Never Mind the Buzzcocks S23E04 + ENG & RUS SUBS

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome tonight's host -
'the fast-rising star of television's biggest hit.
'You may not have heard of him, but I know you've been busy recently.
'It's Mr Jack Whitehall!'
Could, er... Could we get the rest of it?
'His hilarious comedy and brilliant mind make him an ideal candidate for this show.
'So let's give him the benefit of the doubt.'
Well, you guys seem to know a lot about me, but what about the other people who are on the show?
On Noel's team...
# White lies, just another white lie... #
He is one of Kanye West's all-time top 20 recording artists. But, to be fair, 1 to 15 were all Kanye West.
It's Mr Hudson.
Also on Noel's team - she's the host of Loose Women,
the feminist fightback against the objectification of females on TV.
But, since you ask, I'd shag Brambles, marry McLean and push McGiffin off a cliff.
It's Andrea McLean!
And on Phill's team tonight...
# Forever is over... #
She is from The Saturdays - the teenage answer to Girls Aloud, if Girls Aloud were asking,
"I wonder what we'd be like if we had slightly less catchy songs." It's Rochelle Wiseman.
And housewives love him, comedy fans love him,
people who are sleeping in their cars because they owe massive amounts of money
on their outrageously high interest rate platinum cards, less so. It's Stephen Mangan.
Those are the teams. It would be stupid not to use them for a pop quiz!
So, we begin with Connections. Noel, Mr Hudson and Andrea, take a look at this.
# When you walked through the door it was clear to me... #
A white guy with a pseudonym and bleach-blond hair who hangs around with rappers? Pathetic!
It's two-bit Mr Hudson wannabe, Eminem.
# Everybody wants you... #
# When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star... #
And a group of talentless, scantily clad women dancing along to songs they didn't even write?
Pathetic!
It's two-bit Saturdays wannabes, the Pussycat Dolls.
You know what? Me and you are going to fall out!
Oh! Early on with the things!
That was Eminem with We Made You and the Pussycat Dolls with When I Grow Up.
But what connection do they have?
I feel like I'm at a party and someone's nan's just died.
Look at Eminem - I love the way he dresses up.
When he looked like Spock then, he actually looked like this simpleton that used to live...
When I was a little kid...
You're allowed to say "simpleton," aren't you? Yeah.
Apparently you can say "retard" as much as you like in America. Really?!
So, if you like The Mighty Boosh, you'd say The Mighty Boosh is retarded.
It's a nice thing? Noel's retarded, saying you're really good.
You can say "retard" in Hull because it means you've given up your job.
"I've reta-a-ard."
Yeah. You.
Kids say to me, "What is you?"
Yeah, "What is you?" Not, "What ARE you?" or, "What are you doing?" Just, "What is you?" No grammar these days.
And the other thing they say is, "Yeah, I seen your show, that is sick."
I get confused with the whole youth/ASBO stuff.
One minute, all the young kids, you read in the newspapers, it's all ASBOs and knife crime, gun crime.
Next minute, they're all too fat and they've eaten too much.
I'm not worried to walk down the street unless I'm attacked by a fat kid with a knife AND a fork.
You know one of the Pussycat Dolls, don't you?
Yeah, I met Kimberly the other day and she's very talented, I'll have you know.
Which one's Kimberly? The little blonde one. OK.
Cos there's one that's quite fit and the rest are all a bit...ropey.
She came on Loose Women once, and she can put her leg right up behind her ear. She's very flexible.
My favourite thing ever on Loose Women is when you have really young...
Cos I saw... Rochelle, you did Loose Women. Yeah. It was brilliant. Go on, I'm waiting for it.
No. Cos you're there, and you see McGiffin and Jane McDonald either side just staring at them, thinking,
"Uh...God! Look at these young women with the cheek to come on here!"
Every time Rochelle spoke I couldn't hear her over the noise of Carol McGiffin's body clock going...
A menopausal time bomb. Brilliant. That's television.
And Jane McDonald, the one at the end, the Northern one. Oh, I love Jane.
"Ey up, I still have sex with my husband!"
Really?!
We were thinking that maybe there's something to do with dolls.
I've got a funny feeling that Eminem might be launching an Eminem doll, with the chainsaw and mask.
What, like a blow-up doll?
Eminem has got a doll of himself, we reckon. And maybe the Pussycat Dolls are like Russian dolls.
They just get smaller and smaller...
until there's one just like a peanut inside.
I think they've both made dolls of themselves.
I'm going to be honest, it's a guess. You're really close.
Rochelle, have you ever had any Saturdays dolls? No.
What about S Club Juniors? You were in S Club Juniors.
We didn't do dolls with S Club... That would be really wrong! I loved S Club Juniors. Shut up, you! I did!
I actually really liked S Club Juniors. You were my favourite.
Then Frankie, Hannah, Daisy, Calvin, Jay, and Aaron last.
Why Aaron last? Because I didn't like him because of that calendar you did. He looked a bit surly.
Yours is really good in June.
Not in a weird way. That's my era!
You've got the dolls but what's happened to the dolls?
Why... What links the dolls?
Were they withdrawn for being too risque?
Yes. Well done. Oh.
Both had toys based on their image withdrawn from shops. The Pussycat Dolls for being too sexy,
and Eminem because his action figure featured a chainsaw and a tattoo across his neck saying "cut here."
They are not the only acts to have brought out action figures.
We're lucky enough to have some of the Sugababes dolls here.
Basically, pick any three.
My God, Skeletor was in the Sugababes, apparently.
Probably bullied out by Mutya!
Phill, Rochelle and Stephen, take a look at this.
# I would call you up every Saturday night... #
Ugh! I can't stand that guy. He is far too posh to be a pop star,
as I told Papa the other day as we popped into Waitrose to top up on swanskin cummerbunds.
It's James Blunt.
# Why do birds sing so gay...#
"Hi, Diana! It's Michael Jackson here.
"If I ever die, will you look after my kids for me?" "Uh, I guess."
"What about if you die? Do you want me to..." Be-e-e-e-p.
"Hello?"
It's Diana Ross.
# Why do they fall in love? #
That was James Blunt with 1973 and Diana Ross with Why Do Fools Fall In Love, but what connects the two?
James Blunt's brilliant, isn't he? He's a legend.
Jamie B-Lunt. The Bluntmeister. Blunt-o. Bluntmaster Flash. Yeah.
Cockney rhyming slang. Ooh!
That's not even his real name - Blunt - that's his stage name.
He's changed. His original name was James Wallentless Twat.
It's a fact.
There was some writing on the cafe window. There was indeed.
She was running past the sign that said, "See Dealers Hole."
You could see the dealer's hole... if you tip well. Right. OK.
Oh, but there was a sign that said "Mexican food."
It said "Mexican food" and she is dressed in BacoFoil. Mm.
Have you ever met either of these, you being a pop star? Met James Blunt. What happened? Did he, er...
Not a lot. Did he tell truths? Was he nice? I don't think he was too interested.
Did you get snubbed by Blunt? I think so.
That is the most embarrassing thing I've ever heard. I got pie in the face with Blunty.
He was a soldier. He was. Where's friendly fire when you need it?
Is it anything to do with the army? Is it military in any way? It's not military based.
Can we have a little clue? It's quite hard. It's got nothing to do with bats.
Seriously, just a little clue. It's got nothing to do with... the Third Reich. Oh, you know what.
My next answer was actually going to be that both Diana Ross and James Blunt
have opened Hitler-themed bat sanctuaries.
My friend met James Blunt in a club once
and went up to him and said, "Your music's shit!" and he went, "I know."
Really?! It's depressing, yeah.
I want to know, why did S Club Juniors end?
We all got boobs and bums and stopped being juniors, I guess.
Did someone leave first? No. No? No.
Someone's mum come to pick them up.
Cos you had a band, but you're not any more. It's complicated. What happened?
It's Mr Hudson and the Library? And you still sometimes play with them but not all the time? Yeah.
So they're like a mobile library. Yep.
And also, it's a library... If they give you any of that, just, "Shhh!" It's a library.
"Can we meet Kanye West?" Shhh!
"Can we have some money?" Shhh!
Are they here tonight?
No. Is Kanye here tonight? No. Oh.
I thought you were friends.
Would he take a bullet for you, Kanye West?
Give you the kiss of life?
Return your calls? Yeah.
OK. We're going to push you for an answer.
They both organised an illegal dogfight at the Brits three years ago.
They both filled up a child's paddling pool with blood and then got in it.
Neither of those are correct answers, I'm afraid.
I have to tell you that both have had the honour of having a ski lift named after them in Switzerland.
The James Blunt ski lift is actually one of the best facilities in the Alps.
It is one comfortable chair and goes all the way up to the James Blunt mountain-top euthanasia clinic.
Next up is the Intros Round. Noel and Mr Hudson, here are yours for Andrea.
Thank you very much.
That one there?
The Rolling Stones?
You look like Lou and Andy off...
..Little Britain!
We are.
You didn't actually make any noise, though. Was that the song? Yeah. It's on mute.
We'll do it with sound now. We just thought you might be able to get it in mime. Was it the Rolling Stones?
Yeah. Seriously?! Yeah. Oh!
I'm just enjoying it. It's just good.
I can't keep doing it. Do you want to guess? I know it's the Rolling Stones,
I recognise the song, I just can't think what it's called.
I'm about to pass it over. Try and telepathically...
Not by mouthing it.
I... None of your cheeky games, Hudson! I'm handing it over before you cheat!
I'm going to play my Mangan. Miss You, Rolling Stones.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Correct, here's how it should have sounded. It was very good!
You were really good.
Go on, Mick! That was good, Mick.
I'll do Brian.
OK. Final one. Oh, I get another go. Brilliant. One more go.
You do. I will really try hard this time. They're doing really well...
Sometimes trying's not enough.
Oh, hang on, sorry. I've forgotten.
Cos the bass kinda goes...
It's not as random as that. It's like,
Have you started? No, this is how we communicate.
He's going to... I'll just go.
You need to go... You do the drum and then the bass.
Go on, tell me.
Something like that.
Maybe it would help if could hear!
That's Swahili sex noises.
In that position, it's become very sinister.
I'm holding a loose woman's head while I do amorous noises.
Bit faster.
You're going to get nothing from me. I'm basically having a breakdown on television.
It's called something like Kiss but I can't think...
Something else beginning with K and ending with S and having "id" in the middle.
Kids. Have you got any... Kids. Yeah.
I've got two, thank you for asking.
Is it called Kids, not Kiss? Yes. Have I heard it wrong on the radio all this time?
It's good, you did it.
So that was MGMT with Kids. MGMT used to be called Management
but, after a furious legal wrangle, they had to change it when their own management refused to back down.
Was that a joke, Phill? Could we check over there in Joke Corner?
No.
We also heard Miss You by The Rolling Stones.
The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards claimed he once snorted the ashes of his dead father.
Most people want their ashes scattered somewhere that echoes something about their lives,
so Ronnie Wood is going to have his thrown at the nearest barely legal Eastern-European barmaid.
Phill and Rochelle, here are yours for Stephen.
Stephen? Yeah? Please be rubbish. I will be, don't worry.
Go. Ready? One, two, three, four.
You've got to go, "O-o-o-o."
Like that, just one note. OK, OK, OK. You know when your telly goes off at night... Do they do that any more?
I don't think they do, do they? No.
Ladies come on now and you phone them up and they, er...
They ask if you want single local girls in your area. That's right. Why are they always in my area?
I don't want them in my area. I always say to them, "I want them as far away as possible."
Two, three, four.
Not a clue.
Any clues? Anything else you can give me from that song?
What am I? Well, that's up for debate, isn't it?
It's like you're on QVC. What's this all about?
I was trying to, like...
Or even...
Oh, don't, you!
Can I just say, that's not a real calendar. Did you buy fake?
I made it myself.
It's all of them on it!
That is so wrong.
I've never seen a baseball cap suit anyone less.
Look at that!
I look like a kid from Make-A-Wish Foundation.
So... Nope, not a clue. No?
No, that's good. You don't get a point. It was Ladyhawke with My Delirium.
Here's how it should have sounded.
It was very good.
Rochelle, can I just say I thought you were a couple of octaves out on that.
Thanks.
We were chatting before the show. Mangan was in a band. You were in... Pop rock?
You were in a prog rock band. Yeah. What were they called?
They were called Aragon.
What happened? Why did it end? We released an EP... On tape. ..called The Wizard's Dream...
..which had four songs on it. A 15-minute song about Northern Ireland...called The Dragon.
Flocking peasants always get their way
Lonely dragon, rest in peace
# Oh, God, what have I done? #
So you had a band, a nice band like this, and then you left
to pursue a solo career of fame and fortune on yourself and just left your friends by the wayside? Yeah.
What sort of a bastard would do that?
Just do the next one.
Here we go.
Sounds like the Quo.
Rocking All Over The World.
Already done it!
So long!
Status Quo, Rocking All Over The World. Here's how it should have sounded.
Mangan's good. I am.
I was in a band at school and we did a cover of that.
# Oh, here we are, oh, here we are... #
Francis Rossi recently cut off his trademark ponytail.
He said, "It dawned on me that I looked ridiculous,"
getting him into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest time it takes for a penny to drop.
And that's the end of the round.
Round three is called Prop Quiz.
Noel, Mr Hudson and Andrea, here are your people and your things. Your people are...
Amy Winehouse...
Slash...
Paris Hilton...
and Sting.
And their things are...
bees...
mountain lions...
mice...
and ferrets.
Firstly, what is the relationship between your people and their things?
Where did this game come from?
Amy Winehouse has mice in her hair?
What, like Wurzel Gummage? Yeah.
Here's a slice of cake for old Amy.
Sting probably... has Sting got a mouse?
I reckon he's a beekeeper.
Oh, he would be, wouldn't he! You know?
He probably lives in a hive.
I'd like to imagine that Slash has got bees that carry him to his gigs.
It's a BIT of a long shot.
How cool would that be, though? If Slash had bees that just carried him to his gig.
"Is Slash here yet?" The promoter, really worrying. Where the...is Slash? He's on his bee army.
All of a sudden you hear, "bv-v-v-v..."
Comes down onto stage... "Bv-v-v-v..."
Then they...all go off and get a little honey treat.
They make Lockets.
Bees are furious about colds and they just...
Had a meeting, went, "we got to do something about colds."
And one of them went, "I don't know, why don't we sort of make a lozenge?"
I was actually stung very badly by a load of bees when I was a kid.
Really? My dad threw me in the bath in cold water. And there were bees in there?
Wow. Aged seven, took my skipping rope...and I thought...
"I should lasso a hive"?
"I wonder what will happen if I stick one of the..." Handles?
"..handles of my skipping rope into the beehive,
"in the little front door, have a wiggle around." In the beehive front door? The drawbridge, you mean?
"Lower the drawbridge!" "There's a skipping rope handle coming in!"
"Oh, easy, we're building lozenges back here."
And what happened? All hell broke loose. Really? It was me versus the bees. Who won? The bees.
They're dying out now, so, who's laughing now?
I can imagine Paris Hilton having, you know, like a big cat, a lion or something. Really? OK.
Hopefully it'll maul her.
So, Slash would have had ferrets? Yeah. Maybe Slash has got mice, though, because he's got snakes
and snakes eat mice. But I know Amy has been spotted with mice... Oh.
..on... Right. Well that, pretty much, is the answer for Amy.
Amy's got mice. Sting's definitely got a beehive. Yeah.
The lion... Paris Hilton? I think so, yeah.
You can move them into an order.
Right. Lion, Paris Hilton.
Thank you, Paris. Thanks, Paris. The lion. Thanks, Sting.
Sting, bees. Mice, Amy Winehouse.
Sting... Maybe that's how he got his name.
He's gravitating towards his bees. Sting, get with the bees.
Let's see if you're in the right order. Go to your right places.
Oh, no! Aww. Gutted.
Gutted. You've got two right.
The correct answer is, Slash has a mountain lion,
Amy Winehouse keeps mice, Sting has bees and Paris Hilton has ferrets.
Please join me in a round of applause for our people and their things.
Phill, Rochelle and Stephen, here are your people and their things.
Your people are...
Elvis Presley...
Freddie Mercury...
Elton John...
and...Rod Stewart.
And their things are...
a ?2,000 sandwich,
?1 million worth of coy carp,
a ?10,000 football pitch,
and ?200,000 worth of flowers.
Is it all things that they've bought that they've paid a lot of money for?
That's correct. They're all extravagant purchases, but who bought what?
A ?2,000 sandwich? A ?2,000 sandwich? You been to Graceland?
They do an audio tour and they take you into the kitchen and say,
"This is where Elvis used to like to have his favourite breakfast - a pound of bacon, a pound of sausages
"and two-dozen eggs." So, he's a candidate.
His cook would hollow out a white loaf,
and put in two jars of peanut butter, two jars of Smucker's jelly,
a pound of bacon, and bananas, and then tie that together and deep fry it.
And that was Elvis' favourite sandwich.
"I'm just off to the toilet with this bad boy." Yeah.
His abdomen was impacted with 60 kilos of what the coroner called "a clay-like substance". Nice.
Elton's famous for buying too many flowers. He spent 20 grand a day on flowers. He did. Yeah.
I think Rod with the football pitch. You think Rod's got the football pitch? Yeah.
Freddie's really giving you a working over. He's what? Freddie doesn't like you!
No, there is no problem at all with Freddie, because I am planning a gay Mexican revolution.
Freddie's good!
Just stand there, monosyllabically looking like a porn star! Thank you.
OK, right, so let's... Freddie, the fish.
Elvis to the sandwich? Oh, he even walks like Elvis! Rod, the football pitch. Rod, the football pitch.
Elton, don't move! We like you just the way you are. OK.
Is that an actual wig, Elton lookalike?
Could you just test it, Elvis man, with your hand?
Oh, God, it is an' all, that's just a bit weird, sorry.
So, that's your final order? Let's give it a go. Yeah.
Guys, would you please put yourselves into the correct order. Please don't move.
Good times! Done it!
Freddie the fish? Freddie the fish!
Four points. Let's hear it for our lookalikes and their items.
So, we end with Next Lines. Phill's team, you're in the lead so you get to go first.
Very superstitious
Of writings on the wall
Stevie Wonder, Superstitious.
Cecilia
You're breaking my heart
Yes, Simon and Garfunkel, Cecilia.
But don't go slow
Go quickly # That is not the way we play... #
The Saturdays!
Right. Ahh. One of Frankie's lines.
You're so rude.
It doesn't matter just how long it takes
Please get this.
Nothing changes when we're apart
Nothing changes when we're apart
It's just a little bit longer, we've come so far
Come THIS far. It's one step closer, come on baby, it's one step closer to you
There'll be no more living without you
I'll be counting each minute till I'm back to you
It's one step closer to heaven, baby, hold on, hold on, hold on to our love then
I'm told. That's, yeah, S Club Juniors. Yeah.
I wish that I could fly, into the sky, so very high
Like an electric fly? Close...
But I'm breathing fire
The Dragon, by Aragon!
The Dragon, by Aragon - it is! No...
Lenny Kravitz, Fly Away, "Just like a dragonfly."
I've been to the year 3000
And it's shit.
It's... Nothing's changed but they live under water? Yes!
Busted, Year 3000.
Did it.
Wow, you did pretty well on that - 16 points.
We can claw this back, we only need 57 points.
And I'm deaf, you don't know anything, and er...
We all live in a yellow submarine
A yellow submarine, a yellow submarine
Yes, The Beatles, Yellow Submarine.
I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby
Listen to Iron Maiden, baby
Wheatus, Teenage Dirtbag.
I thought he was talking to us. I thought...
It's too late, too late, too late, too late, too late
To wash my face and hands
YES! Mr Hudson and two people who were in no way told to piss off cos Kanye West didn't like them.
Look back on my life, like the Ghost of Christmas Past
Or we could just go ice-skating
It is, Toys R Us, where I used to spend that Christmas cash
Kanye West, Through The Wire.
Supposedly someone's friend.
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
Mariah Carey, Hero.
Oh, that's it.
Yay! I'm not completely useless.
Just a little bit.
That is the end of the round, and the end of the game. So the final scores are...
Phill's team have won with 16 to Noel's 11!
Thanks to Phill, Rochelle and Stephen, Noel, Mr Hudson and Andrea.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Next week's host will be Frank Skinner. Goodnight!