Emerge Victorious - Sandra Dopf Lee, Jennifer Cisney - Host, Dr. Freda Crews


Uploaded by timeforhopeministry on 06.02.2012

Transcript:
.
>COMING UP ON TIME FOR HOPE:
> BUT I BEGAN TO PUT ON A MASK OF A PERFECT CHRISTIAN WOMAN AND
THAT IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT AND THAT I HAD IT ALL TOGETHER. AND
I MARRIED AGAIN QUICKLY, WHICH I SHARE, AND I WANT TO SHARE,
BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S A PROBLEM WE RUN INTO A LOT IN DIVORCE
>JOIN DR. FREDA CREWS, LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, AND HER
GUESTS AS THEY PROVIDE PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS TO REAL LIFE PROBLEMS
ON TIME FOR HOPE. .
>I COUNT IT A PRIVILEGE EACH TIME I WELCOME YOU TO ANOTHER
ADDITION OF TIME FOR HOPE, A FAITH BASED MENTAL HEALTH
PROGRAM. I ALSO COUNT IT A BLESSING TO BE ABLE TO HOST THIS
LIFE IMPACTING, LIFE CHANGING PROGRAM. I'M DR. FREDA CREWS,
AND TODAY I AM BEING JOINED BY TWO GUESTS SANDRA DOPF, A FAMILY
DIVORCE MEDIATOR AND MY LONGTIME FRIEND, THERAPIST AND COACH
JENNIFER CISNEY. THESE TWO WOMEN HAVE COMBINED THEIR PERSONAL
EXPERIENCES, INSIGHTS AND COMPASSION TO WRITE A BOOK
TITLED EMERGE VICTORIOUS, A WOMAN'S TRANSFORMATIONAL GUIDE
AFTER HER DIVORCE. WRONG OR RIGHT MORE THAN 50% OF WOMEN
HAVE OR ARE PRESENTLY WALKING THROUGH THE DARK JOURNEY OF
DIVORCE. AND YES, MY TWO GUESTS HAVE AND THEIR BOOK TELLS THEIR
STORIES OF FAILURE, ANGER, SHAME AND FEAR. BUT THEIR STORIES
DON'T END THERE. THEY HAVE EMERGED VICTORIOUSLY AND THEY
DESIRE THE SAME FOR YOU, TO FOLLOW THEIR PATHS. STAY WITH
US.
>AND JENNIFER AND SANDRA IT'S GREAT HAVING YOU ON TIME FOR
HOPE. AND YOU GUYS DROVE DOWN FROM CHARLOTTE THIS MORNING?
>YES. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE, THOUGH.
>IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE. LET'S JUST RIGHT OFF THE BAT, GET
SOMETHING OUT OF THE WAY, BECAUSE I SAID IT ON MY INTRO
AND THAT IS THE WRONG OR RIGHT OF DIVORCE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE PEOPLE OUT THERE SAYING YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN
BE TALKING ABOUT DIVORCE. GOD HATES DIVORCE, AND SO ON AND SO
FORTH. WE ALL THREE KNOW THAT, DON'T WE?
>WE DO.
>WE KNOW IT, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT HAS STOPPED THE
DIVORCE RATE EVEN IN OUR CHURCHES. I UNDERSTAND IT'S
HIGHER IN THE CHURCH THAN IT IS OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. THAT'S A SAD
THING TO HAVE TO SAY, BUT IT'S TRUE. I'LL LET YOU GUYS GET
STARTED IN A LITTLE WHILE, BUT I WENT THROUGH THAT ERA, WHERE
WHEN MARRIAGES BEGAN TO BREAK UP AND THE DEBATES BEGIN GOING ON,
AND I CAN REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE NOT ALLOWED HARDLY TO EVEN TALK
ABOUT SOMEBODY GETTING A DIVORCE. BUT IT DIDN'T STOP IT.
AND SOMEONE WROTE A BOOK DIVORCE ISN'T THE ANSWER. DIVORCE IS NOT
THE ANSWER; IT WAS A VERY POPULAR BOOK AT THAT TIME. YOU
KNOW WHAT I SAID TO THAT AND AS A THERAPIST MYSELF, NO DIVORCE
ISN'T THE ANSWER, BUT SOMETIMES IT'S THE ONLY ANSWER IN MANY
SITUATIONS. THAT DOESN'T MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE BUT YET, WHEN
YOU THINK IT OUT IT DOES.
>IT DOES. FREDA, I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS WE START OUT BY
SAYING IN THE BOOK IS WE'RE NOT GOING TO TRY TO JUSTIFY DIVORCE.
WE DON'T WISH THAT ON ANYONE. WE DIDN'T WANT IT FOR OUR OWN
LIVES, AND I DON'T KNOW IF ANY LITTLE GIRL WHO GROWS UP SAYING,
I'M GOING TO GROW UP, AND I'M GOING TO MEET THE MAN OF MY
DREAMS, WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO
GET A DIVORCE. THE DREAM IS HAPPILY EVER AFTER, IT REALLY IS
AND THAT'S WHAT OUR HOPE AND PRAYER FOR EVERY COUPLE IS. BUT
THAT'S NOT THE REALITY FOR MANY. IT WASN'T OUR REALITY AND WHAT
WE BELIEVE AND THE REASON WE WROTE THE BOOK IS THAT LIFE
DOESN'T END BECAUSE SOMETHING THAT WASN'T IN YOUR PLAN OR
GOD'S TAKES PLACE. THAT WE SERVE A GOD WHO CAN REDEEM EVEN THE
WORST SITUATIONS, EVEN THINGS WE DIDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN AND THAT
SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED. IT DOESN'T PUT HIS OUT OF REACH OF
GOD HAVING A PLAN FOR OUR LIVES STILL.
>I THINK TOO THOSE THAT ARE SO ADAMANTLY AGAINST IT DON'T KNOW
THAT GOD GAVE MOSES PERMISSION TO GRANT DIVORCES, BECAUSE IT
WAS A SITUATION OUT OF CONTROL FOR MOSES. AND SO HE WENT TO THE
LORD TO FIND OUT WHAT TO DO AND HE SAID I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
PERMISSION TO GRANT WOMEN A DIVORCE. WELL, YOU KNOW THE
REASON FOR THAT, DON'T YOU? BECAUSE THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO,
UNLESS THEY WERE DIVORCED THEY COULDN'T REMARRY AND THEY HAD NO
JOBS, THEY HAD NO INCOME. SO IT WAS AN ETHICAL THING THAT THE
LORD HANDLED WITH MOSES. SO I THINK WE'VE SAID ENOUGH AND
WE'LL JUST PLOW RIGHT INTO YOUR STORIES. AND I WANT TO DO TWO
WEEKS; I WANT TO DIVIDE THIS BOOK AS I GOT INTO IT. FIRST OF
ALL, IT SPEAKS TO SO MANY SITUATIONS IN LIFE; IT DOESN'T
JUST SPEAK TO DIVORCE LIKE EVA WOULD SPEAK TO THE LOSS OF A
SPOUSE. BECAUSE IN DIVORCE, IT IS A DEATH.
>IT'S A LIVING DEATH.
>IT'S A LIVING DEATH, AND SOMEONE WROTE A BOOK AGAIN,
SAYING THAT IT'S A DEATH BUT THERE ARE NO MOURNERS OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THAT DIVORCE IS THE DEATH BUT THERE
ARE NO MOURNERS.
>NO CASSEROLES AND FLOWERS TO ARRIVE.
>BUT YOU HAVE COVERED THAT IN YOUR BOOK THAT YOU GET TO SAY
GOODBYE AND EVEN MAYBE HAVE A CEREMONY AND SO FORTH. SO I'D
LIKE TO START OUT WITH, LIKE JENNIFER SAID EARLY ON, AND THAT
IS YOU DIDN'T GET MARRIED WITH THE IDEA THAT YOU WERE GOING TO
END UP DIVORCING. WHEN WE SEE WEDDINGS IT'S ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL,
AND WE ALWAYS LIKE TO SEE BEAUTIFUL WEDDINGS, NO MATTER
WHAT WE LIKE BEAUTIFUL WEDDINGS. BUT WOULD YOU TALK A LITTLE BIT
FIRST OF ALL ABOUT HOW LONG YOU WERE MARRIED AND HOW LONG YOU
HAD AN INKLING THAT THE MARRIAGE WAS NOT GOING TO WORK? SO WHO
WANTS TO START FIRST?
>I'LL LET SANDRA START.
>STILL SADLY, I WILL SAY I'VE BEEN DIVORCED TWICE, AND I
THOUGHT THERE'S NO WAY THE LORD WOULD EVER WANT TO USE ME A
DIVORCED WOMAN TWICE. I WAS A WOMEN'S MINISTRY LEADER, WHY
WOULD HE WANT TO USE ME? BUT THE TRUTH WAS, IS THAT I TELL
EVERYONE MY DIVORCE STARTED WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD. WHEN MY
FATHER DIED AND MY MOTHER SUCCUMBED TO ALCOHOL AND
DEPRESSION I BEGAN TO LOOK FOR A SAVIOR IN MAN, IN HUMAN. AND THE
FIRST MAN THAT WOULD LOVE ME I THOUGHT WOULD SAVE ME
FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND FROM ABANDONMENT. WHETHER
HEALTHY OR NOT, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT PICTURE LOOKED
LIKE. THERE WAS MY SAVIOR AND I MARRIED MY CHILDHOOD, I MARRIED
AN ALCOHOLIC. I WENT THROUGH THAT DIVORCE AND DID SOME GOOD
COUNSELING, BUT I BEGAN TO PUT ON A MASK OF A PERFECT CHRISTIAN
WOMAN AND THAT IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT AND THAT I HAD IT ALL
TOGETHER. AND I MARRIED AGAIN QUICKLY, WHICH I SHARE, AND I
WANT TO SHARE, BECAUSE I THINK THAT'S A PROBLEM WE RUN INTO A
LOT IN DIVORCE. AND AS LONG AS I WAS FOCUSING ON IT BEING HIS
PROBLEM THEN I WASN'T LOOKING AT MY PART. SO I PICKED THIS NEXT
GUY THAT CAME ALONG, AND HE WAS JUST TOTALLY OPPOSITE. AND YOU
KNOW WHAT, SOME OF THE SAME ISSUES SHOWED UP AGAIN, BECAUSE
THAT COMMON DENOMINATOR WAS IN THERE.
>THOSE WERE YOUR ISSUES.
>THAT WAS MY STUFF, AND I WAS STILL LOOKING FOR THAT SAVIOR.
AND SOME OF THOSE SAME ISSUES SHOWED UP AGAIN AND I FELL DOWN
AND SAID LORD I'M TIRED, I'M TIRED OF DOING IT MY WAY. I'M
TIRED OF PRAYING EVERY DAY AND GETTING BUSY THEN DOING LIFE THE
WAY I THINK THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO IT. HE WENT THROUGH ANOTHER
DIVORCE, AND I HAVE JUST GIVEN THE LAST 13 YEARS TO REBUILDING,
DID A LOT OF WORK WITH MYSELF AND I'M SO PASSIONATE ABOUT
SEEING OTHER WOMEN REBUILD THEIR LIFE AND NOT LOOK TO A MAN TO BE
THEIR SAVIOR.
>ACTUALLY BECOME THE NEEDS THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND
LOOKING AT THOSE, DEALING WITH THOSE, EXCEPTING THE REALITY OF
THEM AND AS WE CALL IT WORKING THROUGH IT. I THINK AS A GENERAL
RULE, MANY PEOPLE RUN AROUND LOOKING FOR WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
AND THAT IS SOMEONE TO COMPLETE THEM, SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF
THEM. A HALF PERSON LOOKING FOR ANOTHER HALF PERSON AND IT WON'T
WORK. IT WILL NOT WORK. IT TAKES TWO WHOLE PEOPLE TO MAKE A GOOD
MARRIAGE, TWO PEOPLE THAT HAVE DONE THE WORK THAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT DOING.
>GET THEIR EYES OFF THE FAULT. THINK WHEN WE GO THROUGH DIVORCE
IT'S VERY EASY TO KEEP OUR EYES FOCUSED ON THE FAULT OF THE
OTHER PERSON.
>WELL, WE'RE SELF RIGHTEOUS, WE'D RATHER THINK THE OTHER
PERSON IS TO BLAME. JENNIFER LET'S HEAR YOUR STORY.
>WELL ACTUALLY, FREDA YOU KNEW ME WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH MY
STORY.
>YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL NEVER FORGET, I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG
YOU WERE IN THE PROCESS OF DIVORCE BEFORE YOU TOLD ME YOU
WERE AFRAID THAT I WAS GOING TO CONDEMN YOU. KNOWING ME, THIS IS
BACK IN 1998, AND YOU HAD KNOWN ME A GOOD WHILE BY THEN AND YET
YOU WERE ASHAMED TO TELL ME.
>I THINK A LOT OF CHRISTIAN WOMEN GO THROUGH IT AND FREDA IT
WASN'T JUST YOU. I WAS ASHAMED TO TELL MY PARENTS, I WAS
ASHAMED TO TELL MY COLLEAGUES, MY FRIENDS. I THINK A LOT OF US
GO THROUGH THAT. I'D ONLY HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR FOUR YEARS, AND
MUCH LIKE SANDRA TALKED ABOUT THAT MASK. I WAS THE I HAVE IT
ALL TOGETHER CHRISTIAN YOUNG WOMAN. AND FOR ME WHEN MY
HUSBAND CHOSE TO LEAVE THE MARRIAGE IT WAS A FAILURE. I
FELT LIKE I HAD FALLEN ON MY FACE IN FRONT OF THE WORLD. AND
THAT FAILURE WAS NOT SOMETHING I COULD HIDE. BUT THERE WAS A
GREAT DEAL OF SHAME, ESPECIALLY FOR THE PEOPLE I RESPECTED AND
LOVED THE MOST TO SAY I'VE FAILED IN THIS WAY. I FELT LIKE
I HAD FAILED GOD, I HAVE FAILED MYSELF AND I HAVE FAILED THOSE
PEOPLE WHO VALUED ME. NOW I REALIZE NOW THAT I DIDN'T NEED
TO CARRY THAT SHAME BUT SO MANY WOMEN DO, SO MANY CHRISTIAN MEN
AND WOMEN WHO FAIL IN THEIR MARRIAGES. THAT BECOMES A GREAT
SOURCE OF SHAME. MUCH LIKE SANDRA SAID EARLIER, WE FEEL
LIKE WE CAN NEVER BE USED BY GOD AGAIN, BECAUSE WE'VE MADE THIS
MISTAKE THAT CANNOT BE REPAIRED OR HIDDEN.
>I THINK, FOR CHRISTIANS, WE SOMETIMES FEEL THAT DIVORCE IS
THE UN-PARDONABLE SIN.
>FOR A LONG TIME IT WAS BELIEVED MAYBE UNCONSCIOUSLY, BUT IT
APPEARED THEY DID BELIEVE, IN GENERAL, THE CHURCH DID BELIEVE,
IN GENERAL THAT IT WAS THE UNPARDONABLE SIN.
> AND IT REQUIRES A LITTLE EXTRA DOSE OF FORGIVENESS AND
REBUILDING. I WANT TO SAY, YOU KNOW I'M A DIVORCE MEDIATOR AS
WELL AS A DIVORCE COACH, AFTER DOING THIS FOR SO MANY YEARS
WHAT I HAVE FOUND THOUGH IS MANY WOMEN START LEAVING THE MARRIAGE
EMOTIONALLY FOR A GOOD WHILE BEFORE THE DIVORCE HAPPENS.
>WELL, I THINK MOST MARRIAGES ARE ALREADY, I THINK MOST PEOPLE
ARE ALREADY EMOTIONALLY DIVORCED BEFORE THEY HIT THE DIVORCE
COURTS. WOULD YOU AGREE?
>ESPECIALLY TRUE OF WOMEN.
>ESPECIALLY TRUE OF WOMEN, THEY SHUT DOWN IN THE MARRIAGE. AND
THE SAD THING ABOUT IT, WE GET PRAYER REQUESTS COMING IN HERE;
MANY OF THEM STAY FOR A LIFETIME SHUTDOWN IN A MARRIAGE BECAUSE
OF SOME OF THE THINGS YOU HAVE BROUGHT OUT. ESPECIALLY AGAIN
BACKING UP A GENERATION TO SAY MY MOTHER'S GENERATION OR THAT'S
TWO GENERATIONS. GOING BACK THEY HAD NO CHOICE, THEY HAD NO
CHOICE. IT WAS AFTER THE 50S THAT SOME WOMEN BEGAN TO HAVE A
CHOICE, BECAUSE THEY COULD GET OUT AND WORK. THEY COULD GET OUT
AND HAVE JOBS, AND SO FORTH.
>THE GROUP THAT IS GROWING THE FASTEST RIPE FOR DIVORCE RIGHT
NOW IS THE MID TO LATE LIFE DIVORCES. MEN THAT HAVE BEEN
MARRIED 25 TO 30 YEARS OR LONGER.
>I SAW THAT STAT, I SURELY DID. AND IT'S GETTING UP INTO THE 40S
AND 50S YEARS THAT THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED THAT THEY ARE DIVORCING.
SO THEY HELD OFF FOR A LONG TIME UNTIL THERE WAS AN OPPORTUNITY
THERE. SO WE'VE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT. I'D JUST BEEN TOLD
IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO OUT ON A BREAK AND WE'LL PICK UP THERE
WHEN WE GET BACK AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
>I REMEMBER THE LYRICS OF A SONG THAT COULD BE RELATED TO DIVORCE
THAT SAYS "BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO." DR. E. MAVIS
HETHERINGTON, PROFESSOR OF PSYCHOLOGY AT THE UNIV OF VA
LEARNED FROM PERSONALLY CONDUCTED STUDIES WITH DIVORCED
COUPLES THAT MANY OF THEM ARE NOT PREPARED FOR THE PAIN
ACCOMPANYING THEIR DIVORCE. HE RELATED, "THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW
MUCH ANGUISH AND STRESS IS ACTUALLY CAUSED BY DIVORCE." IN
MY OWN PRACTICE AS A LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, I HAVE
SEEN THE FACE OF GRIEF ASSOCIATED WITH DIVORCE AND IT
IS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT. DIVORCE IS A DEATH WITHOUT A CORPSE AND
FUNERAL. MANY GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE GRIEVE ALONE - UNABLE TO
SHARE THEIR FEELINGS OF REJECTION, FAILURE, GUILT,
DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY RELATED TO THEIR FUTURE. IT COMES
ESPECIALLY HARD FOR THOSE WHO HAD BELIEVED AND HOPED THEIR
MARRIAGE COULD WEATHER THE STORM BUT INSTEAD HEAR THEIR SPOUSE
WANTS TO END THE MARRIAGE. WHAT CAN THE REJECTED SPOUSE EXPECT
AND DO WHEN THIS HAPPENS? EXPECT TO FEEL NUMB, HURT, ANGER AND
FEAR ALL AT THE SAME TIME. REMEMBER YOU ARE HUMAN AND GO
WITH THE FLOW OF YOUR FEELINGS. YOUR GRIEF CAN ULTIMATELY BECOME
A HEALING FORCE WITHIN YOUR BODY AS YOU BURY YOUR DEAD MARRIAGE
AND ATTEMPT TO MOVE ON TO A NEW LIFE. RECOVERY DOES NOT MEAN
GOING BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE, BUT REGAINING YOUR SENSE OF
BALANCE AND CLAIMING OR RECLAIMING YOUR PERSONHOOD. IF
YOU HAVE NEVER GOTTEN TO KNOW AND ACCEPT YOURSELF, NOW IS THE
TIME TO CULTIVATE A HEALTHY SELF ESTEEM. THIS CAN BE A BIG
POSITIVE TO GROW OUT OF THE ASHES OF YOUR DIVORCE. DON'T
DATE TOO EARLY! DURING THE EARLY STAGES OF A LOST LOVE AND
MARRIAGE A PERSON CAN BE VERY VULNERABLE AND OPEN TO ANY
RELATIONSHIP THAT PROMISES LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE, SO IT CAN BE A
CHANCY TIME TO ENTER NEW RELATIONSHIPS. INSTEAD, TURN TO
TRUSTED FRIENDS AND FAMILY FOR SUPPORT AND SEEK PROFESSIONAL
HELP IF NEEDED. IF THERE IS A DIVORCE CARE MINISTRY AVAILABLE
AT YOUR CHURCH, PERHAPS IT WILL HELP YOU TO JOIN OTHERS SEEKING
RECOVERY AND TRANSFORMATION FOLLOWING A SHATTERED MARRIAGE.
SPEND TIME IN PRAYER AND READING THE BIBLE. GOD PROMISES TO BE
CLOSE TO THOSE WHO ARE BROKENHEARTED (PSALM 34:8: HOLY
BIBLE).
>THANKS FOR STAYING WITH US ON TIME FOR HOPE. I'M TALKING WITH
JENNIFER CISNEY AND SANDRA DOPF ABOUT THEIR BOOK THEY HAVE
CO-AUTHORED TITLED EMERGE VICTORIOUS. AND I LIKE THE WORD
VICTORIOUS. YOU KNOW, IN REVELATION YOU FIND THAT WORD A
LOT THOSE THAT ARE VICTORIOUS OVERCOMING, BEING OVERCOMERS AND
THE WORD EMERGE IS JUST, I DON'T KNOW WHO HELPED YOU NAME IT, IT
WAS PROBABLY YOU TWO. YOU DID A REALLY GOOD JOB WITH THE TITLE.
I BELIEVE IT WAS JENNIFER THAT I READ WHERE SHE SAID THAT YOU
HAVE TO FACE INTO YOUR PAIN AND LOOK FOR MESSAGES IN THE
SUFFERING. AND OF COURSE YOU KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH THAT, YOU
KNOW WHERE I STAND ON PAIN AND SUFFERING AND AS IT WERE
EMBRACING IT AND GOING WITH THE CURRENT OF IT. AND MANY CLIENTS,
MANY CLIENTS WHEN I WAS FULL TIME CLINICALLY, I WOULD SAY TO
THEM IT IS WHAT IT IS, IT HAS HAPPENED, WHATEVER WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT AND THAT'S WHY I SAY SO MUCH IN YOUR BOOK CAN GO
INTO OTHER SITUATIONS. DON'T LET IT PASS WITHOUT DRAINING IT DRY.
IT'S GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU, IT'S GOT A GIFT. ACTUALLY C.S. LEWIS
SAID THAT, HE SAID THAT WHEN WE GO THROUGH A JOURNEY OF PAIN
THAT IT IS A GIFT. AND I'VE ADDED TO THAT AND SAID BUT IT'S
WRAPPED UP AND WE REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THE GIFT BOX OR
WHATEVER. BUT GOD WOULD NOT ALLOW IT OR ORDER IT. HE DOES,
ONE OF TWO THINGS, HE ALLOWS IT OR ORDERS IT IF HE DID NOT
INTEND FOR US TO GET PURPOSE AND MEANING AND BE TRANSFORMED AS
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT IN YOUR BOOK THROUGH IT. BUT TO DO THAT
WITH THE GRIEF THAT YOU HAVE, AND WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT A
WHOLE LOT, THE GRIEF THAT GOES WITH THE LOSS OF DREAMS, THE
LOSS OF THE DEATH OF YOUR MARRIAGE, TO GET THROUGH IT AND
I'M SURE YOU TWO TEACH THIS AS YOU PRESENT TO WOMEN THAT YOU'VE
GOT TO FEEL THE PAIN. YOU'VE GOT TO AS YOU SAY FACE IT, GET INTO
IT, FEEL IT. I'LL LET YOU PICK IT UP THERE.
>FREDA, I THINK THE BIGGEST MISTAKE THAT ANYBODY CAN MAKE,
MALE OR FEMALE WHEN THEY GO THROUGH A DIVORCE IS NOT TAKING
THAT TIME TO FACE INTO THE PAIN, TO LOOK AT WHAT WENT WRONG, THE
BROKENNESS THAT YOU FEEL. IT IS, IT IS VERY PAINFUL, BUT A LOT OF
PEOPLE WANT TO TAKE THAT GIFT STILL WRAPPED UNTOUCHED AND
SHOVE IT IN THE BACK OF A CLOSET AND SAY THAT'S NOT A GIFT I WANT
TO OPEN, LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. THAT LEADS TO THESE
MISTAKES, JUMPING TOO QUICKLY INTO OTHER RELATIONSHIPS, INTO
MARRIAGES OR ADDICTIONS, DEPRESSION, THINGS WHERE YOU'RE
TRYING SO HARD TO PUSH THAT PAIN DOWN AND NOT LOOK AT IT THAT YOU
END UP IN A WORSE SITUATION. AND THE TRUTH IS THAT PAIN CAN BE A
GIFT, IT'S NOT A GIFT..... IT IS. IT'S NOT A GIFT THAT ANY OF
US ARE EXCITED ABOUT. LIKE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, YOU DON'T
WANT THAT GIFT UNDER YOUR TREE, BUT THE GIFT IS THAT PAIN HAS A
LOT TO TEACH US. IT HAS A LOT TO SAY ABOUT OURSELVES, AND AS
SANDRA POINTED OUT THERE'S NOTHING IN OUR BOOK THAT SAYS
YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SPOUSE DID TO YOU AND LOOK AT
WHAT A VICTIM YOU ARE. WE TALK ABOUT LOOKING AT YOURSELF. AND
PART OF WHAT YOU'LL HAVE TO DO IN FACING INTO THAT PAIN IS LOOK
AT SOME OF YOUR OWN CHOICES AND MISTAKES, BUT AS A PART OF THAT
GOD WILL HONOR IF YOU DO THAT. IF YOU CONFESS YOUR SINS TO HIM,
BUT ALSO LOOK TO HIM FOR UNDERSTANDING. HOW DID I GET
HERE LORD, HOW DID MY LIFE GET TO THIS PLACE? AND THAT CAN BE A
PAINFUL JOURNEY TO LOOK AT THAT.
> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WHEN I'M PRAYING AND TALKING TO THE
LORD LIKE THAT? SHOW ME, MY HEART IS OPEN, I'M WILLING TO
SEE IT, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE ME THE GRACE ALONG WITH
YOUR SHOWING ME THE TRUTH OR THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION.
>I WANT TO ADD TO THAT TOO AS I WAS STEPPING INTO THE PAIN BUT
GETTING STUCK IN THE PAIN AND GETTING STUCK IN THE DIVORCE
STORY.
>YES, AND THAT'S THE OTHER EXTREME THAT SOME PEOPLE GET
STUCK AND ALL THEY WANT TO TALK ABOUT, ALL THEY WANT TO THINK
ABOUT IS BEING A VICTIM OR HAVING A PITY PARTY ALL BUT TIME
OR BLAMING THEIR SPOUSE. I DO THINK JENNIFER, AND I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU WILL AGREE WITH ME ON THAT, ALONG WITH LOOKING AT
OURSELVES AND DEALING WITH BEING HONEST, GETTING HONEST, ASKING
THE LORD SHOW ME THE TRUTH ABOUT ME AND MY INWARD PARTS, THE
PSALMIST PRAYED THAT THAT WE OUGHT TO GIVE OURSELVES TIME
ALSO TO BE REALISTIC ABOUT THE PAIN THAT WE EXPERIENCED IN THE
MARRIAGE AND WHAT WAS AS IT WERE INFLICTED. WE COULD HAVE ALLOWED
IT; WE COULD HAVE BEEN RESPONSIBLE AND ALLOWED IT. IT
COULD BE WE DIDN'T SET APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES. WE STILL
HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT TRUTH. BUT TO HAVE BEEN TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF
OR EMERGED OUT OF A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP OR SOMETHING LIKE
THAT, I THINK HEALING DOES INVOLVE LOOKING AT THE TRUTH OF
WHAT WENT ON IN THAT MARRIAGE NO MATTER WHO DID IT OR DIDN'T DO
IT.
>ABSOLUTELY. AND LIKE YOU SAID THAT THERE ARE MANY WOMEN, AND
EVEN SANDRA AND I HAVE WE HAVE STORIES THAT IF YOU JUST LOOK AT
THAT PART, YEAH OUR HUSBANDS HAD SO MANY PROBLEMS. WE BOTH HAD
HUSBANDS WITH ADDICTIONS, ALCOHOLISM. BUT AT THE SAME
TIME, WHAT I WANT PEOPLE LIKE YOU SAID, YOU LOOK AT THAT AND
YOU ACKNOWLEDGE, WHAT WAS DONE TO YOU AND WHAT WAS WRONG, HOW
YOU WERE WRONGED. BUT YOU CAN'T STAY IN THAT PLACE OR FOCUS ON
IT, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT PERSON.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
>AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE WHAT HAS HAPPENED, EITHER.
>YOU CAN'T, AND I THINK FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS IN THAT
AND THE FIRST PART OF THAT JOURNEY IS LOOKING AT WHAT WAS
DONE TO YOU AND THEN WITH THE HELP OF GOD, MAYBE A COUNSELOR
OR A COACH, OR A GOOD FRIEND TO SAY I NEED TO GET THROUGH A
FORGIVENESS PROCESS SO THEN I CAN THEN LET GO OF WHAT WAS DONE
TO ME AND LOOK FORWARD, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT YOU
CAN CHANGE.
>THERE'S A TIME THAT WE SIT IN OUR ASHES, AND THERE IS A TIME
OF THE GRIEVING. AND THEN THERE IS A TIME TO GET UP OUT OF YOUR
ASHES.
>THERE IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING; YOU'VE GOT THAT IN YOUR BOOK, A
TIME TO MOURN, A TIME TO DANCE. AND SO YOU HAVE LAID OUT IN YOUR
BOOK YOUR TIMES OF MOURNING AS IT WERE. AND ACTUALLY YOUR BOOK
IS MORE FOCUSED ON THE DANCING.
>WE PURPOSELY DID THAT. WE DIDN'T DO AS MUCH WITH THE
GRIEVING STAGE, BECAUSE WE THINK THERE ARE SOME INCREDIBLY GOOD
WORK OUT THERE ON THE GRIEVING STAGE. WHAT WE WERE LOOKING AT
IS AFTER THE DIVORCE, IT'S HAPPENED THE EARLY STAGES, NOW
TO GET UP AND MOVE TOWARD....
> AND THAT'S WHERE WE'RE MOVING FOR NEXT WEEK. NEXT WEEK WE'RE
GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT EMERGING VICTORIOUSLY.
>AND A TRANSFORMATION.
>AND A TRANSFORMATION. I LOVE YOUR IDEA OF INTENTIONAL LIVING,
LEARNING TO LIVE LIFE INTENTIONALLY ON A DAILY, ON A
MOMENT DAILY BASIS AND WE'RE GOING TO BE MOVING IN THAT
DIRECTION WITH A GAME PLAN. AND YOU HAVE THEM; YOU'VE LAID IT
OUT IN YOUR BOOK FOR NEXT WEEK. SO I APPRECIATE YOU LADIES BEING
HERE AND IF YOU'LL JUST SIT STILL AND LET ME SAY A FEW WORDS
TO OUR VIEWERS WE'LL PICK UP WITH NEXT WEEK'S PART OF YOUR
BOOK. AND I DO HAVE SOMETHING TO SHARE WITH YOU FROM A VIEWER.
>
>
> AND WE CERTAINLY HOPE NEXT WEEK, THAT WE HAVE SOME ANSWERS
THAT THESE WOMEN HAVE LEARNED FROM THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES OR
SOME DIRECTIONS TO GIVE OUT FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT WOULD FIT INTO
THIS PRAYER REQUEST. WE HAVE TAKEN THIS PRAYER REQUEST TO OUR
HEAVENLY FATHER. WE DO IT HERE, EVEN OUR STAFF AS A WHOLE AND WE
KNOW THAT HE IS ABLE TO INTERVENE AND THAT HE IS ABLE TO
HELP YOU AND WHOEVER YOU MIGHT BE MOVE FORWARD IN THIS PROCESS
SO THAT YOU DON'T STAY STUCK IN THIS REMORSE. GOD COULD HAVE
GREAT THINGS IN STORE FOR YOU, AND IT'S PROBABLY TIME FOR YOU
TO START LOOKING IN THAT DIRECTION AND WE'RE GOING TO
GIVE YOU SOME DIRECTIONS NEXT WEEK. IF YOU HAVEN'T SHARED YOUR
PRAYER REQUESTS WITH US, I CERTAINLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO
THAT, BECAUSE WE DO RECOGNIZE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM
BEFORE THE LORD. AND THEN I HAVE A NOTE OF APPRECIATION FOR TIME
FOR HOPE.
>
>
>WE REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE KNOWING THAT.
>
> AND THAT'S WHAT OUR MISSION IS, THAT'S WHAT OUR VISION IS
AND YOU JUST REALLY ENCOURAGE US WHEN YOU SEND A NOTE OF
ENCOURAGEMENT LIKE THAT. SO WE LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR JOINING US
AGAIN NEXT WEEK AS WE TAKE UP WITH MY TWO GUESTS THEIR BOOK
EMERGE VICTORIOUS, A WOMAN'S TRANSFORMATIONAL GUIDE AFTER HER
DIVORCE.
TO ORDER OUR RESOURCES, FOLLOW THE ORDER INFO ON THE SCREEN. .
. . .