The Guild Season 2 Full Season with Trivia Annotations by Creator Felicia Day & Producer Kim Evey!


Uploaded by geekandsundry on Apr 3, 2012

Transcript:

CODEX: No.
Do not unpack my underwear.
I will do it, Zaboo.
ZABOO: Nothing pervy.
Just doing inventory.
CODEX: Who knew?
Somehow you break it, you bought it
applies to humans, too.
Zaboo's still here.
Which ironically came in handy today with
all the moving stuff.
Yeah, turns out his mom is a real estate lawyer.
With a grudge, so she got me evicted.
Yeah, it's been a great weekend.
What am I supposed to do?
He has nowhere to go.
He's got no money.
And bottom line, The Guild needs him for raid DPS.
Worst loot ever.

Ow.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
CLARA: Once upon a time, the baby little chicken went to
his mommy and said, Mommy--
his shields are down.
Nuke his face off.
And well, the mom, she said, cluck, cluck.
Cluck, I'm dying.
TINKERBALLA: Bladezz, get your stupid character off me.
Fight somewhere else.
ZABOO: Dude.
Dude, you need to use mass healing prayer instead of spot
healing us like that.
Obvious.
CODEX: Zaboo, I told you to play in the kitchen.
ZABOO: I can't.
I'm cooking brisket in there.
CODEX: But how does that prevent you
from playing in there?
ZABOO: It just reeks of brisket, so
it's hard to focus.
VORK: Codex, Zaboo.
You're letting this illicit cohabitation affect your
combat performance.
Take them down.
I'm about to ruin $0.72 worth of tater tots.
CODEX: We are not living together.
I just moved, and he accompanied me.
Smiting.
BLADEZZ: Boom, kill shot.
4K crit.
TINKERBALLA: Measure your e-peen later.
Link the loot, Vork.
Let's go.
BLADEZZ: Tink, your face is so sweet, and your
tongue is so sour.
You know, I got some pork you can spread that sauce on.
VORK: Bladezz.
Here's the loot.
Holy guacamole.
CLARA: Oh my god, it's the Orb of Nurr.
Yes, yes.
TINKERBALLA: Oh, now it's just got interesting.
CODEX: That's the orb that starts the
new quest line, right?
CLARA: Uh-huh.
And once you activate it, the orb lets you change your hair
style and hair color any time.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
ZABOO: Hmm, there's a 3% drop rate.
Just a vanity item, though.
TINKERBALLA: Hell yeah, it is.
And I want it.
ZABOO: And I'm with Zaboo on this one.
I'm saving up for an item that won't shrivel my scrotum.
CODEX: You guys, I can't buy it.
I spent all my points last week on my new staff.
TINKERBALLA: You mean Zaboo?
ZABOO: I'll get an orb for you.
I'll play all night if I have to.
Adorb'd.
CODEX: That's nice.
But why don't you get online and find a job,
or a place to live?
Not here.
ZABOO: Well, I did go online.
I found us a new couch.
It's really comfortable.
God, you're moody.
I bet you're ovulating right now.
VORK: Taking bids on the Orb of Nurr.
TINKERBALLA: OK, I'm going to do pink
ponytails first, and then--
CLARA: Wait, wait.
I got to see how many points I have left.
MALE SPEAKER: Honey?
Honey?
Sorry to bother you, sweetie, but what should I be packing
for the trip?
CLARA: What?
MALE SPEAKER: You know, the trip to Vermont.
Tomorrow.
Your sister's wedding.
CLARA: The wedding, right, trip.
You know, just whatever you usually pack, like stuff to
feed them, stuff to wipe up poop, toys.
TINKERBALLA: That orb is mine, Clara.
CLARA: Watch it, girlie, or I'll cut your
pretty little face.

ZABOO: Yep, you're totally ovulating right now.
You're actually really fertile.
The banks of the Ganges River.
CODEX: You laminated my cycle?
ZABOO: Kinko'd.
Look, bottom line, for the price of rent, I can get a T1
line installed.
For us to use, together.
CODEX: No, we are not together.
How many times do I have to tell you?
Wait.
A T1 line?
VORK: Where are those bids?
I have my policies.
30 seconds.
I mean, this is serious, guys.
CLARA: Wait, I had my points on a blue post-it.
Damn it.
MALE SPEAKER: Honey, do you want me to
help you find something?

CLARA: No.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
CODEX: A T1 line?
ZABOO: Yeah.
ZABOO: Fiber optic cables.
1.544 megabits per second.
CODEX: A T1.
That's so fast.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ZABOO: 99.8% uptime.
We can download every unicorn movie ever made in
approximately 2.8 minutes.
Maybe 2.6.
CLARA: No.
No.
This is-- no.
No.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

CODEX: There was this Robert Frost poem I
had to learn in college.
Something about two roads in--
I forget.
OK, bad analogy.
Anyway, there was a moment when Zaboo's
face was like this.
And I totally froze, because I knew that what happened next
could quite possibly be a horrible, horrible mistake.
Like in those Choose Your Own Adventure books, I always
picked the ending where I died or got somebody killed.
It was just like so stressful.
This is exactly like that, except lips were involved.
I need to look up that poem.

[MUSIC PLAYING]
ZABOO: Zero latency.

VORK: Tink wins the orb.
CLARA: What?
[SCREAMS]
MALE SPEAKER: Uh.
CLARA: Huh?
MALE SPEAKER: Kids, let's go play in the nursery.
Mommy needs a moment.
CODEX: What's wrong, Clara?
Are you in labor again?
ZABOO: Argh, blocked.
I got perpetual Smurf balls down here.
CLARA: I didn't get the bid.
Vork the dork gave the orb to Stinkyballa.
BLADEZZ: Ooh, meows time.
VORK: I awarded the orb to the highest bidder within the time
limit, per Guild rule number 24, paragraph three, section
A.
TINKERBALLA: Yeah.
For once, Vork's anal retentive bull [BLEEP]
is worth something.
VORK: Why, thank you, Tink.
ZABOO: Oops.
I just dropped eight gigs of RAM down my pants.

CODEX: Zaboo, it's not going to work.
ZABOO: Come on.
I mean, you're breaking my health meter over here.
CODEX: What?
ZABOO: I need to be buffed, OK?
I need buffs.
Buff me.
CODEX: Right.
OK, let me try to explain this to you in a way that you might
understand.
In life, you are a starting character.
You are alone for the first time in your life, and you're
like living off me.
It's not sexy.
If we were to be together, as unlikely as that ever, ever
would be, you would have to do some major leveling, OK?
A lot.

ZABOO: You think I'm a starting character?
CLARA: I can't believe you didn't wait for
me to get back online.
I was pinned down.
First, I had husband aggro, and then I had baby DPS.
VORK: Procedures were followed.
Guild has no further comment.
TINKERBALLA: Relax, it's just loot.
Wait, forget I said that.
It's loot.
Here, let me link it just in case you forgot the stats.
BLADEZZ: Ouch.
And I thought Clara was the frost mage.
CLARA: No, I didn't get to bid.
That's so unfair.
CODEX: Clara, the orb is bound to Tink's character now.
Vork couldn't give it to you even if he wanted to.
CLARA: You're right.
You know, I don't know why I got so worked up.
It's fine, Vork.
Someone will die for this.
ZABOO: Codex.
CODEX: Oh my god.
ZABOO: Your quest is accepted.
I'm leaving to go power level myself and earn your love.
CODEX: Wait.
You're leaving?
Really?
ZABOO: Don't get me wrong.
You still get me as hard as an old-school joystick.
But you're right.
You need to be at the end of a long quest chain, not some
quick turn-in.
So goodbye, my love.
I will return.
CODEX: Wait, wait.
ZABOO: Yeah?
Huh?
CODEX: Not that I'm stopping you.
It's just, where are you going exactly?
ZABOO: I googled a homeless shelter near Echo Park.
So they have dial-up.
CODEX: A homeless shelter?
Dial-up?
You can't do that.
ZABOO: What am I supposed to do, OK?
I found out my mom canceled my credit cards when I was trying
to buy some lingerie online.
Granny panty'd.
CODEX: Everyone, tell Zaboo not to go live on the streets
like a hobo.
ZABOO: I have to set forth and blossom into my manhood, so I
can get some.
VORK: I can't be bothered by Guild drama right now.
I need you to earn 5,000 gold by 5:00 PM GMT.
BLADEZZ: Dude, that's a lot of dough.
Am I blackmailing you, and forgot about it?
VORK: I'm freelancing to provide game gold for a fellow
in Beijing.
I didn't realize it would be so hard to balance it with my
own game obligations.
I'm way behind.
TINKERBALLA: You're gold farming for a Chinese dude?
Is it opposite day?
VORK: I need the mad money in case we go to that extortion
hut, Cheesybeards.
Besides, the exchange rate is very favorable right now.
CODEX: Hey, Zaboo has tons of gold.
That's all he does, besides obsess over me.
ZABOO: It's true.
I'm a machine for both those things.
VORK: Ugh.
CODEX: Then you need a mentor with a penis.
VORK: Damn it.
I think my ketchup keg has expired.
CODEX: Hey, Vork?
Problem solved.
You need a roommate.

Vork and Zaboo rooming together?
It's perfect.
I don't why I didn't think about it before.
Post-traumatic stress, probably.
Vork was a little reluctant at first, but he finally came
around after he got a screenshot of Zaboo's game
bank and two reference letters.
From Bladezz and Clara.
What a weird credit approval process.
Anyway, it's perfect.
They both have the same interests--
well, interest.
And getting Zaboo out of my apartment?
Priceless.
I'm alone.
I'm going to run around the house naked.

17 seconds.
Personal best.

No wonder I had to GPS this area.
ZABOO: Ah, no worries.
I played quite a bit of console in my day, so I know
how to navigate urban landscapes.
Oh, black power.
And brown power.
CODEX: Zaboo.
ZABOO: Both powers.
Oh, OK.
CODEX: Well, this is interesting.
OK, OK, calm down.
It's fine.
ZABOO: I need to clean it off for you.
CODEX: OK.
ZABOO: Don't want you to hurt yourself.

VORK: Greetings, Guildies.
Before you enter, I do need you to sign these.
ZABOO: Sweet.
CODEX: What is this stuff?
VORK: Just a formality.
Litigation releases, non-disclosure agreements.
Standard procedure.
CODEX: To enter a house?
I don't think that's standard.
VORK: I require everyone.
Even dates, hypothetically speaking.
ZABOO: See?
A man sets his parameters, and then he sticks to them.
Lesson number one.
All right, I'm blossoming already.
[GUNSHOTS AND SCREAMS]
CODEX: Cool.
OK, let's get inside.
Now.
VORK: I don't usually have visitors.
The last one took Grandpa away in a hearse.
CODEX: I'm sorry.
ZABOO: Ah.
So this is where we can smoke pipes, and
drink cognac like men.
VORK: Grandpa passed away in that chair.
ZABOO: Oh.
I can see why, man.
It's hella comfy.

VORK: Follow me.

ZABOO: Something wrong?

VORK: This is my bedroom.
If you enter it, I will immediately call the police,
and have you charged with trespassing
and aggravated assault.
Bathroom.
ZABOO: Parameter'd.
VORK: This would be your bedroom.
CODEX: "Would?"
VORK: Per architectural design, but the practical
application is not actionable at this moment.
ZABOO: I'm sure it's fine.
Jeez.
CODEX: What the hell, Vork?
VORK: It's amazing what functional items people throw
away each day.

Rent is due the 15th of every month.
300 gold pieces transferred to my character in-game.
Also, I'll need 400 pieces of ore for deposit, 200
nonrefundable.
CODEX: Why is there ice in your refrigerator?
VORK: I don't have electricity.
I find it more cost-effective to purchase ice through
government-issued food stamps.
CODEX: You don't have electricity?
VORK: Once I became a non-paid professional Guild master, I
had to cut the fat from life.
CODEX: Vork, electricity isn't fat.
ZABOO: It's fine.
I'm fine with roughing it.
I'm good with gold.
Just, where do I crash?
VORK: Hope you're not allergic to birds.
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
VORK: I made the usual alley rounds this morning, and
furnished it.
CODEX: That's from an alley?
ZABOO: Oh, pigeons.
Cool.
VORK: Not pigeons.
Squab.
Drumette?
ZABOO: Yes, sir.
CODEX: Oh my god.
VORK: No worries.
The majority have been tested for bird flu.
ZABOO: See, so here's my only concern.
I mean, you have no electricity,
so you log on how?

VORK: This shed technically belongs to the house behind
us, but every year I've moved my fence back three inches,
and now it's completely on my property.
CODEX: How do they not notice?
VORK: Fortunately, the gentleman has Alzheimer's.
And an excellent open Wi-Fi connection.
[BELL DINGS]
VORK: Our time is over.
This social exchange has been mutually beneficial.
Zaboo, you owe me 300 gold pieces.
ZABOO: Yes, can do.
CODEX: So, let's say that you're a puppy, and I'm
finding you a new home.
I don't think I would leave you here.
ZABOO: You seem concerned.
Are you concerned about me?
I mean, did it work already?
Should I move back in?
CODEX: No, no, that's not what I'm saying.
VORK: Codex, stop malingering.
We have a 2:00 PM raid.
CODEX: Feed and water him twice daily.
ZABOO: Oh, hey.
Babycakes, don't worry.
You're still my primary quest line.

All right.
Let's do this.
Search, how to make a lady wild for you.
Oh.

CODEX: I'm not an aggressive person, but I admit it.
I like killing things.
But only in-game.
I've been over it with my therapist, and I won't pretend
it's not a form of sublimation.
Bam, rent check.
Die, meter maid.
Thing is, I would never do anything like
that in real life.
I'm a strict--
theoretical vegetarian.
So when I saw that guy fall down the stairs, most of me
wanted to burst into tears, or run in the opposite direction.
But a tiny, tiny part of me was like, dude, I
just owned that guy.
Tiny part.
I swear.

Oh, gosh.
I'm so sorry.
Are you OK?
Don't move.
Don't move.
WADE: No worries, Red.
Just practicing for my gag tomorrow.
CODEX: You're what?
WADE: I'm playing a salty pirate.
CODEX: OK.
WADE: Wade Wei, apartment 20.
Stuntman by trade.
Call me Guns.
CODEX: Wow, stunt guy.
That's cool.
WADE: I know.
Gave you a little scare there.
Can't say I'm sorry.
That meant it played.
CODEX: OK.
I'm Codex.
No, I'm Cyd, Cyd Sherman.
I'm in apartment 16.
WADE: Right, just moved in with your husband.
CODEX: No.
No, not.
That's just a temporary roommate situation.
WADE: He introduced you guys as the Shermans.
He mentioned flatware patterns, some
kind of wedding registry.
CODEX: Wow, that's funny.
No, no, that was just a joke.
He is not here anymore, thank God.
He's still a friend.
It's just--
well, there were some misconceptions
on his part, and--
WADE: You're cute.
CODEX: I definitely don't know how to respond to that.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
CODEX: Oh.
Oh, gosh.
I'm sorry, I've got to go.
I'm late for this online appointment.
No, that sounds weird.
It's just, it's a little hard to explain.
I can't--
I've got to go.
I've got to go.
WADE: See you around, Red.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

CODEX: Sorry, everyone.
I ran into a--
really cute-- neighbor.
ZABOO: I'm working on a strategy to earn your love, my
priestess of passion.
VORK: Please don't disturb my Excel loot tables.
TINKERBALLA: You guys, the quest to
activate this orb is balls.
I'm not Old McDonald.
I don't have time to farm all this crap.
BLADEZZ: You know, Tink, if you ever need a man to season
with that spice--
TINKERBALLA: I just got rid of one.
I'm not rebounding with someone straight out of
puberty, thanks.
CLARA: You broke up?
Dish, dish.
TINKERBALLA: Yeah, I dumped him.
He was totally smothering me.
Called me like two times last week.
CODEX: Tink, Clara, can I see you in the
other channel, please?
CLARA: Sure, one sec.
Bye, my preciouses.
Eat lots of cake for Mommy.
MALE SPEAKER: Oh, say bye-bye to Mommy.
She's got to-- uh.

CLARA: Clara's ready to go.
BLADEZZ: Why do chicks have to talk in private like that?
Do they need to sync their periods or something?
ZABOO: Codex probably needs lady support.
Being apart is, quite frankly, tough on both of us.
I mean, she's totally crying right now.
CLARA: Stuntman?
Oh my god.
I was always so into Chuck Norris.
I wanted his mustache all over my body.
TINKERBALLA: I've only pushed ugly people down the stairs.
Jealous.
CODEX: Yeah, I don't normally interact with
guys with muscle tone.
There was definite eye contact.
TINKERBALLA: Is that unusual for you?
CODEX: Yeah, it is.
CLARA: Did he touch you?
Did he grab the back of your head and thrust his tongue
down your throat?
TINKERBALLA: Clara, gross.
Did he?
CODEX: No.
I went to help him up, but he jumped off
the ground by himself.
Ooh, like when an orc gets stunned, then bounces up to
start cleaving.
CLARA: Oh my god.
Hot.
TINKERBALLA: Totally hot.
ZABOO: OK, Vork.
What steps do I need to take to win Codex's love?
I tried wiping my pit sweat on her pillow for like a week, so
clearly the pheromone route is a no-go.
VORK: I'm sexually neutral with regard to Guild members.
A position of authority is an intoxicating
equation for females.
I wouldn't want to abuse it.
BLADEZZ: Dude, take the Bladezz train to success.
Give her crap.
Now that she's single, Tink will be all over it.
ZABOO: Hmm, the old bag of douche technique.
See, with Tink, I would just finish her orb quest for her.
She's a total mercenary like that.
BLADEZZ: So I could be 400 Fernbrush, 62 Lynx Hearts,
eight Horror Fangs, and like 300 other components away from
the Orient Express to paradise?
ZABOO: Yeah, dude.
If only Codex were that easy.
Type high five, my brother.
VORK: Warning, women in general only
yield short-term returns.
They are not a suitable vehicle for long-term
investments.
Also in my experience, very low drop rate.
All I can say is, have fun grinding.
BLADEZZ: Oh, I will.
VORK: I meant grinding for game ingredients.
BLADEZZ: Sure you did.
VORK: Bladezz.
TINKERBALLA: Go after this guy.
Figure out the encounter, and down him.
CODEX: I just got rid of Zaboo.
I'm not looking for a guy right now.
Besides, he's prettier than me.
TINKERBALLA: Codex, you can't let reality get in the way of
what you want.
CLARA: Yeah.
Like, I want to get my own orb.
TINKERBALLA: Get over it already.
CLARA: But it's my stupid sister's wedding this weekend,
so I just told my husband that the groom squeezed my boob
last summer and totally got out of the entire trip.
CODEX: He squeezed your boob?
CLARA: No, I lied.
Bonus--
hubby had to take the kids, because they're the stupid
flower girls.
I'm so happy right now.
CODEX: You skipped your sister's wedding?
CLARA: Half-sister.
Look, the point is, lie, and good things will happen.
TINKERBALLA: OK, good lesson.
Let's play now.
CLARA: Back.
Let's get Mommy an orb.
VORK: Clara, we are scheduled for PVP from 2:00 to 4:00 PM.
We can't put one person's loot needs above the group.
CLARA: But I skipped my--
right.

BLADEZZ: Hey, Tink.
You know, I've got dagger skills.
I could help you with the orb stuff.
CODEX: Was that Bladezz?
TINKERBALLA: You'd do some of this work for me?
BLADEZZ: Well, yeah.
You know, nothing more than I'd do for any
other smoking Guildie.
Meaning, just you.
TINKERBALLA: Oh my god.
That would be totally sweet.
Thanks.

[ELECTRONIC GROAN]
VORK: What the?
Oh, would you-- ugh.
Someone just killed me right in the middle
of the Guild hall.
CLARA: That's so weird.
Why would someone do that?
Oh, this is going to be a great weekend.

CODEX: I'm not used to getting hit on very much.
A few years ago, when I cut my hair really short, this girl
asked me out to dinner.
And it wasn't 'til she got her hand like way up my leg that I
started suspecting something was up.
For the record, it did not turn me on.
It just tickled.
I should have shaved.
Anyway, after getting used to Zaboo's bolder statements of
interest, I can't really tell if the stunt guy
was into me or not.
I should shave my legs just in case.
Oh no, that might jinx it.
Or I should do it anyway, but--
being a girl is so much work.

[GROANS OF EXERTION]
ZABOO: Ah, one.
I embrace the tiger within me.
Two.
Ooh.
I am predator, not prey.
I am the god Shiva, the god of masculinity and destruction.
OK, that's enough.

Yeah, Vork.
The internet's basically telling me everything I need
to know about becoming a man.
Number one, buff it up.
When Codex sees my curves, she's going to be enamored.
Oh, man.
Back when she was 12, she used to have a huge crush on Dolph
Lundgren in He-Man.
Now it's my turn.
I have the power.

I never realized how awesome it is being a man, and doing
man things with other men.
VORK: Another reminder R-E colon this morning.
Men only shower together if there's more than one shower.
I-E comma, a gym.
Not a residence.
ZABOO: 10-4.
Besides that little bump, though, we're basically having
the time of our lives.
VORK: 300 gold.
300 gold.
[ELECTRONIC MOAN]
VORK: Damn it.
I just got killed again.
I swear I'm being stalked.
[LAUGHTER]
[ELECTRONIC GROAN]
[LAUGHTER]
VORK: This ganker, TeatsForTots, seems to know
every detail of my schedule.
Look, I've mapped out the kill pattern on the game atlas
using a borrowed NASA simulation program.
Same places each time.
ZABOO: Sucks.
Anyway, let's you and me go wrestle.
Or shoot things.
With a javelin.
Archery.
Golf.
Just anything phallic, some sort of phallic sport.
Men.
Let's do chest bumping.
VORK: Please don't.
Don't.
Oh, boy.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
TINKERBALLA: After you're done gathering like 200 blood
mushrooms for my orb quest, make sure to polish off that
calc homework I faxed you.
It's due in the morning.
BLADEZZ: Oh, you know, I could come over and deliver it into
your hot little hands myself.
And I could bring the homework, too.
TINKERBALLA: Bladezz.
BLADEZZ: Ciao, Balla.

CODEX: What's going on?
Why is Bladezz doing homework for you?
TINKERBALLA: Oh, hey.
He thinks he's going to get a virtual lap dance out of it,
but all he's really going to get is a trouser tent and
maybe a best wishes e-card.
CODEX: Tink, you shouldn't flirt with him and make him do
stuff for you.
That's gross.
TINKERBALLA: You're one--
to talk, dangling your carrot crotch out for Zaboo to lure
him into Vork's crack shack.
CODEX: He was stalking me from my own apartment.
Something had to give.
TINKERBALLA: So you made him think he had a chance with you
to get what you want.
Gee, sounds familiar.
CODEX: No, it's--
different.
TINKERBALLA: It's not.
But don't feel guilty about it.
You're done with him.
Codex, men are meant to be used for their skill sets.
Need to pass a biology test?
Date a biologist.
Or your biology TA.
You don't even need names, as far as I'm concerned.
Fred, Joe, and Ryan might as well be called Moving Van,
Pharmacist, and Oil Change.
You just have to pick the right tool for the right job.
And believe me, they're all tools.
CODEX: Hmm.
Are you for real?
TINKERBALLA: Yeah.
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE]
CODEX: Oh, the stuntman's home.
He drives a motorcycle.
TINKERBALLA: Go.
Go.
And I need to hear the whole combat log in detail.
CODEX: Yeah, but we're in the middle of
clearing this orc cave.
The two-headed King Mangoroth is right there, so--
TINKERBALLA: Codex, sometimes getting laid is more important
than killing an orc king.
Go, and be confident.
CODEX: OK.
If I get rejected, what's the downside?
I'll cry a lot.
I'll probably do that anyway.

Whew.
Confident.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WADE: Dude, is a cat dying in here?
Just kidding.
CODEX: Sorry, was I too-- gah!
Oh my god.
What happened to your face?
WADE: What?
What?
Oh, my face.
CODEX: Yes, your face.
Ugh.
WADE: I just got off-set from my latest
flick, Necrotic Fury.
Today I played the main bad-ass zombie.
Big action sequence.
First I jump off this car, and a guy attacks me to the right,
so I batter him to the face.
Another guy comes and attacks me to my left.
I duck under, punch him in the stomach.
Another one, spin hook.
Then he tries to stake me, so I pull a Matrix move.
Duck underneath, he goes for my legs.
I aerial over it, jump up, knee him in the face, start
eating his brains out.

Upshot is, I get killed by a blowtorch to the face.
Flick's going to be tight, though.
CODEX: Awesome.
OK.
Well, I can't really look at you right now, so--
you know, goodbye.
WADE: Did you ever make your appointment yesterday?
CODEX: Oh, god.
I just have this game I play online.
It's nothing important.
WADE: You had an appointment for gaming?
CODEX: No.
Uh, no, I didn't say that.
That would be weird, right?
WADE: Pretty much.
Gaming's for fat guys who live in their mom's basements.
Soft and doughy when I punch them.
CODEX: Right.
You're so right.

WADE: My roommate's got a console, though.
You should come by and check it out.
I'll just watch, and--
check you out.
CODEX: Oh.
Ooh.
OK, maybe later, when I can't see your entire eyeball.
WADE: It's just makeup.
Go ahead, touch it.
CODEX: No, no, I can't do that.
WADE: Oh come on, it's cool.
CODEX: No, it's--
ooh.
Ooh, it's soft and stuff.

[VOMITING]

CODEX: I have a squeamish stomach, OK?
I always have.
I feel faint at the sight of really bad acne, or raw
chicken livers, or people's toe hair.
[GAGS]
Oh, gross.
And it's not even a good story, because I can't say I
was so wasted, like any other good puking tale, if there is
such a thing.
Bright side, at least I won't have to make room for dating
around my gaming schedule.
That would suck.
I want to die right now.

CLARA: I'm Codex.
Hurlwh.
Hurlwh.
Hurlwh.
CODEX: OK, Clara, thanks for the support.
Oh.
Oh god, he probably hates me now.
TINKERBALLA: Why, because you puked all over him?
Nah, probably got a stiffie instantly.
CLARA: I've been playing for 48 hours straight.
Humiliation is super funny to me right now.
You're so hot.
Hurlwh.
Gah.
Ew, I almost threw up for real that time.
TINKERBALLA: Clara, you need to take it easy.
You've been online for like, what, two days straight?
CLARA: I'm not wasting one minute of my me weekend.
Besides trying to get me an orb, I got this side
project going on.
[DOOR OPENS]
ZABOO: Oh, sweet.
Chow time.
VORK: Yeah, you owe me an extra 89 gold for meals.
But I will give the option of trading me in-game food as
long as it's level 31 quality or above.
ZABOO: Consider it done.
[LAUGHTER]
[ELECTRONIC GROAN]
ZABOO: Dude?
You're getting killed right now.
VORK: What?

I was AFK.
Have you no honor, TeatsForTots?
This harassment is neutering my business hours.
ZABOO: Who'd want to gank you like that?
VORK: I have many enemies, starting with my seventh grade
rival for class president, Kenny McIntyre, to a
12-year-old newbie who I chided for four hours straight
after he killed a yeti chief I needed for a quest turn-in.
ZABOO: Heinous'd.
VORK: Indeed.
I could use your help in scouring the grasslands of
Erenor to hunt down this vengeful beast of a player.
ZABOO: Cool.
Yeah, I just finished making a website dedicated to Codex's
toes, shrimpingcodex.com.
So my lady homework is done for the day.
[SMOOCH]
CODEX: What am I going to do?
The only way I can avoid this guy here is to go through my
bathroom window, which is two inches too small for my head.
CLARA: When I switch camera views really quickly, I get
really dizzy.
Do it with me, you guys.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.

TINKERBALLA: Codex, men think with their little heads, not
their stomachs.
Just splash him some of that albino skin,
and it'll be history.
CODEX: It can't be that easy.
I puked beef burrito on him.
TINKERBALLA: Listen to me.
Women have all the power in sex.
CLARA: That's why male prostitutes
don't make house calls.
CODEX: They don't?
CLARA: At least, not to this zip code.
ZABOO: Dude, get this mob off me.
It's interrupting my blast.
VORK: I'm trying.
ZABOO: You're running the opposite way.
VORK: My controls aren't responding.
I don't understand.
ZABOO: Oh.
While you were out house-wiving, I re-mapped all
your hotkeys.
You were moving a total noob way.
VORK: You did what?

ZABOO: Uh.
CODEX: Hmm?
CLARA: More cleavage.
CODEX: I don't have more.
TINKERBALLA: She means, get more out.
CODEX: Hmm?
[PHONE RINGING]
CODEX: Hello?
BLADEZZ: Hey, Codex.
Got your digits from Zaboo.
So when do you think a woman is sufficiently bought, and
will perform sexual services?
CODEX: Bladezz?
I'd say you're wrong, and you need to learn more about
relationships.
BLADEZZ: Relationships?
Oh, you are so missing the point.
Look, Tink wants me.
It's obvious.
But waiting to hit it, it's messing up my
life in a lot of ways.
And--
DENA: Stupid.
Making the hearts all crooked.
BLADEZZ: I don't care.
Just hurry.
Her sister's birthday is Monday, so she wants this in
the mail ASAP.
DENA: I don't participate in shoddy craftsmanship.
BLADEZZ: Ow.
Dena.
Ow.
Mom.
Ow.
DENA: Use the stencil.
Do it.
CODEX: Bladezz?
Bladezz?
You ever think Tink might be using you?
BLADEZZ: Whoa.
OK, you had your chance to ride the Bladezz train.
Just because we're on the phone together?
Skanky.
CODEX: OK, you're right.
You totally deserve each other.
She'll come around.
Just hang in there, OK?
Bye.
God.

VORK: Zaboo, you don't touch a man's key bindings.
That's an ultimate violation.
ZABOO: Yeah?
Well, don't tell me how many times I can
flush a toilet a day.
VORK: I can't subsidize your bowel movements.
I have to get an accurate measurement to split the bill.
And I've had it with you telling me
how to play my class.
ZABOO: Yeah?
Well, fire thrust is better than reave blade,
so deal with it.
VORK: Are you out of your mind?
That's like saying a savings account is a better investment
than a laddered CD.
You are insane.
ZABOO: Damn, It's fun to spar with you
mano a mano like this.
Get this much testosterone in a room, it's fireworks.
Pew.
Pew, pew.

VORK: Codex?
Codex?
I need you in the alternate channel now.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
CODEX: Hello, there.
WADE: Hey, how's your stomach?
CODEX: Oh.
Fine.
I'm feeling better.
WADE: You're definitely looking better.
CODEX: Oh, ding.
So, what kind of moves are those?
WADE: I'm just loosening up before sparring practice.
My next job's on Joust a Minute, a
mini-series about knights.
CODEX: Oh, cool.
WADE: I've got to use this polearm weapon
in a dueling sequence.
CODEX: Like a halberd?
WADE: Yeah.
Whoa.
How'd you know about that?
CODEX: Strangely, weaponry is an area I know a lot about.
WADE: Sexy.

[LOUD CRACK]
CODEX: Oh my god.
WADE: Ha, ha.
Got you.
See?
CODEX: Yeah.
Oh, that was very clever.
WADE: Here, I could to it to you.
CODEX: No, it's-- ugh.
[LOUD CRACK]
CODEX: Oh.
Oh.
Ooh.
VORK: Codex, this man bothering you?
CODEX: Vork?
No.
No, he's just putting me in a headlock.
VORK: Then we need to talk.

CODEX: Ugh.
Talk about an aggro wipe.
And Vork called me Codex right in front of Wade.
So he's probably like, what's with this girl and her alias?
Is she like a CIA agent or something?
OK, he wouldn't think that.
Would he?
That would be cool, actually.
The good thing is that Clara and Tink seem to be right.
Guys will overlook anything if there is cleavage involved.
It's not that flattering.
Anyway, if I could just stop guildies from showing up
places, I might have a chance with this guy.
I know, big if.
[WHISTLING]

Hi, Vork.
Did I give you my address?
Ever?
VORK: I got it from a printout that Zaboo decoupaged to the
bottom of his bedroom squab cage.
Along with many unflattering photos of you.
And various hair samples.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but he
has a slight fixation.
CODEX: Thanks for the heads-up.

Can I help you?
VORK: Why are you dressed like a harlot?
CODEX: Why are you here?
VORK: Codex, I'm going to need to invoke the
state's lemon law.
Zaboo and I are turning out to be incompatible as roommates.
CODEX: No.
No, Vork.
No.
This is a great revenue stream for you.
Don't just throw it all away.
Let's talk this through logically.
VORK: There is no logic with him.
He is irrational.
Like a lobotomized troll.
It is scientifically proven that thunder cleave is
directly affected by the death reach feat.
But he still denies that there's a one-on-one
correlation.
And he uses my hair products without asking me.
CODEX: What hair products?
VORK: I get flyaways.
Cover yourself, woman.
CODEX: OK.
I'm going to go change.
Are you hungry?
There's stuff in the kitchen.
Anything you want.

VORK: Anything?

ZABOO: Yeah, so the real turning point was today when I
created a new character, Zaboo 2.0.
I didn't equip any weapons, just went
around punching stuff.
Manly'd.
Well anyway, I think we can put the gas
bill in my name, and--
CODEX: Zaboo?
Zaboo?
Who are you talking to?
ZABOO: Oh.
You, my sweet.
I've finished leveling, and I'm coming home.
CODEX: Home?
Here?
ZABOO: Yep.
Ah, I'm ready.
Poor Vork is going to be hella disappointed.
We've been having this awesome back and forth about the reave
blade ability.
Good timez.
With a Z.
CODEX: But Zaboo, you just left a few days ago.
So--
ZABOO: Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry it's taking me so long.
But I've been working on myself 24/2, and believe you
me, I'm totally worthy of you now.
I've lost 3/4 of a pound.
I've studied all the kama sutras.
I've even invented some of my own positions.
Including one that I like to call the QWERTY Sanchez.
Cyber sutra'd.
Yeah, so let me tell you about the QWERTY Sanchez.
First of all--
CODEX: I can't believe I'm doing this.
ZABOO: Take a keyboard, and rub it smoothly down the nape
of your neck.
CODEX: Hi, Dr. Hammond.
It's Co--
Cyd.
Cyd Sherman.
Remember, you dumped me last week.
DR. HAMMOND: Hi, Cyd.
Let's just call it separated.
CODEX: Whatever.
I need help.
Over the phone.
Immediately.
DR. HAMMOND: OK.
Well, you just make an appointment--
CODEX: I'm going to hang myself with an Ethernet cord.
DR. HAMMOND: Cyd, that's not a mature
response to any situation.
CODEX: Tell me about it.
Anyway, I am obsessed with someone.
They're not interested in me, but for some reason, it does
not matter.
I am completely oblivious to their feelings.
DR. HAMMOND: So you're aware that you're oblivious?
CODEX: No.
No, this is just a brief lucid moment.
DR. HAMMOND: Well, in relationships, the way that a
person loves others is learned primarily
through their parents.
So it sounds like--
CODEX: Bingo, call waiting.
One sec.
Zaboo?
Zaboo?
I think that you were smothered as a kid.
And now, hence you are smothering me.
It's obsessive, and occasionally scary.
And it's a really selfish kind of love.

It's your mom's fault.
ZABOO: Wow, Codex.
That's deep.
Freud'd.
CODEX: Back.
Next question.
And you think these control issues are causing--

VORK: Nice frozen yogurt maker.
CODEX: Vork, I meant food, not appliances.
VORK: You said "anything."
CODEX: Anyway, I think that your feelings about this
roommate, Zaboo, are reflective of destructive
control issues.
And that I--
I mean you--
need to consider this an opportunity to--
something about comfort zones?
VORK: Interesting theory.
Are you sure I can't have the fro-yo maker?
CODEX: Yes.
Meaning no, you can't have it.
I'll be right back.

ZABOO: It is selfish love.
But it's still love.
Damn it.
I'm taking so much damage.
[SOBS]
CODEX: Are you playing?
ZABOO: Yeah.
These ice elementals keep owning me.
I'm so vulnerable.
CODEX: Oh.
Well, I can log in, and I'll buff you against elements.
And-- no.
No.
You have to freeze to death.
Tough love.
One sec.
Back.
So let's wrap this up.
I have been living alone since my grandpa died, and I'm
fussy, kind of like a old lady with a penis.
And my--
DR. HAMMOND: A penis?
CODEX: Oh, well--
DR. HAMMOND: Cyd, I'm going to take a wildly
insightful guess here.
This isn't about you, is it?
CODEX: No.
DR. HAMMOND: I should say that this is a reflection of your
pathological need to solve other people's problems while
avoiding your own, but--
forget it.
I'll be billing your insurance.
Twice.

VORK: Codex.
Appreciate the effort you're taking to make
the situation work.
I've discovered some very surprising things
about myself today.
Namely, that I'd really like a yogurt maker.
But I still feel--
[POPPING NOISE]
VORK: What the?
CODEX: What?
VORK: Official game bulletin.
CODEX: Informing you of maintenance tonight.
Four-hour server shutdown.
VORK: Server shutdown?
CODEX: Four hours?
That's ridic--

When we saw that the server was going down, there has
never been a man in history so eager to
escape a girl's bedroom.
The good thing is, Vork dropped the whole Zaboo thing
and rushed home to implement his GEMA strategy.
Stands for Guild Emergency Management Agency.
I'm serious.
I wonder if this is a sign?
The server is trying to tell me something.
Save me, or just get me off the computer.
Or hook me up.
Not with Vork.
God, no.
No, that's not what I meant.
I meant just a--
I mean, I don't know what I meant.
It's just-- ew, that is such a bad visual.

[SNORING]
VORK: Order.
Order.
TINKERBALLA: Ouch.
[SNORING]
ZABOO: Codex, I enjoyed our us time together today.
But only barely.
CODEX: Um, thanks.
ZABOO: She thinks I'm smothering.
She vag'd out on me earlier.
So, I'm giving her what she wants.
Talk to the hand'd.
VORK: My interest in what you're talking
about is low to moderate.
I'd like to bring to order--
TINKERBALLA: Hey, Bladezz.
I got some packages in the mail today.
BLADEZZ: Oh, yeah?
You likey?
TINKERBALLA: Are you deaf?
I wanted the mauve purse.
BLADEZZ: They didn't have mauve.
There was a purply one and a pinky one.
All those woman colors look alike.
CODEX: He's sending you stuff in the mail now?
TINKERBALLA: Shut up, Codex.
ZABOO: I'll never send you stuff.
BLADEZZ: OK, look.
Send it back to me, and I'll get them to exchange it.
TINKERBALLA: Actually, I think I want both now.
Can you arrange that?
Pretty please?
BLADEZZ: Uh, yeah.
Sure, whatevs.
But do you think this time I could give them a real address
instead of a PO box?
TINKERBALLA: No.
And while you're at it, can you throw in a couple more
gift certificates, too?
Thanks, hero.
VORK: No more interruptions.
Don't make me issue citations.
Clara, are you here?
Clara?
CLARA: Go Ravencrest High.
What?
VORK: As you all know, the server is going down, and we
need to formulate a plan to work through
this horrible time.
Together.
TINKERBALLA: Like after 9/11?
VORK: Very similar.
Since this is a fixed window of downtime, I will hold off
on declaring martial law.
CLARA: Declaring what?
VORK: And I've decided to open this up to suggestions as to
how we can spend our time most efficiently.
Like a democracy.
Reminder--
this is not a democracy.
CLARA: Let's go to the Friendridge
Tavern and drink ale.
ZABOO: The server will be down, Clara.
CLARA: What?
No.
It's my me weekend.
I want a orb.
TINKERBALLA: Why are we wasting time on a meeting?
Without the game, there's no Guild.
With no Guild, you are not the Guildmaster, Vork.
You have no power.
VORK: I--
what?
I just--
ZABOO: Wow, low blow'd.
Hey Bladezz?
I'm working on strengthening my core via male bonding.
So why don't you come over here and tear up the house
with Vork and me?
BLADEZZ: Yes.
Bladezz is ready to partay.
I'll have my mom drop me off.
ZABOO: Yeah, have her do it near the Burger
Hut down the street.
It'll go over better that way.
And don't wear any bandanna-type clothing.
Gangsta'd.
You'll get shot.
CLARA: Ooh, I want to come.
I want to come.
Guild party?
Fun.
VORK: No.
Under no circumstances.
Five people in the house?
I don't want the fire marshal here.
No.
CLARA: But I'm super fun at parties.
I used to haze girls at my sorority with bungee cords and
squirt guns full of mayo.
My idea.
ZABOO: Clara, sometimes guys need to be together, and do
deep stuff.
Like bonding and crap.
If we have to have this game IV ripped from our veins, then
we just have to use the time to man up.
This is my task, and I will accomplish it.
CLARA: Fine.
Then we'll do something ladyish without you losers.
Ooh, girls, let's do dinner.
How about somewhere where we can all go to the bathroom
together and pee?
CODEX: Um, I actually have plans.
CLARA: What?
BLADEZZ: What?
VORK: What?
ZABOO: What?
Not that I care.
CODEX: Well, I just--
I want to unpack.
There's so many cute things around here, I don't want to
trip and fall over them again.
Got it?
TINKERBALLA: Oh.
You don't want to stunt, man, your growth.
CLARA: Why don't you just shove things against the wall?
CODEX: But it's a good opportunity to get to know the
new apartment--
people.
TINKERBALLA: She's got to open her box for the neighbor.
CODEX: Right.
No.
Maybe, but--
OK, I'm just logging off.
[PHONE RINGING]
CLARA: Ugh, what now?

[GLASS BREAKING]
ZABOO: Codex, I won't miss you for the four
hours that we are parted.

CLARA: Why would he punch you?
MALE SPEAKER: Because I confronted him about
squeezing your boob.
CLARA: Oh, that.
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah.
And your sister's really upset, too.
Why didn't you tell me that you're her matron of honor?
CLARA: Because frankly, I found it rather rude.
Hello?
Matron?
Anyways, I have to go.
Hearing your voice is making me feel really, really lonely.
Ugh, two minutes of my me time gone.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
CODEX: Oh.

Oh, hi.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, we don't need any.
Thanks.

CODEX: What a d-bag.
Leading me on when he's got a girlfriend?
Grandma was right.
Guys think a woman is just a life support
system for a vagina.
So after I got loomed over by stupid tall hot girl, I ran
home, logged on with Tink and Clara, cried a little.
And then when I was really vulnerable, Clara convinced me
that girls' night was a good idea.
And it is.
Why should the boy Guildies have all the fun?
Screw those men people.
I should let my therapist know I'm reaching out to reinforce
my connection with other women.
FEMALE SPEAKER: --be completed as dialed.
CODEX: Call blocking?
FEMALE SPEAKER: --or call your operator.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

CODEX: Hey.
Wow.
Nice dress.
I thought we were going all casual and man hatey.
TINKERBALLA: I have a date at 7:30.
CODEX: What?
But that's like a half hour from now.
TINKERBALLA: Yeah, I was hoping for some more traffic.
Can you give me a heads-up so I can jet on time?
Thanks.
CODEX: But I made us a low-carb dinner.
I got out my scrapbooking scissors.
TINKERBALLA: Ooh, scrapbooking.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
TINKERBALLA: I'm not getting that.

CODEX: Um, excuse me.
This is a private residence.
I--
this--
wow.
This is my address.
And approximately my face.
MALE SPEAKER: So, where's the brew?
CODEX: I have chamomile tea.
CLARA: Beer incoming.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
CODEX: Clara, did you make this?
CLARA: Yeah.
Sorry I gave you ugly face.
I sketched it on a Gummi high.
Dudes, you made it.
Oh.
CODEX: Oh, thanks very much.
That's--
Clara, do you know these guys?
CLARA: Not a clue.
But the Guild ladies are having fun tonight.
The boys got such a head start on us, they're probably loaded
and having a good old time already.
VORK: And in the third stage of encounter with the spider
lord Goraknesh, it's necessary to station magic users at both
cave entrances.
Zaboo, you're over here.
ZABOO: Dude, why am I a heart?
VORK: Your name begins with a Z. And you are, therefore, the
last to be assigned a symbol.
It was the only one remaining.
ZABOO: The only one?
There's like a million symbols you could have drawn.
Got to think of something manly, like a
trident or a beard.
I mean, come on, man, you're supposed to be supporting me.
VORK: I'm tolerating your presence.
What more do you want?
ZABOO: Well, for one, I'd like to move my bed.
It's hard to wake up to birds doing it.
Kind of gets in my dreams.
VORK: Well, the squab were here first.
Next slide, please.
Now, this is a whole 'nother hobby entirely.
BLADEZZ: All right, Bladezz signed up for man night, not
bickering old fart night.
VORK: Well, pardon me for being goal-oriented.
But I didn't design this evening for leisure.
This is a prime opportunity to refine our
fight strategies offline.
So get your head out of my craw.
BLADEZZ: Better idea.
I'm going to hook up my console, and we're going to
kill things.
And, of course, I'm willing to take a friendly wager or two
on body counts.
ZABOO: Yeah, now we're talking.
Testosterone'd.

BLADEZZ: Man, these jacks back here are all--
jacked.
ZABOO: Yes.
It's all black and white.
What the--
BLADEZZ: Black and white?
No way.
Oh, whoa.
ZABOO: How do you think they got the color out of it?
VORK: It has antenna capability, which is the most
important thing.
That'll come in handy during nuclear
fallout, or a race war.
BLADEZZ: All right.
So no console.
What do we do now?
Oh, wait.
Lookie here.
I've got some cards.
You want to macho it up?
Let's play some poker.
ZABOO: Sure.
What site do you want to log on?
BLADEZZ: No, like real cards.
Like actual paper.
Hello?
VORK: What's the advantage of that?
The interface is better online.
It's cleaner.
We don't have to look at each other.
ZABOO: Ditto'd.

BLADEZZ: All right, I'll be right back.

TINKERBALLA: Clara, you jostled my trackpad finger.
CODEX: Hi, nice to meet you.
Yes, that's--
Clara, I don't know these people.
CLARA: That's the point of the party.
Duh.
So you could get your mind off the stunt guy spitting you out
like a cheap piece of gristle.
And, you get to meet your new neighbors, like the ones from
the restaurant next door.
Enrique, Jared, this is Codex.
CODEX: Hi.
JARED: Hello.
CODEX: Hola.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Hi.
CODEX: Clara, how many fliers did you hand out?
CLARA: Hundreds, and a spambot newsletter.
Listen, I haven't been out without a kid on my boob in
the past three years.
So let's take this, and make it crazy.
Right, Tink?
Oh, this is going to be awesome.
TINKERBALLA: Sure, for the next 10 and 1/2 minutes.
Partay.

ZABOO: This is a great party, man.
I'm sorry I insulted your squab earlier.
This place is way more fun to crash at than at Codex's.
A lot less tears.
Hey, maybe I could start cleaning up the guest room by
auctioning all that stuff off online.
I could have my own room by 2012.
Oh, man.
VORK: Money?
From articles I get for free?

I like you.
ZABOO: Dude.
What happened to the network?

VORK: I lost my connection, too.
What the?
Where's Bladezz?
ZABOO: Uh-oh.
VORK: Bladezz!

CODEX: These are cheese toast spellbooks.
That's cream cheese spread.
The basil represents a life bar.
And the cookies I cut out in the shape of weapons.
That's a mace.

TINKERBALLA: Cool.
Give me one of these frosted broadswords.
CODEX: Hey, you know what?
Clara's right, the party is working.
I haven't thought about Wade all night.
Except just now.
Damn it.
Well, at least I'm not depressed.
I'm too busy worrying about strangers going through my
medicine cabinet.
TINKERBALLA: Relax.
All the good stuff's gone anyway.
CODEX: Oh my god.
The stunt guy's here.
And he's with the stupid tall hot girl.
TINKERBALLA: Uh.
CODEX: I'm sorry, did I spit on you?

I've never felt comfortable at parties.
I just don't enjoy meeting people.
Well, meaning strangers.
I guess strangers are technically people, too.
I mean people I'll never see again.
Or at least I hope I won't, after I develop a
crush on one of them.
And then they turn out to be jerks, and then they show up
to my party uninvited.
Or accidentally invited by my crazy drunken Guildmate.
Whatever.
I'm certainly not giving them any of my
healing potion punch.
Maybe this is the reason I don't have a lot of friends.
Huh.
VORK: You got the neighbor to encrypt his wireless?
BLADEZZ: Yeah.
It was easy sauce.
The guy let me right in.
He was acting really out of it, too.
He kept calling me Betty, and asked me if the
muffins were cool.
VORK: Bladezz, that was my lifeline.
Oh, phantom limb pain.
BLADEZZ: Look, guys.
All I'm saying is, let's get some offline action.
Now look, I got the password, and you can have it.
Before I go home.
ZABOO: Well, just look at it this way.
At least the connection will be better.
Less lag.
VORK: Don't justify his heinous activity.
This is domestic terrorism.
You're going to Vorktanamo Bay.
BLADEZZ: What?
ZABOO: What?
All right, Vork, come on.
Chillax, man.
VORK: Fine.
But for the record, I refuse to enjoy myself.
BLADEZZ: Great.
So, what do you guys want to play?
We got Texas Hold 'Em, five-card stud.
ZABOO: Stud.
Stud.
Totally stud.
Studly studs.
Stud'd.
CODEX: That's him.
With his ginormous hot chick girlfriend.
TINKERBALLA: He's Asian?
And hot?
That makes you more interesting.
CODEX: He's got some nerve, bringing that girl here, who
he prefers over me.
[CLARA LAUGHS]

CLARA: Hey.
CODEX: Clara, the stunt guy is here.
He's in the doorway.
CLARA: That anus face.
I'll show him to reject my best friend
in the entire world.
Let me at him.
Oh, he's smoking.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Ooh, body shots.
CLARA: I'm there.
RILEY: Hey, your party, right?
I'm Riley.
I think you tried to sell me something earlier.
CODEX: Oh, Riley.
That's the name of one of my alt characters.
Cuts deep.
RILEY: Yeah, Wade said you were a gamer.
That's bitchin'.
CODEX: Yeah.
His roommate's a gamer, too, right?
RILEY: I'm his roommate.
So, yeah.
CODEX: Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Stupid.
Ow.
Oh, I thought you were his girlfriend.
RILEY: Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.
Just roommate.
And occasional [BLEEP]
buddy, of course, but mostly roommate.
CODEX: That I did not see coming.
RILEY: It's so hot to meet another girl who games.
That's tight.
What games do you play?
CODEX: You know, role-playing games, mostly.
RILEY: Oh.
I'm an FPS girl.
Halo.
Boom, head shots.
I'm ranked and stuff.
It's truth.
CODEX: Well, I kill stuff, too.
It's just, I wear prettier outfits.
RILEY: Cool.

I'm going to grab a drink.

BLADEZZ: All right.
Each candy is $1.00.
One real dollar that you pay up at the end of the game.
VORK: $1?
This pile alone exceeds my net worth after capital gains.
ZABOO: I think I just ate $10.
BLADEZZ: OK, guys, I thought this was men's night, not
little girls' panties night.
VORK: 96 minutes 'til the server's up.
96 minutes 'til the server's up.
96 minutes 'til the server's up.
BLADEZZ: OK, look.
Look.
Look.
$0.50 a bean, I'm OK with that.
Let's just get started.

ZABOO: Yeah, I'm detecting magic.
BLADEZZ: Sack up or pack up, ladies.

VORK: Just deal.
CLARA: Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
Chug.
CODEX: Hey, Wade is single.
Stupid tall hot girl is just a roommate f-buddy.
CLARA: Fantastic.
Go tear his pants off.
TINKERBALLA: Codex, did you know stunt guy did motion
capture for our game?
CODEX: What?
Really?
TINKERBALLA: When an elf swings a
two-hander, that's him.
CLARA: Oh my god, could it get any hotter?
And the roommate, she's just an f-buddy.
TINKERBALLA: It's meant to be.
CODEX: But I can't approach him alone.
I don't solo well.
CLARA: We could be your wing women.
We'll sell you good.
Right, Tink?
CODEX: Well, she has to go.
TINKERBALLA: No, screw it.
This is more interesting.
CODEX: I thought you had a date.
TINKERBALLA: Not anymore, I don't.
CODEX: Really?
OK, yes.
We're going to do this.
I'm sweating.
CLARA: Let's go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

VORK: Three of a kind, I believe.
BLADEZZ: F that.
How'd you beat me?
You have the street smarts of a cartoon princess.
VORK: I simply play the odds.
When I surmised you were going for a straight that included a
four, I noticed that I had three of
those fours in my hand.
Which means the probability of you achieving that straight
with that four was 1.8%.
BLADEZZ: OMG, seriously?
I'm supposed to be the ringer here.
I'm out.
VORK: But I was just getting to a
portfolio level of winning.
BLADEZZ: I have no money.
I maxed out all of my mom's credit cards buying stupid
crap for Tink.
ZABOO: You can charge gorgon ears for the orb quest?
BLADEZZ: No, like real crap.
Like purses and tuition and hockey tickets.
That's why I'm playing this game in the first place.
Oh, darn, I'm so going to military school next year.
VORK: Women.
Can't live with them.
They will not go out with me.
I'd be happy to log on immediately and act as a
mediator between the two of you, in order to reacquire the
objects in question.
Give me the password.
ZABOO: Hey, actually Clara's hanging out
with Tink right now.
It says on her status update, Tink and me playing wing women
at Codex's.
Going to get her laid.

Whoa, wait a second.
Get who laid?
Codex?
But I'm not even over there.
What does that mean?
VORK: Trouble.
When I visited Codex today, she was interacting with
another male.
It was akin to a mating ritual.
Had they been baboons, her nether regions would have been
slightly swollen and ruby red.
BLADEZZ: She's partying already?
Well, that has to hurt.
ZABOO: Holy crap'd.
Someone's mining my ore.
We've got to get over there right now.
You're driving.
VORK: I don't want to.
BLADEZZ: Password.
VORK: Why are we still talking?

WADE: Yeah, I put some of my stunts online.
That video with my arm on fire has like 500 hits.
Practically viral.

TINKERBALLA: Let's cut to it.
She's doable, right?
CODEX: Um, wait.
What?
CLARA: All her ex-boyfriends were gay, so
she's probably a virgin.
At least with a few positions.
TINKERBALLA: I'd do her.
Not really.
CODEX: Um, hey.
You guys, put the brakes on it.
I'm sorry, my friend has had a lot to drink.
And the other one's just kind of rude.
WADE: No problem.
I'm used to taking a pounding from all sides.
But I give as good as I get.
TINKERBALLA: Ooh.
See?
Cheesy double entendre.
He's into you.
CLARA: Yeah, and nerd girls are easy.
You could basically ignore her.
A little attention goes a long way with this one.
So, let's cut to the chase.
When are we going to arrange the humpity-bumpity?
CODEX: Clara.
Oh, OK, forget it.
You guys clearly don't have the social skills
to make this work.
And quite frankly, neither do I. So I could--
WADE: Make what work?
CODEX: I'm sorry.
My friends clearly are trying to hook us up.
It's because I told them that I thought you were attractive
in an objective kind of way.
And it was only because we were conversing
a couple days ago.
Which I thought was good.
I thought it was a sign.
And then I vomited on you, which was not good.
And I thought that was a sign.
And then I just went, and then I saw you.
And then I just--
I think I might have to go, too.
I hate people.

TINKERBALLA: I canceled my date for that?

CLARA: So, stunt guy.
That's cool.
Have you ever touched Chuck Norris?
WADE: Um.

CODEX: I just owned myself at my own party.
Which I didn't want, nor organize.
But still, it's just--
I don't know what my problem is.
It's like there's another person living inside me who
has a personal vendetta against me.
And who can make my mouth move.
WADE: Another online appointment, Red?
CODEX: Um.
WADE: Your blonde friend's doing handstands on your
coffee table.
CODEX: It's OK.
She's limber.
WADE: Don't cry.
Your eyes are your prettiest feature.
Yeah, definitely.
CODEX: Did you really do motion capture for The Game?

VORK: Hmm.
Who knew Codex had so many friends?
This is how the Black Plague started.
CLARA: Hey, Guildies.
ZABOO: Clara, I just read your status update.
Why are you trying to get Codex laid?
BLADEZZ: Yeah, she's our priest.
Don't corrupt her.
Or at least do it with another chick, and
somewhere I can watch.
CLARA: Don't worry, she put her foot way up in her mouth
and tanked it.
Going to have to scrape her off the carpet
with a butter knife.
ZABOO: Oh, my love.
I will comfort you.
VORK: I'm glad I had cause to visit this
location earlier today.
Had I not already familiarized myself with local landmarks,
I'd be completely in the dark.
CLARA: Yeah.
That wouldn't be unusual for you.
VORK: Excuse me?
CLARA: Um, free food over there.
So is this your first crazy party?
BLADEZZ: Pfft, no.
Bladezz gets invited to all the keggers.
CLARA: Yeah, I remember my first boozefest.
It was wild.
I did a lot of stuff I had to live down later.
I almost got kicked out of the fifth grade.
BLADEZZ: I believe I have just spotted my ride.
CLARA: Stay here.

Ah.
ZABOO: Useless to me.
Have you seen Codex?
Nothing?
Argh.

BLADEZZ: Yo, strawberry daiquiri.
TINKERBALLA: Make that a virgin.
BLADEZZ: Oh, OK.
If that's what turns you on, I can fake it.
I have been taking acting classes.
TINKERBALLA: Gross.
What are you doing here?
Dropping off the keys to that scooter I wanted?
BLADEZZ: Listen, I really got to cut back
the spending a bit.
I'm kind of tapped out right now.
But I did get the orb stuff you wanted.
I sent that to you.
TINKERBALLA: Cool.
So we're done here.
Don't ever message me again.
BLADEZZ: What?
I sent you everything you wanted.
You owe me naked time.
TINKERBALLA: Bladezz, just consider this
a little life lesson.
Some boring girls are going to come in your life and give you
everything you want.
And then some more interesting ones will come along, and take
everything you own.
I'm the taking kind.
Just be glad you're young, and you don't own a lot of stuff.
BLADEZZ: How can you be such a biatch?
TINKERBALLA: My hard exterior masks a soft, nougaty center.
BLADEZZ: All right.
OK.
I respect the ownage.
After all, I am the master.
But do you think I can have the airline voucher back?
I can't really pay for that, or any of the
other stuff I got you.
TINKERBALLA: Bladezz, if I did that, it wouldn't be a lesson.

ZABOO: Hey, you.
Sir, remove your tongue from my woman.
CODEX: Zaboo?
What the hell?
I thought you were at Vork's, running a men's training camp.
ZABOO: Yeah, well I thought you were not making out with
other guys.
I guess we're both ill-informed.
WADE: Little dude, the lady would like to be here with
only one man.
And that man's definitely me.
ZABOO: Correction.
The lady is on layaway from me.
CODEX: Both of you, stop referring to me as "the lady."
ZABOO: OK, I know what men do in this situation.
I challenge you.
I'll see you yonder.
And by yonder, I just mean outside, for fighting.
CODEX: Zaboo, not a good idea.
WADE: I can't promise I won't break anything of yours.
[KNUCKLES POP]
Or his.

ZABOO: Pardon me.
Excuse me.
Clear out here.
There's a fight.

CODEX: Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Zaboo, you do not want to do this.
ZABOO: My love, I was defaced in your eyes, man-wise.
And I get it.
I was not there in your need for sexual intercourse.
But I need to avenge myself.
Don't worry, I won't hurt him with my newly-cut man muscles.
They are razor sharp.
CLARA: Fight.
Fight.
Fight.
ZABOO: Fight.
Fight.
Fight.
Fight.
CLARA: I know, right?
I can't believe you're going to take on the stunt guy.
Oh my gosh, this is the best party since my senior prom,
when I accidentally set my date on fire, and had to pee
on him to put him out.
We got married.
ZABOO: Yeah.
I--
a stunt guy?
CLARA: Yeah.
ZABOO: Oh, so those are abs.
CLARA: Yeah, they are.
ZABOO: Oh.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Guys, I need your help.
VORK: Hmm.
BLADEZZ: Hmm.
ZABOO: Listen, I just challenged that guy over there
to a duel over Codex.
And it turns out he's a real-life stunt guy.
Yeah, he ripped off his shirt, and it's just very clear that
he's been lifting mustard for way longer than I have.
BLADEZZ: Stunt guy versus Zaboo?
You're going to get your brains handed to
you in a paper bag.
ZABOO: Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence, dude.
That helps.
No, no.
Listen, I can do this.
I fight stuff every day.
I'm a man.
I'm the man.
I'm Shiva.
Shiva'd.
Six Arms.
VORK: OK.
Not to quash your enthusiasm--
BLADEZZ: No, do it.
Quash away.
VORK: I don't see your game acumen
translating to this situation.
For one, you play a spell caster.
But as a real-life human, you have no usable mana bar.
It's merely just an invention of the genre.
However, the gaming life bar could be analogous to your
body's blood content.
Conceivably, you could lose all that in a quantifiable
manner as a result of a pummeling.
He's clearly the fighter class.
BLADEZZ: What Vork said.
You're going to bleed.
WADE: We doing this or what?
ZABOO: Yeah.
See, I think there was a misunderstanding.
I'm not really a melee class, so--
CLARA: Oh, come on, Zaboo.
Your mom has a mean right hook.
It's got to run in the family.
ZABOO: Huh?
Ah.

CODEX: Zaboo is like a genie you can't shove
back into the bottle.
I mean, he shows up everywhere.
Bad timing's an understatement.
So I'm in my apartment, and two guys are about to
go at it over me.
And why am I feeling so incredibly flattered?
I'm terrible.
It was awesome.
I feel so guilty.

ZABOO: Uh.

Uh.
Not that I mind, but what the--
WADE: Got to recalibrate.
I'm too used to pulling punches for the camera.
ZABOO: No, you don't got to recalibrate.
Ow.
That was a good recalibration.
Ah.
CLARA: Go, Zaboo.
Oh my gosh.
I've never been into blood and revenge before, but since I
started tooling around as TeatsForTots, I'm like rabid
for ass-kicking.
VORK: TeatsForTots?
That's the toon who's been ganking me for a week.
CLARA: Uh-oh.
ZABOO: Uh, anybody?
Fighter?
Healer?
Anything?
Ah, Jesus.
WADE: Come on, little dude.
This is a fight, not whack-a-mole.
ZABOO: OK, I'm ready.
Ooh.
I'm doing this for you, my love.
I have the power.
Ow.
God, what do you have, a metal chest?
WADE: Come on.
What kind of punch is that?
ZABOO: Oh, my thumb.
WADE: The thumb goes on the outside.
See?
ZABOO: On the outside.
OK, that's a good tip.
See, my dad was a pacifist.
Ow.
Come on.
I thought we were sharing a moment, man.
VORK: Clara?
You're the one who's been tormenting me for days?
CLARA: With good reason.
You robbed me of that orb.
VORK: I'm horrified.
I've dedicated my life to the well-being of my
Guild and its members.
To be subject to this kind of betrayal from one of my own?
Ugh.
Now I know how King Arthur felt when Lancelot caressed
his wife's genitalia.
Oh, excuse me.

CODEX: Stop it, you guys.
Just stop it.
Just-- oh my god.
I'm going to just shut up and be really still for a second.
VORK: Codex, are you aware that Clara's been stalking and
murdering me for a week?
CODEX: Vork, I'm kind of busy right now.
VORK: Whatever.
ZABOO: All right, buddy.
Get prepared for the wrath of the Hindu gods.
Yargh.
Oh.
OK, so that was my one move.
That didn't work out so well.
VORK: I can't believe the betrayal.
Am I really that bad?
I've never thought of myself as a bad man.
Sure, there was that night I spent at the Hitler Youth camp
by accident.
Is it me?
Is it her?
I'm having a crisis of spirit here.
BLADEZZ: Dude, don't be sad.
Get even.

ZABOO: Help.
Help.
Help.

Yah.
Oof.
Ow.
Yeah, rub it in.
That's great.
Oh, you're cool.
Hey, I recognize that last move.
CODEX: He did motion capture for The Game.
ZABOO: Wait, what?
The Game?
Oh wait, that was totally a fire gladiator move.
WADE: Yeah.
I also did the zombie monks.
ZABOO: Oh, cool.
CODEX: See, you can't win.
Those zombie monks always own you.
WADE: She's right.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
VORK: Why, Clara?
Why?

Aw.

RILEY: The little one's kind of cute.
I have a thing for underdogs.
CODEX: Dude.
ZABOO: I still can't get over it, man.
You're like the zombie monk.
You know, I totally bought that you were dead, but
infused with lich aura.
Lich'd.
WADE: Thanks, man.
I did a lot of character work on that one.
ZABOO: Yeah?
WADE: Check this out.
ZABOO: OK.
Oof.
Ugh.
Yeah, that was money.
Spot on.
Ow.
WADE: Used that one in that movie
Shapeshifter High last year.
ZABOO: Oh, really?
WADE: Graduation scene.
Fourth were-tiger to the right.
ZABOO: Yeah, I love that movie.
CODEX: Um, don't keep fighting over me, you guys.
I'm totally not worth it.
WADE: She's got a point.
She's really not worth it.
ZABOO: Well, there I'm going to have to respectfully
disagree with you.
Codex is a fine prize of a woman.
And if you'd like to withdraw your claim, I will accept it.

WADE: I'm cool.
[APPLAUSE]
CODEX: What?
ZABOO: Cool, man.
Well, it was really fun doing man moves with you.
Bonded.
Yeah.
WADE: You got to look at the elbow.
Never miss.
ZABOO: Really?
You're awesome.
WADE: Nothing personal.
The little guy's got spunk.
Anyway, I usually get paid for this.
CODEX: But--
WADE: See you around, Red.
ZABOO: He's nice.
Well, I'm sure you're sufficiently aroused by now.
So if we have a little time before the server kicks back
on, maybe we could--
brrl.
CODEX: Into the bedroom, right now.
ZABOO: Finally.

Ooh.
Good thing I got here in time.
I didn't know that feeding you all that herbal lady Viagra
would have you rolling around with every
neighborhood hotshot.
CODEX: You were feeding me what?
ZABOO: Oh, they were rainforest herbs.
Organic'd.
CODEX: Did it ever occur to you that I'm just not
interested in you?
ZABOO: Yeah, but I thought you said that if I leveled up, I
could be with you.
CODEX: I just told you that so you'd move out.
Look, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that in a way that
you might understand.
What that would entail outside of a frontal
lobotomy, I have no idea.
But I'm sorry.
I still like you as a friend.
ZABOO: Oh, I've heard this speech a million times before.
Oh Zaboo, I'm married.
Zaboo, I'm in San Quentin.
Zaboo, I'm your imaginary friend.
I mean, are there no open and available
women on the internet?
CODEX: Maybe.
But I guess I'm just not one of them.
ZABOO: Oh.
OK.
I'm not going to cry, because I'm a tough man now.
You know, I thought it was different with you than those
other ladies.
Because I didn't care what you looked like, you know?
I fell for you before I even saw your face.
But I will honor your wishes, and leave this quest line
unfinished.

Guess my princess is in another castle.

CODEX: Finally broke it off with Zaboo.
Ugh, life was so much easier before we met each other.
TINKERBALLA: Preaching to the choir.

VORK: Server's up now.
TINKERBALLA: Sweet.
VORK: But what's the point?
The Guild moral core is broken, kaput.
The Knights of Good should be renamed the Knaves of
Hooliganism.
TINKERBALLA: What the hell?
My character isn't showing up on the login screen.
CODEX: Try re-logging.
TINKERBALLA: I did.
Where am I?
VORK: Bladezz was using that laptop earlier.
TINKERBALLA: What?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's gone.
He deleted my character.
Two years of my life, my gold, my reputation points.
I don't exist anymore.
VORK: Hooliganism.

CODEX: Clara.
CLARA: Stunt guy.

CODEX: I am so glad I didn't drop my loot for you.
WADE: Ow.

[MUSIC PLAYING]