Beth of the Week LIVE - 6/8/12 (Full Ep)

BETH HOYT: Hey guys.
Don't you think this week just snailed by.

That was a good use of props by me don't you think?
Props to me.
No.
Stop it.
Hi, I'm Beth Hoyt.
This is My Damn Channel LIVE.
And it's Friday.
And it's also World Oceans Day as we all know.
And we all know--
we all know that that means that that is the day that we
go to the beach?
No.
It's a day that we all are very thankful that we had
geography class in sixth grade.
Thank you Mr. Druckham.
And that we learned all of the oceans.
Atlantic, Pacific, Antarctic, the Red Sea, Lake
Michigan, et cetera.
And then it's-- no, but it's not it.
It's the day that we give a huge high five to James
Cameron for not only making the movie Titanic, but also
for having the dream of having his own mini submarine.
Just for himself to see all the stuff and then making that
dream happen.
High five!
You did it.
Billionaire.
And then also it's the day-- that's not it.
It's the day that we think about all of the six packs of
sodas or beers that we bought that we did not clip the
plastic holding.
And then how many ducks we've killed because of that.
You think about that.
You reflect on that today.
Don't.
But also enjoy World Oceans Day and it's the day we all
stream Blue Planet on Netflix because it's streaming.
I'll be watching that and freaking out about all the
creatures that live under the see.
They're disgusting.
Creepy.
All right.
You know what else is creepy was this week when those girls
tried to kill Christian Finnegan.
Remember that?
That was scary.
I was here.
And I'm better.
I'm OK now.
Getting some therapy.
I don't if you guys missed it.
Don't worry.
If you missed any of the things that happened this
week, we bring all of the best moments of the week
together for you.
Because we love you.
And we want you to see all the fun stuff.
So we put it all together and this is it.
It's called The Best of the Week.
We're working on the jingle.
On the actual tune of it but that's what it's called.

[MAKING ROARING SOUNDS]
It's cougar town time.
Please welcome Agnes and Millicent
Blackraith to the show.
Thanks for coming you guys.
AGNES AND MILLICENT (TOGETHER): You're welcome.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: There's a fly in here.
That's live!
That's live!
Flies are live!
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Florida, in general, it's
underratedly crappy.
It really is.
People think it's so glamorous because all the TV shows in
Florida are like Miami Vice, stuff like that.
There's only one show about the rest of Florida.
It's called Cops.
BETH HOYT: Look at this thing.
Did you ever see this before?
Have you seen this?
AGNES AND MILLICENT (TOGETHER): Neck and groin.
Neck and groin.
BETH HOYT: Gotcha.
OK.
AGNES AND MILLICENT (TOGETHER): Neck and groin.
BETH HOYT: Sticking them right in there.
And then the groin is the next place?
AGNES AND MILLICENT (TOGETHER): Get the groin.
Groin and neck.
BETH HOYT: Stick in there tough.
OK.
Got it.
Look at that.
All right.
The dowel looks-- seems pretty secure.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: Look.
This chair does this.
Look.
Whoa.

Isn't that neat.
Pretty cool, right?
Don't have this on My Damn Channel.
Right?
This is pretty neat.
Guys, this is free entertainment for you.
BETH HOYT: Ah.
Refrigerator hums so it's in constant motion.
So you can freak out your guests.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Eww.
Yeah.
Eww.
BETH HOYT: We know what we're going to do now.
I do.
Good thing I do because most think this is shit.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Well, if you're going to kill me, can
you guys just wait until after this weekend because I'm
headlining six shows at the Miami Improv and it's going to
be a blast.

DONNIE: My name is Donnie and You Suck et Photoshop.
There's a really good chance that you won't understand a
single thing that I tell you in this lesson.
So maybe just turn your sound down and put on some Ke$ha.
Or whatever you listen to make yourself feel smarter.
We use Photoshop for work and--
I use Photoshop for work.
You empty blood sacs at the hospital, you aspire to use
Photoshop for work, and so we need to
learn how to move quickly.
Because time is money.
And I'm going to show you a tip to move quickly.
Let's say you are in the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul and you're
working to save money to acquire undocumented passage
into the west.
And you have taken up with a rough dealer named Police who,
on the side, is selling bootleg porn
parody movies on VHS.
Not really quite sure how it all works.
But you're Photoshopping covers for these movies.
But we have to change the titles so frequently that we
want to make sure we can save our time.
So I'm going to show you something that is--
how's that Ke$ha song?
Because it's you really--
this is going to break your mind.
Use the Text tool.
Create a text box and enter the title of this movie.
And what we're going to do is--
we don't ever want to type that title again.
Well, maybe just a couple more times.
Let's make--
give this a drop shadow.
Make it pop.
I know it's moving fast.
Hang on.
Hold onto your photo pants.
Now, what we want to do is use variables to
capture this title.
So go to Image, Variables, Define.
And we're on this layer.
And we're going to put text
replacement and type in titles.
We're going to call this the title.
And now go back up to Image, Variables, Data Sets.

Click this button which will create a new data set based on
what you just did there.
And every time we make a change to the title here it'll
change down there.
See how that works?
So what we want to do is duplicate this layer.
Because when people come into Police's rug thing and they
want to buy a rug and then somehow, for some reason, they
want to buy the Skinemax level porn--
vampire porn.
And if the tapes are stacked sideways they'll want to be
able to read the title there as well.
So on this layer that we just copied go back up to Image,
Variables, Define, and select Title from this drop down.
And so now this is also going to reflect the title so that
when Police calls us up-- and he will,
because he always does--
we can change the title and so he'll likely change it.
And we want to be prepared to do so.

We can do it in one place.
And it changes everywhere.
And we only have to type it once.
In the same spirit of expeditiousness we can also
capture the style of the text.
By going to the character styles drop down,
create a new style.
And we can control the look and feel of
the text from here.
And we can assign a style to certain text so that we can go
back and change it.
So let's select the text on our spine.

Assign it to that style.
And now when we go in and change the style we can
control all of the text that it applies to.
Great job.
Sha-dongs got cut off because it got larger
when the type changed.
And that happens occasionally.
Even to vampires.
Let's change that back.
That's just awful.
Something that you would make.
And we definitely don't ever want to represent
ourselves that way.
Styles can give us flexibility as we create
additional text elements.
For instance, perhaps as we've been creating these videos
we've been ensuring that we do double duty with the money
that we're making to additionally create grief for
people that deserve it.
And, perhaps, those people are the types of people who,
maybe, have let their hell spawn change our lives.
Have taken our wives, who we are determined to take back,
and, for better or for worse, have made life
miserable for us.
What?
MALE SPEAKER 1: (THREATENING TONE) Are you Mickey Gooks?
DONNIE: No.
I'm Donnie Hoyle.
MALE SPEAKER 1: Exactly who I am looking for.
[PUNCHING SOUND]
BETH HOYT: And we're back.
Hey guys.
You subscribe yet?
Did you tell your friends to subscribe?
Everyone should subscribe because then you'll know when
the shows are, and then I won't have to always say I can
get out this fish bowl of a and get out on the ocean.
Call back.
Woo!
I did it.
I did it.
OK, next week, this is a big week next week.
On Tuesday, Matt McManus, McMayhem himself will be here.
What's he going to do to me?
Wednesday we have Adam Carolla and Eugene Mirman on the show.
And don't forget that on Mondays throughout June, Daily
Grace hosts.
So she's hosting from LA on Monday.
That's it for today you guys.
Don't forget to celebrate your favorite ocean.
And also to read that article about that lake in Germany
where all the fish are dying because people are
peeing in the lake.
True story.
All right.
Have a great weekend.
You're my favorite.