President Obama at White House Correspondents Dinner

Uploaded by whitehouse on 01.05.2011

The President: All right, everybody, please have a seat.
My fellow Americans.
(laughter and applause)
It is wonderful to be here at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
What a week.
As some of you heard, the state of Hawaii released my official
long-form birth certificate.
Hopefully this puts all doubts to rest.
But just in case there are any lingering questions,
tonight I'm prepared to go a step further.
Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video.
Now, I warn you --
-- no one has seen this footage in 50 years, not even me.
But let's take a look.
("Secret Birth Video" plays) (Music "Circle of Life" plays)
Oh, well.
Back to square one.
I want to make clear to the Fox News table: That was a joke.
That was not my real birth video.
That was a children's cartoon.
Call Disney if you don't believe me.
They have the original long-form version.
Anyway, it's good to be back with so many esteemed guests.
Essential government employees.
Non-essential government employees.
You know who you are.
I am very much looking forward to hearing Seth Meyers tonight.
He's a young, fresh face who can do no wrong in the eyes of his fans.
Seth, enjoy it while it lasts.
Yes, I think it is fair to say that when it comes to my
presidency, the honeymoon is over.
For example, some people now suggest that I'm too professorial.
And I'd like to address that head-on,
by assigning all of you some reading that will help you draw
your own conclusions.
Others say that I'm arrogant.
But I've found a really great self-help tool for this: my poll numbers.
I've even let down my key core constituency: movie stars.
Just the other day, Matt Damon --
I love Matt Damon, love the guy --
Matt Damon said he was disappointed in my performance.
Well, Matt, I just saw "The Adjustment Bureau," so --
-- right back atcha, buddy.
(laughter and applause)
Of course, there's someone who I can always count on for support:
my wonderful wife Michelle.
We made a terrific team at the Easter Egg Roll this week.
I'd give out bags of candy to the kids,
and she'd snatch them right back out of their little hands.
Snatched them.
And where is the National Public Radio table?
You guys are still here?
That's good.
I couldn't remember where we landed on that.
Now, I know you were a little tense when the GOP tried to cut
your funding, but personally I was looking forward to new
programming like "No Things Considered" --
-- or "Wait, Wait... Don't Fund Me."
Of course, the deficit is a serious issue.
That's why Paul Ryan couldn't be here tonight.
His budget has no room for laughter.
Michele Bachmann is here, though, I understand,
and she is thinking about running for President,
which is weird because I hear she was born in Canada.
Yes, Michele, this is how it starts.
Just letting you know.
(laughter and applause)
Tim Pawlenty?
He seems all American.
But have you heard his real middle name?
Tim "Hosni" Pawlenty?
What a shame.
My buddy, our outstanding ambassador, Jon Huntsman,
is with us.
Now, there's something you might not know about Jon.
He didn't learn to speak Chinese to go there.
Oh no.
He learned English to come here.
(laughter and applause)
And then there's a vicious rumor floating around that I think
could really hurt Mitt Romney.
I heard he passed universal health care when he was governor
of Massachusetts.
Someone should get to the bottom of that.
And I know just the guy to do it --
Donald Trump is here tonight!
(laughter and applause)
Now, I know that he's taken some flak lately,
but no one is happier, no one is prouder to put this birth
certificate matter to rest than the Donald.
And that's because he can finally get back to focusing on
the issues that matter -- like, did we fake the moon landing?
What really happened in Roswell?
And where are Biggie and Tupac?
(laughter and applause)
But all kidding aside, obviously,
we all know about your credentials and breadth of experience.
For example -- no, seriously, just recently,
in an episode of Celebrity Apprentice --
-- at the steakhouse, the men's cooking team cooking did not
impress the judges from Omaha Steaks.
And there was a lot of blame to go around.
But you, Mr. Trump, recognized that the real problem was a lack
of leadership.
And so ultimately, you didn't blame Lil' Jon or Meatloaf.
You fired Gary Busey.
And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night.
(laughter and applause)
Well handled, sir.
Well handled.
Say what you will about Mr. Trump,
he certainly would bring some change to the White House.
Let's see what we've got up there.
(Screens show "Trump White House Resort and Casino.")
So, yes, this has been quite a year in politics,
but also in the movies.
Many people, for instance, were inspired by the King's Speech.
It's a wonderful film.
Well, some of you may not know this,
but there's now a sequel in the works that touches close to home.
And because this is a Hollywood crowd,
tonight I can offer a sneak peek.
So can we show the trailer, please?
Narrator: The following preview was begrudgingly approved for
all audiences by the President of the United States.
The film advertisement has been rated U, unwatchable.
(Music Playing)
The year is 2011.
And opposition rises.
Political Analyst: Congressional republicans could
force the federal government to shut down --
Narrator: And the President must face --
Chris Matthews: And republicans are serious about an amendment that would
eliminate funding -- this is serious business -- for the
President's teleprompter!
Narrator: His greatest challenge.
(Multiple reporters chatter)
From the people who brought you Universal Health Care and the
huge backlash to Universal Health Care comes the
incredible true story.
The President: As our economy added another 20 --blaaahhh --
to say that, they say that -- doing that will work blah,
blah, let's start over.
Savannah Guthrie: The President has lost his prompter.
Joe Lockhart, has he lost the magic?
Joe Lockhart: Savannah, he's gone from yes, we can; to no, I can't.
The President: I can't get that.
I will also -- I will also visit -- I will also visit Chile.
I will also visit Chile.
Let's try that again.
Narrator: In his darkest hour --
Background Voice: Mr. President, what are you going to do?
Narrator: -- the President turned to a man who never let prepared marks
stand in his way.
(music playing)
Vice President Biden: Axelrod wanted me to use the teleprompter but I told him
I'm much better when I wing it!
(Song: "yeah, baby, I like it raw.
"Yeah, baby, I like it raw.)
Vice President Biden: His mama lived in Long Island for ten years or so.
God rest her soul.
Although she's -- wait, your mom's still alive!
God bless her soul!
Narrator: And spoke from the heart.
(bleep) (applause)
Vice President Biden: I've never seen so many damn insurance commissioners.
Went to buy a 30-inch hedge clipper.
My, Lord, I'm not that old -- actually, I am.
Narrator: It's the story of friendship and the power of the human spirit.
The President: He has only two lines!
Vice President Biden: You're making me feel better, buddy.
Narrator: But mostly (record needle screech) it's this
- for two hours!
Vice President Biden: And someone we appreciate even more, Natalie Portman.
This is not on the teleprompter but she's a heck of a lot better
lookin' than Rahm Emanuel!
Narrator: This fiscal year join two-time Grammy Award Winner
Barack Obama.
The President: This is the coolest weekly address.
Narrator: Renowned vegetable enthusiast, Michelle Obama!
First Lady Michelle Obama: Hey, look, Sam, there's a carrot!
Narrator: And AMTRAK's Passenger of the Year three decades running,
Joe Biden.
Vice President Biden: There goes Biden again.
Narrator: As the President loses his teleprompter but
wins the future.
The President: Thank you!
Narrator: "The President's Speech."
The President: My outstanding Vice President, Joe Biden is here.
The President: Coming to a theater near you!
Let me close on a serious note.
We are having a good time but as has been true for the last
several years, we have incredible young men and women
who are serving in uniform overseas in the most
extraordinary of circumstances and we --
-- we are reminded of their courage and their valor.
We also need to remember our neighbors in
Alabama and across the South that have been devastated by terrible storms --
-- from last week.
Michelle and I were down there yesterday and we spent a lot of
time with some of the folks who have been affected.
The devastation is unimaginable and it's heartbreaking and
it's going to be a long road back.
And so we need to keep those Americans in our thoughts and in
our prayers.
But we also need to stand with them in the hard months and
perhaps years to come.
I intend to make sure that the federal government does that.
And I've got faith that the journalists in this room will do
their part for the people who have been affected by this
disaster by reporting on their progress and letting the rest of
America know when they will need more help.
Those are stories that need telling and that's what all of
you do best, whether it's rushing to the site of a
devastating storm in Alabama, or braving danger to cover a
revolution in the Middle East.
You know, in the last months we've seen journalists
threatened, arrested, beaten, attacked,
and in some cases even killed simply for doing their best to
bring us the story.
To give people a voice.
And to hold leaders accountable.
And through it all we've seen daring men and women risk their
lives for the simple idea that no one should be silenced.
And everyone deserves to know the truth.
That's what you do.
At your best that's what journalism is.
That's the principal that you uphold.
It is always important, but it's especially important in times of
challenge like the moment that America and the world is facing now.
So I thank you for your service and the contributions that you make.
And I want to close by recognizing not only your
service, but also to remember those that have been lost as a
consequence of the extraordinary reporting that they've done over
recent weeks.
They help, too, to defend our freedoms and allow democracy to flourish.
God bless you!
And may got bless the United States of America!