Tech Commandments | Richard Hammond's Tech Head

Uploaded by hammondtechhead on 01.05.2011

Come in, sit down and listen.
Put the new thing back in its case!
I'm only telling you once.
If the screen gets scratched I will literally kill you.
And by 'literally kill you' I very literally mean I won't kill you,
but will make the angry noise in your general direction.
Never talk about viral emails!
Had they been around now, Winston Churchill, Oscar Wilde and Mark Twain
would all have come up with several pithy quotes about just how tedious
it is listening to someone trying to describe an amusing video they've just been emailed.
The very fact that said video has 'gone viral' probably means you've seen it already
or rather watched the first five seconds before scrolling down
and amusing yourself with the comments.
I love you mum, but if you try and tell me how funny
the Sneezing Panda is one more time, I will literally scream.
And by 'literally scream' I mean I will literally scream.
Don't buy physical media!
DVD boxsets, VHS tapes from the charity shop and CDs from petrol stations
all make excellent gifts if you're running a bit late.
But buying them for your own use is no longer the done thing.
No modern man should really be seen dead coming out of a record shop
with a hard, physical purchase.
The fact it's called a 'Record Shop' in the first place should give you
some indication as to the progressive nature of any purchase made within.
Unless of course it's one or more of these fine products
in which case fill your boots!
Email is the preferred form of contact!
Nobody likes thinking on their feet,
so why do people persist with making phone calls to one another?
Email - and text messages, or 'mini-mail' as I like to call them
are far less stressful.
Consequently I'm more likely to respond to an email
than any other form of communication - including face-to-face.
What's more, my response will probably be funnier.
Although if I haven't got back to you after a while,
just give me a call - I'm terrible at responding to email.
Talking of email...
Never set up a wacky email address!
It'll be funny for a week, less so for the next four years
until you finally realize you can't send a job application form from
'hotmail'', at which point you'll have to change it.
Getting a new passport is easier than getting a new email address these days
and what's more, realistically, I'll never get round to updating my address book
which means you're as good as dead to me.
Use the same password for everything!
Security experts witter on about this being a bad idea, but come on
if you have separate passwords for email,
eBay, Amazon, iTunes, Sky, and Paypal,
your brain will fill up and you'll start forgetting to eat.
Don't be ridiculous though and just plump for 'password'
take a leaf out of my book and be a bit creative;
I've gone for 'password1'.
Honestly, who'd want to hack into your stuff anyway,
unless you're a high-profile celebrity who someone could blackmail and... oh.
Change it to 'password2'.
Put your real birthday on social networks!
It's OK to lie about the year you were born if you're embarrassed about
how old you are - I'm not, I'm happy for everyone to know I recently turned... 30
but please put the correct day and month.
I can't be bothered to remember this sort of stuff,
so if a little reminder doesn't pop up on Facebook,
you're not getting a hastily-prepared text wishing you a 'halpy brithdaw'.
Never change someone else's settings!
You can use my computer for a limited period, in an emergency.
But if the default browser's changed, my desktop icons have moved
or the screen's at a different brightness when I get back,
there will be the angry noise.
And revenge.
Do not ask to borrow my batteries!
My batteries are special.
They are high-capacity rechargeables from a specialist dealer who's off the grid.
Your Pound Shop disposables are an embarrassment.
And quite possibly lethal.
If you need more batteries - you buy them.
Or take them out of your remote
or try that rubbing-and-then-putting-them-back-in thing.
My batteries are mine and mine alone.
The electricity in them came from my house supply,
so you're basically stealing my power.
Which I need for charging my batteries.
And finally...
Don't text whilst talking to me!
Am I so dull that you need only allocate 9% of
your brain-power to nodding and smiling while I speak?
Call me old-fashioned - actually don't, it's hurtful - but
I need a little more feedback than vacuous nodding and smiling.
Or should I just stop talking and sit here
until you've finished your virtual chit-chat?
Yup. Maybe I'll do that.
Ha, has anyone seen this chubby kid pretending to use a light sabre?
It's hilarious, right, 'cause he's...