Beth of the Week - 5/4/12 (FULL EP)

Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 04.05.2012


BETH HOYT: Beastie Boys known to let the beat.


Hey guys, we made it to Friday.
Our buddy, Mark Malkoff, is spending this month watching
250 Netflix movies.
Did you know that?
He's really getting his bang for his buck there.
Um, today he's watching movies recommended by readers.
And he live blogged it.
Check it out on Mashable.
And he wants you to send him movie suggestions off Netflix
to Mark Malkoff.
Do that, because he's just at home watching these movies.
Tomorrow's a big day, you guys, Cinco de
Mayo and derby day.
Did you get a hat yet?
Did you go to a milliner?
Were you in Hello Dolly in high school and that's why you
know what a milliner is?
Were you not and so you don't?
It's a hat store.
Isn't that cute?
You know what else is cute?
Kittens, duh.
Unfortunately, I had no kittens on
this show this week.
But I did do all this stuff.
It's the Beth of the Week.
BETH HOYT: Uh, I'm going to do a record with your name too,
but I'm going to go for the world's shortest.
Are you guys ready?
Hey you guys, it's Tuesday.
And that means everyone here is a little hung over.
Also, I thought Gooney was a gremlin, so I kept waiting for
creature to come out.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: 500 calories.
BETH HOYT: Well, two- 200 usually.
FEMALE SPEAKER 1: Oh, 200 calories.
BETH HOYT: Be a bridesmaid in the beautiful wedding for a
good friend.
And then do it again.
And then do it again.
And then do it again.
One more time.
And then-- yep.
and then do it again.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: I don't think this is for me.
I think I- I've got to quit.
BETH HOYT: Are you having a nice day?
Stay in bed.
That sounds nice.
I'm jealous.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What do they call this when the hair is--
BETH HOYT: I'm going to touch a little bit of this here too.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: --in a line.
BETH HOYT: Like this?
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: What do they call that?
Don't they-- isn't there a name for that?
BETH HOYT: He doesn't speak.
All I wanted, all I need is to eat some pizza with you.
BETH HOYT: Thank you for watching and for
commenting all week.
Um, here's my favorite comment from this week.
It is from CallMeCarson.
"My brother used to dress me up as a Geisha
when I was a baby.
Almost as bad as being put in a box.
Ha, ha." That's in reference to this picture of me.
But a worst scenario?
I like how he just laughed it off though.
All right, it's debatable.
I don't know, Geisha, box.
I don't know.
Thanks to those of you that have been sending in your
favorite YouTube videos.
I love putting them in my list of my favorite YouTube videos.
And I really love showing your videos on this show so
everyone else can see, along with the personal clip from
you when you talk it up.
Send those to me, to this.
Um, here's Brian's favorite video.
Check it out.
BRIAN: Hey Beth, uh, this is Brian here.
I want to send you one of my favorite YouTube videos.
This is called "Baby Eating Chili to Dubstep."
There's not a lot of deeper meaning in the title.
That's exactly what it is.
Brrm, brrm, brrm, brrm.
Base-hitting dubstep is in the back.
And it's like just this real Skrillex heavy just vibe
coming at her.
And she's just getting down to it, really just going to town
on those beans and sauces there in the chili, feeling
each little- little base hit.
She keeps stopping and just sort of gingerly wipe her
mouth off, fully aware that she has this camera on her,
that she's performing.
That's competition.
You watch your back, Miss Hoyt.
She's going to be taking your job in
probably about two years.
I predict that.
This is the future.
This is the youth of tomorrow.
Ah, so it's so much fun.
It makes me wish, um, that I had chili, and that I had
dubstep, and that I was a baby again.
Thank you, Beth.
I-- have a good day.

MALE SPEAKER 1: Is it over?
Oh yeah, uh, whatever.
I'm starving.

MALE SPEAKER 1: Honey, my god, you're OK.
I will never let you go through that again.
FEMALE SPEAKER 4: What are you talking about?
They're coming back tomorrow.
BETH HOYT: That's a taste of the latest
Co-op of the Damned.
We'll be watching that together next Wednesday.
Do you have plans this weekend for a double or triple date?
I hope you learned some lessons from Daddy Knows Best.
Does he though know best?
This one's called game night.
NANCY: A penis, Dirty- Dirty Sanchez, a mo- money shot.
PHIL: A money shot.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I said that too, money shot.
NANCY: I got it.
EMILY: Nice.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: I told you porno Pictionary
was the way to go.
PHIL: Hey, why don't we kick it up a notch and make this
into a swinger's party?
EMILY: Oh, yeah, yeah.
NANCY: What?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That little filly.

PHIL: What are you talking about?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: For the swinger's party, I thought we
were choosing like draft picks.
That was a joke, Steve.
No, I totally--
ha, ha, ha--
I get that.
I was kidding too.
I would--
I'm not even attracted to Nancy.
So uck.
PHIL: So now my wife's unattractive.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: On the contrary, my friend.
Your wife's smoking hot.
And if I were single, I would be, prrt, in that.
EMILY: Oh yeah?
PHIL: Wow.
EMILY: Oh yeah, you would just--
No, Steve--
EMILY: --you would do that?
NANCY: --actually, you're the last person in this room that
I'd want to have sex with.
NANCY: Yeah.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You know Brad's here, right?
Have you met Brad?
Sitting right over there.
NANCY: Yeah, I met Brad.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: You're telling me you would have sex
with Brad before you had sex with moi?
EMILY: Yeah.
Yeah, you know what though?
You'd have to get behind me in line though, because I would
totally hit that.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh, I would totally hit that.
Look at me.
Everybody's getting on the Brad wagon.
EMILY: Yeah, Steve.
OK, he's smart.
He's sophisticated.
And he speaks three languages.
It's very sexy.
MALE SPEAKER 5: Well, two and a half, Spanish, French, and
soupcon of Klingon.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That's not even a language.
What are we talking about?
Phil, can you do me a favor and help me out here.
Help a brother out.
PHIL: What am I going to say?
Brad's awesome.
I got to agree with the girls.
You know, I--
he's pretty attractive.
And if I was going to have a relationship with a man, if I
was going to experiment, I'd want Brad to be my first.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Oh dear, Jesus Christ.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Are you telling me right--
you're looking at me and telling me you would have sex
with Brad before you let me enter you as your first?
PHIL: Yes.
You're aggressive.
You- you would--
I feel like you would hurt me down there.
EMILY: You have no idea.
PHIL: Yeah.
You're like a bull in a china shop.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Damn right I would wreck you.
You know what's wrecking me right now?
All this talk about Brad being better than me in bed.
You have no idea what I have to offer.
You see this move, Brad?
You cannot even fathom what this move is.
EMILY: No Steve, don't do this.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Nancy, stare at my face right now.
Watch, double time.
Emily, boop, boop, boop, boop.
EMILY: No, honey, no.
Just stop, Steve.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, I will not stop, because Brad started
this with his macho atmosphere.
You want to have a hump off?
BRAD: I'm not going to hump the air.
I'm Too busy humping my wife.
Wow, lucky her.
NANCY: No more, OK?
No, no, no.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: How about that?
Four and a half inches, cut, no VD's, grade-A meat.
PHIL: That's- that's enough.
That's it.
You crossed the line, Steven.
NANCY: It- it's time for you to go.
PHIL: Get the fuck out.
EMILY: I am so sorry.
I'm sorry- sorry.
No, we're not sorry, opposite of sorry.
EMILY: Are you happy, Steve?
Are you happy?
STEVE RANNAZZISI: No, I'm not happy.
EMILY: Oh really, so you're sorry finally?
They didn't even let me show them my go-to move, the hot
toboggan where I do the whirly-twirl.
I'm going to go back and show Brad.
EMILY: Just stop.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: That'll put me over the top.
Hey Brad, check this one out.
EMILY: Oh, god.
ELDERLY LADY: Thank you for coming.
EMT: (SNGING) Who you gonna call when you have a fall?
You gonna call the folks that give help to all.
You just push the button on your sexy necklace.
And you'll call the nice people at Life-Assist.
We get your call at our office in Century Plaza, where we'll
locate your house and we'll come right over.
Ma'am, we're sending someone there right away.
Everything is going to be A-OK.
Life Assist, we're going to pick you up.
Life Assist, we're going to fix you up.
Make room for this [INAUDIBLE], because I'm
bringing my boys.
We've got to bring the party, so y'all make some noise.
We got that champagne flowing, got [INAUDIBLE]
We're going to get fucked up.
No one trying to stop me.
Everybody jump. this is going all night.
But don't take it from me.
Hit it MC Dynamite.
All you mother fuckers gonna die tonight.
I'll whip it out and make you shorties want to cry tonight.
While you sit in your seat, I'll make you suck on my meat.
We gonna hump 'til I burst like dynamite.
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Life Assist, you filthy bitches, office
is at Century Plaza.
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
Come on everybody, get up.
Come on everybody, stand up.
ALL [SINGING]: Life Assist, Life Assist,
assisting your life.

ELDERLY LADY: Oh, oh, oh.
BETH HOYT: Kids and adults, we made it to the end of Friday.
And you know that means.
It's time for lessons learned with Beth Hoyt.
Lesson one, when someone says, I had this crazy dream last
night, that's your cue to find an excuse to leave the room.
Because once they start describing, you can't leave.
And you don't care.

Lesson two, three words, regrettable deviled eggs
ingested, uh, four words.
Lesson three, when you drink champagne on a set, it's not
just a prop.
It's alcohol.
You've been warned.

Lesson four, hugging can lead to broken ribs or maybe just a
bruised muscle.
Or maybe you're just a wimp.
Don't hug.
Lesson five, a milliner is a person who makes hats.
Lesson five, part two, there are some fun games you can get
on your smartphone to help your short-term memory.
I don't remember what they are.
That's all for today's show.
Have a great weekend.
I'll see you again on Monday at 4:00 PM Eastern, and
Tuesday at that time and Wednesday with brand new My
Damn Channel original comedy series and special guest,
Kristen Schaal, and then Thursday at
four, with Daily Grace.
And then it'll be Friday again.
Thank you for watching.
This one goes out for MCA, with respect and love for you
and your family.
And we miss you.
We'll miss you.
And, um, this is for you.
And you guys, thanks for watching today.
You can take off your sunglasses now.