BIRTH CONTROL VS. FAKE CHRISTIANS! @JohnFugelsang / Caffeinated #18

Uploaded by POLIPOP on 20.11.2012

There's this Holy Bible story about this guy named Onan and whether you have heard of him
or not I can guarantee that in some point in your life Onan has touched you.
And right now Onan is at the center of one of the fiercest American political debates
over the Catholic Church and birth control. In early 2012 the Affordable Care Act - that's
Obamacare - that evil, socialist, policy that's not actually socialist. Well the ACA mandated
that employers would have to cover contraception for women as it's a legitimate health issue.
Some of my fellow Catholics flipped out saying that forcing church-run businesses to offer
contraception to women is a violation of their beliefs. Viagra for guys, that's still covered,
but contraception is a sin and you can't be devout unless your pumpin 'em out. So the
Obama white house caved like an unregulated coal mine and granted exemptions for churches
and that’s, that's fine, God Bless, but some Republicans still say this is still proof
of President Obama's war on religion. And the media went nuts about how this story proves
that Christianity is under assault. Now, I like this debate because anti-birth control
politicians really are the best argument for birth control. But here is what I haven't
heard too much in the media: Where exactly does the bible ever say that birth control
is wrong? Here now is everything Jesus Christ ever said about the subject:
That's right! Jesus talked about birth control exactly as much as monster trucks, soy lattes,
and Honey Boo-Boo. Where does the Vatican get this rule from? Well originally they get
it from the story of Onan. Book of Genesis, oldJudah has two grown sons: Onan, and his
older brother Er, which is spelled just like the way it sounds. And Er was an evil man
given to rank acts of wickedness possibly he was pissed that they had named him Er.
But God didn't like him. So one day God smites Er! That's how God solves his problems in
the book, that's how you know he's a man. So old Judah runs up to Er's younger brother
Onan and says, "My son, your brother never had a child of his own. God wants you to go
on unto thy brother's widow and continue his bloodline." Now Onan didn't feel right about
impregnating his recently dead brother's widow, the poor guy's not even cold yet. It does
sound like a very primitive white trash sitcom - but you gotta do what the Lord and Law command,
right? And we don't know how Onan set the mood, if he burned some incense, or brought
some cheap Mateus or gave her a CD with his favorite Nickleback and Adele songs...I dunno
historically these guys weren't really huge on foreplay, but he goes in and starts doing
the lords work until he realizes that this whole thing is nuts and the law makes no sense!
So just before he is about to reach the point of no return, Onan creates the rhythm method
as we know it and spills his seed all over the ground. This INFURIATES the lord who I
guess he...likes to watch and he smites Onan, The End. Now I like this story. You may not
have heard it as a child, it doesn't find it's way into too many bible coloring books.
But it got the point across: the sin of Onan was that he disobeyed a direct order from
the commander in chief. But somewhere, somehow, someone in history decided "No, that's not
the sin. He spilled his seed. No baby. THAT's the sin." So this charming anecdote became
one of the original reasons behind the church forbidding any non-procreative sex: so same-sex
relationships, masturbation, and birth control are all sins against the will of God because
of this story. So even if you believe that every word of the bible is absolutely literal
fact, you still have to agree that we are looking at thousands of years of useless guilt
and shame because a dead guy got the story wrong. Now I don't mean to be mean to the
Pope, although Popes can be wrong. If you don't believe me, Galileo has a sun that revolves
around the earth that he would like to sell you. So go ahead, oppose contraception because
you're Catholic. But don't say you're doing it because you're Christian. The Church, like
Onan's tribe, is really all about keeping their numbers up. Now I know what you're thinking,
"but hey the Bible says be fruitful and multiply!". Why yes it does, but if the Pope is against
birth control because the bible says be fruitful and multiply, where does the Pope get off
being celibate?? And also, when God said be fruitful and multiply there were exactly two
people on earth, now: 7 billion. I think we can call this mission accomplished. We wanna
know what you think so please subscribe, and give us a like, and give us your comments
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and Subscribe to ALL the great shows here on Polypop. I'm John Fugelsang
reminding you contraception is still the most effective form of birth control for women
and the most effective form of birth control for men is to maintain an extensive action
figure collection.