K-LOL: The Internet's Local News


Uploaded by LOUD on 13.07.2012

Transcript:

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

JORDAN MORRIS: I'm Jordan Morris and this is K-LOL, the
internet's local news.
Our top story this week is Comic Con, or as the
waitresses at the San Diego Hooters call
it, nightmare week.
The internet is already abuzz with updates from the annual
convention which started today.
Some attendees of the Con this year will be Joss Whedon, the
cast of Game of Thrones, Kate Beckinsale, and the fat
version of every superhero.
Fans are anticipating a lot of big questions being answered
at many of the panels.
Stars like Matt Damon will be on-hand to address questions
like, how do you get muscles?
And what do girls smell like?
In other news, a giant video game collection was recently
sold for over $1 million on eBay.
In addition to every Nintendo game ever created, the winner
of the auction will also receive a
lifetime of velvety snatch.
Hip-hop star Frank Ocean admitted on tumblr this week
that he had fallen in love with a man.
The hip-hop stars who've reacted negatively say that
the gay lifestyle has no place in the hip-hop community.
And then they spent the rest of the day buying pretty
jewelry, cute designer clothes, and fancy shoes.
A Connecticut couple is facing a lot of heat on the internet
as a result of a video they posted of their five-year-old
daughter smoking crack with sharks.
And that's just awful.
I'm sorry, but me, personally, I would--
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting word that she was just
swimming with the sharks.
So, that seems like less of a big deal.
A new article in Newsweek claims that the internet is
making us crazy, but not me, not me.
I live inside tumblr.
My eyes take pictures of Instagram.
Get out of my skin One Direction.
And now we turn to our culture correspondent, Marissa Ross.
MARISSA ROSS: Thanks, Jordan.
In this segment, I'll be schmoozing and boozing with
some the internet's hottest celebs, memes.

Joining me via satellite is the hottest new meme around,
Drunk Baby.
Thanks for being here, Drunk Baby.
[BABY NOISES]
MARISSA ROSS: I don't want to offend you, Drunk Baby, but it
seems like you're famous for being kind of a mess.
[BABY NOISES]
MARISSA ROSS: That's disgusting.
Look, Drunk Baby, I've been doing a drunk
blog for years now.
So, I've been cute and drunk on the internet since way
before you were even born.
I know where this road leads, here.

No offense, Jordan.
JORDAN MORRIS: Oh, I wasn't paying attention.
So, none taken.
MARISSA ROSS: Be honest, Drunk Baby.
How has your drinking habit affected your life?
[BABY NOISES]
MARISSA ROSS: Wow, that's really awful, Drunk Baby.
Can I help you?
[BABY NOISES]
MARISSA ROSS: Ugh, no.
[BABY NOISES]
MARISSA ROSS: Always, got to run, Jordan.
JORDAN MORRIS: Thanks, Marissa.
That certainly was a segment.
And now our kitten correspondents will give us
their top stories of the week.
Oh, I bet this is going to be adorable.
[PEPPY MUSIC AND WHISTLING]
JORDAN MORRIS: Wow, I really expected that to be about
yarn, or treats, or something not terrible.
You guys are [BLEEP]
fired.
Clean out your litterboxes.
Audience at home, send us what cute animal you think should
be our next adorable correspondent.
Just leave it in the comments or like us on Facebook at our
page, Kodiak Wal-Mart.
And that was everything that happened on the internet.
We leave you with a super cut of YouTube vloggers and their
favorite phrase.

[VARIOUS CLIPS OF PEOPLE SAYING, "HEY, GUYS."]

JORDAN MORRIS: You are interested in DTF.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know what DTF is.
JORDAN MORRIS: You're interested.
WATSKY: (FAST RAPPING) [INAUDIBLE] doesn't have it,
because it doesn't [INAUDIBLE]
pitch it, and switching my positions and what is on my
left butt cheek?
Pissed because I know my stupid phone is going to ring
again and I don't want to--
MALE SPEAKER: Haven't we all at some point in the evening
settled for a bag of crack?