HOYT: So you just go there?
CAPONE: I'm there every Wednesday.
BETH HOYT: You're there every Wednesday?
CAPONE: Yeah.
And if anybody want to audition, this
is the top dog season.
It's almost over.
So we'll be going back in March to get new talent.
We got a break.
BETH HOYT: Awesome.
That's really exciting to see fresh new talent there, right?
CAPONE: Yeah, it is.
BETH HOYT: Do you like that?
CAPONE: It can be.
If it's funny, it's good.
It is.
BETH HOYT: Is there someone that's recently just made you,
like, pop, that's been really exciting?
CAPONE: Um, no.
Actually, the talent that's on the amateur night, they've
been good this year.
So it's really, really good.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
So and check out the--
oh, wait, Miami.
CAPONE: The Orlando.
BETH HOYT: Orlando.
CAPONE: Yeah, the Orlando DVD is out.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, "Live in Orlando."
CAPONE: It's out now.
It's the hottest thing out.
And I'm so proud of it.
You saw me step back.
That means I'm so proud.
BETH HOYT: I know.
It's very exciting.
CAPONE: Yes.
BETH HOYT: You can also download it.
Because I feel like it does seem weird, doesn't it, to be
like, there's an Orlando DVD, but also a direct download.
It's like 2012.
CAPONE: Yes.
BETH HOYT: There's so many ways to get things now.
Check it out, you guys.
CAPONE: That is the good part about it.
I mean, you got Gary Owens hosting.
That's the host, Gary Owens.
Then you've got Jay Pharoah.
You know, he's on "Saturday Night Live." And then you've
got Lil Duval.
He is the Twitter king.
And then you've got Tony Roberts.
He is the comedian's comedian.
And then you've got--
BETH HOYT: And this guy.
CAPONE: Ha!
Oh, I come to kill them.
Pow!
I beat them up, yes, I do.
Yeah.
BETH HOYT: That's great.
So definitely check that out.
And then, like, check out where the tour's happening,
where the All-Star Comedy Jam tour is happening, um, your
Twitter, ComedianCapone.
CAPONE: Yes, ComedianCapone.
We are-- uh, follow Comedy Shaq TV.
There's so much we got going on now.
Your TV has just gotten funnier.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, absolutely.
CAPONE: Yes, yes it has.
BETH HOYT: And maybe they're in a city nearby you.
So check out where they are.
If you're in New York tonight, the Best Buy.
And, um, when we get back--
um, nope?
All right.
So thank you so much for being here, Capone.
CAPONE: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: This is awesome.
Good luck tonight.
CAPONE: Can I rub your back and I won't get
in trouble for it?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
CAPONE: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: I wish I could try that.
Thank you so much.
And have fun tonight, and the rest of the tour.
Thanks, guys.
CAPONE: OK, bye bye.

BETH HOYT: Thank you so much to Finesse Mitchell and Capone
for stopping by.
And the Shaq All-Star Comedy tour is at the Best Buy
Theater tonight with shows at 7:00 and 11:00 PM.
Or check them out when they are in your
city, Nashville tomorrow.
And if you live in Poland, hit up the YouTube
channel, Comedy Shaq.
Thank you for watching and commenting, you guys.
Subscribe.
And now go have a great weekend.
And see some comedy.
It counts if you see someone trip on the sidewalk.
That's enough.
And I will see you on Monday, where you and I will be
talking face to camera.
On Wednesday--
holy shit-- are you ready?
Wednesday is kicking off Halloween week in
a very major way.
Costumes, scary stuff, and Daily Grace, Hannah Hart,
Tyler Oakley, and Chris Gethard will all be here.
Laters, you goblins.

[MUSIC PLAYING]