No U-Turns - From Here To Mexico - Episode 1


Uploaded by thenouturnsshow on 10.03.2012

Transcript:
Hey, how's it going, I'm on my way to the beach to pick up my friends. They're all swimming
here from the islands that they're from, and we're going to go on an amazing road trip
through the states. We're going to have a great adventure, and we're only going to have
one rule, No U-Turns, because this is the No U-Turns show!
(Grunting) We come to America! Aargh!
Alright guys we're going to Olympia, the capital of the Gods, where on top of Mt Olympus, we
will begin our epic journey across these 59 United States of America. Olympia is actually
the capital of Washington, which is the northwest corner of America. We're going to start our
journey there, and we're going to work our way down, and it's going to be one epic trip!
We're in Olympia!
Shall we introduce ourselves? Hi, I'm Jonathan Wakefield.
No, don't introduce yourself. I'm not Jonathan Wakefield.
Anyway, we're here… ah, I said it; we weren't going to say here we are.
I know, it's so hard not to say here we are. We're not here, we're somewhere else clearly.
Here we are in the studio, as you can see the green screen behind us.
No this isn't true. Why can't you say we're here?
Well… anyway, we're here in Washington, at the capitol building. That's Washington
State, in Olympia, and there's a random capital building that we just happen to be near. We're
being watched by people, but that's ok. We decided to start our road trip from here,
and we're going to head down highway 101. We're going to seek out warmer climes.
Yeah, we're going south; it's about that time of year. Let's go baby!
We're here live at the Vatican, as you can see the pope is just in there.
These handles are sealed shut! These aren't even real. This is government
today; handles sealed shut. (VO) I got a little frustrated with our government
at this point, and decided to join the occupy movement, if only for a brief moment. In fact
we might have been the only occupy Washington group that day, but we were passionate.
This is what you do when you realize you've forgotten loads of stuff on the road trip.
Aah, we're being honked at.
This kind on stuff's corrupting our youth these days.
I'm going to have to ask you guys to stop filming in this store.
You can't tell us that. I can and I will sir!
My friend pays taxes sometimes.
(VO) Having grabbed a bunch of food at Walmart, we continued along highway 101, until we saw
a festival with even more food, and we decided to stop, ok I decided to stop.
We're here at the Brinnon shrimp fest, in Washington, as you can see going on right
over there. This shrimp fest has actually been going on for the last 140 years. It was
first started by Lewis and Clark, when they were along the river, they met an Indian tribe,
they were out of food, the tribe shared a whole bunch of shrimp with them, and they
had a big party. Ever since then, the townspeople have come out to celebrate shrimp fest in
Brinnon. So we're going to go check it out and see what it's like.
If there's one sport I live for, its belt sander racing. This is my element, this is
my game, just watch the magic unfold, because this is going to be awesome. What they're
doing right now is they're lining up the belt sanders, they want to get them precisely in
line, because if they bump against the sides, that's going to slow them down. The key is
for a straight shot, lots of power, lots of torque, you've got to get the hemmy going…
oh, here they come, ooh, the race car just narrowly beats the moose, for a while I thought
the moose was ahead, but the race car just that little extra drive to make it all the
way to the end. That was one of the best races I've seen today.
Garlic, garlic, garlic, garlic, garlic, I love garlic. I could just eat these clove
by clove, but my wife would kill me, because they just leak out of my skin and get everywhere
through me, so I shouldn't and I won't.
(VO) And we're off, Wheate on the left track, I'm on the right. We're going through the
bumper paddles, up the hill, Wheate has the clear lead over me, I'm trying desperately
to make up time, and he shoves me in the face, what a jerk. Alright proceeding down the hill,
and into the little bouncy things, I'm trying to catch up. And I get on top of him, and
I've overtaken him. Into the tunnel, desperately trying to go as fast as I can, and my pants
start to fall down, which lets Wheate get the win. I really need a belt.
You got my shoes?
(VO) Five cents a pound for shrimp, not on our watch, we decided to march out and down
to the coast to see what food we could forage for ourselves.
How do you know if it's a good one Noah? Because it's big and plump.
This is a salmon berry, and I'm about to eat it.
But now were going to go clamming. Turn away.
See, here's the thing you don't know about me, I don't like berries.
You don't like berries, what about black berries? Nope.
Strawberries? That's the only berry I like.
Blueberries, boysenberries? Nope.
Huckle? I'm telling you, strawberries are the only
berry I can deal with. What about pineapple berries?
I don't even know what those are!
We're here, at the mouth of the hood canal, and it is quite stunning, I must confess.
There are lots of little animals rushing around here, minding their own business. This is
a favorite hotspot for locals to do a little clamming.
What's going on here? That's disgusting, I'm trying to film a reputable
show here, and he comes a ruins it. Anyway, what was I saying? Basically it's a long process,
clamming, it includes things like… you can have manila clams, naked little neck clams...
soft shell clams, bed nose clams are quite good… butter clams are actually my personal
favorite… (VO) We had to edit this scene, because he
went on about his favorite kinds of clams for a good three hours. It was a very disturbing
and strange display of insane clam knowledge.
I've got a few clams for myself, there's nothing a good pair of teeth and some sharp nails
can't do. This is going to be a good, good dinner. I need bigger pockets, and better
gloves. (VO) Wheate actually caught all these clams
himself, we definitely didn't just beat up some guy going down the path and take his
clams. And, thank you.
Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, just using his bare hands, when you have a tool like this, you
can catch lots of bounty. I'm going to drink this all down in one big uncooked stew, and
I'm not going to share with anyone, no one is getting my oysters.
(VO) And I did slurp them up, I was just finishing the last of them while were making our way
to the next destination, this big lake.
This is how they came up with the idea of the hoover dam, some guy was just really angry
with the water, and he just started throwing rocks at it. Stay back! Get away from my house!
And eventually he threw so many rocks that the water stopped coming. So they called it
the hoover dam, because his name was hoover. This is how they teach you history in England
is it? That's the history lesson I got, yeah.
It all starts with some guy getting angry. That's how all inventions are made, some guy
is angry, like the light bulb, he was really angry at dark places.
(VO) We decided to leave the lake and move onto other things. We spent a lot of time
in that car, and in every shot I seem to be eating, which is really strange, because I'm
normally not always eating, it's something I do rarely. I have about one and a half meals
a day. Oh look at that neat old lady, she looks so
friendly. Actually… No she doesn't.
No.
According to the sign, we're in the logging capital of the world. But we're here to find
out what's so special about Forks. Are you ready to be dazzled by twilight? The
international movie phenomenon started right here in Forks. And as you can see Edward is
right over there with our friend Andrew, and the girl whose name I can't remember. The
key to looking like a twilight character is to show no emotion in the face, just totally
shut down, and look somewhere else. I have no idea what's going on here.
This is the famous Twilight school, all you girls out there are probably going crazy seeing
this, that we are right here. We're going to go take some grass.
We've actually enrolled ourselves in the twilight high school, but after they saw us, they didn't
believe that we were high schoolers. They look like vampires
They might actually be real twilight vampires. Keep your distance.
(VO) The sun was starting to set in forks, and we decided we needed to get out of there
fast. And Wheate tried to choke down a carrot, but it was not working really well with vampire
teeth. Bless you Wheate, bless you.
My peanuts, they're peanut shells. Jono is throwing his rubbish into nature.
Nature can handle it alright, natures thrown a bunch of rubbish at me.
It looks like a sad looking raspberry. Get him, push him in the bushes.
I hate berries, and that's why.
This is what it's all about, foraging for living organic… get the freak off me! This
is what it's all about, getting back to nature, getting back to your roots, getting back to
that hunter gatherer, sometimes angry fighter in all of us. And just living off the wild
man. Living off the land.
Living off the land. You guys want to go to McDonalds after this?
Yep.
(VO) We found ourselves in an idyllic location called Ruby Beach where Lewis and Clark first
found the Pacific Ocean… possibly.
Ok, ready, here we go. I'm coming down now, from one of these giant sea rocks that I've
just climbed. It's about 30 feet up, and it's a good climb, I'm about done now, I was sweating
bullets at the top. I wish you would have gotten here earlier when I was planting the
American flag at the top, but whatever.
Crickey, just here mate, we've got a beautiful view of a mountain goat, wearing what known
as its green winter coat. I really hope the poor goat doesn't fall down and break his
legs, because someone would have to tell his mother.
(VO) I decided to get back in touch with my wild roots and jump the river.
I'm just plotting my course, now it's time for the real thing.
(VO) Unfortunately, tragedy struck. Ow, gosh, dang it, I've sprained my ankle,
shoot. Looks like we're going to have to find a different way around.
(VO) I then had the idea to make my own bridge across, which I could have done easily, but
I decided it wasn't worth the time. I come from a long line of explorers, going back
to Columbus, although I have no formal training. Aargh, I'm panicking, I don't know how to
go back. Watch, this is what's known as a sloth, they're
very poor climbers. Aargh!
You can do it Jono. I did not realize being a pioneer was this
hard. Ok. (VO) The key is to try to keep a level head
in these situations. There's no turning back this time, I've tried
all options, this one makes the most sense. Even though I'm teetering out of control.
I've got to get across, single minded, single purpose. This is my destiny. Whoa man! Ow,
whoa! There's some sharp parts in this tree, ow! Whoa, my feet! It's too low!
Its fine, I'll try to lift it up for you. Aaaaargh!
I'm not going to shake it. Andrew!
You can do this Jono, I'll lift it up, and then you can make it.
How close am I? You're so close.
I'm not that close! Put your feet up on top of the log. There
you go. Aargh, my knees!
Now push him down Wheate! Aargh, Andrew! No. This can't be happening!
Aargh! You made it Jono!
I did it! I did it!
(VO) Kendo, the Japanese art of stick fighting, we're both experts in it, so Wheate and I
put on a demonstration for the boys… till I rolled my ankle.
(VO) Wheate was a great admirer of the star wars kid, come to think of it; Wheate might
be the star wars kid.
It appears we just missed seeing the rainforest, the only rainforest in the northern hemisphere.
(VO) Arriving at our campsite, the Jewish music really helped set the mood for our super
quick tent setting up scene. (VO) The
guys are working real hard, and I'm collecting sticks over in the background. That's pretty
much my job when it's time to set up the tent. They tell me to go find some sticks. And as
you can see we all fit pretty well in that tent together, until night time rolls around
and then things get weird. We ran low on food pretty quickly since I was eating most of
it during the driving, so I decided I was going to eat my shoes.
Things are not looking good, after our first night of camping. My pillow really sucks.
Everyone else is asleep; Noah is doing pretty well in his double blankets. My legs are freaking
freezing. Anyway, I think the guys need to wake up, so I'm going to start waking them
up. Hi Jono. Hey Andrew.
Jaron, Jaron, shall we go on the road trip? I kept waking up because Jono was snoring.
I think we should leave him. You're not going to leave my behind.
But if your snoring is keeping us awake, you'll ruin everything.
Oh, the snoring was horrible. I was snoring?
I will kill you! I poked you so many times. It didn't make
any difference. Did you hear my Wheate?
You didn't care! Come on guys, let's make a TV show, for everybody.
We can't do that when we're sleeping, can we guys? I don't think so!
Dude, it's too early!
(VO) Setting out early that morning we headed for our next stop, Cape Disappointment.
Dear, dear, dear, back up, back up! Jono saw a dear, we are at Cape Disappointment,
but we are far from disappointed at the moment. Your good, keep going, there's no cars.
Oh, look there's the dear. There he is!
There are two of them. I'm getting out.
Just beyond the ledge, I'm so scared, but excited.
(VO) That is the ugliest dear I have ever seen.
We're here at Cape Disappointment, and I'm really excited for what's to come. Except
that I'm in flip flops, my feet are kind of cold, because I fell into a river yesterday.
We've been cautioned that it's a muddy trail which is always exciting.
Looks like its five miles to Cape Disappointment, and three miles to the interpretive center,
and we should probably bike it. Did we mention how cold it is?
Yeah, it's cold. This is the Oregon coast in June.
This is actually the Washington coast. Oh, this is the Washington coast.
Yeah, it's the Washington coast. We haven't crossed the river yet.
(VO) What Noah fails to realize, is that the whole northwest is really the Oregon territory.
Lois and Clark were the first to explore the northwest; Lois was a journalist at the time,
trying to do a piece on it. And Clark was also a journalist, but little did Lois know,
Clark had a big secret, he was actually an alter ego, a very strong man. I don't remember
what his name was, something like strong man, or awesome man or something. And he had special
powers that helped him to explore the northwest. Lois always thought Clark was a nerd, because
of his alter ego; he tried to play it cool, tried to make people think he was stupid.
And then somehow, I think there was an Indian chief named Lex Luthor that tried to get in
their way, it's all very confusing, if you read the history then you'll know. It is rumored
that while Lois and Clark were here they hid a special treasure that the Nazis were trying
to find. It may be hidden deep within the compound.
Oh my gosh, this is very spooky, a very spooky, scary WWII compound were at least 150 Americans
lost their lives. This was one of the bloodiest battles of WWII when the Japanese tried to
invade, and push up the Columbia river. The coast guard held them back by firing from
the lighthouse. There are a lot of dead bodies around here; I think I can smell rotting flesh
just within these chains. Maybe not as much rotting flesh, as spare parts. But still.
That's an old sewing machine. The ghost of what happened remains.
(VO) We then embarked on a strenuous journey to the top of Cape Disappointment.
This lighthouse better blow my freaking mind. Blow your freaking socks off, whoa! My gosh!
Done! Preemptive sock blow off.
I may not be able to carry the ring… the camera for you master Jaron, but I can sure
carry you! Come on! Get away Gollum, you nasty beast.
Get away you beast! I hate you.
That's the famous murder bunker where they used to take young Navy cadets, and give them
cake and cookies after they've completed their training.
It was feared by many. Because of its name, but it was actually quite
a happy place.
Welcome to, the Bay of Disappointment? Welcome to Cape… Cape… ready for it…
ready… Cape… Disappointment. Well this is disappointing.
(VO) We finally left crappy rainy Washington, came over the bridge to Oregon, and got a
nice big ol' pancake breakfast. We've just had our breakfast at the Pig'N
Pancake. The pancakes were good, and let me just come inside and show you something that's
very unfortunate, that happens on all unplanned road trips. Basically, this is what we came
for, and were about a week too early, which sucks.
Ok, we are beginning our search for the fabled… Goonies' house! Because we are in Goonies'
land, Astoria! Watch out where you're driving Jono.
"Hey you guys!" That's Sloth; he's the main character really.
We should have Jono do the truffle shuffle when we get to the house.
Yes! We'll have Jono do the truffle shuffle! You want to see that!
"Aw, guys! Come on! Come on, guys!" Goonies is probable the most groundbreaking
movie of the last century actually. Is that it?
That looks kind of like it. Excuse me; do you know where the goonies house
is? Go right on the corner, make the turn to go
up, stop at the top of that block… Turn right up that street, and then you turn
left, and there'll be a sign up this little gravel road.
Thank you. The quest continues. Did anybody catch that?
I couldn't understand their accent.
All poor Jono can remember from the Goonies movie, is…
The scary skeleton. It was really scary. Oh, look at this place, its amazing!
Go Goonies!
This is where the famous truffle shuffle was first done; let's have a seat on the bench.
"Come on guys, aw guys, come on, guys." More up and down!
(VO) You can't go to the Goonies house and not do the truffle shuffle.
Ok so were here at the… Astoria street fair. Sunday Market.
And we have just purchased, can you guess what meat this is? It's called rattlesnake
on a stick. None of us have ever had rattlesnake before, so we figured we might as well pay
the $7.50, and give it a shot, so here we go.
It's hard; I think it bit me back. Try a bite. I will try a bite. Aw the rib cage.
Yeah, there's some bone in there. It's hard to eat.
Give us a bit. It has almost a fishy smell. Yeah, fishy texture actually, fishy taste.
Fishy all round. That was a lot better than my bite.
There's so many bones. Yeah, full of bones, snakes.
It's like fish in that way, but it's also like chicken. It's like almost all bone actually.
It's almost entirely bone, which for $7.50, you'd think they would have boned it. Then
again if they took the bones out, what would be left?
Think of a rack of ribs, only the rack of ribs is, I don't know how long. And it's got
rattles on the end. Ok, I love you.
He's talking to his mum. Jono's mum has Son tattooed on her arm.
Look at this, check out the mandolin.
This place has everything; on your right we've got corn heads.
Knives are a beautiful thing, weapons in general, but knifes especially.
We've just spotted a booth were you can apparently 'win a gun,' so we have to go see. I love
Astoria! Buy a raffle ticket; get lucky if someone
draws your ticket.
So, a vacation for 22 years, how does that work?
You come here to America, then you… well really it's a funny story. Then I bought an
old car, I didn't have so much money, I rebuilt that car. And I saw 48 states from your country
in 8 months. I was living in the car, and living in the desert for ten days, and I never
saw nobody! You know in Europe, every five minutes you're in a different town, but here,
wow you're really alone, you know, you can stand naked around, and nobodies bothered,
there's nobody there. You know it was really something else.
Guys, look at me, cameras on me. I will now take you to my ancestor's final resting place
and monument. Follow me. Chief Cumcumly was a famous Indian chief who
traded a lot with Lewis and Clark, and helped the white man, white devil as I say, get established
here, in the northwest. And they made a monument to pay tribute. It's over here.
I am his great, great, great, great awesome, super, cool, wonderful grandson.
What is actually amazing is that Jono is a descendant of this chief.
How do you feel right now? How do I feel? Just weird, kinda strangely
emotional. Just different. Yeah, and do feel people show you, and the
family the proper… No.
Not at all? Even within the tribe? Ok, let me break it down, be very honest right
now. I'm barely Indian at all. But this is cool to visit. I think I'm related to this
guy, I want some college money out of it.
They're desecrating my ancestor's monument, throwing planes off of it, that's not why
this was built. This was built to honor the Injins that were slaughtered.
Alright guys, we have brought up airplanes that we are going to race. The one that makes
it furthest from the tower wins a pizza. Ok, ok, let's aim for the guy near our car.
Go! Aw, yours is attacking mine what does he think he's doing. Which ones which?
That's why I said we were supposed to go at different times.
Mines so much better though, mines that one. They're circling each other, they're like
dog fighting. Man these things fly really well.
Take that Germans. They're both German.
Uh oh, it's going to hit that little boy. Oh man this one's trying to double back and
hit the lighthouse. Oh my goodness, it just keeps going.
How high up are we?
(VO) We then drove 2 miles south to Fort Stevens, to watch a bunch of old men play with cannons.
Reenactment big style, well they're not actually reenacting, but we get to see people dressed
up in old clothes. This cannon here, is an actual civil war cannon
that was caste in 1857. Fire in the hole!
Jeez. I could never fight war, I'd be so afraid
of all the cannons. I'd be like ready, aahhh… That's the whole idea, you're supposed to
be afraid of the things. This is a replica of a 200 lb. parrot rifle.
That was used in actual coastal defenses here in Fort Stevens, in the compound over there.
Fire in the hole! I need to change.
That was 8 ounces, it normally shoots 16 pounds. Do you think we could get one of these for
the car? To set up when we camp? It's definitely better than the tent we have.
Yeah, it's kinda roomy in here.
(VO) After five hundred years of protection from the Japanese, one fair skinned, yellow
haired Japanese man did make it through the lines.
(Fake Japanese) Ja! Ja! Argh. I'm dead now, I don't like this. I'm
getting all wet. This is dumb.
(VO) all of us guys, and Noah's stinky feet proceeded to our campsite for the night.
Oh, it was just pouring down rain last night, oh it was just terrible, just terrible. And
our tent leaks quite a bit. I've got a small thermorest mattress that doesn't quite float
my above the flood waters. So I actually spent the night in the car last night. That was
my humble abode, as you can see it's all tidy, and I've rolled up my blankets. But let's
go take a look at the other guys and see how they've faired.
(VO) By this time in the road trip the guys had forced me into my own tent due to snoring.
I feel like I'm just wading through a swamp here.
Hello. Hi, good morning guys.
Welcome to our wet cave. Yeah, how did you do last night?
We are mostly dry. Mostly?
I slept the whole night. Ah, Noah, you're causing rain!
Oh, it's horrible. Haha, this is awesome.
Aargh! Don't disturb the tent! Well, actually you guys did pretty good, huh?
Yeah, what time is it? 8 o'clock.
Behold the puddle that lies underneath. Oh, it's disgusting. It's so horrible. I'm so
glad this is an airbed, because otherwise, I probably would have sunk.
So guys, what are you up to? Don't ask?
We're exploring the traditional art of mattress beating. It was popularized by the movie,
Lilly in Mexico. Is it possible Jaron is just taking out his
aggression on those things? Take that, freaking, aargh, aargh! It's beaten
me! Things got pretty wet last night aye?
Yeah, pretty rough, this is all Jaron wanted to do this morning was beat up our mattresses.
(VO) The mattresses actually had grass stains all over them, that's why Jaron was incoherently
beating them with a towel, he was mad at them.
Alright, so we're in the process of making the executive decision. Shall we do a rock,
paper, scissors? About what?
For the tent. Burn it! Burn it to the ground.
Burning it does have its appeal, only I think we could spend more time trying to light it.
We have the great fortune of watching Jaron Patterson, wring out his socks. Behold the
dripping. Ah, it's all brown!
Look at those sad little feet, which are in my flip flops, because Jaron only brought
one pair of shoes. I only needed to bring one pair of shoes,
they just got wet. Oh, no!
Yep. Where did you put those things?
They were in the tent where it was raining. That is so disgusting, look at those things.
Yeah, we've decided to leave the tent, it's just soaking wet, and there just no point
in doing anything. So, we're leaving it for the campground people, and there you go, we're
out of here.
(VO) The light of the early morning revealed to us a happy and wondrous sight, what luck,
what fortune, what cheese. We eagerly set off to get as much free samples of cheese
as they would allow.
This was the first man who was ever turned into cheese. He's been immortalized here.
His name is Mr. Tillamook. Act like you're being milked.
They're very dangerous, the kind of cows they use for cheese are the most vicious cows you
can find in the whole of North America, and that's why they keep them inside these containers.
The whole milking a cow process is now controlled by computers, how much power should we give
to computers. Those have been heavily handled. They're worn
away. Stay back. These things could break your leg when they stamp on you. Wow what
are you doing! That man tried to milk me! Cheese!
Well I think we've milked this place dry. Haaaaaaaaaa!.
We can't believe it, but it's actually not raining in Oregon.
Aah, it's getting rainy, really really freaking rainy. Holy crap. This is nuts.
We're almost there.
That man is peeing within feet of a child.
(VO) Will the boys make it down the hill in time? Will Wheate get his head kicked in by
Jono? Either way it looks like trouble, and it looks like fun. Join us next time for…
No U-Turns!
(VO) Next time on the No U-Turns Show, it all gets a bit much for Jono, Wheate washes
his hair, Jaron buys too much green tea, Noah changes his pants, and the boys get in trouble
with the law! Buy our Stuff!