Retta - 5/2/12 (FULL EP)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 02.05.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Ladies and gentlemen, mambo number five.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi, guys.
It's Beth Hoyt.
It's me.
I'm so glad you're here.
This is going to be a really fun half an hour, I promise.
You trust me, right?
You do?
You don't?
It's too soon.
We'll work on that.
We're going to work on it.
OK, well it's our big Wednesday show.
And we've got a treat today.
It's Retta, AKA Donna From NBC's Parks and Rec, is here.
And we have something pretty freakin' special
in store for you.
How special?
I knocked a rib bone out of place for it.
But it was worth it--
hopefully, if you like it.
Please like it.
Oh my god, I think you'll like it.
As per usual, Retta and I will be answering your live
comments and your questions.
So don't just watch the show.
Send questions or comments for Retta to my Twitter,
@thebethhoyt.
Or get in that live chat stat, like ASAP, like now.
Anyway, we'll be getting to that in a little while.
But first, I wanted to talk to you about this really
affirming feature I read in Glamour magazine at the gym.
It's called "30 Things Every Woman Should Know and Should
Have by the Time She's 30."
So now, I'm close to becoming 30.
I'm somewhere between one and eight years away from 30.
So I should have and know most of these things, right?
OK, let's take a look at a few of them.
OK, they say I should have one old boyfriend you could
imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far
you've come.
OK, I do have those.
Does it still count if they are both now gay?
A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you're not ashamed to
be seen carrying.
No, no, no.
All right.
Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for
yourself just because you deserve it.
I have bought that ridiculously expensive thing,
but it wasn't out of self-love but rather self-hate.
It was like, let's see you pay for that, Beth Hoyt.
You know?
Why?
So maybe I'm not going to achieve Glamour
girl status, OK?
I'm not.
But I have things.
I swear.
Listen, I've got to find a way to get up in the morning since
I am one to eight years away from turning 30.
So here's my list of under-30 achievements.
Have a picture taken of yourself as a baby inside a
doll's box because your brother and
sister put you there.
Yes, that is not a doll.
That is me.
Check.
Did that.
How about-- within a month of moving to New York City,
believe some gypsy women that says, you
need full body shots.
And pay her in cash in New Jersey for photos
such as this one.
That's a good one.
I use that a lot.
Be a bridesmaid in a beautiful wedding for a good friend.
And then do it again.
And then do it again.
And then do it again.
One more time.
Yep.
And then do it again.
OK, let's end on this one.
Spend one Halloween awkwardly looking so much like a man
that your friends don't even recognize you.
I was going for Russell Brand.
I realize I look a little Captain Hook meets Prince.
I see that.
So these are just some things I've personally
achieved before 30.
You have to make your own list.
Make yourself feel good.
Right, ladies?
Guys, you don't have to do anything.
You're perfect just the way you are.
Do we feel better or worse now?
Oh my gosh.
Are you starting to not trust me?
No.
Don't worry, OK?
Because listen, I've got something for you.
It's time for a premiere of one of our My Damn Channel
original comedy series.
It stars Steve Rannazzisi from The League.
Get ready to love and hate him.
It's Daddy Knows Best with
"Game Night." -A penis.
Dirty Sanchez.
-Money shot.
-Yes.
[CHEERING]
-I said that too.
Money shot.
-I got it.
-I told you Porno Pictionary was the way to go.
-Hey, why don't we kick it up a notch and make this into a
swingers party?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
-I choose Nancy.
-What?
-That little filly.

PHIL (OFFSCREEN): What are you talking about?
-For the swingers party.
I thought we were choosing up, like, draft picks.
No?
-No.
That was a joke, Steve.
-Yeah.
No, I totally--
ha, ha, ha.
I get that.
I was kidding too.
I'm not even attracted to Nancy.
So--
ugh.
-So now my wife's unattractive?
-On the contrary, my friend.
Your wife's smoking hot.
And if I was single, I would be [RASPBERRY]
in that.
-Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
You would just--
-No.
-You what do that?
-No.
No, Steve.
Actually, you're the last person in this room that I'd
want to have sex with.
-Ha.
-OK?
-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah.
-You know Brad's here, right?
Have you met Brad?
He's sitting right over there.
-Yeah.
I met Brad.
-You're telling me you would have sex with Brad before you
had sex with moi?
-Yeah.
-Really?
-Yeah, you know what, though?
You'd have to get behind me in line though, because I would
totally hit that.
-Oh, yeah.
I would totally hit that.
Look at me.
Everybody's getting on the Brad wagon.
-Yeah, Steve.
OK?
He's smart.
He's sophisticated.
And he speaks three languages.
It's very sexy.
-Well, two and a half--
Spanish, French, and a soupcon of Klingon.
-That's not even a language.
What are we talking about?
Phil, can you do me a favor and help me out here?
Help a brother out.
-What am I going to say?
Brad's awesome.
I got to agree with the girls.
You know, he's pretty attractive.
And if I was going to have a relationship with a man, if I
was going to experiment, I'd want Brad to be my first.
-Oh, dear Jesus Christ.
-Ow, that's sweet.
-Are you telling me right now-- you're looking at me and
telling me you would have sex with Brad before you let me
enter you as your first?
-Yes.
You're aggressive.
You would--
I feel like you would hurt me down there.
-You have no idea.
-You're like a bull in a China shop.
-Damn right I would wreck you.
You know what's wrecking me right now?
All this talk about Brad being better than me in bed.
You have no idea what I have to offer.
Huh?
You see this move, Brad?
You cannot even fathom what this move is.
-Oh, no.
Steve, don't do this.
-Nancy, stare at my face right now.
-Don't look at him.
-Watch.
Double time.
Emily, ba, ba ba, bah.
-Honey, no.
Just stop, Steve.
-No, I will not stop because Brad started this with his
macho atmosphere.
You want to have a hump-off?
-I'm not going to hump the air.
I'm too busy humping my wife.
-Wow, lucky her.
-In your face.
-No more, OK?
No, no, no.
-Oh.
-How about that?
Four and a half inches, cut, no VDs, grade-A meat.
-That's enough.
That's it.
You crossed the line, Steven.
Get out.
-All right, it's time for you to go.
PHIL (OFFSCREEN): Get the fuck out.
-I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
-Oh, yeah.
No, we're not sorry.
Opposite of sorry.
-Are you happy, Steve?
Are you happy?
-No, I'm not happy.
-Oh, really?
So you're sorry?
Finally.
-No, they didn't even let me show them my go-to move--
the hot toboggan where I do the whirl and twirl.
-Don't.
Please, honey.
Just stop.
-I'm going to go back and show Brad.
That'll put me over the top.
Hey, Brad.
Check this one out.
-Oh, god.

BETH HOYT: He's just awful, right?
But also you hope he'd pick you.
Or be your friend.
That's terrible.
But it's true, right?
Anyways, did you like that?
You want some more?
Have you gone to mydamnchannel.com recently?
You should.
We gave it a shower.
We washed her hair.
We gave her a blowout.
She's got more episodes of Daddy Knows Best and Workless
and Jon Friedman Internet Program.
And that's where we'll put all of our 30 My Damn Channel
original comedy series.
After they premiere on this show,
they're going to go there.
And, of course, you can revisit our old classics and
our gems like Gigi and Wainy Days and Horrible People.
They are so worth re-watching.
Just go there.
But not till this show is over.
Because something big is coming up.
So when I found out that Retta was going to be our guest this
week, I knew we had to do something special with her.
And then I found out that Retta, just like me, is
obsessed with the NBC show, Smash.
They're going to be auditioning for
new dancers in June.
I just figured Retta and I needed to be ready.
So we contacted one of the choreographers of Smash and
she helped us whip up a special dance duet that we'll
be debuting live at the end of today's show.
But first, a look inside the excitement of training for a
dance number on My Damn Channel LIVE.

RETTA: I was really excited to hear that Valerie was
choreographing this piece.
I feel like once they see this, they're going to be
like, bring it.
Retta-- bring her on.
BETH HOYT: I'm so excited.
I'm really nervous.
I love Smash.
And I just want an opportunity to show them what I got.
VALERIE SALGADO: A lot of times you just never know.
You could find the next star.
BETH HOYT: I am just a bundle of nerves.
I'm already beating myself up.
VALERIE SALGADO: OK, let's do this.
BETH HOYT: So I saw Retta doing a few moves before we
started learning the dance.
She's really good.
It will probably be easier for her.
It's nice to have a partner who can handle herself.
And I can glance over if I'm lost.
VALERIE SALGADO: Retta is awesome.
She didn't even have to move.
RETTA: I don't know that I have a process.
I kind of just feel the music and my body takes over.
VALERIE SALGADO: She's just ready to go at any moment,
just like a cat.
RETTA: I don't find the rehearsals too challenging.
And I had a dream about it last night.
So I came in feeling I already knew.
I don't overthink it.
VALERIE SALGADO: So Beth works really hard.
She's very persistent.
Sometimes I have to go over things over and
over and over again.
BETH HOYT: I'm just really shocked at how hard this is.

VALERIE SALGADO: It's like she doesn't know the difference
between her left and her right.

BETH HOYT: I don't trust her.
Valerie's being a little tough on me.
I think she's not understanding that it'd be
better for me if she was nice.
It feels personal.
And I know it's not, but it feels like she's attacking me
just because I just need a little more time maybe than
Katharine McPhee does.
VALERIE SALGADO: And turn and press.
Turn, press, and face her.

RETTA: I mean, Beth is very sweet.
But I feel like she pulls a little something from me.
And I don't want them to think that I'm on her level.
BETH HOYT: How are you doing?
RETTA: I'm good.
BETH HOYT: OK.
VALERIE SALGADO: I just don't know if she has what it takes.
BETH HOYT: I feel like she's attacking me.
I feel like Retta is attacking me.
I feel like everyone's attacking me.

I just want to be a dancing star on television.
Since I started watching Smash, that's all I wanted.
VALERIE SALGADO: Five, six, seven, eight.
BETH HOYT: Ow.
RETTA: What happened?

I'm just saying, I better not see any tears.
Dance is no place for drama.
She needs to pull it together.
BETH HOYT: I don't think this is for me.
I think I've got to quit.
I think I'm done.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

-Yeah, dude.
Why did you [BLEEP]
book this?
Why am I doing this?
She's in the hallway crying.

VALERIE SALGADO: I'm just doing a favor for a friend.
That's all it is, really.
RETTA: The choreographer's fine.
She's great.
I mean, she can't make it any simpler.
Unless we just stand there and clap hands.
I'll be nice.
Ugh.

Beth.
No, come back.
It's fine.
BETH HOYT: It just felt really good when Retta
reached out to me.
RETTA: You're great.
BETH HOYT: I was having a bad time.
VALERIE SALGADO: Well, after working on it a little bit, I
made the choice to simplify a bit.
RETTA: Well, we've pared it down and made it simpler.
So I think she'll be OK.
She'll be fine.
She'll be fine.
It's simpler, so it'll be good.
I'm so concerned about you touching me.
I'm like trying to do--
BETH HOYT: Oh.
Retta--
we just nailed it, first of all.
And she just reminded me of why we're doing this in the
first place.
And it's just to dance.
It's because dancing feels so good.

To have the courage to succeed, you must have the
courage to fail.
I wrote that.
However our performance turns out today, I am proud of the
both of us.
Mostly myself.
OK, I'm going to keep it together.
In three minutes, Retta's going to be live right here.
So send us your comments and your questions now, now, now.
Do it now.
But first, we've got another My Damn Channel original
comedy premiere.
It's from Junior Varsity.
It's the Linked Out series with Scuri.

-Hey, man.
I had an accident in my head.
-Oh, wow.
-Can you please call 911 for me?
-Actually, check this out.
Hi, Scuri?
Please call 911.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Calling Mom.
-No, call 911.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Calling Mom now.
-No, no, no.
Call 911.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Your eye is going numb.
-No.
911.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Searching for plums.
-Jesus Christ, just dial 911.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Please hold.
-You believe this?
-What?
-Hey, how's my car doing, by the way?
-It's fine.
I just--
I'm losing a lot of blood.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Hi, this is Scuri.
-Oh, Scuri.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Unfortunately, I'm away from
the phone right now.
-Son of a--
-I think I might pass out.
-Hey, could you just give me a minute.
Scuri!
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Please remain calm.
-Please call 911.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Requesting apology.
-Apology?
For what?
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Offensive tone.
Scuri insulted.
-Oh my god.
-Maybe you should just apologize.
-No way.
Nope.
Not going to happen.
Sorry.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Apology accepted.
-Wait.
No, no, no.
That apology was for him, not for you.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Dialing 911.
-Cancel the call.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Dialing 911.
-Cancel it.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Canceling call.
-Finally.
Jesus.
Something goes right.
-Oh, shit.
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): You're next, Dean.
-What?
SCURI (OFFSCREEN): Scuri self-destructing in five,
four, three, two, one.

-(SINGING) Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.

Brains.

Brains.
Brains.
Brains.

Brains.
Brains!
Brains!
Brains.

Brains.

Brains!
Brains!
Brains!
Brains!
Brains!

Brains.
Brains.
Brains.
Brains.

(WHISPERING) Brains.

-Darling, did you know we're live right now?
-I did.
It's fantastic, Jerry.
-You know what else is fantastic?
I had the boys in the back rig up this virtual censor bar I
can throw across your mouth if you want to start swearing.
-Oh.
-What's your favorite cuss word?
-Well, ff--
-I'm so sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hey, guys.
Hey, extreme 29.
You don't believe this is live?
Do you believe now?
OK.
You guys, look who's here.
It's Retta.
Retta is a comedian and an actress.
And you probably know her from NBC's Parks and Rec.
She plays Donna.
I think of her as my dance partner, my BFF.
RETTA: Yes.
OK, sure.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Retta, thank you so much for being here.
RETTA: No problem.
BETH HOYT: This is awesome.
Now, one of my favorite things you did in the show-- and I'm
sure I'm not alone in this--
is the treat yourself episode with you and Aziz and Adam
Scott's characters.
So we thought in honor of that and your presence, we would
treat you today.
So Brett, if you could just--
and I'm also treating myself, too.
RETTA: Hello.
BETH HOYT: Hi there.
RETTA: Shirtless.
BETH HOYT: Hi, there.
BRETT: How you doing?
BETH HOYT: Hey.
Thank you.
BRETT: Enjoy.
BETH HOYT: Cheers.
RETTA: Cheers.
BETH HOYT: All right.
So you guys just talk amongst yourselves.
We're just going to drink.
No.
Retta, when did you become a one-name person?
When did that happen, when you're like, don't need that?
RETTA: I started stand-up in North Carolina.
And my full name is Marietta Sirleaf.
And when the MC came up and said, who's next?
I said, I am.
He said, what's your name?
I said, Marietta Sirlead.
He was like, what?
I was like, uh, just Retta.
And that's how I got just Retta.
BETH HOYT: Where is Retta in Marietta Sirleaf?
RETTA: In Georgia, they pronounce it May-retta.
BETH HOYT: Oh, May-retta.
Yeah.
I just proved how far from Georgia I am.
That's a great story.
RETTA: Sure.
BETH HOYT: So Parks and Rec, it's one of the most
consistently funny shows on TV.
And are you guys constantly cracking each other up?
How often did you take breaks from--
I'm sorry, I'm getting weak.
Can we just have some nourishment?
I'm just needing something else to--
how often are you guys crack-- oh, that makes me feel-- yeah,
I'm excited.
How often do you guys crack each other up and you just
can't even complete a scene?
Do you feel like you lose a lot of time on set from that?
RETTA: Yeah, but it's worth it.
Because if you're happy with a job, you'll never work.
I think that's that saying.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
RETTA: If you love what you'll do, you'll never work
a day in your life.
BETH HOYT: God, that's good.
Here she is speaking the words of wisdom.
The camera finds you so well on Parks and Rec and just
finds your subtle little eye movement.
And you're so hilarious in the subtlest ways.
Does that happen often, like through improv scenes?
Yeah, like that.
RETTA: I think it's because I don't have a lot of dialogue.
So I feel like--
BETH HOYT: You just can speak it.
Do they find you or do they script that in when they find
your eyes like that?
RETTA: Oh, no.
They find you.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
RETTA: Yeah.
It's not usually scripted.
BETH HOYT: That must feel great to just know that
they're looking out for that and you can just throw that.
RETTA: Well, I'm a camera whore, so I'm
always looking for it.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
That's good.
So being on TV is awesome and that show is just-- did you
know from the beginning that that was going to
be a special show?
RETTA: Well, because Amy Poehler was a part of it, I
thought it might be.
BETH HOYT: That's a little hint.
RETTA: But you never know.
Especially since our numbers are not what--
BETH HOYT: Reflective of the amazingness?
RETTA: Yeah.
I feel like the Nielsens are no longer a good test as to
whether people are watching because we have so many fans.
And I feel like our demographic watches online
more and that sort of thing.
BETH HOYT: Exactly.
I mean these people-- you kids know about this.
RETTA: Exactly.
BETH HOYT: Can we get something sweet too, Brett?
I'm sorry.
I'd just like to wash down the little finger
sandwiches which are sweet.
RETTA: Look at that.
BETH HOYT: So It's great to be on a TV show
and that feels good.
But do you miss doing stand-up?
RETTA: I do.
But I'm actually getting back into it this hiatus.
BETH HOYT: Right.
You're in New York doing stand-up all week long?
Every night?
RETTA: Five shows.
Every night, yeah.
BETH HOYT: You're working it.
RETTA: Yeah.
I'm trying.
BETH HOYT: So you said earlier that when you first started in
New York doing stand-up, the crowds intimidated you.
What is it about the New York crowds that was intimidating?
RETTA: I was told that it was probably a tourist crowd.
And they didn't necessarily get it.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
RETTA: But I've only done stand-up twice
in New York in clubs.
BETH HOYT: Thank you.
Want one more?
RETTA: No, I'm good.
Thank you.
BETH HOYT: I'm sorry.
I had a tough day.
Do you ever do stand-up in LA?
RETTA: Yes, I do.
BETH HOYT: How are the locals there different from New York
locals in stand-up?
RETTA: Oh, I don't know that they're that different.
BETH HOYT: OK, that's fair.
If they're not that different, you don't need to find a
difference.
Do you write down your sets?
Do you change it up?
Do you write down on a piece of paper?
What's your process?
RETTA: Each bit has a name.
So I usually write a list of bits that I'm going to try to
get into the set depending on how long the set is.
Unless I'm doing new stuff, in which case I have to write
down key points in the bit.
But I try not to use it on stage.
I try to just memorize it before I get up there.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Do you do it to yourself, like in your hotel room?
RETTA: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
Do you ever do it walking down the street and pretending
you're on the phone?
RETTA: No.
BETH HOYT: That'd be crazy.
RETTA: That's just crazy.
BETH HOYT: That'd be super weird.
Gosh, it's hot in here, though.
Are you feeling warm?
RETTA: It's a little warm.
I don't know if it's the champagne or what.
But it is a little warm.
BETH HOYT: Can you help us out?
It's hot.
RETTA: Oh, so you bring a fan.
BETH HOYT: There's peanut butter in this.
RETTA: All right.
Oh, is it?
BETH HOYT: That was awesome.
Do people ever stop you in the street--
I'm sure this happens-- and tell you to treat yourself?
RETTA: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: How often?
Once a day?
Three times a day?
That feels great, Brett.
Thank you.
RETTA: I probably get it three or four times a day, depending
on where I'm at.
If I stay home, then no, I don't.
BETH HOYT: What do you do?
People just yelling at your window.
You're like, yes.
What do you do when they do that?
Are you like, I'm working on it?
RETTA: Yeah.
I'm like, I'm on my way.
The mall's right around the corner,
about to make it happen.
BETH HOYT: You were saying that you've been doing
stand-up every night and you don't have time for dinner
because you're literally doing a show every
night in New York City.
You were telling me your lineup.
It's intense.

Have you gone to dinner at some good New
York places late night?
RETTA: No.

I did get to eat at Benny's Burritos last night.
BETH HOYT: We were just going to go there as a My Damn
Channel crew.
We didn't.
But--
RETTA: Because it was across the street from one of the
places I was supposed to perform.
BETH HOYT: How was it?
Did you have a good burrito?
RETTA: Yeah, it was pretty decent.
I don't normally like Mexican food.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
You branched out and you treated yourself.
I'm doing it.
I'm drunk.
Also, I'm just super tight because I popped a rib out
during our dance piece.
RETTA: Yeah.
I know.
You didn't pop it doing the dance piece.
BETH HOYT: I think I broke a rib.
RETTA: You popped it celebrating having done it.
BETH HOYT: It was.
It was actually when I hugged the choreographer.
RETTA: How do you hurt yourself hugging Valerie?
I don't know.
BETH HOYT: It's because she's got a tight little
choreographer's shoulder.
And it went right in my rib cage and it popped.
And then I picked her up.
RETTA: I like that you keep saying ribcage
and pointing here.
BETH HOYT: Well, it's in a tender spot.
And I think my lung is punctured.
But it was worth it.
RETTA: I'm pretty sure you're OK.
BETH HOYT: It was so worth it.
But I'm so tight.
Brett, could you just get up in there and just work it out?
RETTA: What do they call this when the hair is in a line?
BETH HOYT: No.
I want to touch a little of this here too.
RETTA: What do they call that?
Isn't there a name for that?
BETH HOYT: He doesn't speak.
RETTA: Oh, OK.
BETH HOYT: We'll ask him about it later.
RETTA: It's all right.
BETH HOYT: I speak.
The girl with the peanut butter in her voice.
She's the one that gets to speak.
Do we know the name of that?
We'll find out.
Tell us what the name of what that is, when the hair comes
to a widow's peak on the chest.
RETTA: A widow's peak.
BETH HOYT: The man's widow's peak.
Oh, man.
Thanks, Retta.
It was nice to chat with you after all that dancing and
hard work and just really hang out.
You're such a cool lady.
Get up on Retta a little bit.
She needs a little bit of that, too.
RETTA: Can I get some?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, she needs some, too.
Man, I needed to loosen up.
I need to loosen up mentally for our big number later.
Wow, I can't think.
My brain is jumping out of my head.
I'm really nervous about later.
Are you?
RETTA: No.
BETH HOYT: Can you go hit up Retta a little
bit with some massage?
Retta and I are going to dig into Twitter and our live
comments page when we come back.
So right now, send in your questions.
In the meantime, it's Captain Hippo's Product
Displacement series.
RETTA: Feels good.
BETH HOYT: Oh, man.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Has this ever happened to you?
Traditional garbage cans have maimed and disfigured dozens
of people around the world.
Even worse, with a normal garbage can, it often takes
one, two, three tries to get your garbage into the can.
-[BLEEP].
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): That's why we invented the
human garbage can.
For only $8.99 a month, we will supply you with a
board-certified human garbage can.
Just hand them your trash and they'll take care of the rest.
No mess, no fuss, and no more tears.
Cat litter, baked ziti, toilet drippings--
the human garbage can can handle it all.
Don't worry, they'll never judge.
These cans are completely self-sufficient.
Exemplary service 24 hours a day.
Each human garbage can comes with a two-year
manufacturer's warranty.
We'll replace a defective can no questions asked.

Order yours today.
It is against company policy to sexually engage with a
human garbage can.

-You know what this party needs?
-I'm not sure, Miss.
-Dancing.
You got a Ghetto Blaster?
-I got a boombox.
-Same thing.
Can I borrow it?
-Oh, I don't know.
I got my iPod in it.
-Give me your goddamn music machine, Eugene.

-We're the Gregory Brothers.
And you're watching (SINGING) My Damn Channel LIVE.

BETH HOYT: You guys, we're back.
It's time to get into your comments.
Also, we all just conversed about the hair trail.
Brett, can you?
And we all decided that it's the man trail.
What did you say?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Happy trail.
BETH HOYT: Happy trail.
But Brett's is kind of the Appalachian Trail.
That's what we think.
Because it starts-- you know.
So don't worry.
Anyway, this is from you guys.
We have a tweet from you guys.
We wanted to address yours.
This is from TJSzycho.

"Yes!
Does Retta improv her lines much?
I swear she does, her delivery is so natural.
She's a hoot!"
RETTA: I'm a hoot.
I got that twice yesterday.
BETH HOYT: That's true.
RETTA: Sometimes.
The line in the water balloon episode, the water fight
episode, where I say, do I look like I drink water?
That was improvised.
BETH HOYT: Amazing.
That's my favorite of your lines.
RETTA: But most of the times it's just the scripted stuff
that gets on.
BETH HOYT: Well, they need to pay you more because that's my
favorite line.
Next tweet is from KristenApp--
A-P-P. "On Parks and Rec, Donna gives
tons of dating advice.
Any chance we're going to see her on a date?"
That's a good question.
RETTA: I'm hoping.
I'm hoping.
And she just followed me.
She must have been one of your followers because I just saw
that she just started following me.
This is live.
BETH HOYT: See?
What's your name, extreme--
RETTA: Extreme29.
BETH HOYT: Come on.
Another Twitter, another Twitter question from Lily
O'Mara is, "what went down between Lavondrius and Donna?
Also, Ginuwine needs to make a cameo.
Make it happen, Retta."
RETTA: I believe Ginuwine wants to be on the show.
So there's a chance he'll get on if we can schedule it.
Lavondrius borrowed my car--
you know, the Benz-o--
and didn't bring it back in time.
And so you don't mess with my ride.
BETH HOYT: Right.
RETTA: And so we have issues.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you're done.
Comment from YouTube is from trulyblonde237, "Donna Meagle
is my spirit animal."
RETTA: I get that a lot.
BETH HOYT: You do?
RETTA: I get that a lot.
Yeah.
BETH HOYT: How do you feel about that?
RETTA: I thought it was weird at first.
I didn't know that was a thing.
And I was like, what is that?
Don't call me an animal.
What does that mean?
BETH HOYT: Then you'll like, oh, you're welcome.
RETTA: Then I heard that it was something cool.
So I accept it.
BETH HOYT: That's great.
That's very cool.
Another comment from YouTube is from CallMeCarson.
"For Retta--
Is Aziz Anzari-- did I spell that right, haha--
as funny in person as he is on the show?" Yeah,
so first part, no.
RETTA: You did not spell that right.
BETH HOYT: It's OK.
RETTA: Their last name has an S. And he's way
hilarious in person.
BETH HOYT: It's true.
Yeah.
RETTA: You know Aziz?
BETH HOYT: Well, no.
But I mean, I'm a pretty good judge of how people are.
RETTA: OK, got it.

BETH HOYT: Another tweet is from--
RETTA: Lady Presh Presh.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
"Your skin is so amazing.
Any secrets or just lucky?"
RETTA: Just lucky.
I get it from my mother.
But I will say, I use FX Powder on my face.
BETH HOYT: Get those plugs in there.
Get them in.
Get them in.
And also, if you don't already, just send her more of
the products.
She deserves it.
RETTA: Please.
BETH HOYT: A tweet from Bekah Burroughs.
"Do you relate to your character on Parks and Rec?"
What percentage is Retta--
hi, prepositions.
What percentage of--
RETTA: Donna.
BETH HOYT: --of Retta is Donna?
RETTA: Oh, what percentage of Retta is Donna?
Um, Probably 50%.
BETH HOYT: Yeah?
RETTA: Yeah.
The only thing I don't vibe on is the hair and the clothes.
Because she dresses like she lives in Pawnee.
And I refuse to dress like I live in Pawnee.
BETH HOYT: I mean, clearly.
That's a good thing to keep in the
character zone, that wardrobe.
One more tweet.
This is from BlueGray11.
"For Retta--
if a wizard turned the Parks and Rec cast into various
animals, what would they be?
Don't exclude Jerry."
RETTA: What would they be?
Um, Ron Swanson would be a badger.
I think that Tom Haverford would be
a very fancy squirrel.
BETH HOYT: Like with a tie?
Like a little bit disheveled tie?
RETTA: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Like a fashionable tie.
RETTA: Of course.
BETH HOYT: Not a--
RETTA: Not a skinny tie.
BETH HOYT: I'm sorry.
Continue.
RETTA: Leslie Knope would be a very eager rabbit.

BETH HOYT: A lot of woodland creatures.
Of course, because it's Indiana.
RETTA: Right.
And Jerry would be a sloth.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
And what would you be?
RETTA: What would I be?
A sexy fox.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
Well, you didn't have to include the sexy.
That's implied.
We like that.
Of course.
RETTA: Yes.
Sexy fox.
BETH HOYT: Oh, man.
You guys, thank you for sending those in.
We would answer them all day, but we can't because it's a
half an hour show.
But we'll be hanging out afterward on Twitter.
So hit me up @thebethhoyt with all of your questions,
concerns, and queries-- which are
really just fancy questions.
We're getting dangerously close to our live dance
performance.
So we need to fill up on energy calories.
But it's another episode right now of the shortest comedy
series on the internet.
It's The Jon Friedman Internet Program on the World Wide Web.
THEME SONG: It's The Jon Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.
[MODEM]

-OK.
Sure.
THEME SONG: It's The Jon Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Workless.
-I spend the whole night drinking.
-Hey, Alex?
Do you mind turning the radio off?
I have a lot of work to do.
-Oh, yeah.
Right after this song.

-I'm serious.
I have a ton of work to do.
Would you please turn it off?
-It's not even that loud, Jen.
I mean, it's just the one song.

-Please.

I'm serious.
-I'm serious.
-Turn it off.
-Make me.
-Just turn it--
turn it off, Alex.
This is immature.
-All right.
-What are you doing?
Turn it off.
Bitch.
-I'm sorry.
Did you just call me a bitch?
-Yeah, I did, pussy.
-All right.

-You're in my house.
-What?
I turned it off.
You can't just sucker punch me.
What am I supposed to do?
-Fight like a man, bitch.
-All right.
OK.
You wanted it, you got it.
Let's see what you got.
I've been waiting for this.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-I dream about this.
-OK.
-I will fucking destroy you.
-Come on, let's see what you got, Loke.
Oh.
All right, go to sleep.
[SCREAMING]
-Hey, what are you guys doing?
-She tried to turn off my radio.
-Alex is a prick.
-This is not how you settle things.
Now let's do this clean and fair.
Ultimate Fighting rules.
No biting, no hitting below the belt,
and no office equipment.
Let's get it on.
-Come on, right here.
Right here.
-All right.
OK.
You don't touch my radio.
[SCREAMING]
-Ow.
Ah, you said no biting.
-OK.
Come on, now.
-It looks like Alex and Jen are finally
going to settle things.
-I got $20 on Jen.
-I tell you, I will take that.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Hit her in the face.
-Ah!
-Come on.
Come on.
-Hey, I said no office equipment.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Does she tap?
-I'm done.
I'm done.
-It's over.
Fuck you.
-Get this cleaned up.
-Who taps out after going off the top rope?
-That ho right there.
-Fucking.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): I hate her.
-Hey, good work here today.
Really good.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
Thank you.

-You don't touch my radio.
-OK.
-You don't touch my radio.
-OK.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): Get off of my internet.

[CLOCK TICKING]

BETH HOYT: Did you see that, guys?
The Webby award-winning series You Suck at Photoshop is back
on My Damn Channel.
And we have a brand new episode next
Wednesday on the big show.
Yay.
OK, this is it.
It's the big dance number.
Are you ready Retta?
RETTA: I am.
BETH HOYT: Wish us luck.

RETTA: Ready?
[SWING MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you so much.
RETTA: Oh, thank you.
Flowers?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, thank you.
Oh my gosh.
You guys, I didn't even know it happened.
Did it even happen?
My heart is beating outside of my chest.
We did it.
Thank you so much, Retta, for being here.
RETTA: That almost broke me.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
I'm so thrilled right now.
RETTA: Brett, I think I'm going to need that fan.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, man.
Bring that-- gosh, you guys, that was thrilling.
Daily Grace is here tomorrow.
I'm back on Friday.
Next Wednesday Eugene Mirman will be my special guest.
Thank you for watching.
Whatever you're feeling, just dance it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]