How to Hitchhike Across America: Season 1 (Part 4/5)

Uploaded by vice on Jul 7, 2012


DAVID CHOE: In the end, only kindness matters.
That's what Jewel says.
And this is where she's going to be playing, at the
Horseshoe Casino Hotel in beautiful Tunica, Mississippi.
And not to be a cocktease--
I have absolutely no desire to see Jewel.
I'm here to gamble with some money.
Got a cash advance on my credit card.
I need to buy a boat.
I want to go down the Mississippi River.

Thumbs up, America.

Hate to do the obnoxious money shot, but, 20 minutes later,
nice hand at the blackjack tables with
Jeff, the dealer, and--
looks like I got some boat money.
Hate to be a fucking prick, but you know how it goes.
Ready for a nice boat ride, Harry?
HARRY (OFFSCREEN): Let's do it.
To win some, you lose some.
DAVID CHOE: Tunica, Mississippi.
HARRY: It's time you won.
Let's do it.

DAVID CHOE: Benny, who's wearing a shirt that says
Benny Thompson, but it's actually not him, just came
out here to warn us that a lady complained about--
BENNY: And she thought y'all were some
terrorists or something.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): She thought we were terrorists
because we're backpacked and we're foreigners.
BENNY: Yeah.
DAVID CHOE: All right.
What are they saying exactly?
There's foreigners out there that look like terrorists?
BENNY: Yeah, but you don't though.
DAVID CHOE: Bin Laden's cousin.
Where y'all hiking to?
HARRY: Well we want to go to Greenville tonight.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Well, the only reason why we might
want to go to Greenville is there's a Walmart there, and
there's an inflatable raft at the Walmart
that's waiting for us.
I want a boat.
I want to take a boat down the Mississippi River.
A little boat.
Not a big boat.
BENNY: In the Mississippi River?
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, in the Mississippi River.
BENNY: What are y'all smoking on, man?
You're talking about-- you're going to get crushed in that
river, man.
It's of water, man.
BENNY: Man, that's the most dangerous river in the world.
Why is it dangerous?
BENNY: There's holes, sinkholes, and all kind of
stuff like that.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): What's a sinkhole?
BENNY: It's a sinkhole when a barge comes up down the river,
and it wipes you on the side of it, man.
And have you gone swimming in the Mississippi River?
Anybody's gonna be swimming [INAUDIBLE]:?
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Have you known anyone that's swam
in the river?
I know a couple guys--
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): So you're from Mississippi and
you don't know anyone who's ever swam in
the Mississippi River?
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): All right, I'll find a boat.
BENNY: OK, I'll tell--
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): I'm going to sail down the
Mississippi River.
I'm going to ditch the sinkholes.
I'm going to ditch the undercurrent.
I'm going to ditch the sewage.
BENNY: All right.
I only heard of Huckleberry Finn.

DAVID CHOE: I'll be your Huckleberry Finn.
How about a ride?
How bout a lift?
Come on.
BENNY: I ain't got time.
I got work to do.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Where's your truck, Benny?
BENNY: My truck's right there.
DAVID CHOE: Give me a fucking ride.
BENNY: My truck's right there.
DAVID CHOE: Let's go talk about it in the truck.
Benny's totally fucking with us right now.
Pointed at his truck and said it was a white guy truck, then
told us it's really his truck.
BENNY: It's my truck.
DAVID CHOE: It's obvious Benny has a high sex drive.
He has his own custom Ford sticker with a
naked woman on it.
BENNY: He's cool, man.
Hooks me up with everything, man.

DAVID CHOE: Let's go, let's go.

Bye, Benny.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, let's go, let's go.
Yeah, let's do it.
Oh, my god.
You are crazy, sir.
This is the best ride ever.
We're in Tunica, Mississippi.
Just jumped in a fucking limo.
HARRY: Limo!
DAVID CHOE: And we're going to Walmart.

And the lights are changing.
What's your name, sir?
LENNY HILL: Lenny Hill.
DAVID CHOE: Lenny Hill?
Thank you so much for the ride.
This is the best ride ever.
We thought we were going to get a ride with Benny, and
next thing you know, we get a ride with Lenny Hill, in the
fucking limo, heading over to Walmart, Tunica, Mississippi.
Thumbs up, America.
Dreams do come true.

DAVID CHOE: Lenny, thank you so much, sir.
LENNY HILL: All right, hope you enjoyed yourselves.
I enjoyed it, too.
Are you from out here?
DAVID CHOE: Lenny, we were standing out there for no less
than 10 minutes in front of a gas station when Benny, the
guy you saw us talking to, his employer came out and told us,
two women came in and complained that they saw
foreigners wearing backpacks, and that we were terrorists,
and that they were going to call the police on us.
LENNY HILL: Oh, my lord.
DAVID CHOE: And then you came in and you saved the day.
You got us out of town.
LENNY HILL: Well, you don't look like terrorists to me.
DAVID CHOE: And at any point during this ride, were you
scared of your life?
At any point in this ride, did you have any weird sexual
feelings towards me or Harry?
DAVID CHOE: Nothing?
You're really champion.
This was one of the best rides ever.
Thank you so much.
If there was women in the back, it would've been a
little bit better.
LENNY HILL: Sorry about the women.
DAVID CHOE: I'm not complaining at all.
Thank you so much, man.
LENNY HILL: Bye bye.
DAVID CHOE: This is fucking amazing.
There's a golf course right there.

So here we are at hole seven or hole number eight,
somewhere in Mississippi golf courses, some of the best
places to have sex, some of the best places to light
fireworks, some of the best places to just get some
shut-eye after the whole shut-down.
You know, country living, living in style.
Cornfield right next to the golf course.
We're right next to the golf course.
We'll catch some shut-eye here and then, we'll be off on the
road tomorrow.
Good night, America.
HARRY: Peace.

We got our limo driver yesterday to stop at five
different Walmarts so that we could find an inflatable raft
to take down the Mississippi River.
And basically, everyone that we talked to, everyone that we
met is born and raised in Mississippi.
They know of people that have actually swam in the
Mississippi River but they all died.
And no Sport Mart, no sporting goods store, no Walmart
actually sells an inflatable raft because it's a fucking
stupid idea.
There's sinkholes, there's a strong undercurrent, and
nobody really takes a raft down the river.
And so the closest we could find is the Monster Deck Tube.
And I imagine our adventure down the Mississippi River
will resemble this a little bit.
That's me.
That's Harry.
So, I just want to give an early "fuck you" to everyone
who said, "Don't do it.
You're a fucking idiot." I'm about to go down the
Mississippi River.
I'm going to have an awesome time.
And I'm gonna get a killer tan.

DAVID CHOE: We're trying to get down to Louisiana.
The current seems sort of weak, but you know, that might
be misleading.

DAVID CHOE: Here we are, going down the Mississippi River.
Me and my buddy, Harry.
Our camera man, Jacinto--
great guy --had absolutely no faith in going down
the river with us.
So it's just me and Harry and our little shitty camera.

DAVID CHOE: All right.
My feet are starting to itch a little bit.
We're going by some factory industrial-looking thing, and
there's some brownish-looking water pouring into the river.
All right, America, I gotta start paddling, so fuck off.

You see that shit, dude?
We're at least going like five miles an hour now.
It's the umbrella sail.
We don't have to row anymore.
DAVID CHOE: This is awesome.
Dude, we're fucking moving, man.

My credit card company called yesterday and said I'm late on
all my payments, on all my cash advances.
It's amazing how the tide turns.
One day you have no money.
Next day you win a couple grand in Tunica, Mississippi.
Next day, you're on a boat.
The credit card company can eat my ass right now.
There's really no where else I'd rather be right now.
I'm fucking sailing down the Mississippi River.
I wish--
the only other thing that I would like is if I was-- whoa!
HARRY (OFFSCREEN): If you're on board.
DAVID CHOE: Is if I was lying on my back like this, and my
girlfriend was sitting on my face.
And I'm holding the umbrella sail like this.
HARRY: That would be amazing.
DAVID CHOE: But, really there's no where else I'd
rather be right now.

HARRY: Bon voyage.
I'm going to brave the sinkholes.

DAVID CHOE: Can you touch the bottom?
DAVID CHOE: Can you see any catfish?
HARRY: I don't feel any.
DAVID CHOE: Can you see any?
HARRY: Can't see shit, it's all brown.
DAVID CHOE: Are there any black mermaids down there?
HARRY: I think.

DAVID CHOE: We changed our mind.
We're having too much of a good time.
Fuck camping out.
Let's fucking keep this adventure going.
We're going to stay on the river all night.
See how far we get.
We went 20 miles today.
Probably get 30, 40, maybe even 50 miles by tomorrow.
Only thing is, we're stuck in like some kind of weird
current in the middle of the river.

HARRY (OFFSCREEN): Guess they don't want to stop for us.
DAVID CHOE: Let's give them a honker.
HARRY (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, let them know what's up.
DAVID CHOE: Yeah, we're OK.
How far are you guys headed?

How far are you guys headed?
SPEAKER 1: We're getting ready to go fishing.
DAVID CHOE: Can you give us a lift?
SPEAKER 1: Yeah, man.
DAVID CHOE: All right.

All right.
DAVID CHOE: What's your name?
SPEAKER 1: Dave and who?
SPEAKER 1: Harry?
SPEAKER 1: Nice to meet y'all.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Nice to meet you guys, too.
What do you guys do during the week?
SPEAKER 1: Work.
SPEAKER 1: I drive a truck.
DAVID CHOE: You ever pick up hitch-hikers?
SPEAKER 1: You know, I haven't seen no hitch-hikers no more.
Why do you think that is?
SPEAKER 1: You see?
On the interstate border?
SPEAKER 1: A guy picked up girls up there.
He was killed.
SPEAKER 1: Fucking heard it on the news.
SPEAKER 1: Hell no.
They killed him.
He was killed and thrown in the Arkansas River.
DAVID CHOE: It really, really doesn't get better than this.

Who says you can't get picked up by truckers?
These are our friends from Arkansas.
They just gave us--
truckers that gave us our first lift on a boat, and
hooked us up with some beer.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Have a good time fishing.
Have a good weekend.
Take care.
Awesome ride, thank you guys.
SPEAKER 1: Thank you.
It really doesn't get better than that.
All right, I'm fucking in my boxers, lying on a raft,
drinking beers and booze with my friend Harry, and they're
fucking cold.
HARRY: Yeah.
DAVID CHOE: Harry, can I ask you a question?
HARRY: What?
DAVID CHOE: Why is life so rad?
HARRY: It is.
It just is.
And we're down in the river.
DAVID CHOE: They brought us at least 8 miles down the river.
New Orleans is at least 400 miles still away, so that'll
probably take us two weeks to get to, but as long as we get
about 8 more miles to a town called Eudora, Arkansas.
We can get to service road from there and hitch on down
to New Orleans.

I don't know how the light looks to you guys, but the
sun's going down, and it's gonna be pitch-black in about
30 minutes.
And it is gonna be super dangerous out here.

Pitch black.
2:00 in the morning, floating down the Mississippi River.
I mean this is shit that film or video will
never be able to capture.
One of these big barges come by, and every time they go by,
it makes little wakes that makes your boat feel like it's
going to flip over.
I mean, it's unbelievable.
It's just me and Harry drifting down this river at
two miles an hour.
All you hear is grasshoppers, and locusts, and
cicadas, and dogs and--
see every fucking star.
It's beautiful.

We just docked our boat right there.
It's about 2:00 in the morning.
We got scared when our boat started poking into the sticks
coming out of the ground, so we're going to camp out here
for the night.
It's good a place as any.

We got two bonfires going.
We got this old tree that fell down, and we're lighting the
entire stump on fire.
The smell of burning embers in the air.
We got the little baby one started.
I cut off my shirt.
I'm starting to look like the Incredible Hulk.
As day 13 arrives, Sunday, I really had my heart on going
to church tomorrow, but this might be better than church at
getting in touch with God.

I hope with my fried brain, I'm able to remember nights
like this because this is one of the best nights of my life.

Rise and shine, America.
We're at day 13 at Thumbs Up, America.

The light's starting to come up.
I'm guessing it's 4:00, 5:00 in the morning.
The sun has not yet risen over the Mississippi.
I have swamp butt, mud butt.
My face is swollen from the morning frost.
Spider bites, horse flies, mosquitoes.

I can't even feel my face.
It feels worse than when we slept at the golf course.
It got a lot colder than we thought.
But, I'll tell you what, I couldn't be happier.
Anyway, the sun's coming up.
We want to head a little deeper into Louisiana before
we hit the streets.
So, wish us luck, America.

I think if my calculations are correct, we're either at the
very tip of Arkansas, or at least at the tip of Louisiana.
That'd be awesome if we made it all the way to Louisiana.

Looks like we made it.
Lake Providence, Louisiana.
Of all the places we could end up, we end up in the Private
Resort Hunting Club.
They shoot on sight.
HARRY: No trespassers.
DAVID CHOE: We got here in the daytime instead of night.
So we're lucky.

DAVID CHOE: And they all have guns.

DAVID CHOE: We're in Louisiana in the south.
Catching a ride from a private hunting club to the main road.
Just got off the river.
I see cotton fields and I see a noose hanging by a tree.

What do you think about that?

DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): I know I've been
constipated for a few days.
If I saw that, I would've went [POOP NOISE].
That is--
I'm scared just sitting here right now.

but I'm crying inside.

SPEAKER 2: Well, how is hitch-hiking
these days and times?
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Well, have you
ever hitch-hiked before?
SPEAKER 2: I used to.
I've hitch-hiked very little, but I used to pick up
hitch-hikers back in the early '80s, but I don't
pick them up any more.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): And your reason for that is?
SPEAKER 2: Frickin' nuts out there.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): But what happened in the '80s and
'90s until now that--
the world has just transformed into a bunch
of nut jobs or something?
SPEAKER 2: Yeah, some of them.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): I mean, I don't think the
quotient of nut jobs have changed.
I think the media has changed, you know?
SPEAKER 2: I don't know.
As you get older and you get a family, you get more scared
about people.
SPEAKER 2: Y'all will have something to talk about when
you get older.
I think it's pretty cool.

I appreciate the ride.

DAVID CHOE: We gotta get a recap.
Get into it.
Get off the river.
That last family in town, they didn't leave for hunting for
the day for whatever reason.
Get lucky, they gave us 15 miles into town.
I mean, ha-ha-ha, funny, it's like what the fuck, dude.
Two Chinamen just rolled in on a raft into your backyard.
And we gave them the raft.
About to get two cheeseburgers.
Tired as fuck.
Dehydrated as fuck.
I'm gonna faint.
I'm gonna eat like six of these fruit smoothie, cream
slush, shakes and malts.

We're in Louisiana, so gonna hit New Orleans.
Should be there by tonight.
We're gonna hitch out of town right now.