Andy Milonakis - "Heaven"


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on Sep 12, 2007

Transcript:

OK, let's just say there's a heaven, all right?
There's a heaven.
Let's say, it's like a Catholic,
Christian heaven, whatever.

Where do the Jews go?
You know?
Where do the Jews go?
And also where do the dicks go?
Like where do the dicks go in heaven?
I mean, I'm not talking about penises, like where do the
penises go in heaven, because the answer would
be to Mary's house.
[CHUCKLES AND SNAPS]
I mean, do you get to go to heaven if you're an asshole?
Like you're not killing people.
You know, you're not doing anything bad, but you're just
like an asshole.
Like say you're just a passive-aggressive asshole.
Like, yeah, that haircut looks good, I guess, if you're going
for the 1970s look.
Like are there people walking around heaven just
being dicks to people?
I mean, they're not horrible people.
They're not committing crimes.
So I mean, you wouldn't send them to hell.
I mean, that wouldn't be fair.
Like I don't want passive-aggressive assholes to
burn in hell forever.
I mean, maybe for like a couple months at least, but I
just can't picture spirits that were dicks on Earth
roaming around, you know, like Hollywood douche bags, or just
like, ugh, who's that?
Are there spirits around in heaven just being like, eww,
who's that?
She's fat.
That spirit is fat.
She's not famous.
She's not a famous cool spirit like us.
Right, cool spirits in the VIP section of
this cool heaven club?

Dude, why aren't you answering me?
And they're like, we're in heaven now.
We're not supposed to be like that.
You know what?
I'm not changing.
All right.
If your brain is something that's on Earth, and that
makes you a conscious person, and that makes up who we are,
who are we after we're gone if there's an afterlife?
Like do retarded people, or the politically correct term,
"retards," do they, like, automatically gain some kind
of a smart ability, like an ability to be smart?
Whoa, I don't know what's going on.
I'm this retarded guy.
OK, can you cut my cheese up for me?
And it's just like, whoops!
Now I'm, like, oh, I'm dead, and I'm in the afterlife, and
I'm just like a hip, happening spirit.
And I know what's going on, and look, I'm not drooling on
myself anymore.
Look no drool, Ma.
This is whoever you were on Earth,
you are in your afterlife.
Like that's just sucky to believe.
Because what about all the babies and the
retards and the assholes?
I don't know why a lot of people on the internet, like
some people-- there's a lot of haters that don't like me, and
they think I'm an idiot because, at one time or
another, I put peanut butter on my face and
acted, like, stupid.

And I don't like that they don't like me.
I mean, hey, I don't come to your work and slap your
mother's dick out of your mouth.
Get it?
Because you work at the "sucking
your mom's dick" store.
I mean, just like me and stuff, because I'm a nice guy.
I'm like a--
I'm a good person.

Um, here we go.