I Have A Dirty Little Secret... (04.26.10)


Uploaded by DanTelebi on 26.04.2010

Transcript:
[Alarm rings]
[Alarm stops]
Diet!
-(Sip) [Audience]: Ahhh! (Laughter)
Diet cream soda.
Wait, that's root beer, not cream soda.
I can't tell the difference. Anyway...
Today, I dropped my camera.
It fell on the floor, like pretty hard.
And like it wouldn't turn on!
Like I was like (laugh) I didn't want to buy a new camera.
But like, I took out the batteries and put it back in so it works again.
Miraculously.
Anyway, um today I'm supposed to be doing like homework and stuff.
But I don't want to do homework. Homework sucks.
I don't like school.
I mean I do like school but I don't like school just because of homework, you know?
If there was no homework, like if everything was done in school, then yes, I would like school.
Because of that sole basis, I don't like school.
Oh well. This semester's almost over so it's okay.
It's okay...
- (Sip) - (Clucking noises)
Stupid chicken!
Whatever.
(Sip)
I'm thinking of doing like an interesting video today.
Because I haven't made an actual video-video.
Not in a while...
(Buzzing noises)
Hi fish!
Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish...
- (Chomp) - Ah! (Laugh)
Chahlay bit may.
Just kidding, my fish isn't named Charlie.
This is the best song right here.
(Screamo music plays)
(Lip syncing) "I can't remember when..."
[Song: Ke$ha - Tik Tok] "Wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy,"
"Put my glasses on, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city."
"Before I leave, brush my---"
My window is opened.
AHH!
I'm going home. Yes I am, I'm going home...
Bala bala bala.
Hi guys, umm, I'm going to...
Wait, I'm not going to say, "Hi guys" because "Hi guys" is so repetitive.
Yo.
I'm going to shave my mustache off... and, because, I don't like mustaches!
And I tried to like... I tried to comtemtate... contemtate myself?
Thinking that mustaches are cool.
But mustaches aren't cool. I've always hated facial hair.
And uh, facial hair... is not me.
I realized you could either have this kind of hair with mustache *beep*ing hair...
Or either short hair and... with... a facial hair.
But either way, it does not look good with the combination of both.
I am on Ustream right now.
And I'm going to invite my Facebook junkies.
Anybody who cares to watch me, you know what? Go ahead. Watch me.
Cuz this...
(Sings) ...is the time of my life!
All right. Here we go, children.
No more mustache!
Mustaches need to go.
(Whistling)
Come on, you piece of *beep* hole!
(Louder echo) Come, you piece of *beep* hole!
Wow! Was that me?
Wash it. And we are ready.
(Fast forward, high pitched voice)
Ow!
No more mister nice guy.
I got a lot of hair on my damn... razor.
I'll tell you a funny story, okay?
I was in K-Mart, and the lady was like, "Are you old enough to have a Sears card?"
That was when I had my mustache at the time.
And I told her, "...what!?"
She's like, "Oh! Are you 18 or older?" I was like, "I'm 21..."
And she was like, "OH!! You look very young to me!!"
I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "Thank you..." But I rolled my eyes, kind of...
All right, I'm gonna shave the rest of my mustache!
Hahaha! I look like a lesbian now!
*Clap clap clap clap!*
I shouldn't have shaved my damn mustache off. I miss it now.
Everything about this mustache is gone...
(Singing) Gone, gone, til the end of time.
Wait, I'm singing a different song.
What do you think?
Maybe I should've kept some of it, maybe I should've just used scissors.
That would've taken a long time though, so I'd rather not.
[Girl]: Come on, I'm dead serious, shut the *beep* up!
[Girl]: But no, you do not, you do NOT flush *beep* tampons in the god damn toilet...
[Girl]: That is the number one rule of female san-- (echo) Number one rule of female...
[Girl]: That is like the stupidest *beep* ever.
(Laughter)
[Girl]: I've never met anyone-- Any female of my-- and none of my females have ever flushed...
...a damn toilet down... I meant flushed a toilet, flushed a *beep* tampon down the toilet.
So I have a funny story to share.
I went to dye my hair, and after that, I went to go to my room to play Final Fantasy XIII,
and I was like really tired and I started to fall asleep during the middle of the game.
[Hope]: Ahh!
I mean who does that?
Well, apparently me.
Oh well.
I dyed my hair, but you can't even see it!
It's supposed to be a red color but I guess it's more like a subtle red.
You can kind of see it, but not really.
There's not much of a difference.
It's supposed to come out more and more as I wash it, but...
I don't see it.
Oh well...
I take these.
Does anybody else take these?
I do, because I'm a man.
I'm a macho man...
I wish.
"Men's Health Formula..."
Men's Health! Speaking of Men's Health...
I used to have a magazine sent to my door and I didn't order it, and it's from Men's Health.
It really pissed me off! Like, they kept... they wanted my money and stuff.
They were sending me free magazines and I was like, "I didn't order these, I don't need these!"
They sent me like this book. They sent me like a thick book of like... *beep*.
And I was just like, "I didn't order this!" I hate when people think that I...
Speaking of which!
That brings me to my next thing.
I guess PETA sent me this.
Er... no, not PETA. It was like a Pet's Organization thing.
I didn't open this. But I think it looks retarded, and I'm probably going to sell it on Ebay.
They sent me like a letter, they were like, "Did you get our blanket?" Something... "Donate to us!"
And I was just like...
"Why? Why did you send me this? I don't remember for signing up for anything like that."
Has this ever happened to anybody?
Like... I didn't order any of that!
I hate when they do this to me.
Like, leave me alone.
If I want to order something, I'll order something, and you'll know it's from me.
But you guys suck.
In other news, I bought a kettle bell.
Yep. Kettle bell, because I'm like, super skinny, everybody knows,
they're just too afraid to say it to my face.
It's okay, you can say it, I'm... skinny.
That guy, Otherspokesmayne...
I think that's his name...
He says that he's like the skinniest guy in the world.
- Look at me, dude! - (Crack)
Ow! Geez, did you hear that? (Laughs)
That's why I need to work out!
And because my school is ending soon this semester,
I'm going to be working out during the vacation time.
I'm going to be working out more.
I was thinking of getting like, the whey...
You know, the whey...
Curdles and whey...
Little Miss Tuffet! What she eats!
Yeah, that kind of stuff.
I'm thinking of getting that. And then like, start working out, and eating more.
Geez Louisse. I was afraid this would happen.
(Gasp)
I have a secret to tell you.
You can't tell anybody, okay?
Okay, well, I'm putting it on the internet anyway because everybody knows that...
...the internet... is full of facts.
The facts of life!
Okay...
The truth is, I'm transsexual.
- Like, I used to be a chick. - (Gasp)
And now I'm a dude...
...at least I want to be a dude.
But people were saying such rude comments like, "Are you gay?" "Are you a homo?" "Are you..."
You know, that kind of stuff.
No, I used to be a girl. And I had my operation two years ago, so...
That pretty much explains my behavior today. I'm like, taking testosterone pills...
As you can see, my testosterone pills, right here.
Yep. I try everything I can to fit into the crowd. Because...
...I used to paint ducks mating! (Laughs)
I can't take this seriously...
Ha ha ha ha.