Never Mind the Buzzcocks S23E10 + ENG & RUS SUBS


Uploaded by SallyDiamonds on 02.10.2012

Transcript:
X FACTOR-STYLE VOICE-OVER: 'Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks!
'And here's your host, Dermot O'Leary!'
Hello, and welcome to the show. I'm Dermot O'Leary. Tonight I'm in charge of
a special testosterone-fuelled man-fest episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks. On Noel's team...
# Everybody in love, come put your hands up. #
From JLS, runners-up on last year's X Factor
and one of the biggest selling bands of 2009 - so it's your fault he's here -
it's Aston Merrygold.
And an award-winning comedian who describes his style as low-energy musical whimsy,
which is replacing the over-25s category in next year's X Factor,
David O'Doherty!
And on Phill's team tonight...
# Love changes everything... #
A legend of musical theatre second only to Phill Jupitus,
in Hairspray at Shaftesbury Theatre, matinees Thursday and Saturday. Tickets available. Michael Ball!
And an actor who regularly appears at the National Theatre and counts Alan Bennett as a friend.
His agent must have had some off day when she booked him for this! Russell Tovey!
Right. I want tonight to be especially warm.
We've introduced the teams. Let's hug it out.
MUSIC: Hero by Mariah Carey
Oh, no!
So, Round One. We begin with...
'Guess who?'
How terrific is that? Noel, Aston, David, take a look at this.
Their album Chinese Democracy took 17 years to come out.
So there's hope yet for Steve Brookstein fans - I mean Mrs Brookstein.
From Guns N' Roses it's Axl Rose.
# Oh, won't you please take me home. #
# So what? I'm still a rock star #
The crusading pop star who denounces cruelty to animals.
Shame she doesn't feel the same way about human eyes and ears! Pink!
# And now that we're done I'm gonna show you tonight. #
That was Pink with So What and Guns N' Roses with Paradise City.
Who demanded that a chicken coop be built in the studio for their guitarist? Axl Rose or Pink?
I know they've both got outrageously big nostrils
in that picture.
I fancy Axl Rose more than Pink.
Pink is so rubbish. I'm sorry, but oh, God!
Why? I would rather drink wasps.
Can we talk about your panda book? Yeah?
It contains 100 made-up facts about pandas. Are they all made up? You be the judge.
If a panda is struck by lightning, its white hair turns black and its black hair turns white.
That's negative pandas. But if it's struck a second time, it reverts to its original colours
and it's called a double negative panda, or just a panda.
That's true! Yes!
And Aston, check this out, Aston fans.
When he came on X Factor last year with J-diddly-L-diddly-S... Was a panda!
Check this out. You've turned a little bling.
Aston and Marvin, who's the tall good-looking one... Who, me?
You and Marv. You're the short good-looking one. Marv's the tall good-looking one.
And there's the other two guys.
I'm so in trouble for that!
In August, Aston and Marvin racked up a ?6,000 bar bill. Is this true?
No! Yes, it is. You'd have to be shit-faced!
Here's the thing. Think. It's me and Marvin...
And lots and lots of girls!
And a panda!
I saw you getting driven home by a panda.
Who demanded a chicken coop be built in the studio for their guitarist? Axl Rose or Pink?
There's a picture of Slash. Can we go back and have a look?
Oh, look at Slash.
Absolutely no face!
Slash was originally given that hat because he's incredible at Monopoly!
Who's the guy next to him?
Any idea? That's Splash.
He's holding a piece of paper. It's instructions - how to put a top hat on.
Axl Rose or Pink? Cutting down a tree. That's not being a rock star.
Look how short her arms are. She's like a T-Rex.
Aston, why don't you phone the tall handsome one? He'll know.
It's rock'n'roll. No-one else... "I've got a chicken coop in my studio. What have you got?"
So it's quite rock'n'roll. It's not that rock'n'roll, is it? Could be.
It's the sort of thing she'd think was rock'n'roll. Yeah. Exactly.
There you go. Going with Pink? I've got a chicken coop. Woo!
Or more like this. "Let's get a chicken coop."
We think it's Pink. Well, you're wrong.
Axl Rose had a chicken coop installed in his studio
for his chicken-obsessed guitarist Brian "Buckethead" Carroll,
so called because he wears a chicken bucket on his head!
No points there. Such a shame. That's fine.
Right, Phill, Michael and Russell.
# I got a feeling
# Woo-hoo #
PHILL: She's bankrupt, she's 175th in line to the throne
and she's the former wife of Prince Andrew. It's Fergie!
# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night, a feeling. #
# You know it'll all turn out #
Your worst nightmare. Your mum, sister and girlfriend leave you for the same man and you still like him!
The handsome swine is Michael Buble!
# Much more than I get
# Yeah, I just haven't met you yet. #
That was the Buble with Haven't Met You Yet
and Black Eyed Peas with I Gotta A Feeling
but who vomited in Leonardo DiCaprio's swimming pool at a party in 2005?
Bubes or Fergs?
Fergie looks like a bit of a nutter.
She looks like she would throw up all over the place.
Russell Tovey! You're quick out of the box!
Russell once went for a jog with Dustin Hoffman in Central Park.
Yeah. Where I lived in Upper West Side,
he lived in a building called the San Remo, which is rock'n'roll and I came out
and he was coming out of his San Remo building.
I went over and said, "I saw the show last night",
and he said, "What show?" I said, "The History Boys" and he said, "You were the funniest guy in it."
Then we went running for a bit.
Hang on minute! How did that happen?
He was in jogging attire, heading to Central Park. You ran after him!
I ran... You were stalking him and he went, "Oh, a bloke!"
I hung outside, knowing!
Did you dress as a dentist and just follow him going, "Is it safe?
"Is it safe?"
Michael Ball facts. Check this out. You played Edna in Hairspray.
You won the 2008 Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a musical. Phill is doing it.
I went to see Phill in Hairspray on Saturday.
He makes a pretty good woman, I have to say.
I make such a good woman, I work the streets of Soho after the show!
Who vomited in Leo's pool party in 2005?
Anyone called Fergie, you expect them to vomit.
You expect Fergie to be friends with Leonardo DiCaprio.
No, I think Buble would. Rat pack.
He'd love a party. He'd be knocking back the cocktails
and he'd vomit in the shallow end!
My vote would be Buble. Mr Buble. Yeah?
You are right!
It was Michael Buble.
The singer admits he was sick after over-indulging in booze and Mexican food
and was so embarrassed, he fled the party.
It was annoying for DiCaprio as there were signs on the pool, "No running, no petting, no crooning."
Next up, last week it was in the bottom two rounds. This week, it has something to prove.
'It's the Intros Round!'
Noel and Aston, here are your intros. Ready?
Yes. Yeah? OK.
You've got something to live up to, boys, because I was on before
and I didn't ask, but the guys have cut my best bits. Have a look.
First Of The Gang To Die.
# You're the best around
# Nothing's ever gonna keep you down
# You're the best around
# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
# The best around... #
Shall we start with the first bit? Yeah.
'Aston Merrygold!'
I'll do it again.
Ooh, yeah!
Listen mainly to him.
Aston, keep going. Keep going.
Aston, you do it, cos I think you're... On my own?
Shall I go to the toilet?
It's starting to feel like John and Edward!
It was my favourite thing ever when they did Ghostbusters.
They said, "We wanted to be Ghostbusters, but we weren't brave enough."
Like that was the biggest barrier?
Every week I say to them after the show,
"You guys all right?" And they give me an answer like,
"We just seen the Sugababes!"
And I'm like, "Yeah, they're fine."
All that criticism is completely over their heads.
But slightly higher!
You do your bit and David will get it.
Noel, dance or something. I don't want you not part of it.
That bit's not as good, though, Ast.
Sorry! The bit you did after that. That goes into that bit.
Really?
Yeah, it's gonna go into that.
OK. Go for it.
You two are like brothers on bunk beds, arguing.
No way that's Dad's favourite record, you idiot!
Don't make me drop Lego on your head from a height.
OK. I'll just mime my bit. You do your bit, yeah?
OK. I'm gonna do that bit as well.
I think it might be Young Americans by David Bowie.
Correctamundo!
Here's how it should have sounded.
Wow!
What a tune!
It's quite hard to do an impression of David Bowie in that era. Young Americans.
Without doing his voice. What can you do?
I don't know what his dancing was like in that era.
I've an idea. Do you?
Go on. Do it. He invented the caterpillar.
No, he didn't!
I can caterpillar, though. I did the caterpillar two nights ago. I can still do it.
Really?
Can you actually do a dance?
Amazing!
Aghh! That was so elemental!
Aston, don't sit down, buddy. Down here. What?
Who wants to see Aston do a back flip?
Come on. Go on, Aston.
Don't climb over the furniture! Go round!
It's what John and Edward would do! But you're talented.
I've got slippy boots on. I'll fall on my face.
Buddy, if you die, my career's over!
Socks! That's a great idea!
This is the budget version of Celebrities On Ice.
Celebrities On Socks And Lino!
Shall I go now, Dermot? Yeah, but don't die!
If you die, can I be in JLS?
There'd be this ridiculous guy at the end going...
With a big quiff.
I'm good. Don't hurt yourself.
I would go down there, but we've got the same move.
So let's just move on.
Right, guys, next song. Oh, yeah.
Um, it's a sort of electro track.
It's Gary Numan. Yes!
Oh... Um... The Future Is Elastic.
No! It's almost, though. It's close. I wanted to give it to you. It's a lot of the same letters!
It's Are 'Friends' Electric and here's how it should sound.
That was Tubeway Army with Are 'Friends' Electric.
Gary Numan received 18 death threats in the first 12 months of his career.
But John and Edward received so many we had to close the phone lines.
Please don't call now with your death threat.
It won't count, but you may still be charged.
Phill and Michael, here are yours.
Before we go any further, if you could stand up. OK.
There's camera one. I want you to turn to each other
and on my count of three look at camera one in your best smouldering way.
Smoulder? Yep. OK.
Right. In three, two, one.
'Phill Jupitus and Michael Ball!'
Now you can begin. You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in 30 years!
Get it up. Come on.
No, yes, no, but...
What I wanted is, you know...
Who are you gonna call?
Go and vote now!
Which one am I? The other one!
To viewers watching in Ireland, I was nothing to do with that Irish impersonation.
Have I got one of them X Factor voices? 'Russell Tovey!'
Look at that!
That is brilliant!
Nothing. Nothing. Are you serious? Yeah. That was brilliant.
Yeah, if you know it!
I don't know it. OK.
We know it! What is it? I think it's Oasis.
With? I think it's Rock'n'Roll Star and he thinks Cigarettes And Alcohol.
We can't decide. Aghh!
Is it called Rock'n'Roll Star?
Yes!
And here's how it should have sounded.
I shouldn't talk about this, but last time I was on,
I got this certificate.
Next song, please.
What's your first note?
West Side Story! You are joking!
Jesus Christ the Superstar. There you go!
That was Andrew Lloyd Webber's Superstar. We also heard Oasis with Rock'n'Roll Star.
Since Oasis split, the music industry is crying out
for two talented, charismatic brothers to take over the mantle.
Nope, can't go there.
Round Three is... 'The identity parade!' Indeed.
Noel, Aston and David, how about for you a little one-hit wonder from the '80s.
For the audience, this is Broken English.
# She's on your neck before you know it
# She wants to freeze, she's gonna blow it
# You wanna scream, but you don't show it
# She's comin' on, she's comin' on,
# She's comin' on, she's comin' on strong
# I said she's comin' on strong... #
Yeah. That was Broken English in '87
with Comin' On Strong. But which one of our line-up is singer Steve Elson?
Is it number one, Broken English, number two, Broken Dreams,
number three, Broken Down On The A34,
number four, Broken Up With His Agent,
or number five, # Take these broken wings
# And learn to fly again
# Learn to live and love so free. #
These lot are a little bit frightening. How come?
Because they look harder than me and you.
And me and Aston as well.
They do look tough.
You've got a cardigan on, to be fair!
Number three. I don't want anything to do with number three.
Why don't you want anything to do with number three?
I don't want to make a mistake with number three.
Even if you look up close, those tattoos are all pictures of you.
That is the only circumstance. Number three does look hard,
but on the other hand, he looks like he should be holding Nookie Bear.
He has got a Roger de Courcey look about him!
I'm now hiding behind Noel Fielding, which is...
If I ever get sent to prison, I'd want number three to be my friend!
Oh, you'd be his friend all right!
It's one or five, mate. One or five.
I think it's one or five, too.
Why don't we pick three to be mavericks, then hide in the Green Room?
What do you think?
You're a young...child.
Don't ask him! I had to explain to Aston what a fax machine was before the show!
I feel like your supply teacher!
What college do you want to go to, Aston?
Ooh, um... What are your interests?
This pop music, this is not gonna last.
Go on, Aston, make the call. Number...five.
Let's find out. Will the real Steve Elson please step forward?
'Aston Merrygold!'
Now performing as Mick Jagger in the Rolling Stones tribute band, The Counterfeit Stones, Steve Elson!
Phill, Michael and Russell, what about a reality TV girl group?
For the audience only, this is Clea.
# Download it, gotta shoot that smile for me
# If you download it, download it,
# I'll be safe in the arms of love Download it
# Download it next best thing to reality
# If you download it, download it
# I'll be safe in the arms of love. #
That was Clea in 2003 with Download It.
Which of our line-up is singer Emma Beard?
Number one, Emma Beard, Number two, short back and sides,
number three, not too much off the top,
number four, wearing a wig,
or number five, wearing a merkin?
This is so difficult because I don't know this band.
I can tell you... Are they together still?
They've split. Yeah. I can tell you there's twins in the line-up.
So she was going to be invited on the show and said, "Can my sister come?"
Maybe. I know.
Do you? I actually know her. He knows everything. He does.
I actually know. He's doing what young people do when they're excited.
Miss! Miss!
He knows everything. He's amazing. I'm pregnant!
I like number two's shoes.
And she's bevelling beautifully.
Bevel, bevel.
Two. Let's find out.
Will the real Emma Beard please step forward. Yes!
Well done, you!
Nice one.
Emma Beard, ladies and gentlemen.
Aston, did you get her number? I saw her look at you and go, "Hey, babe!"
You went, "Been a long time!"
It has been a long time. I haven't seen her for a long time.
What's your history with her? No history.
There's gonna be a story tomorrow. Bloody hell!
There's no history, but is there some biology?
'Phill Jupitus!'
Right. So we end with... 'Next lines!'
Phill's team are in the lead, so you go first. And your time
starts now.
When the pimp's in the crib, Ma...
Drop it like it's hot. Snoop Doggy Dogg. Drop It Like It's Hot.
Tonight... I'm a rock'n'roll star. Oasis, Rock'n'Roll Star.
Love changes everything... Hands and faces, earth and sky and the baby Jesus.
'Michael Ball!'
Michael Ball.
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it the best I can today...
Cos you can't stop the beat.
# Ever since this old world began
# A woman found out if she shook it she could shake up a man
# And so I'm gonna shake it, shimmy it, the best that I can
# Today
# Cos you can't stop the motion of the ocean
# Or the rain from above
# You can try to stop the paradise we're dreaming of. #
The musical Hairspray. Tickets still available. Matinee Saturday and Thursday.
And Sunday. You Can't Stop The Beat.
Phill's team has ten which means Noel's team need seven points to win.
Your time starts now.
Here in my car...
# Here in my car Here in my car. #
Repeat to fade. I feel safest of all. Yes, Gary Numan, Cars.
Everybody in love... Put your hands up. Go on and put your hands up.
JLS. I'll give you that. I'm here to win your heart and your soul.
If you shave a panda...
..and weave the fur into a fabric, that fabric is bullet-proof.
That's my goal. Shayne Ward. Rebel, rebel.
Your face is a mess. Yes. David Bowie. Rebel, Rebel.
What have you got in store for us tonight?
Pandas.
It's from one of my songs. Yes.
I'm gonna rock your world in quite a gentle way like a delicious cake as opposed to a bag of drugs.
That's you on the DOD.
Final scores today
Phill's team with ten. Snatching it at the last, Noel's team with 11.
# And then a hero comes along
# With the strength to carry on. #
One last time, my thanks to... 'Phill Jupitus! Russell Tovey! Michael Ball!
'Aston Merrygold! Noel Fielding! David O'Doherty!'
That was Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Dermot O'Leary. Next week your host will be Frankie Boyle.
See you then! 'Good night!'