10 Commandments For Women

Uploaded by 6oodfella on 23.02.2012

It was my last day as a G8 translator, so I told the Russian President that Obama said he can kiss his black ass.
Hi, I am Hugh Jass, and I am joined by award-winning feminist author, Mary Hinge, who wants to tell us about something special
that happened to her recently, but first we should find out who won last week's competition. So, Mary, who is the lucky winner?
We asked our viewers to spot the women in this photo. The lucky winner is Rick Shaw, who spotted the women circled here. It's
difficult to see them, so here's a close-up. There they are, shopping with the cash their husband worked hard for, being loud
and obnoxious, and laughing at how oppressed they are.
Spoilt buggers, well done to Rick for spotting them. Moving on, you want to talk about a very special meeting you had with someone. So
spill the beans, who was it you met?
None other than God himself.
Why the Hell would the Almighty want to waste any time talking to your ass?
Because he wants to spread a message to women, especially women in the western world, so who better than me, an award-winning feminist
author? As a feminist, all women will listen to what I have to say, no matter how utterly ridiculous it is, and they will obey my every
command, because they are stupid enough to think that as a feminist, I want what's best for them.
How naive. So what message does the Almighty want western women to hear?
He fired lightning bolts from the sky, and carved ten commandments into two conveniently shaped pieces of stone, and told me to spread
the message to women.
Lightning bolts? That must have been scary.
I just about shat myself, so yes, it was scary.
Interesting. Before spreading the good word, let me ask, did you talk to God about anything else?
Not much, as I was busy trying to push my personal agenda, by requesting that affirmative action be used in the afterlife, so
that women, gays, and blacks get in automatically, to make up for favourable treatment of white, heterosexual males in the past. He
told me to piss off.
Quite right. OK, let's get on with it, tell us these commandments.
Sure. They are not in any particular order, and they are all rules that women should follow in order to be respected. The first
commandment is,
Thou shalt not expecteth respect without earning it.
This one speaks for itself, don't expect to be respected because you have a fish taco, only expect it if you've earned it, as an
individual, not as an entire gender.
That sounds quite fair, God isn't asking for much. What is the second commandment?
The second one goes like this,
Thou shalt not taketh offence when men find thou attractive.
This is especially the case if you are dressed like a cheap slapper, as men are more likely to look at you if your tits are
hanging out, and your muff is on display. Men will look at you if you make an effort to attract male attention, this means that men
you don't like will also look. It's complimentary in most cases, and shouldn't be used as a reason to complain.
Is it complimentary if you look at her through her bedroom window at night?
Definitely not.
Damn. Moving on, what is the third commandment?
This is what the third one says,
Thou shalt maketh man a decent sammich.
My favorite one so far, how do you interpret it?
This just means be nice to men in general, treat them as close to how you'd like them to treat you as you can. Have their backs, so
when you hear bad things about them, speak up and defend them, exactly the way you would want men to defend women if they heard
them being badmouthed.
Sounds simple enough. What is the fourth one?
This must be important, because God wrote it in bold, it goes like this,
Thou shalt not turn thy children against their father.
This is something a lot of women do, and they know they do it, sometimes all out attack, sometimes subtly, but they do it, and
they need to stop doing it, as it not only destroys a relationship between father and child, but also society itself, as statistics
about fatherless homes clearly demonstrate.
I would say that's the most important one so far. What is commandment number five?
This is Kobe's favourite one,
Thou shalt not accepteth financial support from thy ex.
This should be easy to follow, especially if you're the gender that constantly screams at high volume that they can do anything better
than the other gender, so that should mean they are better at financially supporting themselves than men are.
Try telling that to Kobe's ex-wife.
She deserved every Penny.
You have got to be shitting me?
I'm not, I honestly believe that she deserved more than that, because she never even got half, but she still done quite well, and
she totally deserves it.
Is it the first of April already? Justify that statement.
Don't get it twisted, she doesn't morally deserve it, and she has no honour, but the truth of the matter is this, Kobe Bryant got
played by a failed video hoe, and he got played like a chump. I'm not a Basketball fan, but I seriously doubt any opponent has ever
completely clowned him on the court, and yet a video hoe played him like a trick, and humiliated him all over the world.
Doesn't sound like a good idea to compare a game of Basketball to a marriage.
They're not much different, as they are both games, with set rules, and it's played in most parts of the world. Kobe's eye was on the
ball on the court, but not in the game his wife was playing, the game where her goal is to use her good looks to attract a rich man,
the richer the better, and then take that man for as much money as possible. This is a very popular game that women play, especially
if they look like video hoes, and the fact that Kobe didn't click on to his wife's game, makes him look utterly brainless.
So you're saying, don't hate the player, hate the game?
Precisely. It's his own fault, how many decent women has he turned down over the years? The chump just wanted a trophy on his arm, and
that makes him a complete tosser.
Interesting. Let's get back to the commandments, what is number six?
Number six is,
Thou shalt not turneth on the waterworks when caught on a wrong doing.
This simply boils down to, You're a grown-ass adult, behave like one.
Simple enough. What is number seven?
Number seven goes like this,
Thou shalt not allow others to form thy opinion.
Think for yourself is the simple message here. Don't allow women's groups or self-proclaimed feminists tell you what your opinion is,
they don't have a say, only you do, so cut through all their bullshit and form your own opinion, after fairly weighing up all
the facts. You should be offended when anyone speaks on behalf of women.
Sounds easy enough to follow. What is number eight?
This is what eight says,
Thou shalt not blameth the nearest man when thou fucketh things up.
This happens a lot, a woman messes up, then she, and other women, look for a man to blame for her mess. For proof of this, look no
further than the extremely talented, and recently deceased, Whitney Houston.
A class act.
Indeed. Everyone is assuming her death was drug related, what with Whitney admitting to being a drug user, and her being found in the
bath. So obviously many people, well, women, have blamed Bobby Brown for the fact that Whitney took drugs in the first place. In
other words, a 19-year-old manipulated a 26-year-old woman into taking drugs, a woman who was in showbiz for about a decade before
meeting Bobby.
So some women think that Whitney, a woman who was allowed to drive, vote, own her own business, legally sign a contract, and pay taxes
for 8 years before meeting Bobby, was manipulated into using drugs by Bobby, who was only allowed such privileges for one year before
meeting Whitney? I can't even get my wife to smoke the beef, so I doubt she'd smoke crack or snort coke if I told her to.
They don't realise that by blaming Bobby for Whitney's adult choices, they are disrespecting her, and essentially pissing on her
grave, and she's not even cold yet. Her own family don't think much of her abilities as an adult either, as they blamed Bobby as well,
and treated him with contempt at Whitney's funeral, hoping he would lash out, so they could point and say, "See, that's what kind of
person he is". He paid his respects and left in a dignified manner that put Whitney's family to shame.
Good for him. All I keep thinking is, what in the name of Christ were racist assholes Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton doing at
Whitney's funeral, racist Jessie even getting a seat in front of the camera?
Just like Obama's inauguration, it was seen as a "Black event", so they had to show face to remind all black people that they are
their rulers and overlords, and when racists Jessie or Al say, "Jump", black people have to say, "How high, sir? Would you like me
to lick your boots, Your Majesty?".
I hate those two racist knob-ends, they give black people a bad name.
They don't even show up on Whitney's Wikipedia page, even though every famous black person who existed in Whitney's lifetime is
mentioned there, even the talentless, shit-for-brains Brandy is mentioned. Racists Al and Jessie just used Whitney's death for
their own gain, the scumbags.
They sure are. Moving on, what is commandment number nine?
Nine's a good one, it goes like this,
Thou shalt not resort to shaming language when thou are criticised.
This is easy to sum up, if you cannot refute what is said, either admit defeat, or keep your trap shut, but under no circumstances
should you make yourself look like a complete asshole, by attacking someone's character to try and change the subject.
I like that one. Well, last but not least, what is commandment number ten?
This is what ten says,
Thou shalt not aborteth unborn babies willy nilly.
Contraception is always the best option, abortion should only be used in rare cases, where there is severe disability, a result of
rape, or danger to the mother. At any other time it should be the absolute last resort, not something casual you can do on your
The Pope would disagree about contraception.
That's because he's too stupid to realise that God made man intelligent enough to invent contraception, if God didn't want man
to use contraception, he would never have gave him the intelligence to do so, that would be stupid. If I was the Pope, I'd be careful
about swanning around treating God as if he's stupid, the pointy hat-wearing buffoon.
I agree. Well, Mary, we have to leave it there, that was very interesting, thank you for sharing those commandments with us.
No problem Hugh.
Before we go, I have a joke for Mary.
Let's hear it.
How do we know that beer contains female hormones?
I don't know.
Because whenever men drink it, they end up talking utter shit, and are unable to drive. Until next time, goodbye.