COUCHERS - Episode 6: Nikki Muller as The Chronic Masturbator Lady

Morning, guys!
Hey
We need to put a stop to this.
Yeah, I can't concentrate.
I know but this is her house. Besides, what's she doing that's that wrong?
Is Carpel Tunnel Syndrome just a joke to you, Shelby?
What are you guys talking about? What is she doing?
All the spelunking she's doing in there.
The what?
The bean flicking.
The finger puppet show she's giving herself.
The what?
Jake, sometimes when a woman loves herself very much
she wants to express that love in a loving way.
Men aren't the only ones that do that.
What do men do?
We need to have an intervention.
Obviously I'll take the reigns on this one.
This is so great you guys.
I haven't had pot roast in years.
Well, you see, the thing about pot roast is
if you have it all of the time, it loses its luster, right?
But if you save it for when you really need it
then it serves its purpose, huh?
Yeah, I guess.
And, I know pot roast is easy
but in a civilized society, we can't do it all the time, you know?
Yeah, I completely agree.
Hands above the table!
Hands above the table for the pot roast!
I like to let my hands roam around in the darkness under the table.
It's like a mystery down there.
Not that big of a mystery.
Say what?
I think what Shelby is trying to say about the pot roast is
Enough about the pot roast!
But I spent a lot of time on this.
No, not you. Set it down.
Barbara, this is an intervention.
We want to help you with your problem.
My problem?
Are you talking about my gutters?
Because I know they need a really good cleaning.
I think your gutters are pretty well cleaned.
Really? Because my landlord was saying I should -
Forget the gutters.
I mean, don't, you need to have clean gutters.
That's not what we're talking about.
We know what you've been doing in the bedroom
and the bathroom
and at least once in the attic.
You're a "rub junkie"
and you've been playing with yourself for the last five minutes.
That's ridiculous.
Is anyone going to eat my meat - my dinner?
I always knew I made myself too happy
and now you all think I'm a sick perverted freak
No, no, we don't think that you're a freak
Well I do
but freaky ladies always have a leg up, and preferably two
We just need to teach you a little restraint
and by little, I mean little
Let's dull the blades
Now we just need to get you some new hobbies
take your mind off of masturbating
That's a fun word. What does it mean?
Drastic times call for rope and duct tape
Hold her down!
Let's go. Let's get her out of here.
Hello friends
It's Sex Nerd Sandra here!
Guess what?
We've got the TV show host of "Intercourse Discourse" in the house.
Dr. Armen Cundell is here.
Hi Sandra, big fan.
Nice studio
Not too quiet though
Yeah, thank you. It is Armenian Comedy Night next door.
But anyway let's start with, why this girl you have with you is tied up
This is Barbara. She has a sex problem and needs to get fixed.
Could have done it myself, but naturally I thought I'd come to you first
Okay, that doesn't make much sense, but what's the problem with Barbara?
Well Dr. Cundell calls me a "rub junkie".
I'm assuming that means you're a frequent masturbator?
How many times a day do you pleasure yourself?
20-ish
Okay, well that is a lot.
I think I'm going to write a paper.
But is it negatively affecting your life?
Yes. I don't think its fair with so much sadness in the world
that I get to be so happy.
Everyone masturbates.
It's a perfectly healthy part of life.
At the age we're all at
we've done it enough to figure out what works for each of us.
I guess my biggest concern is if you guys keep doing this on your own
then what purpose do I serve?
That's why this bothers you?
Well we have to think about the planet-
the future of this planet, I mean
if men become obsolete
then that's a very grim future indeed.
I guess you have a point.
Thank you.
But I think the solution to this problem
is to intellectualize the situation.
Think about why you're doing it.
Are you getting something out of it
or is it purely mechanical?
I mean, as long as it's not negatively affecting your life
there's really no problem.
Wow, Sandra. You've really opened up my mind here.
I just feel so much better about everything.
One thing is still bothering me:
What do you do about chafing?
Try "Slippery Lou's Pleasure Powder".
It comes highly recommended
It does.
Do you even know what that is?
No, I don't.
Remember, this is a safe zone now.
No longer "Whack Off Central".
Oh, we didn't see you at the show. Did you come?
Yeah. Twice.