The Guild Season 4 Full Season with Trivia Annotations by Creator Felicia Day & Producer Kim Evey!


Uploaded by geekandsundry on Apr 5, 2012

Transcript:

CODEX: So we faced off against a rival guild.
It came down to me and their leader, Fawkes.
I kicked his butt, we met up for drinks, and then-- heh--
oh boy.
I never win anything, and I've certainly
never done stuff like--
that, on the first date, so I blame the heat of victory.
Stupid confidence.
Stupid cute gamer boy.
[SIGHS]
I gotta come clean with the guild.
Better to be up front about this than be discovered.
That would be so "after school special." I mean, what if Vork
caught us emoting in-game, or Clara spotted
us out at the movies?
We'd be at a foreign one, with subtitles, and then we'd go
out and eat something exotic afterwards, like, oysters, or
prosciutto.
Whatever that is.
Anyway, I'm gonna tell the guild.
I'm gonna do it-- just get it done.
Yes.
Mm.
[THEME MUSIC]
CLARA (SINGING): Enchant a fish and make a wish, the
Festival of The Sea--
TINKERBALLA: Clara.
Stop singing along with the MPC's.
CLARA: Oh come on, Tink-- this is my
favorite in-game holiday.
All the Mermaid quests and pirates--
I can't wait to get my character that
epic coconut bra.
BLADEZZ: I get enough pirate crap here at work.
Can we run a dungeon or something that doesn't make me
want to spit in a burger again?
VORK: Before we embark on the adorable seasonal [INAUDIBLE]
pet quest, I have a proposal.
CODEX: You guys?
Hey?
Um, it's Codex.
I just wanted to say--
ZABOO: I'm gonna name our sea horse Drowny.
Ironic'ed.
CODEX: But Vork--
I need to let you guys know that, um, there's--
[POWER FAILS]
But--
Was that a sign?
[ALARM SOUND]
ZABOO: That-that's my mom's ring tone.
Why is she calling?
Why now?
She hasn't called in weeks, dude.
Don't call, don't call-- stop-- stop,stop--
uh-- uh--
VORK: Are you done now?
ZABOO: Ahh--
ah.
Yeah, I'm done.
CODEX: Back.
As I was saying--
VORK: I have decided that The Knights of Good should have a
custom guild hall.
CODEX: --or you go first.
CLARA: What?
A custom guild hall?
Cool.
What's that?
ZABOO: Don't you read the patch notes?
CLARA: Never.
VORK: The new expansion has added clear design
housing to the game.
My hope is that a communal guild area will help repair
the emotional scars from our near recent breakup.
In addition, I want one.
TINKERBALLA: Vork.
Those things are expensive and pointless.
Totally e-peen strokers.
BLADEZZ: You guys know how I feel about e-peen stroking.
JEANETTE: Hey, idiot.
I can't serve a charcoal briquette.
Remake it.
And get off that computer, or I'm telling Ollie.
BLADEZZ: Who won't do anything.
The boss loves me.
You, on the other hand--
[SMASH]
Watch the face!

ZABOO: If we're going to get a guild hall, we need to get the
biggest and baddest one.
TINKERBALLA: The deluxe castle model's half a million gold.
VORK: Precisely.
And we have-- ?
ZABOO: 20,000 in the bank.
CLARA: Half a million?
And we have 20,000?
That's like--
oh, yeah.
There's a difference.
CODEX: I, uh, I heard that the Axis of Anarchy is saving for
a Deluxe one, too.
Huh, which reminds me--
TINKERBALLA: Those D-bags are getting one?
That's it.
I'm in.
BLADEZZ: Yeah.
Screw those guys.
That dude Bruiser is still dating my mom.
Get this.
He took her on a wine tour through Napa, like she's fancy
or something.
TINKERBALLA: Yeah, and Fawkes made the lewdest comments
about you, Codex.
CODEX: Really?
He did?
ZABOO: That's unacceptable.
VORK: He's reprehensible.
CLARA: I'm hungry.
CODEX: I'm dating him.

ZABOO: Ahhh!

CODEX: Zaboo?
VORK: What is with you today?
TINKERBALLA: You're dating Fawkes?
He almost ripped apart the guild.
BLADEZZ: Actually, you started it.
TINKERBALLA: I will dent your face.
CODEX: We've only had one date.
And it was after the LAN party.
I am not a traitor.
CLARA: Enemies become lovers?
Oh my god.
This is like the soap opera I used to watch.
Maybe you have an evil twin, and he's secretly a NASCAR
driver slash surgeon.
VORK: I am not putting my mouth to your mouth.
[COUGHING]
ZABOO: What?
Codex is dating Fawkes?
What the heck happened?
Why did I disconnect those surveillance cameras?
CLARA: On second thought?
Maybe he's a bull fighter, and you're in the witness
protection program.
BLADEZZ: You're banging him, and their Guild healer is
banging my mom.
That's guild incest.
CODEX: No, wait a second-- wait wait wait wait wait--
I have never done anything like this before, and, and and
there were some unique circumstances.
Remember, I--
I had won something--
TINKERBALLA: Wait.
So you did bang him?
I never pegged you for a ho-bag--
ZABOO: Wait--
you what?
CLARA: Whoa--
you boffed him after only one date?
Achievement unlocked.
BLADEZZ: Wait-- did you boff him or bang him?
Get the story straight here, and with details.
CODEX: It's not--
Guys?
We are dating.
We are in a relationship.
So if stuff happened, then it's private.
CLARA: Not anymore.
CODEX: I know he seemed like a jerk, but, um, he's different.
We might be good together.
I just want to see where this goes.
TINKERBALLA: It's going nowhere.
He's an anarchist.
There's no way he's gonna date you.
CODEX: That's not true.
He--
he left his jacket here.
CLARA: He left something?
Classic move.
It's like when a dog pees on a fire hydrant.
He's totally into you.
VORK: Codex, we're discussing building a guild hall.
This is seriously distracting.
CODEX: I was upfront about everything.
Can't I get props for that?
UNISON: No.
[ELECTRICAL SIZZLE]
CODEX: Oh--

oh, oh oh--
Now who's judging me?

CODEX: I hope this thing works.
I was in middle of arguing with the Guild, and my
computer just-- pow!
This bedroom feels like a crime scene now.
For more than one reason.
Telling the Guild about Fawkes was the right thing to do.
I just wish they hadn't jumped to all the right conclusions.
They're so mad at me.
I texted everyone.
Help-- computer broke.
Sad face.
And Bladezz was the first one to respond.
He's coming over with some spare pity parts he had lying
around, see if he can fix the thing.
He needs to hurry.
I know they're talking about me--
I can feel it.
Did I mention I can't get online right now?
[PHONE RINGS]
FAWKES: Damn it, Venom-- why don't you just cut off my dick
and tell me it's a popsicle?
[CELLPHONE RING]
Raiding.
CODEX: Hi.
It's Codex.
I've been having some computer problems, so if you see me
offline, I--
I didn't want you to think I was avoiding you or anything.
FAWKES: To think that would be pathetically neurotic.
CODEX: Oh.
So--
I haven't talked to you since our date the other night.
I don't normally drink, but I had a really good time.
FAWKES: As did I. I believe my favorite part of the evening
was after the second margarita, when you said, come
back to my place and take my armor off.
CODEX: Wow.
Drunk me is really forward.
FAWKES: It's nothing to be ashamed of.
The sexual act is one of our basic animal instincts.
CODEX: Well, I shy away from my base instincts and try hard
to be really classy.
Like Audrey Hepburn?
FAWKES: At a certain point in the evening, you farted on me.
In order to make me taco-flavored.
It was cute.
CODEX: Moving on.
Tonight, I was thinking that, uh--
I have your jacket.
FAWKES: Bring it to 521 Spring Street at 8:00 PM.
CODEX: OK, it's a date.
Oh.
You hung up.
[KNOCKING]
BLADEZZ: I heard you let the bad boys in.
CODEX: Thanks for coming over.
Is the Guild still talking about me?
Fix my computer.
Hurry--
BLADEZZ: OK.
OK.
But just so you know, I told the boss that I had a family
thing come up.
So if anyone asks, you're my cousin who had boob surgery.
CODEX: Eh--
OK.
The computer's right there.
BLADEZZ: Oh.
On the bed and waiting for me.
Roar.
CODEX: Do you have to make everything
into a sexual innuendo?
BLADEZZ: I'd like to in your endo.
CODEX: Ugh.
God, you're awful.
CLARA: Who would've thought that last holy bolt Codex
shoved up Fawkes' butt at the LAN party would've goosed them
into a relationship?
So romantic.
TINKERBALLA: Reality check.
There will be no relationship.
Be prepared for her depressed voice.
Also known as normal voice.
ZABOO: I don't understand women.
Codex is dating a jerk, my one and girlfriend Riley locked me
in a clothes dryer, and then my ma--
and then my ma-- ther--
m-- mother--
see, I can't even say it--
TINKERBALLA: It's not your fault you're a social retard
with girls.
ZABOO: It's not?
TINKERBALLA: My Psych 101 class, which I went to once,
says it all starts with the parents.
CLARA: Parents influence their kids?
What is that, a new study?
ZABOO: But you're women.
And I'm totally normal with you dudes.
TINKERBALLA: Normal?
CLARA: Because we're your friends.
Just treat Codex like you would treat us.
Because, let's face it-- you and Codex?
TINKERBALLA: Not gonna happen.
ZABOO: Yeah.
You're right.
I need to let go of that, and focus on being her friend.
100%.
No.
110%.
Even though the math is weird on that.
I'm gonna be her best friend ever.
So--
how do I do that?
TINKERBALLA: When did this guild go from playing a game
together to talking about feelings and holding each
other's vaginas?
ZABOO: Do you guys really do that?

BLADEZZ: There's gross lady dander all in this thing.
CODEX: I didn't know you needed to vacuum in there.
Who tells you that?
Did you fix it?
BLADEZZ: You're better off buying a new computer.
CODEX: I can't buy a new computer.
I'm poor.
My credit cards are maxed.
I survive on Ramen, that's why my skin's so dry, and--
ew, I'm sharing so much personal stuff today.
Where'd you get all these parts, anyway?
BLADEZZ: Oh, the, uh, public library computer.
CODEX: What?
BLADEZZ: You're a part of the public.
OK.
Here we go.
[COMPUTER FIRES UP]
CODEX: I love that sound.
Move over.
[THUD]
I have to log on.
I can feel them talking about me.
I have to defend myself.
VORK: The aesthetics are irrelevant.
We're building a guild hall, not a banjo factory.
CODEX: Oh.
So self-centered.
What's going on?
ZABOO: Welcome back, best friend Codex my friendy friend
frienderson.
We're just discussing design options for the guild hall.
TINKERBALLA: We need someone with a vision.
And I am that person.
Check out my color pallate.
ZABOO: Whoa.
BLADEZZ: OK, that looks like a preschooler's sock drawer.
Let me design it.
Can we buy a slave girl on PCs?
ZABOO: I think we should let Codex do it.
To show that we as a collective are fine with
whatever personal decisions she makes in her life.
CLARA: Vork--
I'm gonna fax you my design.
I used every single crayon color.
TINKERBALLA: Hold up, chickie.
Who made you lead designer?
CLARA: But I want the turret model--
TINKERBALLA: I want the turret model.
CLARA: I want the formal gardens add-on--
TINKERBALLA: So do I. With the gazebo?
CLARA: And magenta walls?
TINKERBALLA: Yes-- with the eggshell trim.
CLARA: Did you borrow my crayon set?
And my mind?
VORK: A gazebo painted in #FF33CC?
No.
The primary function should be defensibility.
Or you use the austere.
#33333 stone.
#FF33CC would make an extremely eye catching target
for an aerial dragon assault.
CODEX: That feature doesn't even exist in the game.
VORK: There could be future additional
downloadable content.
BLADEZZ: OK, look.
If it's defensible you want, then the blood fountain is an
immediate in.
TINKERBALLA: No one wants to hang out in a hair band video.
CODEX: Why don't we compromise on a design that
everyone can enjoy?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
That's not fair--
Great idea, long-time companion.
No--
BLADEZZ: What are you, stupid?
CODEX: But the whole point of building a guild hall was to
bring us together.
We shouldn't let this turn into a competition.
VORK: I agree, Codex.
The only fair way to settle this would be to give design
rights to whoever earns the most gold.
CODEX: Vork, that's the very definition of a competition.
VORK: Fundraising shall commence--
now.
CLARA: Oh--
BLADEZZ: No fair.
I have to go back to work.
CODEX: I can't start till tomorrow.
I have to get ready for my date.
I want to find a really good quote to open with.
ZABOO: So you're definitely going out with Fawkes again.
I'm excited for you.
Because friends support friends.
Oh, man, this is going to be tough.
CODEX: "And one by one the nights between our separated
cities are joined." One by one the nights between our
separated--
VENOM: Jacket.
Now!

Nice dress.
Go die in it.

CODEX: Last night was a miscommunication, that's all.
When I was on the phone with Fawkes yesterday, I'm pretty
sure I heard rock sound effects in the background.
Which meant he was ready to give Venom her sentence, which
is super intense on the leadership side.
Plus, I just dance around things too much.
I should have just come out and said, Do you want to get
together tonight for a date?
Sure, part of me is, like, Is he the jerk I
thought he was before?
Or is that just a facade, hiding the really cool dude
who made me feel pretty, and awesome, and who I impulsively
went way too far with?
I'll just wait for him to call me.
Or I could text him.
Email?
In-game mail?
IM?
That's a weird sound.

ZABOO: Man, you are set.
Man.
Bladezz used some chinky parts in here.
I think some of it was from an ATM.
CODEX: Thanks for looking at it.
ZABOO: No problemo.
I hope that I'm not, like, parachuting into Fawkes
territory or anything.
I know this is, like, boyfriendville.
CODEX: Uh--
no, it's, it's early, so I didn't want to bother him.
ZABOO: Look at how far we've come, huh?
From star-crossed lovers to inseparable BFFs.
Roller coastered.
CODEX: Ah, I wouldn't describe it either of
those ways, but thanks.
ZABOO: And-- heh heh--
in support of your budding romance, I had this painting
commissioned for you, best friend.
Voila'd.
Yeah.
I know.
I was speechless, too.
This friend of mine who does van art whipped it
right up for me.
The likenesses are pretty special.
And, potentially, could end up on the side of a van.
CODEX: Yeah, it is special.
Thank you.
ZABOO: I know the Guild's been giving you a ton of flak for
dating this guy.
But I'm in support.
Put me on Team Codex Fawkes.
Team Cawkes.
Thinking about making T-shirts.
CODEX: Uh, no.
We should play.
ZABOO: Oh, yeah, let's play, for sure.
[RINGTONE SOUND]
Oo--
Voice mail.
Ah--
it's my mom again.
She's being so creepy.
Listen.
ZABOO'S MOM: Hello, Sujan.
It's my birthday soon, and for me the best present would be
just to hear the sound of your voice.
Goodbye.
ZABOO: She's insane.
CODEX: It sounded OK to me.
ZABOO: OK?
You met my mom.
You know that OK would never be used to describe her.
Ever.
CODEX: Look.
Sometimes people change.
They might've been jerks, but then something happens, and
you find out they aren't jerks anymore.
So if something else happens that makes you suspicious that
they really are the jerks that you thought they were, you
should really give them the benefit of the doubt, and--
and wait for them to call you.
ZABOO: Are we still talking about me?
CODEX: What?
ZABOO: Huh?
CODEX: Yes.
Yes.
You should give your mom a chance.
ZABOO: OK.
All right, you're right.
Wow.
This is really great.
I love being in a friend zone.
I never knew women could be such great pals.
CLARA: Vork is a loser, Vork is a loser.
CODEX: Sometimes.
Why the hateful chanting?
VORK: My iron ingots are not selling in the trading house.
I've only made 2,000 gold so far towards the guild hall.
CLARA: And Tink and I teamed up to clean up.
Up to 5,000 gold already.
TINKERBALLA: With Clara's tailoring and my enchanting,
we're making sets of uber fishing gloves.
They're selling like hotcakes 'cause of all the Sea Festival
quests this week.
CLARA: We also have a bit worked out.
We invite the guy to a private chat channel called Fishy
Lips, and then Tink goes--
TINKERBALLA: --you want these gloves--
CLARA: -- then I go, You need these gloves, and then really
quick we say--
TINKERBALLA: Want.
CLARA: Need.
TINKERBALLA: Want.
CLARA: Need.
TINKERBALLA: 50 gold.
Pay up.
CLARA: We sell a pair, every time.
ZABOO: Oo.
Lady voiced.
I'll buy three pairs.
TINKERBALLA: Later.
Clara--
customer.
CLARA: Oh--
VORK: Can I turn them in for auditory prostitution?
ZABOO: For selling fish gloves?
Seems kind of drastic, dude.
VORK: I can't let them win.
I need a defensible guild hall, not a
glitter infested, puff--
puffy paint palace.
And where's Bladezz?
CODEX: He has a job.
He's at Cheesybeards.
VORK: Maybe he and I can team up.
I do need someone with a work ethic.

OLLIE: Oh-- that's quite a heave ho in that left arm.
Good toss, lad.
JEANETTE: That's it?
You chewed my ass off last week for
serving wilted lettuce.
OLLIE: Oo--
don't mutiny, Jeanette.
Or I'll make you walk the plank.

BLADEZZ: Order up, Jeanette.
[DING]
CODEX: No, Zaboo, I don't want to talk about what Fawkes
smells like.
ZABOO: I bet it's like a combination
of nutmeg and rawhide.
CODEX: He's not a gingerbread cowboy.
CLARA: We're back.
15 more sets of gloves sold.
VORK: Aneurysm.
CODEX: What--
what is going on with my computer?
My character's leaping around the screen like a
crack-filled ferret.
TINKERBALLA: Why don't you get your new
boyfriend to buy you one?
I can't believe he went out with you again.
CLARA: Oh, that's right.
Codex, how did your date go last night?
ZABOO: Yeah, let's dish.
CODEX: Uh, it's a long story.
Heh-heh.
Um, dating is, it's-- the dating world is complicated,
and sometimes--
[COMPUTER POWERS DOWN]
my computer crashed.
CLARA: Codex, Fawkes is riding by right now with the whole
Axis of Anarchy.
VORK: Probably on their way to purchase a deluxe guild hall
with a sensible color scheme.
CODEX: Don't message him.
Oh-- stupid computer.
ZABOO: I'll just log onto your character from my laptop.
CODEX: Wait, you have my password?
ZABOO: Oh.
Well sometimes I go into your backpack and rearrange all the
items in your inventory.
Inventory Tetris'ed.
CLARA: Slash wave at him.
[ELEPHANT SOUNDS FROM COMPUTER]

TINKERBALLA: You just got blown off by a
guy riding a mastodon.
CODEX: Maybe he was on auto-follow.
Or he didn't recognize me.
Yeah.
ZABOO: You know, a human red-haired female priest with
an elite herald tunic isn't uncommon.
CLARA: Well, maybe you should--
CODEX: --call him.
You're right.
Because we're dating.
I should be able to do that.
ZABOO: Yeah, you go, girlfriend.
CODEX: OK.
ZABOO: Friend girl.
CLARA: I was gonna say, why don't you just get drunk and
show up at his doorstep?
But calling's good, too.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
FAWKES: Journaling.
CODEX: Hi.
It's Codex.
Uh, did you get your jacket?
FAWKES: I did.
CODEX: I kind of thought you'd pick it up yourself.
FAWKES: You can't undo the past.
But you can certainly not repeat it.
Bruce Willis.
CODEX: OK.
So do you want to set a time now?
To go out together?
For-- for a date?
FAWKES: Yeah, I thought I made this clear between us.
I don't date.
CODEX: What?
No.
No, that certainly was not clear, because I don't do one
time deals.
FAWKES: Well apparently in this case, you did.
CODEX: Wait, so--
[CLICK]
Oh my god.
I really am a ho-bag?
CODEX: I'm not a slut.
I'm not.
I am a good girl.
The worst thing I've ever done is sniff a permanent marker.
But it was only 15 seconds, tops, and the whole time I was
screaming inside, Stop-- cancer--
stop.
What did I misunderstand about that date?
We got along great.
Eh, that rhymes.
But with a little logic, and a mild panic attack, I convinced
Fawkes to meet me for a non date-
deductible business meeting.
I'm gonna figure out what happened, deal with him
calmly, and then we will go out again.
We have to.
A one-time deal?
What is the guild gonna think?
I'm their priest.
I have a virtual reputation to uphold.
So I just wanted to understand some of the nuances of the
other night more clearly.
Heh.
Um, why are we not going out again, again?
FAWKES: Codex, you bested me in one-on-one combat in the
Kinlandia Arena, and for that you have earned my respect.
However, I have a strict one date only policy.
CODEX: OK, that part?
Why?
FAWKES: I am an epicurean.
It is my goal in this life to experience all that womankind
has to offer.
I sample once, and then I move on.
CODEX: Yeah, but, but we, we have so much in common.
FAWKES: Mm.
Such as?
CODEX: Well, the game.
And we both use the Internet to play the
game, and we both--
you know what?
There is definitely something here, or I would never have
let you plug into my port.
FAWKES: Well, we had great chemistry.
That is undeniable--
CODEX: See?
That's something.
I mean, you were talking about how we were all base and
animally and stuff, and-- wait.
You're not a furry, are you?
FAWKES: I haven't gotten to that part of the list yet, no.
CODEX: OK, so, let's go out again.
I mean, look at us right now.
This is, like, so super fun.
JEANETTE: Honey, don't beg a guy to date you.
That is just sorry business.
FAWKES: Out of the mouths of babes.
JEANETTE: Mm--
you are yummy.

CODEX: OK.
You don't want to see me again?
That's fine.
I can deal with that.
But the thing is, I kind of told the guild about us.
FAWKES: You told your guild about our one night of
passionate monkey sex?
CODEX: It kind of came up in conversation.
So I'm just gonna tell the guild that we're still going
out for just a little while longer, and I would appreciate
it if you would cover for me.
Could you do that for me?
Please?
FAWKES: Wow, you've really put a lot of thought into this.
CODEX: Yes.
All night last night.
Obsessively.
FAWKES: OK, what's in it for me?
CODEX: I make good brownies.
BLADEZZ: Hey, our only two customers.
I wanted to stop by to see what's causing
all the guild turmoil.
FAWKES: We're causing turmoil in your guild?
BLADEZZ: Oh, yeah.
Tink's having a fit, Zaboo almost had a heart attack--
FAWKES: Really.
Mmm--
mwah.
Post that on your guild's forum.
BLADEZZ: Yes, sir.

FAWKES: OK, Codex.
I'll cover for you.
CODEX: Thank you.
Thank you very much.
FAWKES: I don't want you to feel ashamed about what
happened between us.
You are in elite company.
Last year, at Comic-Con?
I bedded the creator of the comic
Circuitra, Robot Princess.

CODEX: Oh--
I loved that--
never mind.

VORK: I've notated every single gold
vein in the game atlas.
If you camp the lower quadrant--
ZABOO: Yeah, Vork, I can't help you with
the guild hall, buddy.
I am neck-deep in my quest for understanding women.
And this lady quiz is going to tell my effectiveness as a
supportive sidekick.
VORK: No one in the world would find that interesting.
ZABOO: Question number eight.
Your best friend's boyfriend broke up with her.
Do you, A, pamper her with a trip to a relaxing day spa; B,
take her out for salsa dancing; or C, comfort her
with a tearjerker movie and ice cream?
VORK: C.
ZABOO: Why C?
VORK: The majority of multiple choice answers are always C.
In addition, comfort requires emotional commitment, and
salsa dancing is performed in poor lighting.
Now get out your pick axe and start a-mining.
ZABOO: Fine.
[ALARM SOUNDING]
Aw, dude--
it's my mom.
What should I do?
VORK: If you're not mining, you're dead to me.
ZABOO: All right.
I'm going to answer it.
I have you on speaker phone--
I'm not alone.
ZABOO'S MOM: Sujan?
It's so nice to hear your voice.
Did you get the cyber-vite for my birthday?
ZABOO: Uh, yes, but I'm not gonna make it.
And I notice that you invited Dad, and he's dead, so he's
probably not gonna make it, either.
ZABOO'S MOM: That's all right.
This call is the best present I could ever have.
ZABOO: OK.
Um, is that it?
ZABOO'S MOM: That's all.
Good bye.

ZABOO: Wha-- no guilt trips?
No screaming?
What's going on?
I mean, is she being held hostage?
Is there a ransom?
I'm not gonna pay it.
VORK: I said nothing, corpse.
Carry on.
ZABOO: Question number nine.
If your friendship was a food--
VORK: C.
ZABOO: C.
BLADEZZ: He stuck you with the bill, too.
I have to take lessons from this guy--
CODEX: Shut up.
It was a great second date.
We are so into each other.
BLADEZZ: Hm.
CODEX: And I why don't we talk about
something that's your business?
Like my computer?
That you supposedly fixed, that barely works?
How am I supposed to play?
BLADEZZ: Oh, OK.
Give me 50 bucks for a second house call, I'll check it out.
CODEX: 50 bucks?
I told you, I'm really poor.
You're supposed to be my friend.
BLADEZZ: Jesus, woman, you need to be tranqed.
CODEX: I'm sorry.
It's just, I'm so stressed right now.
I just have to have a computer.
For the guild hall, for living-- it's, like, so
important--
BLADEZZ: OK.
Don't leak.
If you need quick dough, Bladezz'll hook you up.
Go.

OLLIE: So, Sherman.
Just, um, who are you to Simon here?
CODEX: Uh, it's complicated--
BLADEZZ: She's my cousin.
OLLIE: The one who had boob surgery?
BLADEZZ: Yeah.
She made 'em smaller.
OLLIE: Went too far.
So, you ever work in food service?
CODEX: I used to be a musician.
OLLIE: Musician, eh?
Well, I used to be semi-professional myself.
Heh heh heh--
pirate balladeer.
(SINGING) So, they whacked me up, they whacked me down, the
first mate cracked me upon the crown, and then they boogered
me round and round, when I was just a shaver.
[LAUGHTER]
CODEX: That's a lovely baritone.
OLLIE: Oh, I also sing first tenor.
Well, I--
I'd like to throw you a life jacket, lass, but, um, I'm not
hiring right now.
No, business is in the bilge.
BLADEZZ: Aw, come on, boss.
She's old and reliable looking.
Can't she swab something?
CODEX: Well, look-- you have a computer.
Drool.
OLLIE: Oh, that.
Never turn on the blasted contraption.
CODEX: Wait, you've never turned it on?
Poor thing.
Uh, do you need it?
OLLIE: Oh, aye, yes.
It-- it serves me well as a paperweight.
CODEX: Can I stay here and use it?
To help you?
With business?
OLLIE: How?
CODEX: Uh--
websites.
Yes, websites, and, and social networking.
They can all get people into your restaurant.
Right?
OLLIE: You can do that?
CODEX: Yes.
OLLIE: Well, slog my jolly boat--
BLADEZZ: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
OK, I'm cool with throwing you a bone, but if there's fun,
white-collar work to be done, I'll be the guy paid to do it.
OLLIE: Oh, no way, lad.
Gotta have you where I need you.
Grub master.
Below decks.
BLADEZZ: Bu,bu, but I--I--
CODEX: Then I will do it.
I am the lassie for the job.
OLLIE: Never say old Black Ollie
didn't parlay with progress.
You see, I'll give you a split of the booty, if you can crew
up those tables out there.
Deal?
CODEX: Aye, aye, Captain.
[LAUGHTER]
OLLIE: Arrgh--
CODEX: Arrgh--
Heh heh--

Bladezz got me a job.
That he's pissed at me for getting, but, whatever.
A job.
It's been so long, it feels weird coming out of my mouth.
Job.
Job.
Job.
OK.
I'll stop.
I'm not technically qualified, or getting paid up front--
which is so like me--
but I think I can do this.
Social media can't be that hard.
Every bozo on the internet claims to be an expert.
And, I think I worked out the whole Fawkes thing, so by the
end of week, I will have a brand new computer, and be
innocuously broken up in a face-saving manner.
Life is pretty good right now.
Why did I say that?
I just totally jinxed it.
Ohh--
CLARA: I can't believe you got a job, Codex.
I'm so jealous.
Is it glamorous?
Are you wearing a pencil skirt?
VORK: The important question is, can I get a discount on
foodstuffs?
Namely, discounted to free.
CODEX: It's a little early to be asking for free stuff.
I've gotta get paying customers in here first.
But it is nice to have a working computer again.
I named her Harriett.
CLARA: Do people really hate Cheesybeards' food that much?
I thought their cosmos were good.
ZABOO: Some of these comments are horrible.
Leaky disaster.
Tastes like butt pirate butt.
VORK: Ahh--
CODEX: I know.
And Ollie doesn't even own the domain name.
I had to get Cheesybeards.info.
CLARA: You get to buy domain names?
Ah, you're such a jet-setter now.
Wah--
MR. WIGGLY: What's wrong?
Are you guys-- ?
Oh.
I thought it was one of the kids.
CLARA: Honey, Codex got a job.
She's working from work and having so much fun right now.
MR. WIGGLY: You have a job, Bunny.
It's the most important job of all.
Being a mom.
[BLENDER SOUND]
Gabby?
CLARA: Meh.
Oo, Codex--
I saw that picture of you and Fawkes that Bladezz posted.
Talk about a two- hander.
What?
TINKERBALLA: I don't want that disaster porn on the forums.
Some of us have sensitive stomachs.
ZABOO: Don't worry, Codex.
I'll create a separate forum topic for you to post pictures
and videos for those of us, you know, who want to
celebrate your love.
Also, I've been doing my friend research, and have
learned how to braid hair in eight different styles.
Mostly from Hairly Legal magazine.
CODEX: No, no, no, no, no--
Tink is right.
From now on, I'll keep my relationship with Fawkes on
the down low.
For the good of the guild.
No matter how it's going.
Ooh--
BLADEZZ: Move.
I have to keep up with guild hall farming.
CODEX: Don't be mad at me.
I can't help it if Ollie gave me a job
that's better than yours.
BLADEZZ: Hey, I'm the rogue.
I'm supposed to do the backstabbing here.
CODEX: A lot of the bad internet comments are
specifically about you.
Horrible food, cooked by sleepy-looking
feather-haired kid?
BLADEZZ: They're called layers, hater.
You guys can weep, but as I'm up to 25K on guild hall
farming, prepare for bloody axes and iron maidens.
TINKERBALLA: Correction.
Fairy and unicorn tapestries.
Clara, check our numbers.
CLARA: Tink and I are up 60 K. Eat it--
VORK: 60 K?
I've been practicing classic Keynesian economics and I'm
only up to 27.
In addition, I haven't left this chair in two days.
ZABOO: Ah-- that's 'cause he's been pounding energy drinks.
VORK: That's urine.
From my penis.
I can't waste valuable mining time.
CLARA: We added sexy music to our Fishy Lips chat channel,
and tell people our real-life names are Darla and Pancake.
TINKERBALLA: Look forward to filigree out your butthole.
And Cupid add-ons.
ZABOO: Ugh--
rococoed.
CLARA: Are you still here?
MR. WIGGLY: Don't be mad, honey.
You and Tink seem to have a great business online.
Isn't that enough?
CLARA: Yeah, but--
[BREATH]
Hey.
What if Tink and I started a real business?
MR. WIGGLY: What kind of business?
CLARA: Tink, Wiggly just had a great idea.
We work so good together, we have to
start a real business--
MR. WIGGLY: Uh, I said nothing.
TINKERBALLA: Like, out of game?
CLARA: Yeah.
Making real money.
TINKERBALLA: I like that word.
Money.
BLADEZZ: We know.
TINKERBALLA: What could we do?
CLARA: Oh, Wiggly will help us with the stupid details.
He does this for a living.
MR. WIGGLY: Honey--
I'm in pharmaceuticals, on salary, I've never--
CLARA: Tink, come over.
He's already making ideas.
Wiggly will put out a cheese tray.
TINKERBALLA: Mm.
As long as you lock up the babies, I'm game.
CLARA: Wiggly--
cheese tray.
CODEX: Looks like I started a real-life leveling trend.
VORK: Good job, Codex.
Keep going so I'm the only one unemployed.
I want that game and all its assets to myself.
OLLIE: Hard at work in here, aye lass?
CODEX: Uh, yeah.
We're working hard.
Right?
OLLIE: 'Cause I give no quarter to stowaways.
[FANFARE]
[FANFARE]
ZABOO: Codex is gonna look so slammin' with
this fishtail braid.
And then, I texted my mom, Happy Birthday.
And then she wrote back, Thank you.
I'm officially a woman whisperer.
[ALARM]
Ah--
VORK: Visitors.
ZABOO: Oh--
[ZAP]
Vork-- no, no, no, don't open the door, do not open the--
ZABOO'S MOM: Hello.
I came to celebrate my birthday with my son--
ZABOO: Mom?
ZABOO'S MOM: Sujan?
ZABOO: Hi, mom.
ZABOO'S MOM: What--
ZABOO: Press the button when I do that.
Press the button.

CODEX: I thought it would be cool, being able
to log on from work.
But Ollie keeps ambushing me.
It's making me totally paranoid.
This webcam's gonna look like a cheap seaside horror film.
Anyway, I've been doing a lot of web stuff for Cheesybeards,
and-- what was that noise?
Ollie is so stealthy for a pirate.
Why can't he have a peg leg, instead of a,
a sharp shiny hook?
And what's the deal with that thing, anyway?
Is it real, or a costume?
How do you find out?
There is just no protocol.
What came first?
The pirate, or the hook?
BLADEZZ: Arrgh--
CODEX: Oh, oh, oh!
BLADEZZ: Avast ye, Sherman-- uh-hunh--
ZABOO: Mom, you can't just show up to my place
uninvited--
VORK: Correction.
My place.
ZABOO'S MOM: But you make me happy with the texting, Sujan.
I thought you'd want to celebrate.
ZABOO: No.
Oh, god, you are strong.
Uh-- look, I'm not going home with you, OK?
I'm here, hanging with my homey, Vork.
VORK: Don't touch me.
ZABOO: OK.
ZABOO'S MOM: Why do you assume such things?
I just came to invite you to dinner.
ZABOO: Oh.
So you can drug me.
And then stuff me into a trunk.
Just like when you kidnapped me from science camp.
They were not gonna clone me.
ZABOO'S MOM: Let's dwell on the positive.
Oo--
this is a pretty fishtail braid.
ZABOO: Well.
It is a difficult technique to master.
ZABOO'S MOM: Uh-huh.
ZABOO: Lots of ins and outs.
Stop messing with my mind.

[BACKGROUND VOICES]
CODEX: Vork?
Are you watching a Bollywood film?
VORK: No.
It's Zaboo and his mother.
She arrived uninvited.
[SPEAKING HINDI]
ZABOO'S MOM: Oh--
ZABOO: How many languages do you know, dude?
VORK: All of them.
CODEX: What?
But we downed that boss.
What does she want?
CLARA: It's her birthday, and she's there to be friendly,
and celebrate.
CODEX: That's a weird respawn.
MR. WIGGLY: Honey, your, uh, angry agent friend is here.
CLARA: Oh, Tink's here for a business meeting.
Wiggly.
Pretend you're my put upon assistant.
MR. WIGGLY: I've told you not to call me Wiggly.
I don't--
I don't game anymore.
CLARA: Ah, Wiggly.
Fetch me some water, boy.
VORK: Codex, now that we're alone, I want you to join
forces with me to earn money for the guild hall.
CODEX: Join forces.
How?
VORK: As a healer, I can rent you out to priestless groups.
CODEX: No.
No, I'm not letting you pimp me out for your guild hall.
VORK: Plan B. I can transcribe episodes of Dynasty from my
VHS collection.
And we can reenact scenes in a common area, for tips.
CODEX: Who would pay us for that?
VORK: The story lines are sordid and compelling.
People could watch between tournament bouts.
CODEX: Uh, thanks, sir, but I don't think that's appropriate
for our organization at this time.
BLADEZZ: Cleaned out the rat traps, boss.
Whattya want to do with them?
Tomorrow's special?
[LAUGHTER]
Whoops-- my bad.
COMPUTER VOICE: Our communal environment is at stake--
CODEX: Um, sir, we appreciate your passion.
But a charity project isn't something we can help with, at
this time--
VORK: Foreign talkers!
Please!
CODEX: Outsourcing.
We'll get back with you.
OLLIE: There's an empty galley out there, Sherman.
Is this project ever gonna put into port?
CODEX: No, I'm working hard.
I created a MyFace account, and a Tweeter account--
BLADEZZ: Caught that, by the way.
Our burgers are Pira- licious.
Out of three followers, two unfollowed you, and the third
just left a comment saying, Gay.
CODEX: I'm still getting the hang of it.
BLADEZZ: And a lot of nasty remarks on
that Yelp review site.
It is so hard to keep people happy.
CODEX: If you'll excuse us for a second.
Hunh-hunh.
I know you're leaving those nasty comments.
NotBladezz69?
Bladezz Duh.
BLADEZZ: I'm just trying to keep you on your feet while I
flip burgers in the bung hole.
CODEX: OK.
Let's deal.
What can I do for you, besides quit?
Don't smile like that.

MR. WIGGLY: So--
ah, Tink.
Is that your real name?
CLARA: Honey-- stop grilling her.
MR. WIGGLY: Tink, I'm sorry.
Please.
Forgive me.
I didn't mean to be so invasive.
CLARA: Let's get down to business.
Can we get a 1-800 number?
I've just always wanted one.
1-800 GET CLARA?
It's just so easy to remember.
MR. WIGGLY: Well, we might be jumping the gun just a bit.
First let's figure out, like, what is it that you two want
to do together?
CLARA: Something--
TINKERBALLA: --that makes a ton of money--
CLARA: --with no effort.
MR. WIGGLY: OK.
Yeah, we're gonna have to narrow it
down just a bit more.
All right, Clara, you're a mom, and Tink, what
is it that you do?
TINKERBALLA: [SIGHS]
CLARA: Honey.
MR. WIGGLY: What--
Tink, I'm sorry, please--
Tink.
Stop.
No more grilling, OK?
I don't--
I don't have much to work on here, but, see, you're both
women, and you game together--
CLARA: Oh my god, what a great idea.
Women making real money from gaming.
TINKERBALLA: I'd be into that.
MR. WIGGLY: No, that's not really the plan, it's--
CLARA: I'm gonna go make business cards.
This is official now.

[LAUGHTER]
[ARCADE MUSIC]
OLLIE: Arrgh.
Dogs with a laser--
Well that floods my poop deck.
CODEX: And that's only video, Ollie.
OLLIE: A commercial for the internet.
And you know how to do that?
Without makin' it look like a shipwreck?
CODEX: It doesn't matter.
That video has 7,000,000 views.
Think about all those burgers.
OLLIE: Aye.
Aye, good point, lass.
I might have to franchise.
Expand the fleet.
CODEX: Well, let's not get carried away.
BLADEZZ: And, lucky for you, you have a professional actor
on this demo reel is a monologue I did from Huck Finn
that gave my grandmother a stroke.
Literally.
OLLIE: I like this idea.
I like this idea a lot.
Do it.
Do it.
In the meantime, let's watch more dog videos.
[BARKING FROM COMPUTER]
[OLLIE'S LAUGHTER]
ZABOO'S MOM: You're so good at game running, Sujan.
ZABOO: I'm not paying attention to you.
VORK: For someone who claimed to have cracked the woman
code, you're entirely incompetent right now.
ZABOO: Yeah, you're right.
Mom?
I will go to your birthday dinner.
But, I'm bringing my friends.
Vork?
VORK: Who's paying?
ZABOO'S MOM: Well, it's my birthday, so--
VORK: Mm.
ZABOO'S MOM: --of course I'll be paying for it.
VORK: Let's go.
CODEX: Hey.
Finally got the computer back.
Never show an old person a dog video.
It's like entering a recursive loop you can never escape.
ZABOO: Hey, Codex.
I need you to come to my mom's birthday dinner tonight.
Gotta have my back, bestie.
CODEX: Uh, I, uh, I, I have a date.
With Fawkes.
Because, you know, we're dating.
So that's what we're doing.
We're dating.
ZABOO: Sweet.
Bring him right along.
CODEX: Nuh-- but but but--
ZABOO: Directions texted.
CODEX: But, no, no, but--
ZABOO: See you there.
CODEX: No--
Uh--
God, I'm such a slow thinker.

Hey, everyone.
Fawkes couldn't make it.
It's really funny story, hunh, I wrote it down on my hand--
FAWKES: What's a funny story, kissy face?
Mwha--
VORK: More bread, please?
CODEX: I've never gotten into real time strategy games.
It's hard enough responding to a turn based scenario, but
adding a real time element?
How is that fun?
I have a hard enough time coping with real
life in real time.
Like, if I'd had a pause button, I could have come up
with an actual good excuse why I couldn't go to dinner, or
cope better with the fact that Zaboo sent Fawkes the
restaurant info, and he actually showed up.
I was speechless.
I had nothing.
My resources were totally maxed.
Let's face it--
I got zerged.

FAWKES: Mm--
mwah--
mwah--
mwah--
ZABOO: This does not nauseate me at all.
FAWKES: I am so glad that I was able to cancel my
emergency Anarchist's Club meeting downtown.
CODEX: Thank you, muffin face.
You really didn't have to do it.
Really.
ZABOO: Fawkes-- meet my mom.
FAWKES: Enchanted.
You know, with Bruiser dating Bladezz' mom, the mothers of
The Knights of Good have become epic idols.
You should all get together and do a swimsuit calendar.
VORK: My mother's dead.
Employing her as Miss September would simply be
inappropriate.
ZABOO'S MOM: So, Sujan.
Tell me about your new life.
Tell me all about it.
ZABOO: I game.
And then I game some more.
ZABOO'S MOM: Oh.
Wonderful.
ZABOO: And then I moved out of Codex' place, on a quest to
become a man.
ZABOO'S MOM: Your father would be so proud, Sujan.
ZABOO: Well then Codex threw me over for a total anus faced
stunt guy, and then I started dating this hardcore bisexual
FPS gamer chick.
She took my V-card, and then she started dating this
paraplegic goth girl, and now I'm staying at Vork's in a
toddler bed underneath a bunch of pigeons--
VORK: Squab.
ZABOO: --squab, trying to understand women.
FAWKES: It was worth the trip just to hear that.
VORK: Just to clarify, you're paying for the entire bill?
ZABOO'S MOM: Yes.
For the 50th time, yes.
VORK: Happy birthday to me.

BLADEZZ: Ladies?
Start drafting your press releases on
how you knew me when.
Codex is filming a Cheesybeards commercial
tomorrow, starring moi.
I'm gonna have to film a sex tape after this, to capitalize
on my fame.
TINKERBALLA: Now I have to go bleach my brain.
CLARA: Tell him about our company, Tink.
TINKERBALLA: Bladezz?
Pass.
CLARA: We wanted to make money off of gaming, and we thought
of a niche no one was serving.
Tees for pregnant gamers.
Say hello to Pregamers.
TINKERBALLA: Pre-Gamers.
CLARA: Pregamers.
TINKERBALLA: Pre-Gamers.
CLARA: Preg-amers?
TINKERBALLA: Let's work on that name later.
CLARA: We even have a bunch of slogans already.
Newb On Board.
Mini Boss.
Don't Frag My Baby.
That one was Tink's.
Women of all ages will want one.
BLADEZZ: All ages?
Give me one for Dena.
Her middle school teachers are going to flip.
Where are you selling them?
CLARA: We haven't worked out the worky icky parts yet.
TINKERBALLA: Oh, I can't wait to design the logo.
Some 8-bit baby with a machine gun.
[KNOCKING]
BLADEZZ: Oh, dudes, my acting coach is here.
We need to run some facial expressions
in the mirror tonight.
This time we're doing number six--
Nick Cage, puzzled.

DENA: Terrible.
I can't believe I'm missing my bocce ball
tournament for this.
CLARA: Tink, we need more t-shirt models.
Oo-- text Codex and tell her to get the unprotected nasty
on tonight.
[CELLPHONE RING]
CODEX: Tink.
What the eff?
VORK: The pork tenderloins--
do they freeze well, or do I need to vacuum seal them?
WAITER: I don't know.
VORK: Then I'll only have seven of them.

ZABOO'S MOM: Well, it is my birthday, so I do have one
small request.
ZABOO: I knew there was a catch.
ZABOO'S MOM: I've been going to these meetings at AA.
ZABOO: Mom--
when did you start drinking?
ZABOO'S MOM: I haven't been drinking.
But co-dependents anonymous is full of very whiny people.
So, as a step in my process, I have to go through each one of
the things that I did, and apologize for them.
FAWKES: Well that's very interesting.
ZABOO: I really appreciate that, Mom.
Hey-- a toast.
To new beginnings.
Ha.
Starting--
ZABOO'S MOM: To begin with, I took you to
modeling class, remember?
I forced you to go to it, though your runway walk was
quite jaunty, I must say.
ZABOO: Ha ha ha, yeah--
ZABOO'S MOM: I apologize for that.
FAWKES: We're learning all sorts of exciting things about
you today, aren't we?
ZABOO'S MOM: And then, at your bris--
FAWKES: Excuse me.
Isn't a bris a Jewish tradition?
ZABOO: Yeah, we're Hin-Jews.
So anyway, yeah--
ZABOO'S MOM: We had it when he was 10 years old, and invited
his entire modeling class.
I apologize for that.
ZABOO: No, you know what, it's fine--
FAWKES: You are a market researcher's wet dream.
Please, continue.
ZABOO: Dude.
Inappro, OK?
CODEX: Yeah.
Yeah, sweet face, that is quite enough of you.
FAWKES: I'm sorry, honey bunny.
Am I making everyone upset?
VORK: I'm not upset.
FAWKES: Really.
How's the construction of your guild hall coming?
The Axis just bought ours.
Deluxe.
VORK: Sasafrass!
CODEX: Honey?
Come help me in the kitchen.
FAWKES: What?
CODEX: Whatever.
Come on.
FAWKES: Excuse us.
DENA: Mel Gibson, scared!
John Malkovich, happy!
Go!
Go--
BLADEZZ: My eyelid is starting to twitch!
DENA: Robert Pattinson, ecstasy!
Pathetic.
You call yourself an actor?
BLADEZZ: [WHIMPERS]
ZABOO'S MOM: And I am so sorry I made you practice all the
opera singing at the mall food court--
ZABOO: Apology accepted for everything.
Please, just-- don't cut my meat.
C'mon, I can do this--
VORK: Why would you not want your meat cut into amenable
bite-sized portions?
Thank you.
I'm still in shock that the Axis of Anarchy has already
purchased their guild hall.
ZABOO'S MOM: Are you purchasing
real estate, Mr. Vork?
Because that is my specialty.
VORK: I've been buying and selling in-game products, but
the profit margins are too thin.
ZABOO'S MOM: Why not make your fortunes in
the commodities market?
VORK: The game doesn't have anything like that.
ZABOO'S MOM: Can you create one?
VORK: Well, I don't--
Wait a second.
You may be of value to me.
I'm shocked.

CODEX: What are you doing here?
I shouldn't have to be dealing with anyone but pretend you.
That was the deal.
FAWKES: Well, I've never had the experience of being a
boyfriend before, so I thought this would be a good
no-strings opportunity.
CODEX: I thought you only did stuff with
a girl once, remember?
FAWKES: Ah, but tonight, I am role playing myself.
CODEX: That is such BS.
Admit it.
This is a second date.
You like me.
FAWKES: I--
is there a fainting couch in the ladies' room?
CODEX: A what?
FAWKES: Since I'm role playing myself, if you were to role
play yourself?
Then it would be the first time for role playing us to do
it on a fainting couch.
CODEX: OK.
Thanks for playing along, but, as of tomorrow, I'm telling
the guild that we are officially broken up.
FAWKES: You're breaking off the fake relationship with the
pretend me.
Hm.
This is indeed a meta meta moment.
CODEX: I guess.
It was barely fun while it didn't last.
FAWKES: Ah--

It's just a little reminder of what you're passing up.

CODEX: Is there a breeze in here?
One of the most common types of romance novels is about the
reformed rake--
a devilish man whore who sleeps with anything that
moves, until he meets the one right girl who makes him hang
up his man parts to settle down for a
long, one-lady life.
She usually ends up pregnant in the epilogue.
Thank God I called it off with Fawkes before that.
Now, I just have to make up a good story to tell the guild
about our equitable parting, and I can close the book on
the whole thing.
Meanwhile, I'm filming that commercial with Bladezz
tonight, so I have to learn how to make
a film in 11 hours.
I just looked at my wrist, and I'm not wearing a watch.
So dumb.
Yeah, pregnant gamer tees are a great idea.
I don't know why people wouldn't be into them.
CLARA: We went to, like, four game stores wearing
prototypes, and people thought we were a reality show prank.
TINKERBALLA: Except one guy, who wanted us to pose for his
weird fetish website.
CODEX: Dare I ask?
CLARA: MakingItWithBabymakers.com.

Nice website.
TINKERBALLA: Hey, what's up with Vork?
He created a password-protected channel,
and he's been in there with strangers all day.
CODEX: Vork Torgothian Average channel?
[STOCK EXCHANGE SOUNDS]
VORK: What do you advise about war weed?
ZABOO'S MOM: Invest.
VORK: I need warweed--
50 gold-- need warweed at 50 gold.
ZABOO'S MOM: But sell silver.
I believe player Gankmaster is planning on
flooding the market.
He's a miner, correct?
VORK: Correct.
Got silver for 100 gold-- got silver for 100 gold.
I have to say, Mrs. Zaboo--
ZABOO'S MOM: Avinashi.
VORK: I'll never remember that.
This is brilliant.
By creating a derivatives market of the Torgothian
economy, we've added an intriguing new level of
gameplay that'll net me a tidy sum with each trade.
ZABOO: That sounds complicated.
And scammy.
VORK: It's a free market at work.
Your mother's a brilliant woman.
ZABOO'S MOM: Oh, it's my pleasure to help in
any way, Mr. Vork.
Gherkins?
VORK: Hold on a minute, woman.
I don't know where your fingers have been.

Mm.
Tolerable.
ZABOO: What's up, ladies?
CODEX: Oh, nothing.
Just trying to learn filmmaking in 24 hours.
ZABOO: Things are going awesome here.
My mom is so focused on Vork, that she's
totally ignoring me.
Ma--
gherkin.
Eee-eee-eee.
Eee-eee-eee.
Man, she always feeds me when I dolphinize.
This is great.
I really want a gherkin now, though.
OK.
Man, life is perfect.
CLARA: Zaboo, your mom and Vork hooked up?
What's in the water lately?
ZABOO: No, no.
Never that.
They're working together on the guild hall.
See, Vork's got this awesome plan laid out-- mmm--
VORK: What happens in shed, stays in shed.
CLARA: I'm not worried.
We're up to 300 K in savings.
VORK: What?
But you've been offline all day.
How will you keep up the pace of your earnings potential?
CLARA: Well, Tink and I have a secret weapon.
Blake and Gabby, keep collecting
cotton for Auntie Tink.
Kill the monsters.
BLAKE: Kill the monsters!
TINKERBALLA: Boys are stupid.
GABBY: Boys are stupid.
TINKERBALLA: These kids are growing on me.
CLARA: The Sea Festival's almost over, but by that time
Tink and me will be serving tea to the guild in a bitchin'
fairy palace.
VORK: I was visualizing custom gargoyles with my face
superimposed.
But that dream is slipping from my grasp.
ZABOO'S MOM: Oh, keep trading.
The plan will work.
VORK: Mrs. Zaboo, I don't--
[INDIAN MUSIC]
oooh--
ZABOO'S MOM: Do not resist, Mr. Vork.
You are deserving of pampering.
I cleaned out your kitchen earlier.
I threw out many expired large cans of food.
VORK: You what?
Keep your hands off my chow!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[RINGTONE]
TINKERBALLA: Oh my God.
Venom just sent me a picture of Fawkes with some chick in a
giant panda suit.
"Check out Fawkes' date last night."
CLARA: Aww, how creepy.
TINKERBALLA: That's so gross.
Wait.
Last night?
CLARA: What?
What a man skeeve.
That jerk-face is cheating on Codex?
TINKERBALLA: She wishes.
So, Codex.
How's everything going with Fawkes?
CODEX: Um, sad news.
Uh, we decided to break it off.
This morning.
Over brunch.
Prosciutto omelets, to be precise.
ZABOO: What, really?
CODEX: Yeah.
It was a mutual decision.
Let's not talk about it any more--
TINKERBALLA: Codex-- you're a total liar!
CODEX: What are you talking about?
Why?
TINKERBALLA: Venom just texted me and told me that Fawkes has
been going out with girls all week.
You guys were never dating.
You were just a one night stand.
ZABOO: Oh, that almost made me poop a little.
Uh-- it's back in.
Turtle headed.
CLARA: Codex, you're so wiley.
Like that coyote, what's-his- thingy.
CODEX: OK.
Fine, Tink, you're right.
I was lying the whole time.
I am a ho diddy ho bag.
But I only did it because I--
I cared about what you guys think about me.
And now you've made me feel worse than I already did
before, so thanks a lot.
I'm gonna go home and--
just eat a lot of calories.
TINKERBALLA: I hate it when I'm right.
Wait.
No I don't.
ZABOO: Tink, schadenfreuded.
CLARA: Gesundheit.
VORK: I was able to run down the garbage truck, but I could
salvage no green beans.
This is a disaster!
ZABOO: Vork--
Codex was lying about her and Fawkes the whole time.
And I--
I don't feel happy about it.
I just feel bad for Codex.
I'm a good friend!
Yes!
Whoo-hoo!
VORK: Very supportive.
ZABOO: Get these shoulders ready.
'Cause she's gonna cry on 'em.
Here I come, Codex!
VORK: Go get them.
And you.
Expiration dates are mere suggestions.
Like late fees, and traffic lights.
CODEX: If I think too hard about what's going on right
now, I might be a little creeped out.
But I actually appreciate you coming over.
ZABOO: No problem.
God.
This mask is tightening up all over my face.
Man, I'd never put this on another part of my body.
Well, maybe.
CODEX: Why did I think lying to the guild was a good idea?
Why did I hook up with that guy at all?
ZABOO: Don't kick yourself.
He's got some great equipment.
CODEX: How do you know?
ZABOO: I inspected him on the server.
Boot to helm.
CODEX: Oh.
Yeah, right.
His character's armor is very sexy.
ZABOO: Totally.
CODEX: Uh--
I gotta get back to Cheesybeards, film that stupid
commercial.
Work is the solace of sorrow, right?
Oh, God.
That was a quote.
ZABOO: I knew it.
You're not over him.
Well, everything has happened just as I imagined.
But don't worry, best friend.
I prepared for this.
Fawkes.
FAWKES: It takes one to forgive, two to reconcile.
Generic greeting card.
ZABOO: He's good.
CODEX: What are you doing here?
FAWKES: I wanted to see how this scene played out.
ZABOO: See?
The sidekick always reunites the heroine with the hero.
CODEX: Not if the heroine thinks the hero is
a total tool bag.
ZABOO: But I was just trying to get rid of the mopey
montage part of your sadness.
CODEX: Well, yet again, your attempts are totally well
intentioned, but overboard and inappropriate.
FAWKES: Are you sure that you're over me?
CODEX: And you--
stop trolling me in real life.
ZABOO: Bye, Fawkes.
Oh.
Oh.
[INAUDIBLE]

I got it from this guy who does van art.
The likenesses are pretty special.

CODEX: I am not going to talk about the Fawkes thing.
Or how everyone in the guild now thinks I'm a liar.
And forget about the Zaboo thing.
I am not talking about that, either.
I mean, how dense do you have to be to think that--
see?
I'm talking about all the stuff I said I wasn't gonna
talk about.
We just finished filming the Cheesybeards commercial.
We've been up all night.
Bladezz is gonna edit it, and add some graphics and stuff
before he uploads it.
I'm kind of excited to see it.
Maybe I'll discover a hidden talent for
filmmaking and win an award.
Do film festivals have a category for best local
internet commercial?
Heh.
I was daydreaming about the acceptance speech.
Stupid.
I would definitely wear something strapless.

[FESTIVE MUSIC]
BLADEZZ: Burgers ahoy!
Want to know why my roger is so [BLEEP]
jolly?
Come on down to Cheesybeards for all your
pirate burger needs!
Uh!

Enjoy.
Wow.
Cheesybeards really knows how to serve it up.
These competitors can walk the plank!
Man overboard!
Arrgh--
I'm a pirate!

So don't settle for shark bait.
Walk the plank down to Cheesybeards, and taste--
taste--
taste--
taste my pirate patty.
Cheesybeards.
OLLIE: Sherman!
I'm scuttling this project--
you're fired!
CODEX: No, no, we put a lot of work into that video.
OLLIE: Ah, it looks like a grog- dazed orangutan made it.
And what is "taste my pirate patty?" Yeah, I got a dozen
crank messages on my machine, and nothin' but
empty tables out there.
CODEX: 'Cause someone put in some editing magic before they
uploaded it, without telling me.
OLLIE: Don't pass the doubloon, Sherman.
A captain always goes down with the ship.
CODEX: OK.
Just give me one last chance.
I will get people in here, I promise.
OLLIE: Oh, Sherman.
This place is all I got.
And a man with one hand can't carve out a business for
himself every day.
BLADEZZ: Can't carve out anything if it's his dominant
hand, right?
[LAUGHTER]
OLLIE: Oo, you're a hoot, lad.
Never stop talking.
Two days, Sherman.
You get birds at the brownie buffet.
Or we're through!

Unh.
TINKERBALLA: Clara--
We agreed to print 50 t-shirts.
CLARA: I did order 50.
Then the guy said 50 gross, and I said yeah, guys would
think they're gross.
I thought he was flirting.
TINKERBALLA: A gross is 144.
50 gross is this.
CLARA: Well, can't we return them?
TINKERBALLA: Sweatshops don't do refunds.
God, we're out so much money.
MR. WIGGLY: Honey, did you make a withdrawal from our
savings account?
CLARA: I needed the seed money for the business.
MR. WIGGLY: This is for the kids' college fund.
CLARA: Oh, all of them don't need to go.
Choose one.
Don't worry.
We'll sell them all.
TINKERBALLA: And how do we plan to do that?
CLARA: Sshh, sshh--
geez, the game trading house is out of control.
Leather's up 15 gold per stack?
Is somebody hoarding it or something?
TINKERBALLA: Must be a server glitch.
VORK: Leather.
I am the Dragothian king of leather.
The power is-- ha, ha, ha--
Where's your mother?
Did she place this wig warmer here as a decoy?
Find her.
Find her!
ZABOO: In a minute.
I gotta auction off this painting.
It's just a constant reminder of my failure to become
friends with Codex.
I need a good, like, title description.
Go!
VORK: Highland Ecstasy.
ZABOO: Oh, yeah.
VORK: Zaboo, your mother's obsessed with me.
This morning she wanted to go for a walk, with no
discernible destination.
Completely baffling.
ZABOO: Dude, it's your place.
Tell her to leave.
VORK: But I need her brilliant economic mind.
One minute, she's helping me create an empire.
The next, she's trying to rearrange my novelty straw
collection.
It enrages me.
ZABOO: That's the way she operates.
She's like the wobble demon of the Iktar Plain.
She looks like a cute and cuddly bunny.
But then, it sucks the life force out of you, as soon as
you get within aggro distance.
Huh.
Highland sextacy.
That's catchy.
VORK: Agreed.
ZABOO'S MOM: Lunch time.
Tofu burgers, and beached whale vitamins.
VORK: I do not eat this type of, quote, food, unquote.
Mrs. Zaboo, this is not working out.
I need you to leave--
ZABOO'S MOM: Oh-- you've cornered the leather market.
But with the price so high, the customer
base is sure to decline.
VORK: It will?
What do I do?
ZABOO'S MOM: Oh.
Start a loan company.
With that, you can get interest and trading fees.
But--
you were about to say something.
VORK: Nothing.
ZABOO: Wobble demoned.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
CODEX: Can you hear me?
Hi.
Guys?
ZABOO: Hey, Codex.
Great commercial.
CLARA: Yeah.
It's so bad, I linked it to everyone I know.
CODEX: Ollie's so mad at me.
I came home after lunch 'cause I started crying
in my Scurvy Fries.
TINKERBALLA: Codex-- your mike is messed up.
You sound like a chipmunk.
CODEX: I know.
My computer's still not working.
I'm thoroughly worried--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
I want to apologize for lying to everybody.
You guys--
don't yell at me--
SOBBING]
TINKERBALLA: You're not going to let me boot her, are you?
CLARA: No.
It's super annoying, but we should do something.
CODEX: Thanks for letting me come over.
It's nice to know everyone in the guild doesn't hate me for
being a lying whore-bag.
CLARA: We don't hate you.
We're excited for you.

[COUGHS]
CODEX: Clara--
this is pure vodka.
CLARA: I'm a mom at heart.
Drink up, honey.
TINKERBALLA: I knew the whole Fawkes thing didn't add up.
He wanted you as a girlfriend, but only wanted to go on one
date with me?
Achh.
Impossible.
CODEX: Wait.
You went out with him, too?
TINKERBALLA: How do you think I got into
their guild so quick?
I don't do trial periods.
CODEX: No wonder you were so mad at me.
Listen, I know exactly how you feel.
When you have sex with someone, you think it's gonna
be a long time deal, you know?
TINKERBALLA: Sex?
Let's be clear.
He only got to second base with me.
And my second base is really everyone else's first.
CODEX: Wow.
You know when you play in an area that's way too high-level
for you, so you have to get killed over and over again
before you wise up and go back to an easier area to play?
TINKERBALLA: Is this going somewhere?
CODEX: That's what I've been doing in real life.
Fawkes was too high level for me, this job is too
high level for me.
I mean, why did I think I could ever get people to eat
at a restaurant?
I don't have that skill set.
That's it.
I give up.
I'm not going back.
CLARA: I'd have Wiggly take the family, but it is the last
day of the Sea Festival, so--
CODEX: It's OK.
I have a backup plan to get a new computer.
TINKERBALLA: Youre lying again.
CODEX: You're right.
Can I take the sippy cup with me?
CLARA: Yeah.
CODEX: Thank you.

ZABOO: Is Codex OK?
Tell her I picked all the wrong
dialogue options yesterday.
If I could reload my save game, I totally would.
TINKERBALLA: She just left.
But, I was nice to her, and I feel good about myself.
That's all that's interesting right now.
CLARA: She's totally bummed about the whole
Cheesybeards thing.
She said she's not going back.
ZABOO: We gotta help her.
And I have to participate in an extremely moderate way.
CLARA: We do.
Now how to get people to the restaurant?
Oh my God, my thinking cap just gave me a great idea.
ZABOO: Yes.
An Idea.
From Clara.
CLARA: I know, right?

CODEX: Ooh--
three relationships in my life have ended with a whimper.
A boyfriend in high school, a boyfriend in college, and my
cousin Christine.
After a while we just stopped calling each other.
They faded away.
It was easier that way.
No messy break-ups.
Well, Christine forged my signature and took a bunch of
credit cards out in my name, so, I guess that's a whole
'nother story.
Now, I'm adding one more name to that list--
Ollie.
Pirate man.
Maybe he won't even notice I'm gone.
I hope he doesn't track me down and keelhaul me.
I wish I had a working computer.
I could look up what that word really means.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Oh--
It's Ollie.
So much for a whimper.
Rude.
Ohh--
[MUSIC PLAYS]
ZABOO: The fabric is milk-resistant.
Oh, hey--
Welcome to Cheesybeards.
And the Festival Under the Sea Festival.
TINKERBALLA: Zaboo--
I told you to stop saying that.
It's stupid and redundant.
ZABOO: Well, welcome to Cheesybeards, and the Festival
Under the Sea event.
That is not a festival.
CODEX: You guys, what's going on here?
CLARA: Well, we threw it together
after you left my house.
Thanks to my plus 20, too intelligent squid hat.
ZABOO: Yeah, we spammed general chat, and everyone
showed up to celebrate the last day of the Festival Under
the Sea Fest--
uh-- thing-a- ma- bob.
CLARA: And Pregamers even has a place to sell shirts to
pregnant gamer ladies.
CUSTOMER: Awesome.
I'll take one of those.
CLARA: Oh, but we're not--
TINKERBALLA: Give our largest shirt to this man over here.
It'll fit fine.
ZABOO: And Bladezz actually helped, in exchange for some
stage space.
CUSTOMER 2: My brother did a mash-up of you
and keyboard cat.
Can I have your autograph?
BLADEZZ: Well, yeah.
Uh, which boob do I sign?
CUSTOMER 2: Oh my god-- he's just as skeevy in real life.
BLADEZZ: Yeah.
OLLIE: A--
hoy.
Well, you've, uh, blown a fair wind.
CODEX: Actually, I didn't--
CLARA: Lie, lie.
You're good at that now, remember?
OLLIE: What?
Eh?
CODEX: Um, thank you.
Ollie.
It's been a lot to coordinate from my home, but, uh, I think
everything has turned out great.
OLLIE: Yeah, well, you filled the galley tighter than a
booty chest.
[LAUGHTER]
Entertainment?
Eh?
CLARA: Oh--
Bladezz is gonna put on a magic show later.
OLLIE: Oh.
CODEX: Yeah, that.
ZABOO: And the 8-bit band got cut, 'cause we didn't want to
go overboard on anything.
OLLIE: No band?
No worries.
We can drop anchor for that, eh?
Eh, beauty?
[SINGS]
So I pull off their balls, and sever their heads, ran them
all through till the deck had run red, scooped up the goop
from their skull like molasses, pulled out their
lungs and filleted their asses, served a--
VORK: Mrs. Zaboo, I can handle my own drinking, thank you.
OLLIE: --my belly was full by the time I was through.
[LAUGHTER]
Arrgh.

VORK: Will not happen, sir.
OLLIE: Oh, you cheap bastard.
ZABOO: Great lute playing, Codex.
CODEX: I only know three chords.
ZABOO: Three amazing chords.
Heh.
FLUFFYKINS: Sir Vork?
I need to talk to you about my potion portfolio?
VORK: Fluffykins, of Gigglebunny guild, I presume?
FLUFFYKINS: No one's investing in the potion market.
It's hit bottom.
I need another week to pay my debt back.
VORK: You should have considered the long-term
repercussions, before you took a game loan through my Knights
of Goloanar Corp.
FLUFFYKINS: It seems unfair that you run
the stocks and loans.
VORK: Are you trying to regulate me, sir?
Are you a socialist?
ZABOO'S MOM: The price of Infinite Potion
has hit a new low.
VORK: Fluffykins, I suggest you start grinding.
The deadline stays.
[BANG]
FLUFFYKINS: Mm!
ZABOO: Vork, you can't keep manipulating the game.
You're bankrupting people.
VORK: Amassing a fortune will benefit the game economy in
the long run.
ZABOO: Trickle downed.
VORK: The guild hall is within my reach.

ZABOO'S MOM: Oopsie, Mr. Vork.
Allow me.

There.
All better.
VORK: Zaboo.
I'm going to the men's bathroom.
Accompany me.

CODEX: Oh, no.
OLLIE: Well.
How 'bout a ballad, mateys?
FAWKES: Music is essentially useless.
Santayana.
OLLIE: How'd you like to scrape a
barnacle off me rudder?
Eh, shark bait?!
FAWKES: Nice hook.
CODEX: So, it's nice to--
I'm seein' ya.
Heh.
VALKYRIE: Hey, yeah, I heard this whole "lass" look was
coming back in this season-- huh, huh-- but gratz.
You managed to make it look really awkward.
RILEY: She looks OK.
Let me get you one of those, my sweet.
Be my wench?
VENOM: Any day of the week.
FAWKES: I was just pointing out the table where you begged
me to date you.
That experience inspired me to blog about the feminine ego.
Got tons of up votes at Reddit.
CODEX: Should I be impressed?
FAWKES: Well it made the front page, so--
yes.
CODEX: Well, I don't have to suck up your snark anymore, so
go blow a fair wind outta your arggh holes.

VORK: Dry!
Dry!
I've been poisoned.
ZABOO: Dude, that's what moms do, man.
I mean, she's been licking my hair since I
was four years old.
In lieu of shampoo.
VORK: But this is 50% of my wardrobe that I have to burn
when I arrive home.
What are you doing?
ZABOO: I'm going to the bathroom,
'cause we're in a bathroom.
VORK: This is a conference.
Find a better time and place.
ZABOO: I'm in mid-stream.
VORK: Auhh--
just hurry up.
[GASP]
FAWKES: Go out with me again.
CODEX: Are you kidding?
Now?
Why?
Why, why now?
FAWKES: Contrary to my expectations, this entire
experience has been very interesting to me.
You're interesting, Codex.
And that has surprised me.
CODEX: Well, you have been a total d-bag.
So, that has not surprised me.
Why would I go out with you again?
FAWKES: I make good brownies?
JEANETTE: Look at that.
It's good to see you again, cutie.
FAWKES: Ah, you must be the waitress.
I will have a glass of water, please, room
temperature, no ice.
Thank you.
JEANETTE: Oh, no.
You think you can just get all up in Jeanette and then treat
her like hired help?
CODEX: You got all up in Jeanette?
FAWKES: Well, I was until very recently an epicurean--
JEANETTE: I'm gonna give you something
there is no cure for.
FAWKES: Whoop!

VORK: 'Cause your bladder's like the Hindenburg.
ZABOO: OK, I'm done, I'm done.
VORK: Now look, Zaboo.
We need to jettison your mom out of our lives completely.
Tell me what repulses women.
It seems to be your specialty.
You're very, very good at it.
ZABOO: Well, I don't know, I mean, Codex says I overdo
everything, so why don't you just go overboard, you know,
make a giant gesture that's really inappropriate, and then
she'll run the other way.
VORK: Go overboard.
OK.
Formulating--
ZABOO: I, I know this guy who does van art, so--
collect fingernail clippings, and make a necklace out of--
VORK: Stop.
I've got it.
Let's go.
ZABOO: All right.
I'm going.
Uh--
I gotta wash my hands It's the law.
JEANETTE: I've had better sex with a bicycle seat.
[CRASH]
TINKERBALLA: That satisfies something in my brain.
Like, a lot.
CODEX: Jeanette must be a boxer.
JEANETTE: Mixed martial arts.
CODEX: I am such an idiot with men.
This is a lesson.
Paladins over Rogues.
TINKERBALLA: You should make a men's litmus test.
It's the one thing in chemistry I learned when I
wasn't sleeping.
CODEX: A litmus test?
What do you mean?
Like, a checklist or something?
TINKERBALLA: I did the negatives.
No misers, no amputees, no cuddlers.
CODEX: That's a weird list.
OK.
I can do that.
And then the next time someone asks me out, I will say,
excuse me, and consult my list before responding.
TINKERBALLA: Uh, yeah.
You better stick to online dating.
DENA: Hey, wench.
Bladezz needs you to help him out with the magic show.
CODEX: Can't you do it?
DENA: I'm center stage, or nothing at all.

BLADEZZ: Is that your card?
VALKYRIE: No.
BLADEZZ: Are you sure?
I believe it is.
VALKYRIE: Prove it.

VORK: I'll cut to the chase, because I want this to end.
Mrs. Zaboo?
Will you marry me?
ZABOO'S MOM: Oh my goodness--
yes.
Yes, I will.
ZABOO: So.
What'd I miss?
BLADEZZ: Ladies and Gentlemen--
for my next trick, that I have never done
before, I will eat fire.
[APPLAUSE]
[FIRE EXPLODES]
[SCREAMS]
OLLIE: Fire in the hole!

CODEX: I can't believe Ollie fired us because we set the
restaurant on fire.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm sorry.
It's just, like, so lamely ironic.
I'm never getting a new computer now.
Well that sobered me up.
Someone filmed the whole thing from the audience and posted
it, so now Bladezz is even more internet famous.
And, if possible, more irritating.
This is a good life lesson--
never try anything new, or you will fail.
What else is going on?
Oh, yeah--
Vork is marrying Zaboo's mom.
[LAUGHS]
I'm laughing, because that sounds so crazy.
I think I'm hysterical.
Heh.
ZABOO: Codex.
Please, talk to him.
I can't become related to Vork.
If that happens, I'm gonna replace all my organs with
clockwork, and then sell myself to a Steampunk museum.
Ah, ah--
CODEX: Hey, hey, hey, stop it.
Stop.
OK, calm down.
Vork--
you do not want to do this.
VORK: Of course I don't.
The very thought of marrying this woman
makes my prostate throb.
[KNOCKING]
ZABOO'S MOM: Fiance Vork, the ASPCA has come and taken all
your birds.
Their sound is quite distracting.
VORK: I understand.
[BLOWS A KISS]
VORK: Mentally, I'm in hospice, waiting to die.
Numb.
So numb.
CODEX: So just tell her you changed your mind.
VORK: A verbal offer of marriage is a contractual
obligation.
Herman Holden's word is his honor.
His honor, by Jupiter!
CLARA: Codex, stop trying to ruin my fun.
I'm so deep into wedding planning now.
Horses' ovaries for everyone.
Num, num, num, num, num.
TINKERBALLA: Don't you mean hors d'oeuvres?
CLARA: Sure, we can have those, too.
CODEX: Wait, wait-- so you're planning it?
Didn't you just skip your own sister's wedding?
CLARA: Zaboo's mom is letting me be a
bridesmaid, not a matron.
Plus, we're having it at my house, so the
commute's super easy.
CODEX: Give it some time.
Vork will come to his senses.
CLARA: So 7:00 PM tomorrow.
I'm drafting the cyber-vite now.
ZABOO: Tomorrow?
What?
Are you kidding me?
CLARA: Wiggly's ordained.
There's no need to delay.
ZABOO: Oh-- it sounds realler now.
Oo.
Oh, dry heaved.
CODEX: Ew.
[DOORBELL]
ZABOO: I'll get it.
CODEX: If that's a subpoena from Ollie, do not take it.
I'm too delicate for jail time.
Vork, stop this insanity.
VORK: From a practical standpoint, this situation
does have its advantages.
She's already set the precedent
for paying for meals.
I think a carefully worded pre-nuptial agreement could
establish acceptable living parameters.
How do you spell "saliva?"
CODEX: What is that?
CLARA: How much do you think an ice sculpture of Vork's
game character and Avinashi in a sari would cost?
TINKERBALLA: Clara?
We sold 12 shirts yesterday, but we still have tons of
stock left.
So what's our next step?
CLARA: Business talk is so fun.
Let me do one.
We must strategize, to monetize.
How fancy do I sound?
TINKERBALLA: This isn't a game.
We're supposed to be making money, but
we're not doing that.
CLARA: That's OK.
I'm done now.
TINKERBALLA: What?
With what?
CLARA: I think I should focus on being pregnant.
I have to work in game and the kids like to hang out with me
some, so that's a lot.
TINKERBALLA: But we have 7,000 shirts left.
CLARA: Well, we can just put 'em in the wedding gift bags.
OK--
remember to bring your mom's garter belt to the reception.
ZABOO: And you are web cammed.
CODEX: I can't believe you bought me a new computer.
I should make you send it back.
ZABOO: No guilt.
It's legitimately yours.
I paid for it by eBaying that painting of you and Fawkes.
CODEX: Wait, are you kidding?
Who'd buy that thing?
ZABOO: An author.
Yelena Caress, for her new romance novel--
"As His Kilt Rises."
CODEX: I read all her stuff.
I'll probably buy that one in e-book, though.
ZABOO: You know, it was really tough just becoming, like,
just your friend, But I think our relationship has been
successfully retconned.
What is this?
Litmus test.
Kind, funny, smells good, gamer--
CODEX: That's nothing.
You are right.
We have come a long way.
I mean, not that a physical object can really transform.
That's shallow.
You are a really good friend.
OK, I'm logging on, for the first time.
I'm so excited.
ZABOO: I am too!

VORK: Guildies, I'd like to focus your attention on
something very important.
ZABOO: More important than you marrying my mom?
VORK: I have earned a half a million gold, and I am about
to purchase the Knights of Good guild hall.
ZABOO: Oot!
Thanks for waiting for us to log back on.
CLARA: Vork, how did you get that much money
in such little time?
Hacks.
VORK: Innovation, my friends.
I am a titan of industry.
A financial wizard.
So very rich.
Mm, mm mm.
CODEX: But you've made everything so expensive
in-game, nobody can afford anything anymore.
VORK: There has been a touch of inflation.
But I expect the market to self-adjust within six months.
CLARA: Business words aren't fun when you say them.
VORK: Everyone--
gather to me, and behold the glory that is the Knights of
Good deluxe guild hall.
ZABOO: Oo.
CODEX: It kinda looks like a prison.
VORK: You're welcome.
ZABOO: OK, now that we have it, what do we do with it?
VORK: We gather in it.
Son.
ZABOO: Did he just call me "son?"
CODEX: This keyboard is so responsive.

TINKERBALLA: I came back.
CLARA: You left?
TINKERBALLA: I just wanted to say that I like doing business
with you, hanging out is fun, and I'd like to
keep working together.
Please?
CLARA: Oh my gosh.
Did you just use the p-word?
TINKERBALLA: Yes.
You're a stupid influence.
CLARA: Aw.
CODEX: Zaboo?

OK.
This quiet calm thing you're doing right now?
This is--
this is freaking me out.
ZABOO: Codex.
Stop the wedding.
CODEX: OK.
ZABOO: You have to stop the wedding.
CODEX: Don't worry.
I will do this.
Nothing can get in the way of true friendship, if you're
determined, and truth is on your side.
[BELL CHIMES]
CODEX: I thought if I said it with determination, something
would come to me.
ZABOO: This is the nightmare level.
Just Control- Alt- Delete me.
VORK: Unfortunately, my new paternal role will require us
to spend more quality time with each other.
I am now looking forward to enjoying this sporting object
in an outdoor setting with you.

CODEX: Bladezz.
What the-- ?
ZABOO: Oh.
The devil's here.
That makes sense.
BLADEZZ: Sorry I'm late.
Been busy with fan maintenance, baby.
Live chats, vlogging--
the job of being me is 24/7 now.
MR. WIGGLY: Uh, the bride is ready for the--
the-- yeah.
Please be seated.

[MUSIC PLAYING - THE WEDDING MARCH]

ZABOO'S MOM: What is this?
CLARA: I made your character just like you.
Except taller.

MR. WIGGLY: We are gathered here today--
TINKERBALLA: We can't hear you.
MR. WIGGLY: Sorry.
Button pushed.
We are gathered here today to join these two video game
characters in cyber matrimony.
ZABOO'S MOM: This is very confusing.
MR. WIGGLY: Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
CODEX: So we're all in Clara's dining room.
I'm playing the wedding march into my desktop, and I look
around, and we look like some freaky reality show. "Amazing
Geeks," or "Nerdy Shore," or "The Biggest Losers," or--
never mind.
Zaboo tried so hard to be a good friend to me.
I really owed it to him to try to do something
to stop this wedding.
And it's not because he gave me a new computer, OK?
That's where I'm doing this from-- do I look fancier?
Sorry.
We really have become friends.
Despite his complete lack of social skills, Zaboo is a
smart, funny guy.
He's kind, and considerate--
oh, God, those are all things on my litmus test.
I gotta make this list way longer.
Good wardrobe, biceps, hairless fingers--
no, that's creepy.

MR. WIGGLY: And if anyone present objects to this union,
speak now, or forever hold your peace.
UNISON: I object.
MR. WIGGLY: I don't think you're
supposed to actually answer.
It's just a formality.
BLADEZZ: Well that seems pretty unanimous.
So who wants to run a dungeon?
CLARA: I said no because I want to move to a
prettier game area.
The screen shots in here are terrible.
TINKERBALLA: The thought of Vork with any woman makes me
want to toss my boba.
But Zaboo's mom?
You're bat- [BLEEP]
crazy.
CODEX: I objected.
All right, did you see that?
I objected.
If there's anything I've learned in the last week, it's
that honesty is the best policy.
Or, if you're going to lie, you gotta cover your tracks
really well, and make sure there are no furrys involved.
Heh.
Anyway, Zaboo's mom--
are you 100% sure that you want to marry Vork?

ZABOO'S MOM: I have nothing to go home to but an empty house.
Even though I can't abide the idea of touching Mr. Vork in
an intimate way, I'm desperate.
VORK: Are you referring to my in- game
or out of game character?
TINKERBALLA: Your out of game character?
Meaning you?
ZABOO'S MOM: And this way?
At least I can be with my son.
Even though he doesn't want me.
CODEX: So you're gonna marry someone you can't stand in
order to be close to someone who doesn't
want to be near you?
Tink is right.
That's kind bat [BLEEP]
crazy.
Heh, oh.
MR. WIGGLY: Uh, Clara?
Something bad is happening.
CLARA: Don't worry, honey.
She's only a level one.
Two seconds, and we can flatten her.
ZABOO: Mom?
CODEX: In-game.
Do it in-game.
ZABOO: Right.
Mom?
You came here to apologize to me for your
past mistakes, but--
you're not the only one.
I made a mistake, too.
And that was believing that you couldn't change.
And--
Dudes!
Could you not duel for one second while I deal with this?
Look, Mom--
I'm sorry.
I was wrong to make you feel unwanted.
But you don't have to settle for this awful, awful future.
You deserve better.
VORK: Uh, did I imbibe an invisibility spell?
Hello?
ZABOO'S MOM: You are so like your father.
Kind, loyal, smart.
I wish I could make amends with him, too.
CODEX: Whoa.
Litmus tested.
ZABOO: What?
Mom?
You don't have to marry Vork just hang out with me.
Occasionally.
On weekends.
Or, every other weekend.
ZABOO'S MOM: I'm so relieved.
If I had to do that, I would have just
drowned myself in a bathtub.
VORK: Then we should call it off.
Another crime scene is the last thing I
need in that house.
You should know, however, widows statistically have a
higher suicide rate.
And are more vulnerable to extortion
schemes and home invasions.
ZABOO'S MOM: How do I hug you in this game?
UNISON: Type "slash hug."
KEVINATOR: Knights of Good?
[FANFARE]
Direct me to your leaders.
TINKERBALLA: Oh my God.
That's the Death Lion Breast Plate.

VORK: I am Vork.
Guild leader of the Knights of Good.
MALE VOICE: I'm Kevinator.
Official game master.
CLARA: A GM?
In person?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
VORK: Here's my pitch.
KEVINATOR: Guys--
I'm not here to help.
I'm here to rip XP out of someone's poop chute.
ZABOO'S MOM: Excuse me?
We are in the middle of my called-off wedding.
[ELECTRICAL ZAP]
What just happened?
CLARA: He's one of the people who work on the game.
Bow to your master.
KEVINATOR: Someone in this lame-ass guild is running an
illegal operation that's pretty much screwing with the
whole server economy.
Yeah, that would be Vork's Torgothian stock market.
Did you get my complaint?
VORK: Tattle Tink.
You're the worst in the country.
KEVINATOR: Dude?
I gotta shut you down.
If I see another forum post about inflated herb prices,
I'm gonna start destroying things.
And I can do that.
Because I am a god here.
[ZAP]
[ZAP]
[ZAP]
VORK: You can't shut me down.
It's the free market in action.
KEVINATOR: Yeah?
I'm gonna perma-ban you if you don't.
I can do that.
You wanna dance with me?
[ELECTRICAL SOUNDS]
ZABOO: Kevinator's kind of a dick.
VORK: Fine.
But you, sir, are a tyrant.
KEVINATOR: Read your terms of service.
This game ain't a democracy.
CODEX: Wait.
So, does that mean that half million gold that Vork earned
is technically illegal as well?
KEVINATOR: Heck, yeah.
I should take that back.
And I can, because I--
CODEX: Yeah.
Yeah, you told us.
VORK: Ha!
I sheltered it in physical assets.
Eat that, Fed.
CLARA: Vork used it to buy this guild hall.
KEVINATOR: This place cost half a million G's?
Looks like a sodomy cell.
CODEX: Well, uh, maybe you could help us with that?

I'm a girl-- in real life.
And I look just like this.
KEVINATOR: Yeah.
Nice character design.
Yeah, I can swing it.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
[CRASHING NOISES]
CLARA: Oh my gosh.

Tink, it's our design.
It's so beautiful.
Oh, honey, I want to paint our bedroom like this.
VORK: Aw, gah--
MR. WIGGLY: Can I log off now?
VORK: First I get left at the altar, now this.
I want to sob on principle.
BLADEZZ: I wanna vomit, but it would match the decor.
KEVINATOR: Anyone ever tell you your character looks like
that cheesy pirate dude?
BLADEZZ: Look like that dude?
Buddy, I am that dude.
KEVINATOR: No way.
Say "taste my pirate patty."
BLADEZZ: Ahem--
taste my pirate patty.
KEVINATOR: Dude!
You're the dude!
Walk with me?

CODEX: That was close.
Good job.
ZABOO: Thanks, best friend.
Being nice to my mom was a trippy experience.
Kinda like that movie Psycho, but with a happy ending.
Hey.
You forward slash hand-holded me.
CODEX: Ah, I was just-- eh--
trying it out.
BLADEZZ: Man, Kevinator is all over me about being the
Cheesybeards dude.
CODEX: We know.
You're insufferable.
BLADEZZ: But he wants me to come to the gaming convention.
Make me a guest.
And I hooked us all up with tickets.
You guys can be my manservant entourage.
CLARA: A gaming convention?
CODEX: There's gonna be a convention?
With the game?
VORK: Where did my grief go?
ZABOO: There's seriously a convention?
CLARA: We're going to a convention--
MR. WIGGLY: Yeah, honey, about that--
CLARA: Wooooo--
[MUSIC PLAYING]