K-LOL: Cute Animals & Exploited Hipster Girls


Uploaded by LOUD on 16.08.2012

Transcript:
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ELIZA SKINNER: Hello, I'm Eliza Skinner and this is
K-LOL, the internet's local news.
Jordan Morris is away on assignment, so I get
to steal his job.
I mean, take over his job forever.
Ah, sorry.
Murder him.
Why am I saying this?
I'm filling in.
Breaking news--
the internet loves animals.
There are currently almost four million cat videos on
YouTube, making cats the internet's
second favorite pussy.
This week, the internet's cute meter was overloaded by photos
of a newborn baby gorilla reacting to a cold
stethoscope.
It was revealed that the photos were taken in 1999, and
the gorilla is now fully grown.
So instead of a cute baby, it's now a full-on GILF.
That gorilla is a cougar, right?
Gorillas and cougars?
Jungles?
Hey.
OK.
OK, this week is shark week on Discovery Channel.
And to celebrate, they've released this viral video of
adorable pets dressed like sharks.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ELIZA SKINNER: We thought we'd do one better and introduce a
baby puppy to an actual shark.

Jesus!
No!
No, no, we got to cut away from-- whoops, I forgot.
That segment got canceled.
And not because anything got dead.
Recently the internet has gone wild for Lil Bub, who many are
saying is the cutest cat on the internet.

We were worried that Lil Bub might not be able to hold the
attention span of 'tweens, so we've created Lil Bub Step.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ELIZA SKINNER: As I mentioned at the top of the show, Jordan
was away on an investigative assignment this week.
We now bring you the results in this thrilling expose.
JORDAN MORRIS: Etsy.com has become the premier destination
for precious handicrafts.
When you buy from them, you assume you're buying from a
creative, passionate hobbyist.
But we found out that isn't always the case, when we took
a peek behind the adorable handmade curtain.
I'm here with Brooke Perrin, a.k.a Princess Red Velvet,
who's one of Etsy's top sellers.
BROOKE PERRIN: Yep.
Great to be here.
JORDAN MORRIS: So you make some of Etsy's
most popular products--
the flask with a mustache, the crocheted cellphone cover, and
of course the throw pillow shaped like classic 8-bit
video game characters.
BROOKE PERRIN: Yeah, I'm also working on a cupcake pan with
holes that are shaped like little dolphins.
JORDAN MORRIS: So tell me, do you make all this yourself?
BROOKE PERRIN: Oh yes.
I have a little workspace in my studio apartment, and I
just slave away all day.
Sometimes I take breaks.
I just sing Motown songs into my hairbrush.
JORDAN MORRIS: Brooke claimed her products were homegrown,
but our hidden cameras captured something different,
something you might call a sw-Etsy shop.
BROOKE PERRIN: Hi, doll-face.
What are you working on?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Finger puppets of baby animals.
Have you ever seen a panda kiss a rabbit?
BROOKE PERRIN: I've seen cuter [BLEEP]
in my toilet!
What's this?
FEMALE SPEAKER: [WHISPERING].
BROOKE PERRIN: I'm sorry, what?
Where are the feathers?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Nowhere.
BROOKE PERRIN: Have you put any on here?
No, because you're an idiot!
Everyone, add feathers!
The assholes who buy this [BLEEP]
love feathers!
What is that?
FEMALE SPEAKER: It's a hook that you can
hang your keys on.
BROOKE PERRIN: God damn it!
This right here goes against everything Etsy is about.
OK, this is purely functional without being adorable.
Add some googly eyes, for Christ's sakes!
FEMALE SPEAKER: It took me an hour.
BROOKE PERRIN: I don't [BLEEP]
care.
That's it, you're all working overtime.
We are canceling Wes Anderson movie night.
Yeah, cry about it.
JORDAN MORRIS: We showed Brooke the damnable footage,
and this is what she had to say.
BROOKE PERRIN: That's not me.
Can't--
you can't prove that that is me.
That is clearly Zoe Deschanel in a wig, any
idiot could see that.
JORDAN MORRIS: You ma'am, are despicable.
BROOKE PERRIN: I'm not despicable.
You're despicable!
JORDAN MORRIS: What?
Is there something going on?
BROOKE PERRIN: Uh huh.
JORDAN MORRIS: Do you want to go out sometime?
BROOKE PERRIN: Oh yes, let's!
I will warn you though, I'm a handful.
JORDAN MORRIS: Yeah, I figured.
That's great.
ELIZA SKINNER: Jordan Morris.
Good luck, buddy, not going to happen.
A video went viral this week of a dog who's been trained to
bring his owner beer.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Beer me.
Good boy, did you shut the door?
ELIZA SKINNER: Personally, I find it irresponsible that a
pet owner would use their animal to further
their own bad habit.
Oh, hi, kitty.
What are you doing here?
No, no, no, kitty, I told you, mama can't spend another
weekend on the couch watching Tim and Eric, OK?
I don't do that!
Bad kitty, bad.
We now bring back one of our favorite segments, News From
Cute Animals.
I've got a really good feeling about our
new cute animal reporters.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
ELIZA SKINNER: Ugh!
Why are you cute animals such a god damn bummer?
Get your [BLEEP]
resumes together, baby ducks, because you're fired.
That's it from us.
We now leave you with this super cut of cats being
complete idiots.
I gotta go get high.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BROOKE PERRIN: Great to be here.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yes.
JORDAN MORRIS: You are interested in DTF?
FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know what DTF is.
JORDAN MORRIS: You're interested.
MALE SPEAKER: I guess it's out of habit, cause it doesn't
itch I fidget, and I'm switching my position so my
weight is on my left butt cheek.
Pissed cause I know my stupid phone is going to ring again
and I want to--
MALE SPEAKER: Haven't we all, at some point in the evening,
settled for a bag of crack?