Infomercial: Swords, Knives, Very Sharp Objects and Cutlery


Uploaded by adultswim on 27.11.2012

Transcript:

>> [ SPEAKING JAPANESE ]

[ GONG SOUNDS ]
>> OKAY, FOLKS, THANKS FOR
STAYING UP LATE WITH US.
YOU ALL KNOW ME
DRAGON SHUMWAY.
THAT WAS MY WIFE, SHOSHI, WITH
HER BEAUTY PRODUCT FOR LADIES,
DRAGON CREAM.
FOLKS, TONIGHT, ON THIS SHOW,
WE GOT SWORDS, KNIVES, BLADES,
AND A MYRIAD OF OTHER SHARP
OBJECTS HERE AND HERE ONLY.
I MEAN, FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS
REMARKABLE DISPLAY OF WEAPONRY!
LOOK AT IT ALL AND TREMBLE WITH
FEAR.
ANYONE CAN OWN THIS ARRAY OF
WEAPONS.
BUT PUT THEM ON YOUR SHELF AT
HOME.
OKAY, NOW, FOLKS, BEFORE WE GO
ANY FURTHER, I WANT TO CLEAR
SOMETHING UP, 'CAUSE A LOT OF
PEOPLE CALL UP AND THEY SAY,
"SHUMWAY, HOW DO I KNOW THESE
BLADES ARE SHARP?"
AND I'M GONNA ANSWER THAT
QUESTION RIGHT NOW.
KENNY, MY PRODUCER
KENNY, COME IN HERE.
>> OH, GEEZ.
>> HOW DO WE KNOW THESE BLADES
ARE SHARP, KENNY?
>> UH, WELL, LET ME BE THE FIRST
TO TELL YOU, UH, THEY'RE SHARP.
YEAH, I, UH I WAS LOADING
THESE PUPPIES IN THIS MORNING,
AND, WELL, YOU DO THE MATH.
>> KENNY, YOU ARE SO CLUMSY.
>> THAT I AM, SHUMWAY.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
>> I LOVE IT.
YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL AROUND
THESE WEAPONS, OR THEY'LL GET
YA!
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE SOME
CALLS.
KENNY, LINE ONE.
>> YOU GOT IT. UH...
>> HOW DO WE DO IT?
GET ON IN HERE AND SHOW ME.
>> JUST, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS
HIT THE BUTTON, REMEMBER?
WE WENT OVER THAT.
>> YOU JUST HIT THAT BUTTON.
>> Hello?
>> YEAH, YOU WANTED ME TO...
>> Hello? Hello?
>> YEAH, I ASKED YOU TO AND
YOU OKAY.
>> Am I on the air?
>> ALL RIGHT, FIRST CALLER, YOU
ARE LIVE ON THE AIR!
>> Hey, Shumway.
Brad in Orlando.
Love the show, man.
Love the swords.
>> ALL RIGHT, BRAD, LET ME ASK
YOU THIS, BUDDY.
YOU OWN ANY OF THESE WEAPONS
FROM THE DOUBLE DRAGON
COLLECTION?
>> Well, my favorite's that
Scorpion Scimitar.
>> Brad, are you down in the
basement?
>> Damn it, Connie!
I'm on the phone!
What did I say when I'm on the
phone?!
Now you get over here!
>> WHOA! [ LAUGHS ]
[ Dial tone ]
WE LOST BRAD THERE AT THE END.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
BRAD IS A GREAT GUY.
CALLS THE SHOW ALL THE TIME.
BRAD LOVES THE
SCORPION SCIMITAR.
CHECK IT OUT, FOLKS.
SEE THE GRIP RIGHT HERE?
COMES IN EITHER REAL ELEPHANT
TUSK OR REAL TIGER CLAW,
SPRAY-PAINTED GOLD JUST LIKE
THIS.
IT'S AN OUTSTANDING WEAPON.
I TELL YOU WHAT, FOLKS, THE NEXT
100 PEOPLE THAT CALL THE SHOW
AND PLACE AN ORDER FOR ANY
FANTASY SWORD, I'M GONNA THROW
IN THE PENETRATOR, OKAY?
THIS IS ANOTHER OF MY FAVORITE
IN THE DOUBLE DRAGON COLLECTION.
THE WEAPON IS PERFECT FOR
STABBING.
THAT'S STEP ONE.
STEP TWO...
YOU SPREAD THEIR GUTS WITH THE
TRIPLE-ACTION GUT SPREADER!
KENNY, DO YOU HAVE ANY
EXPERIENCE WITH A BLADE LIKE
THIS?
>> UH, WELL, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
MY MY STEPDAD AND I USED TO
WRESTLE A LOT JUST BETWEEN GUYS,
JUST FUN.
AND ONE DAY HE WAS GOING A
LITTLE TOO HARD, AND I USED A
SCISSORS TO THREATEN HIM, BUT I
WISH I HAD ONE OF THEM...
>> SURE, YOU DO.
>> ...'CAUSE IT WOULD HAVE IT
WOULD HAVE SCARED THE THE
THE IT WOULD'VE OOH.
>> IT WOULD HAVE SCARED HIM.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
KENNY BRINGS UP A GREAT POINT,
AND THAT'S FEAR.
THE GREATEST ASSET THIS COUNTRY
HAS AT ITS DISPOSAL...
IS FEAR, OKAY?
AND YOU'RE GONNA SPREAD A HELL
OF A LOT OF FEAR WITH A WEAPON
LIKE THE PENETRATOR.
RIGHT, KENNY?
>> IT'S A FANCY MASCULINE
WEAPON.
>> OH, BOY. COME OVER HERE.
I WANT TO SHOW I WANT TO SHOW
YOU THIS WEAPON, OKAY?
NOW, THIS BLADE HERE IS CALLED
AN ASSASSIN'S BLADE, OKAY?
AND LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THIS
BLADE IS USED FOR.
I'M GONNA DEMONSTRATE ON KENNY.
WHAT YOU COULD DO
POTENTIALLY SNEAK UP BEHIND
THEM, PULL OUT THE ASSASSIN'S
BLADE, JUST LIKE THIS.
RIGHT, KENNY?
SO EASY.
I'LL CUT YOUR [BLEEP] THROAT.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> I'LL CUT IT.
WATCH ALL THAT BLOOD DRAIN OUT.
>> DON'T DO THIS.
>> KENNY'S A GOOD MAN 'CAUSE HE
TRUSTS ME.
TRUST ME, KENNY.
KENNY'S A GOOD SPORT HELL OF
A PRODUCER.
NOW, FOLKS, LET'S TAKE SOME MORE
CALLS.
HOW DO WE DO IT?
>> JUST HIT THE BUTTON.
>> I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IT.
>> Is this Martin Shumwald,
U.S. Special Forces?
This is General Drake.
>> UH, KENNY, WE GOT ANOTHER
PRANK CALLER HERE.
DAMN IT. DISCONNECT PLEASE.
>> Shumwald, are you there?
>> PLEASE DISCONNECT THE PHONE.
FOLKS, THIS IS THE THING I'M
TALKING ABOUT HERE.
LATE AT NIGHT, YOU GET DRUNK,
YOU STAY AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW PEOPLE GET
HURT, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
FOLKS, WE'RE AT THE POINT OF THE
SHOW THAT I LIKE TO CALL
"CELEBRITY CORNER."
OKAY, I WANT TO BRING OUT A VERY
DEAR FRIEND OF MINE WHO YOU ALL
KNOW FROM HIS ACTION FILMS SUCH
AS "TOMAHAWK GUY,"
"A TALE OF TWO TOMAHAWKS," AND
"A TOMAHAWK TO THE CHEST."
PLEASE WELCOME
MR. INDO YAMMAMOTO!
INDO YAMMAMOTO!
WHAT A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU, SIR.
WHAT AN HONOR.
WHAT AN HONOR AND A PLEASURE TO
SEE YOU, SIR, ON THIS SHOW.
>> [ SPEAKING JAPANESE ]

>> AH, YES, INDO.
WELL SAID.
INDEED, WE ARE OLD FRIENDS.
NOW, FOLKS, INDO IS HERE TO
INTRODUCE A BRAND-NEW FANTASY
WEAPON.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE ADVANCED
COMBAT TACTICAL TOMAHAWK!
INDO, MY FRIEND, SHOW THEM HOW
IT WORKS.
[ ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> [ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTS ]
>> [ GIGGLES ]

>> MM.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, INDO.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, OLD FRIEND.
WHAT A LOVELY MARTIAL ARTS
DISPLAY FROM THE TOMAHAWK
MASTER, MR. INDO YAMMAMOTO!
NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU CALL US RIGHT
NOW, WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU, AS A
FREE GIFT, THE TACTICAL
TOMAHAWK.
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
UH, KENNY, PLEASE, WE'RE ON LIVE
TELEVISION.
WE GOT PEOPLE CALLING INTO THE
STUDIO RIGHT AND LEFT.
>> THEY THEY CORRUPTED OUR
MAINFRAME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
>> WELL, JUST TAKE THE CALL.
>> ALL RIGHT, GOING TO THE
PHONES.
>> Listen, Shumwald, it's
General Drake.
We were disconnected, so I'm
reconnecting us, you little
piece of
>> DAMN IT ANYHOW, KENNY!
THE PHONES TONIGHT WE
CERTAINLY APOLOGIZE.
LET'S KEEP THE SHOW GOING,
FOLKS.
>> JUST WANT TO SPEAK WITH YOU,
CAPTAIN.

>> YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY, BUDDY.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
CAPTAIN MARTIN SHUMWALD,
U.S. SPECIAL FORCES.
[ CHUCKLES ]
CAPTURED, DONG VALLEY, 1969.
IMPRISONED, TORTURED, DISAVOWED
BY THE PENTAGON.
ESCAPED VIETNAMESE WORK CAMP IN
1995.
CAPTURED IN PITTSBURGH AT A MALL
BY VIETNAMESE FORCES.
SENT BACK TO VIETNAM.
RE-ESCAPED IN 2005.
RECIPIENT OF THE PENTAGON'S
SINCERE APOLOGY AWARD.
HEARD ENOUGH?
>> HOW'D YOU FIND ME?
>> WE TURNED ON THE TV.
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?
>> WE WANT YOU BACK.
>> YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD.
>> WE APOLOGIZED.
>> WHAT'S THE MISSION?
>> INFILTRATE YOUR OLD P.O.W.
CAMP BRING OUR BOYS HOME.
>> ARE YOU TELLING ME WE STILL
GOT MEN LEFT OVER THERE?!
>> KIND OF.
IT'S VIETNAMESE TROOPS THAT WANT
TO COME HERE TO LIVE, BUILD A
BETTER LIFE.
ONLY WE CAN'T LOCATE THE P.O.W.
CAMP.
ONLY YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.
[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ]
>> GOOD GOD.
YOU BROUGHT CHOPPERS TO MY TV
STUDIO.
YOU SON OF A BITCH.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> [ GROWLS ]
>> [ GROANS ]

>> [ GROANING ]

>> [ GROANS ]
>> [ GRUNTS, LAUGHS ]
[ GUN COCKS ]
COME ON.
[ GRUNTS ]
COME ON!

>> OW! MY NUTS!
>> SHUMWALD!
>> GENERAL! NOT LIKE THIS!
YOU LET HER GO!
>> ONLY IF YOU DO THE MISSION!
>> AFTER ALL OF THIS BLOODSHED!
I KILLED ALL OF YOUR MEN!
>> I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.
>> I DIDN'T!
>> WELL, IT SEEMED LIKE IT.
>> GENERAL, STOP THIS MADNESS!
SHOSHI, TALK TO ME, GIRL.
HOW ARE YOU?

AND I LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEET PEA.
BUT I WILL NOT GO BACK TO
VIETNAM.
SO...
I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE.
I'M GOING TO KILL HIM, BUT NOT
BEFORE HE KILLS YOU.
I CAN'T GET THERE IN TIME.
BUT KNOW THIS
AS YOUR BODY HITS THE FLOOR WITH
NO MORE LIFE, HIS BODY WILL
FOLLOW RIGHT BEHIND YOUR DEAD
BODY.
AND YOUR BLOOD WILL COMMINGLE.
SO, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE,
MY FLOWER.
GOODBYE, MY LOVER.
GOODBYE, MY BOOKKEEPER AND
PERSONAL ASSISTANT.
>> [ GROANS ]
AAAAH! MY EYE!
>> SHOSHI! YOU DID IT, GIRL!
YOU SAVED YOURSELF!
AND NOW THIS IS A LITTLE BIT
AWKWARD, SURE.
BUT LET'S DISCUSS IT WHEN WE GET
HOME.

FOLKS, YOU SAW IT HERE TONIGHT.
[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]
THE ENTIRE "FANTASY" SWORD
COLLECTION PUT TO THE TEST
AGAINST REAL FLESH AND BONE.
LET'S TAKE SOME CALLS.
[ BEEP ]
>> Oh, man!
That was the most amazing thing
I've ever seen on television.
Let me give you my credit card
number, man.
I got to get me some of those
swords.
>> YOU GOT IT, MY MAN.
NEXT CALLER.
YEAH, YOU GOT SHUMWAY.
HOLD ON FOR JUST A SECOND.
I'M GETTING A LOT OF CALLS HERE.
HELLO?
CAN YOU HOLD ON JUST SECOND?
I'M GONNA GET I'M GONNA COME
RIGHT BACK TO YOU.
MAN, THESE PHONES ARE RINGING
OFF THE HOOK.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, HOLD ON.
OKAY, DON'T EVERYBODY CALL AT
ONCE!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DARLING.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP.
I'M NOT GONNA HANG UP ON YOU.
I'M JUST GONNA PUT YOU ON HOLD.