Kevin Smith & Ralph Garman: Hollywood Babble-On 8/4/12

NARRATOR: It's Hollywood Babble-On with your hosts,
Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman.
KEVIN: Phew.
It is Saturday night in Hollywood.
So let's babble the [BEEP]
on.
I'm Kevin Smith.
RALPH: I'm Ralph Garman.
[CHEERS]
RALPH: I believe you had a birthday while we were gone.
Didn't you?
KEVIN: I did, I did, yes.

I turned 42 last week.
As we all know, that's the answer to life, the universe,
and everything.
Aww!
RALPH: So we got you a little cake and--
KEVIN: Don't sing the birthday song, because we'll have to
cut it out.
It's very expensive.
RALPH: Yeah, we can't afford it.
So--
KEVIN: Sing a variation.
Here's a song-- (SINGING) Birthday,
birthday, fat boy, yay!
There it is.
RALPH: Everyone, sing that song.
Birthday, birthday, fat boy, yay, on three.
One, two, three.
EVERYONE (SINGING): Birthday, birthday, fat boy, yay!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
RALPH: There you go.
Well done, sir.
Happy birthday.
KEVIN: Thank you.
RALPH: It's time to look at all the news that's happened
in the entertainment world over the past week--
a segment we call the HBO headlines.
Samuel L Jackson is watching the Olympics.
You know how I know this?
Because he won't stop [BEEP]
tweeting about it.
If you've been following him on Twitter all, his tweets
have been awesome.
Let me read some of them for you-- "OK, getting that
mother-Olympic-[BEEP]
fever."
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: "Go Team USA," was his first tweet as
he sat down to watch.
"Who y'all got for that badminton gold?
I'm hearing Malaysia might be bringing
badminton noise." [LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: Is this a real account?
RALPH: This is really his account.
This is verified.
These are his actual tweets.
"South Korea has a blind archer.
What the [BEEP]?" Next tweet. "All right, who's knows the
rules in this
handball shit?" [LAUGHTER]
RALPH: And my favorite is the last one here.
"Told y'all, ladies weightlifting drama.
Little babes picking up
heavy shit." [LAUGHTER]
RALPH: That's Samuel L Jackson reporting from the
Olympics this week.
Kim Kardashian, what're the odds she's in the news?
CROWD: Porn star!
RALPH: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Porn star Kim Kardashian's in the news.
Kim announced this week that her little half sisters
Kendall and Kylie are getting their own reality show.
Kendall is 16.
Kylie is 14.
They're getting their own TV show.
KEVIN: I mean, not for nothing, but how [BEEP]
interesting is the life of a 14-year-old?
RALPH: Ah, ah, you would guess that.
You would say that.
I would tell you, sir, that she did an interview with
Seventeen magazine--
which she's not even old enough to read.
[LAUGHTER]
First of all.
Here's what she told Seventeen magazine.
We go on a lot of adventures.
KEVIN: OK, like what?
RALPH: We do crazy stuff.
KEVIN: OK, like what?
RALPH: We will kidnap one of our friends or get a group
together and go to Disneyland.
Now I'm on board.
Now that I know they're living those kind of lives.
KEVIN: I've got to tell you, man.
If that's the [BEEP]
show at 14 years old, my 14-year-old show would have
been far more interesting, and all I was
doing was jerking off.
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: A lot.
But [? fuck ?] it.
You could tune in.
That's cheap to shoot.
No score or nothing.
Just quietly, of me just like--
like talking to it, like come fast.
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: I love you, shit like that.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: While we're talking about x-rated films, Fred
Willard lost his second job, now that he's been arrested
for lewd conduct.
KEVIN: Oh, come on, man.
How old is [BEEP]
Fred Willard?
RALPH: Fred Willard is 72.
KEVIN: God damnit, let him jerk off in a movie
theater if he wants.
He's fucking 72.
RALPH: And here's the thing-- he wasn't jerking off
at Ice Age 4, OK?
KEVIN: Yes, exactly.
RALPH: He was in Tiki, for [BEEP]
sake.
It is a porno theater.
What the [BEEP]
are you supposed to do in the Tiki?
KEVIN: Somebody's got to pull him aside, though, and have a
conversation about, uh, Fred, there's this
thing called the Internet.
RALPH: Well, he's 72.
Maybe he doesn't understand.
KEVIN: Phew.
It would change his life, dude, literally, to be like--
if you open up this box, you can jerk off to things you've
never even imagined.
RALPH: Well, here's the thing.
Fred's thing may be--
KEVIN: Public masturbation.
RALPH: That's what I'm thinking.
KEVIN: I'm the opposite.
I'm so ashamed of my dick, I don't even take
it out in the bathroom.
I'm like, I cover it up with four layers.
This guy's the opposite.
He's like--
RALPH: Well, ideally, in a theater like that, no one's
really focusing on your--
what's going on with you.
They're all watching the screen.
They're watching the action.
KEVIN: Oh, bullshit.
I'd be there [BEEP]
just looking around, man.
That's it.
RALPH: That's why you're not welcome.
KEVIN: That's a
people-watching place right there.
And plus, you get to see, like, people and
their style and shit.
Like, think about--
RALPH: Their style?
KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, man.
Think about, like how in terms, you jerk off.
You know one way to jerk off.
But like everyone must have a different way.
It goes back to that, like, how do know what you're blue
is my blue?
You could literally watch, like, eight different styles
of jerking off and be like, ooh, I'm going to borrow a
little bit of this.
I never thought of a Dutch flip or something like that.
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: He grabs this way--
RALPH: A Dutch flip?
KEVIN: And under-tugs.
RALPH: See, that's what I'm thinking--
I'm guessing they're all pretty much the same, Kevin.
I don't think anyone's reinventing the wheel when it
comes to jerking off.
KEVIN: I don't know, I think--
RALPH: This guy does it with his knees, somehow.
I don't know how he does it, but it's hands-free
action going on.
KEVIN: Oh, that would be amazing.
RALPH: Here's someone who wants to entertain us.
Lindsay Lohan's making a new movie called The Canyons.
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: Oh god, she's doing an octo-mom type porn?
RALPH: She has a nude scene in the film.
This is a full-blown frontal nudity scene.
CROWD: Yeah!
RALPH: (MOCKING) Yeah.
Hand check-- keep them above the table, sir, please, for
those you're sitting next to.
KEVIN: That was a shit-ton of enthusiasm,
like, (SLEAZY) yeah.
RALPH: That was Fred Willard in the
audience there for a second.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: Yeah.
So in order to make herself more comfortable, she insisted
the entire crew she was working with, of 10 men, strip
down to their underwear.
KEVIN: It would be a weird thing to be like, I want dudes
to strip down to their underwear.
Because, like, if she's naked, what if a dude
gets a boner and shit.
And right there, you're like, eww, I see his [BEEP]
boner.
And I'd be like, you told me to take my pants off.
You all heard her!
RALPH: Did you every think you'd hear these three words--
Professor Arnold Schwarzenegger?
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: Arnold Schwarzenegger has put up $20 million of his
own money to start a think tank at USC here in Southern
California.
It's called the USC-Schwarzenegger Institute
for State and Global Policy.
Starting in December, Professor Schwarzenegger will
be giving undergrads lectures on state and world politics.
KEVIN: I mean, he was governor.
RALPH: Yeah, and a hell of a job he did, too.
(SCHWARZENEGGER VOICE) Ah, lesson learned, running a
state into the [BEEP]
ground.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: Everyone open your textbooks to [BEEP]
California, the first chapter.
[LAUGHTER]
Uh, in the syllabus, you'll also see--
laughing about [BEEP]
over a state when you leave and go back to making movies.
Then, later in the course, we'll talk about
impregnating maids.
Every week, we say goodbye to some people in show business
who left us too soon.
And we like to give them a little compliment on their
lives and careers in the segment we
call Tinseltown stiffs.
Tony Martin, a big singer and star of Broadway musicals
passed away at the age of 98.
This guy was a big, big star.
And no one knows who he is today.
KEVIN: I was just going to say, I don't know who that is.
RALPH: He was like Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra famous
in the '30s, '40s, and '50s.
Starred with Judy Garland, Betty Grable was married to
Cyd Charisse for his whole life.
KEVIN: So wait, when did she pass away?
RALPH: 2008.
KEVIN: So four years he went without her.
RALPH: So he was 94 when she passed away.
Do you think he was getting, like, a lot of young trim?
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: And he's like, you know how you keep a
marriage going 60 years?
Side pussy.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: Before we say goodnight folks, there is a musical
question we like to ask at the end of each and every
Hollywood Babble-On.
How big is Liam Neeson's cock?
Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
CROWD: How big is it?
RALPH: Bane uses his urethra as a prison.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
CROWD: How big is it?
RALPH: He needs to lube up just to [BEEP]
with your emotions.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
CROWD: How big is it?
RALPH: If anyone can ride it for a full eight seconds, they
get a trophy, belt buckle, and a new pickup truck.

Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
CROWD: How big is it?
RALPH: It graduated a year ahead of him in high school.
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: Oh, that's smart.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
CROWD: How big is it?
RALPH: Angela Lansbury taps his knob three times and gives
it a quarter-turn to the left when she
wants to go to Naboombu.
[LAUGHTER]
RALPH: I knew you would love that one.
KEVIN: That's obscure, man.
That's a fucking Bedknobs and Broomsticks joke.
Oh, my hat's off to that guy.
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: Cock, take us to the isle of Naboombu.
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN: [SINGING]
Three kids holding onto a giant dick.
RALPH: Haven't we all, at some point in the evening, settled
for a bag of crack?
MALE SPEAKER: You are interested in DTF?
FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know what DTF is.
MALE SPEAKER: You're interested.
MALE SPEAKER: [RAPPING VERY FAST]