Mock The Week on Berlusconi (with subtitles)

Our next round is called headliners:
here is a typical picture of
Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi
But what does B.I.T.S. stand for?
It doesn't just mean "bits", allright?
So it's not "bolognese is too spicy?"
Is it "Berlusconi is tatty-bo-jangle squeezer?"
Is he just auditioning people?
Is he going "bend over - impressive - that's satisfactory"?
Is it "Boys, I think it's syphillis"?
Is it "Berlusconi imitates Tyrannosaurus statue?"
Is it "Beaten in the Second World War?"
Is it: "Berlusconi, il Toro Shaggo"?
Is it: "Basically, I'm Tony Soprano"?
Has anyone got anything
that approaches the correct answer?
"Berlusconi in tape scandal."
Yes, that's right
Well done, thank you very much
The answer I was looking for was
"Berlusconi in tapes scandal"
Recently released audio recordings
detailing conversations allegedly between
escort Patrizia D'Addario
and a man
- allegedly Berlusconi -
have led to uncomfortable questions
about his personal and political life.
The prime minister's approval rating
has dipped below fifty percent
for the first time.
That's what it took:
It took actual tapes!
Tapes that could not be played
to any member of the government here
apart from Jacqui Smith's husband
who said "they are really good"
It's so wonderful though, isn't it
because you're meant to go
"oh my god, isn't it appauling"
but when you find out he's 72
and she is 40
you can't help but go:
Impressive!
Imagine if he was your grandad
imagine that
'cause when he was asked:
"Did you have sex with a prostitute?"
did he apologize? - no!
he went:
"ehh, I'm no saint"
"I'm no saint"
isn't a defense or an answer
to "did you have sex with a prostitute?"
he's gone "I'm no saint"
that's just a bizare non-sequitur
"Have you had someone killed, Mr. Berlusconi?"
"Well, I didn't invent penicilin."
He said more than just "I'm no saint"
The actual full quote was:
So in some ways he did clarify
I wonder if you can take that as a large "yes"
what the tapes actually said though:
on the tapes he says to the escort girl
"wait for me in the big bed"
and she says
"which one is that? the one with the curtains?"
and you think: how many beds are there?
and where is he shagging her?
is he in the bed section at Ikea?
"Tonight, we will do it in the big bed"
"Tomorrow, we will do it on the bed with the ladder
with the children's desk underneath."
who [said that] sex is ok
for a 72-year old man?
What's their version of "Last of the Summer Wine" like?
It must be just like porn
"Yes, let's get into the bath"
"Yes, let's all get into the bath"
"The stockings are wrinkly
because they're up and down 20 times a day"
He was asked about all the wild parties at his house as well
because they've been going on for ages
and he said something like
"As long as I'm there
nothing inelegant will happen
because I am a man of good taste and character"
or as it's known in a legal fraternity:
The Barrymore Defense
And what did she want in return for this?
She wanted a B&B
bizarely - this is genuinely true
she wanted a B&B
and Berlusconi went:
"Well,
what I'll give you
begins with B&B..."
What she actually said though
she asked for she asked
it was like rezoning, or to get a permit
and then she said:
that is full-on seduction right there
it's an incredible land of sleaze
that is
and scandal, isn't it?
can you imagine how tame
our expenses scandal looks to them?
In Italy they'ld be, like,
"have you claimed for a bathplug?"
"No, that should read buttplug"
The cabinet meetings must be like
a pool party in Sir Mix-A-Lot's house
It's probably just 20
18-year old swimwear models
with sprinklers that come on
every hour on the hour
They all get up and dance for a while
Home Secretary, work it harder
Is this just the reason we have sex scandals
we're supposed to be attracted
to strong, confident women
but we're not
we're actually attracted to
broken, neurotic women
because we know they'll be [...] in bed
If you go out on a date with someone
and on the first date they go
"I had a great relationship with my father"
inside you're going
"damn!"
"My stepfather on the other hand..."
If you're having dinner
if you're having dinner with 20 escorts
what is the polite time to go
"Well, that's enough dinner"
It's clear you all know
you're not there for dinner
if you have to go
"ah, my penis is now al dente"
I'm disgusted at the idea of him
I couldn't watch him having sex
it would be like watching an Egyptian mummy
trying to post a sausage
I think it's quite unlikely you'll be asked
to watch him having sex
I don't know
I wouldn't rule that out with Berlusconi
Recently one of the papers did a phrasebook
and there is a politics version of it
and it included this phrase:
which means:
What an honour
the Prime Minister wants
to sleep with our grandaughter