How to make cookies - 5/7/12 (FULL EP)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 07.05.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Who lost money on Sabercat?
Who did?
Who did?
You?
Did you?
Did I?
Did you?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hey, you guys.
Thanks for coming to watch.
How was your weekend?
Did you bet on horses?
Sabercat was the horse that lost.
Uh, did you drink margaritas for Cinco de Mayo instead?
Did you drink margaritas and then bet on horses?
Is betting legal?
Did you wear a hat?
Did you drink margaritas and then you put on a hat?
That sounds about right.
That's what I did.
Let's look.
That's me behind those hats.
Let's prove it.
Look, it's me.
That was a few margaritas in.
Thanks to those of you who watched us live.
And for those of you that comment in the
chat, that's awesome.
I love it.
Here's a comment from last week.
This is from Infringinator.
He said, "Beth Hoyt--" or he or she. "Beth Hoyt says mirror
mirror on the wall, who's the prettiest of them all like
every morning."
How did you know?
How did you know I--
how did you know?
I need to do that to leave my apartment in the morning.
OK?
It's just what I have to do.
Are there cameras?
Anyway, this is also what I found out on Sunday.
On Sunday, that it was National Cookie Week.
National Cookie Week.
That's a whole week.
It ended yesterday.
I found that out on the last day.
I'm sorry I'm yelling.
So I made some cookies last minute last night.
Here's a picture.
I made those.
I documented the process.
The end result was delicious.
The process was typical Beth.
I'm going to put that up on my blog tomorrow, the process.
Check that out, bethinshow.
I ate so many of them because I had to make up for the whole
week because none of you guys told me.
I'm still in the cooking mood though, so I'm going to make--
I'm going to make a cookie--
a lunch cookie right here right now.
Well, after I get it set up.
So let's take a look at Co-op of the Damned--
Hell's Kitchen while I get my kitchen ready.
-So as you can see, all the floors are original.
There's new linoleum in the kitchen.
Is there a Mrs?
-My wife kind of kicked me out of my old place.
-Oh.
Messy divorce?
-It's pure hell.

[COUGHING]
-Oh.
Hello.
Welcome to Hell.
-What?
-Come with me.
-No, no, no.
-Come on.
-There's some mistake or something.
-So as you can tell, we're still getting organized up
here, new digs and all.
you're the rapist?
-Buddhist.
-Oh, tomato tomatoe.
Anyway, here's the deal.
We're going to torture you for all of eternity.
Some really nasty stuff.
Is there anything you're afraid of-- snakes, poop?
-I don't know, spiders?
-Yeah, we don't have any spiders.
What about dirty dishes?
-Uh, OK.
I guess.
-Great.
OK.
I hereby sentence you to wash dishes for all eternity.
And use the nontoxic soap.
And there's gloves.
-Yo, is there a Bagelbob here?
-It's Beezlebub.
Give me that.
Come on.
-I was waiting for a call.
-I thought I told you to go stand up broken glass.
Get out of here.
People, when I say no phone calls in Hell, that means no
phone calls.
Really expensive.
Hello?
Hey, sport.
No, no, I have not forgotten about our
big plans on Saturday.
Really?
Your mom's new friend wants to come?
And he taught you how to throw a perfect spiral?
Hey, if you can lean, you can clean.
No, sport.
I wasn't talking to you.
I love you, buddy.
You know that?
OK?
And this other guy, I don't know what his--
what he's trying to tell you about me, but it's not true.
-Is this 72nd Street?
-Hey, get away from there.
-I think I have a friend who lives in this building.
-Did you do the dishes?
-Yeah.
You have a dishwasher.
-Fine.
Then just sort this laundry for all eternity.
-Is it not sorted enough already?

-Don't touch it.
-I guess not.

-Hey, Steve.
Dinner's not going to finish itself.
-OK, thanks.
-We need to talk.
-Uh, OK.
I'm a little unorganized.
You're the pedophile?
-I'm your roommate, Tim.
-Tim.
Right.
So not the pedophile?
-Are your friends staying over again?
-Friends?
Oh, yes.
They are.
Hey, you don't happen to have a labryinth in
your room, do you?
Made of fire?
Not made of fire, whatever.
I'm going to take that as a no I guess.
Jeez, passive aggressive much?
Jerk.
-Hey, neighbor.
Who wants lemon squares?

Please tell me someone is terrified of making popcorn.

So there's no hot water and I used your toothbrush-- again.

Hello.
Welcome to Hell.
You'll be cleaning for the rest of eternity.
Here's your broom.
-Broom?
-That goes for everybody.
Come on.
Got a special launch in store for all you people.
Sodomy.
[SNEEZE]
-Bless you.
-Shut up.

-Can you pass me a spoon [INAUDIBLE]
brother number one?

Lights up, please.
Come on, now.
Man, directorial.
What [INAUDIBLE] do?
You must be on the red devils.
You all know what a red devil is?
I'm not going to tell you either.
But I know my uncle used to take them and fall
asleep at the light.

BETH HOYT: All right, that's a classic from our
MyDamnChannel archives.
It's Cooking with Coolio.
And I'm going to cook just like Coolio.
OK, it's nothing like that.
Come on.
So what I'm going to make is called--
I'm calling it a lunch cookie.
Here we go.
So first you add your flour.
Here's the flour.
You got to have flour.
That brings everything together.
Get all that flour in there.
Then, of course, you have to add your sugar.
Mmm.
Make sure you add all this brown sugar in there.
And then you need to add--
you need to add some peanut butter.
Make sure you have lots of peanut butter.
Yummy, for the best cookies.
And then you want some chocolate chips.
Add the chocolate chips in there.
You're going to want to add some baking soda
because you have to.
I don't really know what it does, but
it helps it do something.
You're going to add the baking soda.
You're going to want to add some more peanut butter.
You're probably going to want to add
some more peanut butter.
You're going to think again on that and be like, I should add
more peanut butter.
You're going to need an egg.
Don't forget your egg.
That's essential.
And then lastly, just a little bit more peanut butter.
You're going to want to just put a little more peanut
butter in there.
Oh, don't forget those chocolate chips.
There's a few more.
Mm.
And then, you're going to bake it in the oven.
Bake your cookie.
Bake your cookie!

Mm.
Cookie's done.
Ding, ding, ding.

And that's how you get yourself to be completely
dissatisfied with a salad.
Mm.
All right, I'm going to dig into this.
You guys--
you guys look away.
Can we show them that funny video, the
new Linked Out video?
Let's do that.

-Hey, man.
I had an accident in my head.
-Oh, wow.
-Can you please call 911 for me?
-Actually, check this out.
Hi, Scurry.
Please call 911.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Calling mom.
-No, Call 911.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Calling mom now.
-No, no, no.
Call 911.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Your eye is going numb.
-No, 911.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Searching for plums.
-Jesus Christ, just dial 911.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Please hold.
-You believe this?
-What?
-Hey, how's my car doing by the way?
-It's fine I just--
I'm losing a lot of blood.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Hi, this is Scurry.
-Oh, Scurry.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Unfortunately, I'm away from
the phone right now.
-Son of a--
-I think I might pass out.
-Hey, could you just give me a minute?
Scurry--
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Please remain calm.
-Please call 911.
Requesting apology.
-Apology?
For what?
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Offensive tone.
Scurry insulted.
-Oh my god.
-Maybe you should just apologize.
-No way.
Nope.
Not going to happen.
Sorry.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Apology accepted.
-Wait, no.
No, no, no, that apology was for him, not for you.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Dialing 911.
-Cancel the call.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Dialing 911.
-Cancel it.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Canceling call.
-Finally.
Jesus, something goes right.
Oh, shit.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): You're [INAUDIBLE].
-What?
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Scurry self-destructing in
five, four, three, two, one.

-Darling, did you know we're live right now?
-I did it.
It's fantastic, Jerry.
-You know what else is fantastic?
I had the boys in the back rig up this virtual sensor bar I
can throw across your mouth if you want to start swearing.
-Oh.
-What's your favorite cuss word?
-Well--
-I'm so sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.

-Hey, what's going on, roommates?
-Dan, can you sit down.
-Holy shit.
Is this an intervention?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: That's Dan St. Germain with Kicking Dan Out.
It will premiere on Wednesday along with other MyDamnChannel
original comedy series.
And our guest, David Cross, that will
be at 4:00 PM Eastern.
And I'll see you tomorrow at that same time--
4:00 PM.
And in the meantime, eat your veggies.
OK, guys?
Eat your veggies.
[MUSIC PLAYING]