Never Mind the Buzzcocks S23E11 + ENG & RUS SUBS


Uploaded by SallyDiamonds on 02.10.2012

Transcript:
Hello.
Hello and welcome. I'm Frankie Boyle.
When I was asked to host this show, I was delighted.
I hate this programme, but I do have a book to sell and a mistress in London.
On Noel's team tonight...
# ..Tiny dancer... #
DJ Ironik, who's a really, really good rapper.
According to MC Sarcastic.
Please welcome DJ Ironik.
And welcome a woman who's brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.
It's Carol Vorderman.
On Phill's team tonight,
a singer who said recently he'd be quitting music.
Which is like Stephen Hawking saying he's quitting basketball.
From Reverend and the Makers, Jon McClure.
A man who performed an Edinburgh show this year
which asked if it was OK to have a Hitler moustache.
The answer is yes, just above the vagina.
It's comedian Richard Herring.
So, those are our teams.
No wonder Simon Amstell left.
So, we begin with a round called, "Woop woop! That's the sound of da police!"
Noel, Carol and Ironik, have a look at this.
# Pink it was love at first sight... #
It's Aerosmith, a band who had so much sex in the 1980s,
Steve Tyler's wank bank is one of the few financial institutions
predicted to ride out the recession.
# ..And I think everything is going
# To be all right
# No matter what
# We do tonight. #
That was Aerosmith with Pink.
How did a Ferrari get the Aerosmith drummer Joey Kramer in trouble with the law?
It was like someone had let David Lynch direct a Gap advert!
That's not nice!
He's a wee dwarf, then a skeleton. When he actually comes on as himself he looks weirder.
Noel, I'm enjoying your cloak work, or cape work.
You made this for me, didn't you? Yeah.
So you and Carol could look like the same woman from different dimensions.
Do you think? Yeah.
Noel looks like a wizard who's turned into a beautiful young lady.
Was that a compliment?
It was a compliment to Noel.
You look like Bobby Ball if he was in Star Trek.
A cyber Bobby Ball. Ironik, do we call you Ironik?
Call me whatever you want. Don't say that.
I'm fascinated by you. You've got stars for hair.
I'm loving the cape.
What I can't work out is how old is Steve Tyler?
He's been around a while and he looks quite good. Odd, but good.
He looks quite good if he's a Pepperami.
I did read a thing about him last year.
He had bloggers pretending to be him and his girlfriend,
typing about what they got up to all day and night.
Then he sued them, but he didn't know who they were. You wouldn't.
Do you Tweet? No. I don't Tweet.
Facebook? Yeah, I do go on Facebook. But, what's your name on Facebook?
Frankie Boyle.
To be honest, Carol, I'd heard you were smarter than this. No.
There are actually 57 Frankie Boyles pretending to be you.
I hope they get the bullet or sexual assault case that I am due.
Back to the question. What was the question?
How did the Ferrari get Aerosmith's drummer in trouble with the law?
Oh, I love Ferraris.
I've never been in a Ferrari. Me neither. I wouldn't know.
Unfortunately. Can I have some "ah"s?
Shouldn't you ask Carol for those?
Something that happened at a garage.
Did he drive off with the pump still in it?
He left with the pump in the car? Still in...
Dragging the whole petrol station...?
That's a very complex wrong answer.
Not quite right, but you're very close. Very close.
He drove off and didn't pay? That's not close!
That would be the least rock 'n' roll crime of all time.
Did he keep that magic tree hanging from the mirror for too long?
What's happened here is when I told you you're very close
you've decided to guess at something from a totally different...
world.
It was actually the fact that Joey Kramer set his Ferrari and himself on fire
when he filled it up with the engine running, prompting a fire marshal's investigation.
The most disastrous pumping accident since Michael Jackson challenged Macaulay Culkin to leapfrog.
The tragedy was that it was a classic 1973 Ferrari
and Jamiroquai wasn't inside.
No points for you there.
Phill, Jon and Richard, have a look at this.
It's Kelis, who says it's her milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.
Personally, I use Haribo to tempt them
and central locking to imprison them.
# ..is better than yours I could teach you... #
That was Kelis with Milkshake but how did two prostitutes get her into trouble with the police?
Hard to see how prostitutes would. Maybe her blender had broken.
There's plenty of prostitutes with very good wrist action
who could whip up three or four knickerbocker glories.
A couple of whores banging away there. 96 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:53,120 She had to charge, and that's when it became a felony.
Yeah. Points, please.
One of the things this has thrown up is that nobody knows what Kelis's milkshake refers to.
It's a subject of internet debate.
Having researched this in quite some detail, I can confirm
it's strawberry and crushed ice mixed.
It's an innocent song about milkshakes? Absolutely. Let's hope so.
Breasts produce milk. By shaking breasts, that could be the milkshake.
If you can actually shake your knockers and make a milkshake...?
As a special Sunday treat for baby?
Yeah. What a hideous and disturbing image we've produced for the nation.
Any idea how she got into trouble with prostitutes? How can you NOT get into trouble with prostitutes?
Did Kelis hire two prostitutes and have sex with them?
The police caught them and, after watching for a while, arrested them?
For a year and a half. In an operation like The Wire.
I remember something about her shouting at people in the street!
Well done. A point. She was done for shouting abuse to two prostitutes.
Kelis was charged on public disorder counts after screaming abuse
at two prostitutes who turned out to be undercover police officers.
Always check that they really are prostitutes. It's illegal to kill police officers.
Next up, the never-popular intros round. Noel and Ironik, here are yours for Carol.
Are you ready? Yeah.
I'm looking forward to showing off my cape! It is beautiful.
I'm looking forward to showing off my beatboxing skills.
Look at your watch! It's like a bling Wagon Wheel!
I could probably buy a flat with that!
Um, one, two, three, four.
I know this one. Keep going.
And then the children followed Noel to the house.
That was really good, but I'm not very good at intros.
I didn't tell you that. By the standards of this round, it's quite a good version.
And I'm looking at you, Jupitus.
Don't get distracted by the cape.
Look at that embroidery.
Never thought I'd get my cape fondled by Carol Vorderman.
I apologise, boys. That was great, but I really don't know.
Phill's team? Is it Bob Marley? Can you get the song?
Iron Lion Zion. It is Iron Lion Zion.
Here's how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: Intro to "Iron Lion Zion" by Bob Marley and the Wailers
Can I ask you something, Carol? No.
Did you ever see any irony in presenting a show that was aimed at old people waiting for death?
And calling that programme Countdown?
I've attached Jelly Tots on my cape to lighten everything Frankie says.
I hope you've got a big bag of Jelly Tots!
All right... Shall I count? Yeah. You sure? Yeah.
If one of you can master counting!
Me!
Carol, count them in. OK.
One, two, three, four!
# Teenage kicks, so hard to beat. # Yes, indeed. Well done.
Here's how is should have sounded.
MUSIC: Intro to "Teenage Kicks" by The Undertones
For three weeks, I used to practise in my back room with Liz Kershaw,
when we were in a band, Dawn Chorus and the Blue Tits, we used to sing that.
Who had the blue tits?
It varied.
So, that was Teenage Kicks by The Undertones.
Feargal Sharkey now campaigns against illegal downloads.
I intervened when somebody was about to download a Michael McIntyre DVD.
I said, "Don't bother, mate. It's shit."
John Peel was such a fan of The Undertones, he had "Teenage Kicks" on his tombstone.
Sadly, it's been kicked over by teenagers.
We also heard Bob Marley with Iron Lion Zion.
Bob Marley decided to fight cancer with homeopathy.
If you don't want to see the results, look away now.
Although cancer did want to play Aids in the semifinal.
Last year, a statue of Bob Marley was unveiled in Serbia to celebrate peace and tolerance.
Serbia is one of the most tolerant countries, having slaughtered all their intolerant citizens.
Phill and John, here are yours for Richard.
Good luck.
Let's do this. Come on. One, two, three, four.
I don't really like music.
I should have mentioned that before I came on the show.
We can all make the noise.
Anyone know what the title is?
Is it, er...?
Can I give a clue? Go for it.
It's what you might do after you watch a Kelis video.
Is it A Whiter Shade Of Pale?
You're close. You're on the right lines.
One of those, er... I do know this one. Apparently not!
When Frankie tells you, I'll say whether he's right or not.
Any ideas? Is it, like, Snow Patrol? Along them...?
They are wank, you're nearly there.
I would never have thought you were the kind of young man who'd use that sort of word.
I'm sorry. Is it cos it's not got enough letters in it?
It was the Caesars with Jerk It Out. Here's how it should have sounded.
MUSIC: Intro to "Jerk It Out" by the Caesars
That was quite difficult.
That was very hard. Next one is a great record.
Can you hear?
Shut your face!
I'm 42 years old! I should have a proper job, not doing this rubbish!
He's older than me, going "dang dang dang".
I should be a headmaster somewhere by now.
Not sitting here with the cardigan.
Cape! I don't know what it's called! Does that make me a bad person?
I can't do it. It just makes you a shit contestant.
Any ideas?
Manic Street Preachers? No.
Pixies with Debaser. Here's how it sounds.
MUSIC: Intro to "Debaser" by the Pixies
So that was the Pixies with Debaser.
The group struggled with a nine-year heroin problem.
Nine years of heroin goes beyond a problem.
It's like saying, "Millions died in the Second World Kerfuffle."
And Jerk It Out by the Caesars who said "jerk it out" means to let out some steam.
We've all had one of those towards the end of the Hollyoaks omnibus.
Round three is the identity parade.
Noel, Ironik and Carol, how about an ex X Factor contestant?
For the audience only, here is Maria Lawson.
# One by one the dreams are gone
# Today you're the lonely one
# Free from all you've wished yourself
# Thought you'd left you on the shelf
# How could this be history?
# When the future seemed to be
# Brighter than the stars above Full of hope and full of love. #
That was Maria Lawson in 2006 with Sleepwalking.
Which of our line-up is the real Maria?
Is it number one, sleepwalker?
Number two, street walker?
Number three, sleep it off in the spare room?
Number four, sleep with whoever you want as long as I can film it?
Or number five, could you sleep with number four and one? No, not one.
Two.
Now, these two boys are big fans of the X Factor.
Are we? Wow! Am I not allowed to say?
Is the X Factor the one with Jedward?
I saw Jedward. In real life?
They're like the new Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec?
I was a big fan of Ant and Dec. PJ and Duncan.
Let's Get Ready To Rumble. # Let's get ready to rumble... #
You know.
Surely, that was the death of music?
Also the death of your street cred!
I'll take off my bling now!
Drop it in a tray on the way out.
I read a story about you, right?
A kiss-and-tell. Right. By a lady who said... Yeah.
You took her to a Premier Travelodge. Me? Yeah.
They're Premier Inns. Travelodge is a different company.
Carol, you are on the ball tonight!
I can't imagine Jay-Z taking Beyonce to Centre Parcs.
Jayzee's wrapped up with Beyonce.
I'm single. A single guy should be allowed to do what he wants.
"If I'm not dating her, it's the Travelodge!"
I don't know why I started a beef with you.
We're cool. We're cool.
Any ideas who's Maria?
I have.
Anyone got any correct ideas?
I've seen one episode of the X Factor.
I don't know about the X Factor. Mr Ironik?
This was 2006, right?
I did see it, then. The children were younger.
We stayed in on Saturday night. I bet you're an amazing mum.
You made them watch the X Factor. They wanted to watch the X Factor.
It's like an Alan Bennett monologue. "We had Ryvitas that night."
"There was no custard creams.
"Harvey had taken the last custard cream and in many ways that summed up our relationship."
I do know the answer and I knew it as soon as she walked out.
I didn't believe you. You said that to every question!
You've got nothing right.
I really liked her and I didn't think she should have been sent out.
It's definitely number one. Did she not win?
She wouldn't be turning up in this piece of shit.
She was very lovely and a great voice. Number one.
Could the real Maria Lawson please step forward?
Now starring in Thriller the musical and promoting her new album.
Maria Lawson, ladies and gentlemen.
Phill, Jon and Rich, something from the 1970s for you.
For the audience only, it's Chicory Tip.
# Son of my father
# Changing, rearranging into someone new
# Son of my father
# Collecting and selecting independent views
# Knowing and I'm showing that a change is due... #
That was Chicory Tip with their 1972 Number One, Son Of My Father.
Which of our line-up is drummer Brian Shearer?
Is it number one, son of my father?
Number two, son of a bitch?
Number three, "Son, you're adopted"?
Number four, "Son, your real father could be any one of Cameroon's 1990 World Cup squad"?
Or number five, "Son, I never want to see you or your boyfriend again"?
I'm loving the shirts.
Someone thought they'd never get a use for these.
Unless they've all come with embarrassingly the same costume.
I think that it's actually the Lithuanian Boyzone.
BAD EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: We go to England to make pop hit.
When we're not singing the pop music, we fix plumbing.
He's a drummer, right? Yeah.
Number four.
He's got the most deranged look. They're all nutters.
It's two or four, is where I'm going.
You're trying to guess by scanning for signs of mental illness?
We should look at their hands. Can we?
You can do what you like. Go and look at their hands, man.
Hold out your hands, please, gentlemen. Palms up.
No, he's never done... Stick-holder.
It could be nothing.
Mind you.
These are all really old men, so...
Oh! He didn't want to show.
Very smooth. Seen a few Kelis videos.
It's not helped, has it? Callus. It's one or five.
If you'd spent all your life holding a stick!
Well, I kind of have, to be honest.
Doesn't mean he's a drummer. He could be a strangler.
Any ideas from the Quincy approach? My spin-off show, CSI Buzzcocks, might knock me flying.
Will you just bring in the bodies of dead pop stars?
"Well, Jim Morrison - turns out he choked to death on Revels."
Any ideas? I'll have number one.
Slight nutter, callus on his hand and looks a bit rock 'n' roll.
It's unnerving how you say, "I'll have number one."
'Ave him, like! You don't get to keep them, you know.
Number one, please. Will the real Brian Shearer please step forward?
Still performing with Chicory Tip, Brian Shearer, ladies and gentlemen.
We end with Next Lines. Phill's team are in the lead so they go first.
Your time starts...now.
"And then I saw her face."
I'm a believer. Neil Diamond. I'm A Believer.
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard."
I'm like, "It's better than yours." Too right, it's better than yours.
You can keep it but I'd have to charge.
Two points for that. "What are you going to do with all that junk?"
All that junk inside your trunk. The Black Eyed Peas.
My Humps. It's the theme tune to Cash In The Attic.
"Johnny reckons that he saw her in the chemist buying oral contraception."
Shit, it's me and I've forgot. I can't remember.
"It can't be for her hubby cos he can't get an erection." Yeah!
Reverend and the Makers, What The Milkman Saw.
"In nomine patris et filii."
No! The Reverend Ian Paisley. You couldn't be more wrong.
It's Spiritus Sancti. Well done.
Two points. It's Spiritus Sancti. It's the Pope from the Latin mass.
Two points, and two points off for saying Ian Paisley when it was the Pope.
Swings and roundabouts. "You're still the one that can turn me on."
This is the Pope again.
You can make me whole again. Yes, by Atomic Kitten.
Why do I know that? Embarrassing!
Phill's team has ten points. Carol, how many points do you need?
Quite a few. "Quite a few!"
"Oh, what a feeling."
When you're dancing on the ceiling. Yes, Lionel Richie.
"I wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight."
Get teenage kicks right through the night. The Undertones.
"I would go out tonight."
But I haven't got a stitch to wear. Yeah. Except that mad cape.
The Smiths. This Charming Man.
"Hold me closer, tiny dancer."
That's my song.
It's Elton John's song, man!
It's a nightmare, isn't it, not remembering your own words?
At least they're not your words. You stole them.
# ..the headlights on the highway. # "In the headlights on the highway."
"Life's a game and we need to play it correct."
Do the right thing and don't get caught up in loads of mess. Yes! It's one of yours.
"It's like ten thousand spoons."
That's not my song.
Pass. "When all you need is a knife." Alanis Morissette.
"It's the final countdown."
You made that camper than that song actually was.
"Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one."
Zero.
The answer is "Happy New Year!"
I don't know what the points are. There's probably a graphic.
But there are no real winners tonight.
Thanks to Phill, Jon and Richard.
To Noel to Ironik and to Carol.
I've been Frankie Boyle and you've been watching, I imagine, a heavily edited version
of Never Mind The Buzzcocks, good night.