Ep 11 - The Method pt2 - 12-STEPS TO RECOVERY

DANI Jasmine, Parrish. Parrish, Jasmine.
JASMINE Hola Parrish
PARRISH Holaaaa! Dani didn’t do you justice
in her description. She made it sound like you were Amish or something.
JASMINE She did? Well don’t let the clothes
fool you. I love the lord.
PARRISH They doing a revival at Club Cheetah?
JASMINE That’s funny Parrish. I think we’ll get
along just fine. In a wholesome kind of way.
EDDIE Yo yo yo. What it be y’all? Eddie
Money is in the hizzy.
ALL What the hell?
EDDIE Hey Jas, what’s poppin ma? Sorry
I’m late, but these crackas at my gig be hatin’ on a brotha. They
know I be grinding. They let that little Harry Potter looking Clark
leave early for his wife’s dialysis. But they can’t let me go to my
auditions? Psst, I had to check em’. You know how we do don’t you Bro?
PARRISH Are you serious? Let me guess, you’re
from the hood and grew up drinking grape soda and eating pork skins.
EDDIE Naw son, I don’t mess with no swine
or carbonated drinks. Maybe you need to check out How To Eat To Live by
the Honorable Elijah Muhammad. It’ll get you right.
PARRISH Excuse me for a minute.
JASMINE What the hell are you doing?
EDDIE What B?
JASMINE Don’t what B me. What’s up with this
Flava Flav talk?
EDDIE Yo, I gots cast in the Lazarus role
of Tropic Thunder in an off-Broadway production. If Downey Jr. can do it,
I can do it better. Rehearsal is in the a.m. so I gotta get right. You
feel me sweet cheeks.
JASMINE I just want to scratch your eyes out
right now. You better not embarrass me more than you have already. C’mon
brotha man.
PARRISH (CONT’D) What’s up with this fake ass Robin
Thicke? You gonna go on this date?
DANI Look, he’s here now and so is Jasmin.
Lets just go with the flow. Please!
PARRISH For you Dani. Only for you.
EDDIE Chew stick my brotha? It’s peppermint.
Good for taming the dragon.
PARRISH Lord Jesus give me strength.
JASMINE Oh my God, I sing that jingle all
the time. I can’t believe I’m with a true celebrity.
PARRISH Not quite. It’s been a blessing to
get residual pay, but I don’t want to be known as the Jingle guy. I’m
a damn good actor.
JASMINE Such confidence. You need it in this
cutthroat business we’ve chosen. (Beat) So Mr. Diaz, you’ve gone on
a number dates so far. How do I stack up to the others?
PARRISH Putting me on the spot huh? Well they
were all nice looking, interesting, some not quite my cup of tea. As far
as you, you’re one of the prettiest and you seem sane.
JASMINE Thank you. My crazy comes out after a
little tequila.
PARRISH So you’re like a Gremlin? Mental
note, don’t feed tequila to Latina.
JASMINE Ha ha. You make me laugh Parrish.
I’m curious. Why haven’t you and Dani dated? You two seem to have a great
friendship and she’s cute as a button.
PARRISH Well you’ve said it. We’re friends.
JASMINE Friends make the better lovers.
PARRISH Excuse me?
JASMINE I mean friendship is the foundation
of a loving relationship, which shouldn’t be consummated until marriage.
EDDIE The homies get it twisted all the time.
Thinking I can’t hold mine down. But I ain’t no Richie Cunningham poot-butt,
letterman. I represent and keep it real. Feel me?
DANI Yes, I feel you.
EDDIE Look, boo, I puts it on the table and
let it do it’s thang. I’m feeling the sista gurl, motherland look. Your face
is like burnt sunshine over a Brooklyn projects and you’s phatter than a
Jamaican tomato.
DANI Stop. Just stop it. Look Eddie, this
here ain’t happening, ok? We’re just not right for each other. Lets keep it
friendly and enjoy the outing.
EDDIE Oh damn, shorty gon’ play a brotha
like that? I bet it’s cuz I’m light-skinned. Well that’s okay. I
can’t date a sista that ain’t read Soul on Ice anyway. To roll with me
you gotta be willing to stick it to the man.
PARRISH What’s up Jasmine? You’ve asked me
more questions about Dani and I than sharing things about yourself.
JASMINE I just want to make sure I don’t
enter a funny situation. Dani’s my girl and if you have a thing for her,
I need to know.
PARRISH Do you really think she’d hook me up
with you if we did? This dating thing was her and Blue’s brainchild.
JASMINE Oh my goodness. Look at him. He’s
so precious. Are you lost mister?
PARRISH You sure it’s not a female? That outfit
looks pretty flamboyant and shinny.
JASMINE It’s actually reflecting light and his
little pee pee says it’s a boy.
DR. FONDUE (O.S.) Truffant. Where are you Mon petit copain?
JASMINE Parrish, what’s wrong? You look like
you’ve seen a ghost.
PARRISH More like a French ghost. It can’t be.
JASMINE What?
DR. FONDUE (O.S.) I have truffles, your favorite.
DR. FONDUE (CONT’D) Oh my, you’ve found my Truffant.
PARRISH Well well, if it isn’t Dr. Fondouchebag.
DR. FONDUE Now now, you stay away from me you
gangbanging jingle writer.
JASMINE Parrish, you know this French guy?
PARRISH French? He’s as French as a plate of
French Fries. No, this is the obnoxious friend to the crazy French girl Dani
set me up with.
DR. FONDUE Manalé informed us of your manners.
You think just because Hussein Obama strong-armed the presidency, you male
Negroes can chest-bump your way through indecent behavior?
JASMINE Did he just say what I think he did?
PARRISH I see you got your fancy shoes on.
Why don’t you watusi your ass back to Detroit, Motown style
And take your bourgeois dog with you.
DR. FONDUE That’s my Truffant. Viva La France!
PARRISH What the heck are you laughing about?
That little bastard pissed on me.
JASMINE I’m so sorry Parrish, but did you see
that idiot run in those tight shorts and shoes? George Jefferson eat your
heart out.
PARRISH I’m glad you’re tickled pink. I’m the
one standing here smelling like cheap French wine and snails.
JASMINE Ewwww, Parrish.
PARRISH I’d really like to have a do over
with our date? What do you say?
JASMINE Why not? I’m game.
DANI There you guys are. What’s so funny?
PARRISH I’ll tell you all about it at your place.
I gotta get out of this pissy shirt.
EDDIE I’m rolling with you my brother.
Yo, you down with Nikki Giovanni?
DANI Pissy shirt? Jasmine, what happened?
JASMINE I’ll tell you what’s not happening.
I refuse to play along with this game Dani. Parrish is a great guy.
You have one week to tell him how you feel or I’m going out with him.
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