INTERNET SLUMBER PARTY WITH W. Kamau Bell LIVE - 8/22/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 22.08.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Hi, you guys.
It's me, Beth Hoyt.
And this is My Damn Channel Live.
And today we're doing something I haven't done yet
this summer, which is have a sleepover.
Because aren't summers for sleepovers?
And I didn't do it yet.
It's almost the end of August.
So I built a blanket fort because that's the best part
of a slumber party, also jammy jams, which I'm wearing.
And I can't wear onesies, as cute as they are, because I
have a long torso.
So I'm wearing jammy jammies.
I've got my blanket fort, which is awesome.
Because it feels like your camping.
And also aren't blanket forts just great?
Because then, before your friends arrive, you can just
do a little sippy-sip, just a little hidden drinking.

Oh, God, some really old tequila, you guys.
Wow!
Can you smell that?
OK.
So I haven't invited many people yet.
I'm still looking at the invite list.
But I do have Mr. Hemingway.
Mr. Hemingway, do you like my tequila breath?
OK.
So we're hanging out.
I'm going to work on some more invites.
But I know who is invited.
And that's you guys.
So stay in the chat, and send in comments and stuff.
Oh, my-- ow!
What is this?
That was quick.
Wow!
This is a YouTube comment from areasontowritehome.
He wrote, "I heard about your bike incident, Beth.
What kind of bike do you ride?"
Oh, areasontowritehome, yeah, that was in my
blog, Beth in Show.
You should check it out this week.
I talked about this guy who locked his bike to mine.

My bike is literally a bike that I try not to worry about
because they always get stolen and parts get taken away.
It's a Trek, barely.
It's old.
And I just basically put it out there.
Because I'm like, I dare you, New Yorkers, to steal me.
And sometimes they do.
But you know, you just can't get too precious with your
bike because it's going to get taken away at some point.
And we all have to deal with that.
Anyway, OK.
That's enough of that, right.
That was getting too real for a minute there, right.
Yeah you're looking--
Look at the look in his eyes.
OK.
We're going to come back a second and invite some people.
But right now, I have a surprise for you.
It's a brand new episode of Status Kill.
It's the premier.
And it's called, "It's Your Birthday."
DENTON SPARKS: I've got to say it.
Online happy birthdays are completely meaningless.
It's like saying, hey, how're you doing?
You don't care.
You don't care.

FEMALE SPEAKER 1: Agent Sparks, your mission in to
acquire a series of top-secret packages.
There shouldn't be any surprises.
DENTON SPARKS: Copy.

JIMMY BUTLER: Hey, happy birthday.
SKIP CARLSON: Happy birthday, Sparky.
FEMALE SPEAKER 2: Oh, my God.
Sparky, it's your birthday.
SUZIE BOOKMAN: Happy birthday, Sparky!
MALE SPEAKER 1: Happy birthday, dawg.
DENTON SPARKS: Thank you.
FEMALE SPEAKER 3: Happy birthday.
DENTON SPARKS: Oh, you shouldn't have.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
DENTON SPARKS: Thank you.
[GUNFIRE]
[INTERPOSING BIRTHDAY WISHES]

DENTON SPARKS: You're the best.
FEMALE SPEAKER 4: Hey, Sparky, it's your birthday.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Happy birthday.
MALE SPEAKER 3: Aw, it's your birthday.
DENTON SPARKS: Thank you.
MALE SPEAKER 4: It's your birthday.
MALE SPEAKER 5: Says here it's your birthday.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
DENTON SPARKS: Thank you.
OK.
Thank you.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]

DENTON SPARKS: Really?
Do I even know you?
I have a phone.
You can't even call me.
You're my sister.
Do you even care?
Oh, way to go, sincerity.
That was the worst happy birthday I've ever gotten, one
exclamation point, not three, not four?
You couldn't even use caps, not even for the first letter
of each, even in my name?
I don't even like you.
And you know that.
Happy birthday, my ass.
F you.
[INTERPOSING BIRTHDAY WISHES]

FEMALE SPEAKER 5: Surprise.
DENTON SPARKS: Aw, you guys really do care.

[GASPING]
Cake!

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

MALE SPEAKER 6: Happy birthday!

BETH HOYT: I've got to do this show.
I've got to get out.

I'm not a kid anymore, guys.
All right.
That is so true, right.
It's so impersonal now to wish someone
happy birthday on Facebook.
It gets lost.
You don't get the attention that you deserve from taking
out that time to insert that birthday wish
you typed in there.
I make it personal.
I text a happy birthday.
And if you don't have someone's number to text them,
that's when you know that person probably won't notice
if you miss their birthday.
Am I right?
Am I right?
What do you guys think?
Let's look at a comment from you guys.
This is from boobtube--
I like that, boobtube500.
I just like saying boob.
"Slumber party?
In eastern US it's 4:20 PM."
Oh, slumber party, question mark, yeah.
I mean, the earlier you start the more time you have for
games and junk food and just making yourself sick.
So let's get on that, right away.
Next comment is from YouTube.
And it's from djmistiqo.
"Fave slumber party snacks?"
Oh, man, OK.
Well, you know, a little bit of that.
But as a kid, when I had sleepovers,
just chips and dip.
Let's get a chip that's bad, like Doritos.
And then, let's put it in like a fattening dip.
That's more of that, just a lot of that and then, some
more of that.
Maybe a main course, like pizza, but probably just a lot
of chips and dip and then ice cream.
Again, dip the chips in the ice cream, the
salty and the sweet.
Am I right?
Am I right?
OK.
Let's talk sleepover party.
Let's get some people here to eat these snacks.
So it's not just me.
I've invited Grace.
I don't know why she's not here yet.
So let's just see where she's at.
GRACE: Hey, Beth.
BETH HOYT: Hey, are you on your way over?
GRACE: Hey, listen, I can't come to your
summer party tonight.
BETH HOYT: What?
Why?
GRACE: Because my hair is a little bit wet, just like a
little bit.
Like the front part of is kind of dry.
But like the sides are little bit wet.
BETH HOYT: Oh, my God.
I had no idea.
I had no idea.
GRACE: I don't know how it happened.
I do.
I got in the shower.
I can't come.
OK.
It's a tiny little bit wet.
So have fun.
OK, bye.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Bye, Grace.
That's fine.
That's fine.
I have a lot of friends.
Let's call Shannon Coffey, yeah.

[PHONE RINGING]
SHANNON COFFEY: A phone call.

Hey, Beth.
BETH HOYT: Hey, Shannon, we're having a
sleepover in the studio.
Do you want to come over and hang out?
SHANNON COFFEY: A sleepover?
I'd love to come, but I can't.
I'm going to be shampooing my hair tonight.
BETH HOYT: What, for real?
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, for real.
BETH HOYT: I didn't realize it was shampoo day.
I totally didn't.
Man, I missed that memo.
OK.
Well, I'll see you soon and say his to the gnome for me.
SHANNON COFFEY: OK, bye.
Have fun.

She said, hi.
BETH HOYT: Man, no one is coming through, you guys.
Oh, I know.
I know.
I know who I can call.
OK, this is good.

NATE: Hello.
BETH HOYT: Hey, do you want to come over and be a part of my
big sleepover show?
NATE: Yeah, I'd love to.
BETH HOYT: Hold on a second.
Did I call Nate?
NATE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Oh, no, I'm sorry.
That was a misdial.
NATE: Who did you think you were calling?
BETH HOYT: Well, I mean, not you, not you.
NATE: But I love--
I love sleepovers.
BETH HOYT: You should get back to work, Nate.
OK, bye.
Who else?
Oh, I know.
I saw this great show on FX last week, Totally Biased with
W Kamau Bell.
I don't know him.
But I do have his number in my phone.
And so we're going to call him.
It's tough with the cracked screen.
But I found it.
Let's call Kamau.
Let's just see.
Right?
I mean, you've got to make friends.
This is how you make friends, just go for it.
So it's ringing.
We'll just wait and see.
KAMAU BELL: Hello.
BETH HOYT: Hey, this is Beth Hoyt, at My Damn Channel Live.
KAMAU BELL: Oh, hey, Beth.
How are you?
I'm a big fan of the show.
BETH HOYT: Oh, my God.
Thank you.
I mean, I love your show.
So this is totally random.
But I'm throwing a sleepover party.
And I wondered if you'd like to come over.
KAMAU BELL: Sounds like fun.
BETH HOYT: Great!
OK, well, the only this is I'm doing it right now, live, in
our studio.
You wouldn't have to be nearby, would you?
KAMAU BELL: Yeah.
Actually, I'm in your green room.
BETH HOYT: Oh, that works out perfectly.
Can I bring a friend?
I'm here with one of our writers, Jeanine Brito.
JEANINE BRITO: Hey, Beth.
BETH HOYT: Hey, yeah.
That sounds great.
Bring her too.
I'll see you guys in a couple of minutes.
KAMAU BELL: Cool.
BETH HOYT: Great.
OK, awesome.
Kamau and Jeanine are coming to the sleep over.
Should I order pizza?
I wonder if Kamau is lactose intolerant.
I didn't ask.
I mean, who isn't these days?
I'll be right back with K and J.
ANTHONY: Hey, I'm big Anthony, from Big Anthony's Pizzeria.
There's no excuse why you can't come
down and try a piece.
Maybe you're saying, Anthony, the bus doesn't stop there.
Hey, shut up and eat the pizza.
Why not give my cheesy meatball a try?
Oh, but Anthony, I'm in a wheelchair.
And it's a struggle for me to try and do anything.
Shut up and eat the pizza.
But Anthony, I'm stranded on a desert island.
And the only thing keeping me alive is drinking my own piss.
You've got to shut up and eat that pizza.
I just wrote and directed a short film.
And I want to take the next step as a filmmaker.
Shut up and make a feature.
I don't know what to do with my life.
Shut up and become a teacher.
Hey, you're only open two hours, every other day.
And every week is a different day.
Because every week is an odd number of days.
Shut up and mangia the pizza.
Come on down to Big Anthony's Pizza, in the
heart of Century Plaza.
You have no excuse not to.
Capice?
Eat the pizza.
TOMMY WISEAU: Hi, this is Tommy Wiseau.
You're watching My Damn Channel Live.
Have a groovy time.
MATT MCMANUS: This is "Napping With Wigs," wigs, wigs.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MATT MCMANUS: Hey, Daddy.
Hey, Daddy, I want to nap on you.
Daddy.

Oh, my God.
I'm so tired.
Can I have a chili-con-carne taco with
carne asada and guacamole?
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING SPANISH]
MATT MCMANUS: I was wondering if I could get a haircut.
Because I wanted to layer it like Jennifer Anderson.
But I don't know if I--

Well, listen, I know you're girl might get mad.
But this hair ain't real.
This ain't a real weave.
This ain't a real weave.

BETH HOYT: All right, Kamau and Jeanine.
Thank you for being here.
JEANINE BRITO: Thanks for inviting us.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, thanks for having us.
BETH HOYT: This is really cool.
It's great.
I thought we should just skip dinner because we're adults
and just get right into some s'mores.
Because they're the best at a sleepover, right.
KAMAU BELL: Absolutely.
BETH HOYT: Do you have sleep over food that you like?
JEANINE BRITO: I like pizza.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
JEANINE BRITO: But for everything, not just
sleepovers.
KAMAU BELL: I like ice cream.
BETH HOYT: So we're like family, and everyone else in
the world who likes pizza and ice cream.
KAMAU BELL: That's all it takes to be family, just
agreeing on food, talking about food.
BETH HOYT: So we're having Thanksgiving together.
Is that right?
KAMAU BELL: Yes.
BETH HOYT: Great.
So first-time sleep over pals, and now we're family.
OK.
So you're doing this awesome show on FX.
You're two episodes in.
Is that right?
And you have six.
KAMAU BELL: Yes, we have six.
BETH HOYT: Right now?
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, our next one is tomorrow.
BETH HOYT: Right, at 11:00 PM.
KAMAU BELL: Only on FX.
BETH HOYT: Only, and then, when you find it after, if you
didn't watch it, I watched it, maybe in the loo also.
KAMAU BELL: I'm sure it was good.
BETH HOYT: Anyway, do you have your Aiken joke yet, for
tomorrow night?
JEANINE BRITO: Just one, we figured we'd just
touch on the subject.
BETH HOYT: Do you want to just spoil it right now?
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, let's spoil the whole thing right now.
It's actually about 10 minutes lone.
We need to move this all out of the way.
BETH HOYT: This is really exciting and so cool.
So you've been in San Francisco.
And you're from there too.
Is that right, Jeanine?
JEANINE BRITO: I moved here from there, yeah.
BETH HOYT: And you knew each other there?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, she's my comedy daughter.
BETH HOYT: Aw.
KAMAU BELL: I raised her in comedy.
BETH HOYT: You really are family.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: And then, when you got your show, were you like,
only if Jeanine can come.
How did that work out?
Or did you get the show.
And then, you're like, I want Kamau to take it.
JEANINE BRITO: I passed him on.
I was like, this doesn't feel right, that I would get the
show before.
KAMAU BELL: It was actually called,
Totes Biased with Jeanine.
And then, she was like, I don't know.
Maybe Totally Biased with W Kamau Bell is better.
And she convinced me.
BETH HOYT: It has a ring in the title.
But you'll get the next one.
But this is fantastic.
So you get to work together.
And one thing that's cool about your show is like on The
Daily Show, which I'm sure you get for referenced to a lot.
It's political comedy.
And it's really well done.
They send out their correspondents to
do the field reporting.
And you do it yourself.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, I do it myself.
FX has a much smaller budget than The Daily Show.
So I have to go out and do all the field reporting.
I also edit it.
I'm directing myself.
Yeah, it's fun.
BETH HOYT: It's really cool.
Why, have some really interesting things happened in
your field reporting?
KAMAU BELL: Well, I got into an argument with two French
ladies about gay marriage.
JEANINE BRITO: Oh, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Why?
KAMAU BELL: They weren't for it.
BETH HOYT: They weren't?
So how long do you stick it out, when you're on the street
with someone?
We'll find the comedy in this, that we can air.
KAMAU BELL: We stuck it our for pretty long.
BETH HOYT: You're like, get out, get out.
This isn't worth it.
KAMAU BELL: Well, it's like trying to be mean to two old
French ladies.
So by the end I was like, maybe you're right.
Gay marriage is wrong, just for the sake of getting out.
BETH HOYT: Maybe you've totally biased me.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, you're right.
It doesn't make sense.
BETH HOYT: We have a tweet from someone.
Let's take a look at their question.
It's from joeysams9.
"Hey Kamau, how did you get your hair like that?
It's pretty chill." Pretty chill.
KAMAU BELL: Well, I did a thing that I recommend called
having two black parents.
BETH HOYT: Oh, OK.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, so I would recommend getting two black
parents, and probably, really black parents.
There's different types of black parents.
I have two really black parents.
And together, that's how you get this.
BETH HOYT: How long have you sported it like this, at this
approximate length?
KAMAU BELL: At this approximate length--
I used to have dreadlocks, like really long dreadlocks.
And then, I got tired of white guys getting excited at
parties about dreadlocks.
So probably the last five years, I've had this.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, it's cool.
It is pretty chill.
KAMAU BELL: It is pretty chill.
Yes, it's very chill.
Although--
JEANINE BRITO: It's a laid back look.
KAMAU BELL: It takes about a half hour to
get this all together.
BETH HOYT: Does it?
KAMAU BELL: No, not at all.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I mean, it's shampoo night, you guys.
That's why you're here.
We don't have to be a part of that.
KAMAU BELL: Wait, am I missing shampoo night?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I am too.
It's just not going to happen for us.
JEANINE BRITO: Unh uh.
BETH HOYT: But, you guys, how about we show people a clip of
your show, just in case people said they haven't seen it yet.
So let's take a look at a clip from Totally Biased.
KAMAU BELL: President Obama recently sat down with Black
Enterprise Magazine, or as I like to call
it Enterprise Magazine.

He was speaking in response to criticism that he hasn't done
enough to support black businesses.
He said, "I want all Americans to have opportunity.
I'm not the president of black America.
I'm the President of the United States of America."
Hey Barack, I know that you know, that you're the
president of black America.

And I know you know I know you're the
president of black America.
And I know we both know that you can't say it because
you're trying to get elected.
But let's be clear.
You are the present of black America.
Your POTUS and POBA.

And when things go really bad, you're the HNIC.

Well--
BETH HOYT: Well, well, well.
Now, you know what that's about.
So Chris Rock produces your show.
Can you tell us about this, how this happened?
BETH HOYT: Chris Rock is the executive producer of my show,
of our show, my show.
JEANINE BRITO: Your show.
KAMAU BELL: He saw me perform at UCB, here in
New York, in 2010.
And he came backstage.
I didn't know he was at the show, which is good.
BETH HOYT: Oh, you didn't?
KAMAU BELL: No, I didn't.
I was just back stage.
And all the sudden, he floated back stage,
like it was The Matrix.
BETH HOYT: Oh,
KAMAU BELL: And he said, I want to do a show with you.
KAMAU BELL: I said, no, absolutely not.
That's not what happened.
BETH HOYT: That's a dream.
You do a show.
And Chris Rock just walks back stage.
Not only does Chris walk, walk backstage.
Chris Rock walks-- say that, you guys.
KAMAU BELL: Both of them came back, Chris
walk and Chris Rock.
BETH HOYT: That is so hard to say.
Anyway, he comes backstage.
And not only is he there, but he like,
let's change your life.
KAMAU BELL: Yes, yes, yes.
BETH HOYT: That's cool.
KAMAU BELL: That is cool.
BETH HOYT: All right.
We have a comment from the internet, from YouTube.
It is from BadTimeBurger.
"Hey WKB!
Does the constant watch on politics ever cause you to
have an existential crisis?
If so, how do you cope?" Good question.
KAMAU BELL: Ice cream, lots and lots of ice cream.
No, it is hard to pay that much attention to politics.
And that's why I have my friends around me.
So we can make jokes about it.
Because otherwise, it would take you down.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You do a pretty good job of making the jokes of it.
KAMAU BELL: Well, we're two shows in.
Hopefully, we get a total of six.
If people watch and support it,
we'll have more, hopefully.
BETH HOYT: I hope so.
How crazy does it get?
I mean, you writing the show, it's timely.
So what happens if something happens on Thursday.
And you're like, we have to put this in the show tonight.
Does that happen?
JEANINE BRITO: Yeah, that happened this past week, with
the Chick-fil-A shooting.
We walked in.
We were like, this thing happened.
We have to talk about it.
KAMAU BELL: Yay!
Somebody got shot.
Yay!
We can make jokes now.
Yay!
BETH HOYT: We're changing segment two.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, that's basically what happened.
You know, that's why we shoot the day we are.
So we shoot in the afternoon.
And it beams out to the satellite later that night.
So it can be as topical as possible.
BETH HOYT: Fresh, feels good.
It's like this, burning marshmallows on battery
operated heat.
JEANINE BRITO: I keep checking, like it's actually--
BETH HOYT: I know.
I'm just piling them up here.
OK, you guys, we're a long way from bed time, especially
because we're about to get a sugar high.
Speaking of, here's Daddy Knows Best, with "Special
Brownies."
STEVE: [HUMMING]
JADE: Wow!
STEVE: Huh?
JADE: Wow!
STEVE: Impressive.
JADE: You're making Jack's brownies?
STEVE: I am, indeed.
I am.
And I made a batch for myself, for this guy.
JADE: Yeah, I'm loving this, by the way.
STEVE: This is masculinity.
JADE: Yeah.
STEVE: What say, after I make these brownies, I get to glaze
those melons.
No?
JADE: So gross.
STEVE: All right.
All right, babe.
I love you.
At least we still got Daddy's medicine.
Huh?
What do we have here, Columbia Skull Fuck.
Let's put it in.
Yeah, that's a little conservative for my tastes.
How about the Paula Deen portion?
Yeah, mix it up.

Hey, babe.
JADE: Hey, honey.
STEVE: Babe, where are the brownies with the green top?
JADE: Oh, I dropped it off at the Schwartson's with Jack.
STEVE: Oh, shit!

No!

MALE SPEAKER: What the fuck, man?

JADE: Steve, Barbara just called me.
She was hysterical.
She said that you sprinted into their house and were
slapping brownies out of the kids hands.
STEVE: Barbara is such a narc, babe.
Yes, I did go over to their house.
And I was slapping brownies out of kids hands.
But there's a method for my madness.
JADE: I'm all ears.
STEVE: Oh, where do I begin?
I was at the grocery store.
And I saw this gigantic, fatso kid.
And I thought to myself, God, this is awful.
This child obesity is an epidemic.
JADE: So this is what it was all about?
STEVE: Yeah.
JADE: Did you do something to these?
STEVE: No, I just probably added too much oil or pot.
JADE: Are you kidding?
STEVE: Good?
JADE: Yeah, good.
Oh, look at that, all good.
STEVE: Happy?
JADE: I am.
Let me see those hands.
STEVE: There you go, Doubting Thomas.
JADE: Yeah, I guess I'd like to see that other hand now.
STEVE: Ah!
Oh, yeah.
JADE: No, Steve, no.
STEVE: Dammit.

What?
MALE SPEAKER: Hey, man.
Somebody just threw away some pot brownies.
Can you believe it?
STEVE: Yeah, man.
Those are my pot brownies.
Did you eat them all?
MALE SPEAKER: No, man.
There's more in here.
Come on in.
STEVE: What?
No.
God, just find me one.
MALE SPEAKER: Man, this is some good weed.
I'm fucked up.
STEVE: Oh, my God.
Do you have anything to wash this down with?
MALE SPEAKER: I've got a little bit of mine here.
STEVE: Oh!

BETH HOYT: OK, we're going to play a game.
But first, we have a comment from YouTube.
Let's take a look at it.
It is from themoskam, "Vodka, Gin, Whiskey, or Tequila?" OK.
KAMAU BELL: Gin, of course.
BETH HOYT: Of course.
JEANINE BRITO: I'm going to say whiskey.
KAMAU BELL: Of course, it's gin.
BETH HOYT: Tequila.
KAMAU BELL: No.
JEANINE BRITO: It's whiskey.
KAMAU BELL: Tequila, what are you 16?
BETH HOYT: Thank you.

Well, what I just had in the flask was tequila.

I do like gin a lot.
But I have one necklace that I get allergic to,
when I drink gin.
JEANINE BRITO: What?
That's not a real thing.
BETH HOYT: It's something with the metal.
It's a real thing.
KAMAU BELL: No.
BETH HOYT: OK.
It's time to stop fighting, you guys
and play some Twister.
KAMAU BELL: We're family.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, let's get over it.
We're going to start out.
You guys all know how to play.
Are you guys ready?
KAMAU BELL: Yes.
JEANINE BRITO: Think so.
BETH HOYT: Nate, your job is hardly any work.
So you spin that for us.
Let's get going.
We're all going to do the party version, which means we
just do it all together.
NATE: Right hand red.
BETH HOYT: Wait, that is not.
NATE: Left hand red.
Left hand red.
I can't read.
KAMAU BELL: That's my left hand, right?
BETH HOYT: Yes.
KAMAU BELL: OK.
BETH HOYT: Oh, wait.
I've gotta get down.
JEANINE BRITO: Wait.
Are you allowed to put your knees on the floor?
That's cheating.
KAMAU BELL: What are you talking about?
NATE: Right foot green.
BETH HOYT: Right foot green.
Oh, boy, this is--
KAMAU BELL: I'm not in the circus.
BETH HOYT: Well, you are now.
You're on YouTube.
NATE: Right foot red.
BETH HOYT: Right foot red.
KAMAU BELL: What are you talking about?
BETH HOYT: You just moved it over there.
Nate, you're terrible at spinning.
If you guys want to leave, in the comments, moves for us to
do, I can't believe I'm giving you that power.
But they told me to tell you that.
Nate, you're spinning it too hard.
And it takes too long.
NATE: Right hand blue.
JEANINE BRITO: Right hand blue?
Oh, Jesus.
BETH HOYT: We have a comment from Twitter.
KAMAU BELL: Right aorta heart attack.
NATE: Left foot green.
BETH HOYT: All right.
BudCort sent right hand--
NATE: Left foot green.
BETH HOYT: Nate, hold on a second.
We have a tweet from BudCort.
And he wants us to do right hand red.
Oh, Kamau, I was just supporting you
with my right hand.
But now, I've got to--
KAMAU BELL: All right.
Well, I don't know if I'm ever going to get my
hand back in shape.
But we've got it.
BETH HOYT: That's all right.
You can lose a hand for the game.
NATE: Left foot blue.
KAMAU BELL: Left foot blue.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I don't have enough circles near me.
JEANINE BRITO: I'm moving the mat.
BETH HOYT: This is a great stretch for your hamstrings.
KAMAU BELL: I'm calling an audible.
NATE: Left hand red.
BETH HOYT: Left hand red.
JEANINE BRITO: It's already on there.
BETH HOYT: Everything is on the red.
KAMAU BELL: My feet are nowhere.

BETH HOYT: What's happening now?
NATE: Left hand green.
BETH HOYT: Left hand green.
No!
That can't happen.
KAMAU BELL: My feet have decided not to play.
You know, you can't argue with defeat sometimes.
These are way smaller circles than I remember,
when I used to play.
What's happening now?
NATE: Left hand red.
BETH HOYT: Left hand red
JEANINE BRITO: Oh, back to red.
BETH HOYT: Everything is happening on this side.
NATE: Right foot yellow.
BETH HOYT: We have a comment.
JEANINE BRITO: Oh, no.
That's not going to happen.
BETH HOYT: Left foot yellow.
Yeah, that was an easy move for me.
JEANINE BRITO: Not for me.
JEANINE BRITO: Oh, your hands are all messed up.
JEANINE BRITO: My hands are crossed.
BETH HOYT: Make it happen.
We have a comment from YouTube.
JEANINE BRITO: I got it.
KAMAU BELL: I've got Jeanine's but on my head.
BETH HOYT: You guys, Ellensmellen90
says left foot yellow.
Oh, it already is.
Wow, you're psychic, Ellensmellen.
NATE: Right foot green.
KAMAU BELL: All right.
I'm good.
BETH HOYT: Oh, no.
JEANINE BRITO: Sorry, Kamau.
BETH HOYT: This one is going to be hard for me
KAMAU BELL: Oh, I got butt on my afro.
BETH HOYT: Oh, God.
KAMAU BELL: I got afro butt.
BETH HOYT: I can't.
I'm using all my core muscles, right now.
OK, you guys.
We can let it go.
Ready, set, let it go.
KAMAU BELL: I don't that I can pull back.
BETH HOYT: Oh, we have one more comment.
Oh, no, we have one more comment from YouTube.
And it's pawneegoddess.
It looks like a very expensive yoga class.
I think that's what it was.
JEANINE BRITO: I think so too.
BETH HOYT: I think that it's time for
us to do some Shavasana.
JEANINE BRITO: My chakras are lined up.
BETH HOYT: That was a lot of physical activity.
It's time for secrets and gossip, you guys.
So when we come back, we're going to play "Fuck, Mary,
Kill."
Do you guys have suggestions for us?
Put them in the comments.
Now here's a scary story from Co-Op of the Damned.

LITTLE GIRL: Daddy, Daddy, I'm scared.

PUPPET: Ha!
Surprise.
[BEEP]
LITTLE GIRL: You could talk?
Cute!
PUPPET: Put me down, [BEEP].
I'm here to kill you.
LITTLE GIRL: Who are you?
PUPPET: Before I was murdered and trapped in this infernal
toy, they called me the Kiddie Killer.
What's your real name?
PUPPET: Oh, what the [BEEP]
do you care?
LITTLE GIRL: No, tell me.
Tell me.
Tell me.
PUPPET: It's Percy Snuggleface.
LITTLE GIRL: Percy Snuggleface, cute.
PUPPET: Oh, let me go.
You stupid [BEEP].
You'll soon feel the fires of hell, little girl.
LITTLE GIRL: One or two crumpets, Mr. Snuggleface?
PUPPET: When I was in hell, I was trapped in a pit of
[BEEP], as this as molasses.
LITTLE GIRL: Molasses, yum.
PUPPET: No!
It sucked [BEEP]
balls.
All the little girls I'd gutted surrounded me, taunting
me with their childish games.
LITTLE GIRL: Games, fun!
PUPPET: Ah, no!
The games were not fun.
The only game I think is fun is murder.
LITTLE GIRL: Ooh, can I play too?

PUPPET: Let me go.
So I can chop you up into little pieces and eat you.
LITTLE GIRL: I want to chop you up into little
pieces and eat you.
PUPPET: [BEEP]
This [BEEP].
Hey, can you help me lift this god [BEEP]
hatchet?
LITTLE GIRL: It's time for more lipstick, Mrs.
Snuggleface.
PUPPET: It's Mr. Snuggleface.
I mean, Kiddie Killer.
I mean, I'm going to [BEEP]
kill you.
LITTLE GIRL: But you're my best friend.
PUPPET: Come here, you [BEEP].
LITTLE GIRL: That tickles.
PUPPET: I'm gonna [BEEP].
I'm gonna [BEEP]
into your--
LITTLE GIRL: I love you, Mr. Snuggleface.
PUPPET: I love you, too.

BETH HOYT: That kernel is going to stick.
Are you guys comfy?
KAMAU BELL: Yeah.
JEANINE BRITO: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: We're going to play "Fuck, Marry, Kill." Here's
how it works.
You reach in the fish bowl here.
We have some names.
There it is.
We're going to play that.
We'll reach in the fish bowl.
And we have names of three different people.
We have categories.
And you pick who you would have sex with, who you'd
marry, and who you'd kill.
Right.
And they're themes.
So if you guys have ideas for three people.
Put them in the comments.
Let's go.
I'll go first.

I want a good one, no whammies.
Let's see, Tom Hanks characters.
The options are Chuck Noland, from Castaway,
Forrest Gump, and Woody.
Let's see.
I don't think I could have sex with Forrest Gump.
And Woody doesn't have a penis.
Isn't that right?
KAMAU BELL: I've never pulled Woody's pants down.
Maybe that was Toy Story 4.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, maybe that's yet to come.
Well, that could be exciting.
Maybe we don't know.
KAMAU BELL: We do know he's made of wood.
JEANINE BRITO: His name is Woody.
BETH HOYT: Do we know that?
You're right.
Woody is made of wood.
I would get splinters very easily.
I think I'd have sex with Chuck Noland.
And I'd marry Forrest.
KAMAU BELL: He's rich.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, that's it.
And Woody is not real.
So he could die.
Your turn.
KAMAU BELL: All right.
BETH HOYT: I think that seems fair.
KAMAU BELL: That's fair.
Oh, Supreme Court justices, "Antonin Scalia, John Roberts,
Anthony Kennedy."
BETH HOYT: This is tough.
Because you really have to, really nail one of them.
KAMAU BELL: Antonin Scalia is filled with hate, which means
the sex would be great.
BETH HOYT: That's true.
KAMAU BELL: We could really go at it.
John Roberts, I would kill.
And I think I'd marry Anthony Kennedy.
BETH HOYT: Wow!
That was pretty easy for you.
KAMAU BELL: I think, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Good.
JEANINE BRITO: But first, the three of them would have to
legalize gay marriage.
KAMAU BELL: That's true.
That's true.
BETH HOYT: You hold up John Roberts.
And you're like, I'm gonna kill him.
And then you're like, I was gonna kill him anyway.
JEANINE BRITO: That's how it works out, at this point.
All right, let's see.
Movie robots, C3PO, Wall-e, Michael Fassbender in
Prometheus.
Oh, man.
KAMAU BELL: Oh, I wish I had that one.
BETH HOYT: Oh, man.
KAMAU BELL: I'm so attracted to all of them.
JEANINE BRITO: This is hard.
I haven't seen Prometheus.
BETH HOYT: Well, have you heard about Michael
Fassbender?
JEANINE BRITO: Unh uh.
BETH HOYT: You haven't?
JEANINE BRITO: No.
BETH HOYT: He has a huge dick.
KAMAU BELL: Whoa!
In the movie, or just in real life?
BETH HOYT: George Clooney has said it, in like
the Oscars or something.
And it's a thing that everyone talks about.
JEANINE BRITO: About his huge dick, well that is something
that I am into, clearly.
BETH HOYT: I was putting that out there, just so you know
that's what you're getting into.
KAMAU BELL: Just so you know.
BETH HOYT: Take it or leave it, but it's--
KAMAU BELL: As a lesbian, you may have to opinions about
whether that sweetens the deal or sours the deal.
JEANINE BRITO: Well, I feel like I would marry C3PO.
Because he already hangs out with gay people, gay robots,
specifically.
I can't kill Wall-e.
KAMAU BELL: I know.
What are you talking about?
BETH HOYT: Michael Fassbender, in
Prometheus is very hateable.
KAMAU BELL: He is?
OK, so I'll kill Michael Fassbender, even though he's
got a big old dick.
It's a tough one.
And I would fuck Wall-e.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
KAMAU BELL: Aw, that's sweet.
JEANINE BRITO: I don't know how that would go.
I would be sweet love-making.
BETH HOYT: I would be really tender.
Here's a comment from YouTube.
What have got?
JHVH1, this is for you, "Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, that
hot dog from Burger Time."
KAMAU BELL: OK.
Well, obviously, you'd have to fuck the hot dog from Burger
Time, just to keep things consistent.
I mean, I don't want to be dumb.
Pac-Man is already married.
So I'm going to kill him.
He's married to Ms. Pac-Man.
And so I think I would then marry Donkey Kong.
BETH HOYT: That seems fair, go for some fun rides.
Is Donkey Kong just the game that's like
that Nintendo game?
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, yeah.
BETH HOYT: You just like catch bananas and you ride around in
carts and mines.
KAMAU BELL: That does sound like a fun life to lead.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you made the right decision.
All right.
Here's a comment from YouTube.
And this is, "Selena Gomez, Taylor Lautner, or Jim Carry."
This is very bizarre.
KAMAU BELL: Wow, that's--
BETH HOYT: Are they combined?
KAMAU BELL: No, how did Selena Lopez get in there?
It's Taylor Lautner.
JEANINE BRITO: Selena Gomez.
BETH HOYT: Selena Gomez.
KAMAU BELL: What did I say?
JEANINE BRITO: You combined the movie Selena
and Jennifer Lopez.
KAMAU BELL: Selena Lopez.
BETH HOYT: That's the one I want.
I want her.
KAMAU BELL: [SINGING ]
"Bombalayo."
JEANINE BRITO: That's not.
That's not either of them.
KAMAU BELL: That's just a thing.
JEANINE BRITO: Well, I would marry Selena because anything
for Selenas.
It's a line from the movie.
Wait, I'm confused.
Who are we talking about now?
KAMAU BELL: Taylor Lautner, that's the--
JEANINE BRITO: That's the wolf guy.
BETH HOYT: Is he the muscles?
KAMAU BELL: He's the muscle wolf guy.
JEANINE BRITO: Selena Gomez.
BETH HOYT: Selena Gomez.
JEANINE BRITO: And Jim Carrey.
BETH HOYT: And Jim Carrey.
This is tough.
Selena is at the peak of her money making, right.
I mean, not the peak.
She's just starting.
KAMAU BELL: So it's a gold digger thing.
BETH HOYT: Well, I'm just being practical.
KAMAU BELL: OK.
BETH HOYT: You know.
JEANINE BRITO: You'll need all that money for your defense
fund, after you kill the other two.
See, you're really thinking through this, rationally.
This is a tough one.
I would like to know what the umbrella is, on this one.
OK.
We have another comment from YouTube.
And it is from wakka87, "Wendy Williams, Oprah, or Mrs.
Obama." Let's take a group effort, on this one.
KAMAU BELL: That's easy.
BETH HOYT: It's easy?
KAMAU BELL: You totally marry Oprah.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you're right.
JEANINE BRITO: Absolutely.
KAMAU BELL: I'd like to get some Mrs. Obama.
You know what I'm talking about?
BETH HOYT: This is an easy one.
KAMAU BELL: You dig?
BETH HOYT: I want that.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, OK.
And then obviously, Wendy Williams, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, she's just--
KAMAU BELL: I'm sorry Wendy.
BETH HOYT: Exactly, we've heard enough.
OK, we have another comment.
Thanks guys, cyriacx, "Voldemort, Edward from
Twilight or a pine cone."
KAMAU BELL: Apparently, they had some of the pot brownies,
from that clip.
BETH HOYT: It's like the creativity just ran out.
It's just like, and--

I would--
KAMAU BELL: Yes, I mean, you've got to kill
Voldemort, come on.
JEANINE BRITO: Yeah, you have to.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I know.
KAMAU BELL: You're attracted to Voldemort?
BETH HOYT: No.
But then, the pine cone has to be either something you have
sex with or marry.
You see, then you're faced with that.
JEANINE BRITO: I'd marry the pine cone.
Because Edward lives forever.
And nobody want to be married to anyone forever.
BETH HOYT: But you're gonna die.
JEANINE BRITO: Well, if I was going to marry a vampire, I
would obviously make them make me a vampire.
Because otherwise, what's the perk?
KAMAU BELL: What's the perk?
BETH HOYT: The perk is like--
I don't know.
You're right.
JEANINE BRITO: Glitter skin.
BETH HOYT: You're just like, tell me about when this
happened, in the 1800s.
And they're like, oh, I remember that.
JEANINE BRITO: I was there.
KAMAU BELL: You're always fighting battles and
werewolves and nonsense.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, but it would be exciting.
JEANINE BRITO: That's true.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Pine cones--
JEANINE BRITO: You could put googly eyes on it.
BETH HOYT: This is true.
JEANINE BRITO: That's fun.
BETH HOYT: I like being alone, too.
So a pine cone, I could just be like, I don't want
to deal with you.
That's a good option, actually, for a loner.
OK, next comment from YouTube is from moodATM, "Kim
Kardashian, Casey Anthony, and Chuck Norris."
JEANINE BRITO: Oh, this is tough.
Kamau hates Chuck Norris.
KAMAU BELL: Ooh, I hate Chuck Norris so much.
BETH HOYT: Why?
KAMAU BELL: He's horrible.
As far as I'm concerned the best thing Chuck Norris ever
did was get kicked in the head by Bruce Lee.
From there, it went all downhill.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
He's still going.
KAMAU BELL: I'm killing Chuck Norris.
BETH HOYT: OK.
That was easy for you.
KAMAU BELL: And then, we've got Casey Anthony.

BETH HOYT: That was good thinking there, on that one.
KAMAU BELL: OK.
You know what?
BETH HOYT: What do you do with that?
What do you do?
KAMAU BELL: I'm frozen.
BETH HOYT: Could you just hate-fuck Chuck Norris and
then kill Casey Anthony?
KAMAU BELL: Then you're a part of that whole legal scandal
then you're on Nancy Grace every other day.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
KAMAU BELL: That's a whole thing to get involved in.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, but you're only on a six
episode run right now.
So that's at least a little more guarantee.
KAMAU BELL: That would extend my time on TV.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Here's another comment from YouTube.
This is from pawneegoddess, "vodka, spinach, dinosaur." I
think I'd marry vodka.
And I definitely would really go at it with the dinosaur.
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, some hot dinosaur loving.
BETH HOYT: I just want to feel tiny.
JEANINE BRITO: Small and dainty.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, and we'll forget spinach.
KAMAU BELL: Although, dinosaurs have small hands.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
But only in comparison, right.
KAMAU BELL: OK.
BETH HOYT: Or are they really like--
JEANINE BRITO: Is a human-sized dinosaur?
BETH HOYT: That would really make it a lot.
I'm going in it saying that's it's a big dinosaur.
That's what I'm going for.
It wasn't specified there.
Oh, wow.
That was really fun, right?
KAMAU BELL: Yeah, this was a fun sleepover.
BETH HOYT: It was.
We've done a lot of damage to a lot of
people, including ourselves.
It's not time for bed though.
Oh, it is time for bed.
JEANINE BRITO: I'm confused.
BETH HOYT: It's time for bed, kids.
I'm not one of those sleepover people who stays
up all night long.
Because I don't get beauty sleep.
I need it.
I turn into a monster.
So let's watch a movie.
Just kidding.
We're just going to watch a quick video.
We'll be right back.

MARK MALKOFF: I almost never take the bus anymore.
Because they are way too slow, here in this city.
My guess is even a child's Big Wheel would beat a
New York City bus.

OK, go, go.
I'm going.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
This right here, guys, I'm passing the bus.
I'm passing the bus.
I am beating the bus right now.
I am beating the bus.
I am beating the bus.
I am beating the bus.

BETH HOYT: Guys, I can't believe they
actually fell asleep.
I was kind of kidding about actually sleeping.
I mean, I rarely do that at sleepovers.
I never do it when it's during a show that I'm hosting.
I can't find that.
But I'm really glad that you came on the show.
Thanks for coming, Kamau and Jeanine.
OK.
We'll make sure to watch your show on FX.
It's called Totally Biased, on Thursdays at 11:00 PM.
If you're in New York City, check out Totally Biased
Writers' Show, this Friday, August 24, at 8:00 PM, at
Union Hall in Brooklyn.
Yeah, they're out.
Thanks for coming, you guys.
Daily Grace is here tomorrow.
Next Wednesday's show is going to be hosted by
both Grace and myself.
It's going to be really, really fun.
Subscribe, so you don't miss anything.
Happy slumber.
Bye.