Subscriber Non-Sexual Massage World Tour & Christian Finnegan LIVE - 6/6/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 06.06.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Happy 50th show anniversary to us.
And you.
High five.

Hey, everyone.
I'm MC Hammer.
Want me to prove it?
Stop, playlist time.
Seriously, if you are watching today's episode on demand,
treat yourself and click this annotation right here
above my five head.
You can watch the show in playlist format, in higher
quality, and it's just better.
I'm trying to help you.
Why won't you let me help you?
Click it.
OK?
OK, look.
I lied before.
I'm not MC Hammer.
I'm Beth Hoyt, and this is My Damn Channel LIVE.
It's Wednesday, the big show, and that means video premieres
and a special guest--
Christian Finnegan is here.
We're going to make something fun to give him and have a
little chat.
And he's also going to be responding to comments and
tweets later.
So send those in.
Right now it's time for a My Damn
Channel original premiere.
In the lead role we've got Donnie Hoyle.
His co-star is Photoshop skills.
Now, are they partners in crime or are they enemies?
Batman and Robin or Batman and the Joker?
Should I just never have made this comparison?
Stop--
stop doing it now, Beth?
You decide while you watch a new episode
of You Suck at Photoshop.

DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): My name is Donnie, and you suck
at Photoshop.
And I--
there's a really good chance that you won't understand a
single thing that I tell you in this lesson.
So maybe just turn your sound down and put on some Kesha.
Or whatever you listen to make yourself feel smarter.
We use Photoshop for work.
And I use Photoshop for work.
You empty blood sacks at the hospital, but you aspire to
use Photoshop for work.
And so we need to learn how to move quickly
because time is money.
And I'm going to show you a tip to move quickly.
Let's say you are in the grand bazaar in Istanbul and you're
working to save money to--
to acquire undocumented passage into the West.
And you have taken up with a rug dealer named Khalis who on
the side is selling bootleg porn parody movies on VHS.
You're not really quite sure how it all works, but you're
photoshopping covers for these movies.
But we have to change the title so frequently that we
want to make sure that we can save our time.
So I'm going to show you something that is--
how's that Kesha song?
Because you're really--
this is going to break your mind.
Use the Text tool, create a text box, and enter the title
of this movie.
And what we're going to do is we don't ever want to have to
type that title again.
Well, maybe just a couple more times.
Let's give this a drop shadow, make it pop.
I know it's moving fast.
Hang on.
Hold onto your photo pants.
Now, what we want to do is use variables to
capture this title.
So go to Image, Variables, Define.
And we're on this layer.
And we're going to click Text Replacement and type in Title.
We're going to call this the title.
And now go back up to Image, Variables, Data Sets.
And click this button, which will create a new data set
based on what you just did there.
And every time we make a change to the title here,
it'll change down there.
See how that works?
So what we want to do is--
let's duplicate this layer.
Because when people come into Khalis' rug thing and they
want to buy a rug-- and then somehow, for some reason they
want to buy Skinemax-level porn, vampire porn.
And if the tapes are stacked sideways, they'll want to be
able to read the title there as well.
So on this layer that we just copied, go back up to Image,
Variables, Define, and select Title from this drop down.
So now this is also going to reflect the title.
So that when Khalis calls us up-- and he will because he
always does--
we can change the title.
And so he'll likely change it and we want to be
prepared to do so.

We can do it in one place and it changes everywhere.
And we only have to type it once.
In the same spirit of expeditiousness, we can also
capture the style of the text by going to the Character
Styles drop down, Create a New Style.
And we can control the look and feel of
the text from here.
And we can assign a style to certain text so that we can go
back and change it.
So let's select the text on our spine.

Assign it to that style.
And now when we go in and change the style, we can
control all of the text that it applies to.
Great job.
Shadongs got cut off because it got larger
when the type changed.
And that happens occasionally, even to vampires.
Let's change that back.
That's awful.
Something that you would make.
And we definitely don't ever want to represent
ourselves that way.
Styles can give us flexibility as we create
additional text elements.
For instance, perhaps as we've been creating these videos,
we've been ensuring that we do double duty with the money
that we're making to additionally create grief for
people that deserve it.
And perhaps those people are the types of people who maybe
have let their hell-spawn change our lives.
Have taken our wives, who we are determined to take back.
And for better or for worse, have made life
miserable for us.
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Are you Ricky Cox?
DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): No.
My name is Donnie Hoyle.
MAN (OFFSCREEN): [LAUGHTER].
Exactly who I am looking for.
[PUNCH]
DONNIE HOYLE (OFFSCREEN): Ah.
[CRASHING SOUND]

BETH HOYT: What--
what just happened?
Who attacked Donnie?
Will he be OK?
You're just going to have to wait to find out.
If you need your Photoshop fix and you cannot wait, might I
suggest going to mydamnchannel.com and watching
the first two seasons?
Because they are crazy and they are awesome.
Or, as I like to say, crawesome.
Why hasn't that taken off yet?
What more can I do besides spoon feed you new isms?
OK, you guys.
Remember, Christian will be with us soon.
So ask your questions in the comments ASAP.
So last week I promised a non-sexual massage.
That's my way of making it very non-sexual.
I promise a non-sexual massage to anyone who subscribed to
our YouTube channel.
And I was just thrilled/frightened, really
delighted though, that so many people took me on my offer.
It was fun.
I had to do a lot of traveling to satisfy all of you.
I started off by taking care of maxmotives101 because he
wrote, "I'm subscribed!
Come to my house first." So I went there.
And then I hit up the rest of North
America and the big three.
Strong showing, you see, in Canada, US, and Mexico.
Shot down to South America.
We got viewers in Brazil and Argentina.
Not bad.
Could go better.
Come on, South America.
But check this out, we got Europe on lock down.
Damn, I am a sensation.
Frenchhornlova asked, "Do I get a sexual massage for being
a subscriber before today?
JKJK." Oh, with this face, the XD is this I'm told--
Sadly, no.
But Frenchlornhova, he did get a long,
friendly, lingering hug.
On to Africa, we got South Africa.
We got the tip.
We're working our way North.
Thanks to jazoj.
Then to Asia.
Nice, Israel in the house.
Lebanon, Iran, and Syria, you going to let Israel
punk you like that?
Australia was watching.
And don't sleep on New Zealand.
TheNZJester wrote, "Would it count if I unsubscribed and
then subscribed again for the free massage?
The fare to fly all the way to New Zealand won't cost much if
you book an economy fare!
I will chip in by supplying the massage oil and the
table." And then this face, which is--

Listen, I appreciate his enthusiasm.
And did he have some tight shoulders.
Wow.
So luckily TheNZJester
understood what I was offering.
But a bunch of you guys really seemed to think something more
was going to happen between us.
Do I send confusing signals?
Like, OK, I had this interview with Steve Rannazzisi from My
Damn Channel's Daddy Knows Best.
I'm going to show you guys.
And then, tell me if you're like-- are you on Steve's side
or are you on my side?
Because I think I'm pretty clear.
OK, just watch it.

-Hey, it's me.
I'm here to do the My Damn Channel LIVE interview and the
address says some brownstone in Carroll Gardens.
I don't know.
Is this right?
Can you give me a call back when you get a chance?
Thanks.
[BUZZING]
-Steve.
-Hey, Beth.
-Please come in.
-I'm so sorry I'm late.
-Don't apologize.
-I didn't know if this was the right place.
-Don't be sorry.
Please, just come in.

So good to see you.
So help yourself to anything you'd like.
-Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
-I mean, seriously--
anything you want.
-OK.
-I'm just finishing getting dressed.

-Hey, you have to call me back.
Did you tell this woman that I'm married?
The host has lured me to her apartment.
She's got wine and candles.
She's all over me.
BETH HOYT (OFFSCREEN): Steve.
-All right, I got to call.
Call me back.
Yeah?
-I'm ready for you.
-Um, is this where we're doing the interview?
-No.
Silly, this is the green room.
-Thought this was a kitchen.
-Ha, ha!
You're so funny.
No, it's this way.
Come on.

-Is this your normal studio?
-No.
Nope, this is just special for you.
I wanted to be a little more intimate.
-Thank you.
So where's the crew?
-Don't worry about the crew.
You can just focus on me.
-So no cameras?
-There are definitely cameras.

So tell me something about yourself.

-Well, I'm married.
That would be the number one thing I would say that anyone
would know about me, that I'm happily married.
She's awesome.
So married and have two kids.
They're always around.
-Yeah?
I've seen you be a daddy.
I've seen you be a daddy on Daddy Knows Best.
You're really good at it.
You're also really good at being bad.

-Just an actor playing a part.
-You're a bad daddy.
Yep.
Actually, I think we should just get started.
How do you feel about that?
You want to just get started?
I think we should just probably--
-No, no.
OK OK.
You know what?
I'm sorry.
Ew, it's that time where I have to go because I have
something else.
Yeah.
It's so important.
I got to go.
Sorry.

-Just trying to put this under his shirt.
-What the heck, we barely got anything?
What is that dude's problem?
-I was just trying to mic him up and he freaked out.
-I guess we'll just do it live in the studio then.
-I cleaned my apartment.

BETH HOYT: You guys, we're totally cool now.
He apologized.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to accept his apology.
So--
OK, Christian Finnegan will be here shortly.
Get those questions into us via the comments.
And I wanted to make something for Christian
as a welcoming gift.
So I asked on my Tumblr if you guys had any ideas.
And I just got the sweetest email back from these two
sisters who specialize in fun, crafty projects.
So we decided to bring them in today to
show us how it's done.
Please welcome Agnes and Millicent
Blackwraith to the show.
Thanks for coming, you guys.
SISTERS: You are welcome.
BETH HOYT: So now which one's Agnes
and which one's Millicent?
SISTERS: She is Agnes and I am Millicent.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Great.
Now, what's your guys' story?
AGNES: Our father was a sea captain who didn't have time
to play with us.
BETH HOYT: Oh, that's too bad.
And your mother?
MILLICENT: She died.
BETH HOYT: Oh, gosh.
At least you guys have each other.
That's great.
OK, so what are we doing today?
What are we making?
AGNES: A doll.
MILLICENT: A very special doll.
[LAUGHTER]
BETH HOYT: It sounds like fun.
Christian's going to love that.
So now, this doll, it looks pretty done.
You OK?
AGNES: Doll has been made.
MILLICENT: But not completed.
BETH HOYT: OK.
SISTERS: Beth must complete the doll.
BETH HOYT: Me?
That's fun.
OK.
So um, how do we complete it?
SISTERS: You pin the face.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
Oh, it's Christian face.
Look it.
So it's going to be a Christian doll.
SISTERS: Pin the face.
Pin the face.
BETH HOYT: OK.
SISTERS: Pin the face.
BETH HOYT: Gosh, doing it.
All right.
SISTERS: Pin the face.
BETH HOYT: Got it.
OK.
Look, it's a Christian doll.
Oh.
AGNES: Now for the long needle.
MILLICENT: They hold the doll together.
[LAUGHTER]
BETH HOYT: Oh, I see them.
OK.
Just stick them in wherever?
MILLICENT: In the neck.
AGNES: In the groin.
SISTERS: Neck and groin.
Neck and groin.
BETH HOYT: Got you.
OK.
SISTERS: Neck and groin.
BETH HOYT: Sticking them right in there.
And then the groin is the next place?
MILLICENT: Get the groin.
AGNES: Groin and neck.
BETH HOYT: Oh, you really have to stick in.
They're tough.
OK, we got it.
Look at that.
All right, the doll seems pretty secure.
I think we're done.
SISTERS: Not quite.

BETH HOYT: OK.
Oh, gosh.
Wow.
I don't think Chris--
I think the doll looks pretty good.
MILLICENT: Almost done.
Almost done.
BETH HOYT: I think it's fine.
AGNES: Assistance.
BETH HOYT: I think it's fine.
I think the doll looks fine.
You know what?
There's a big old slice in that leg there.
MILLICENT: It's an accent.
BETH HOYT: I don't think Christian's going
to like that part.
SISTERS: The doll gets what the doll deserves.
BETH HOYT: Great.
OK, well, I think-- thank you so much for coming and sharing
your craft with us.
AGNES: We will stay.
BETH HOYT: Actually, you know what?
Because Christian's going to stand here.
So that's fine.
Thank you for coming.
SISTERS: We will stay.
MILLICENT: And watch.
AGNES: We're always watching.
[LAUGHTER]
BETH HOYT: That sounds like fun.
That will be fun, you guys.
The more the merrier.
So Christian Finnegan will be here in just a minute.
Last chance to send those comments.
But first, it's another My Damn
Channel original premiere.
And I'm going to show this one--
I think you guys are going to like this.
It's from Co-op of the Damned.
It's so funny, you guys.
You're going to love it.
It's called
"Kiddie Killer." [THUNDER]
-Daddy!
Daddy, I'm scared.

-Ha!
-Ah!
-Surprise [BLEEP].
-You can talk?
Cute.
-Oh, put me down, god [BLEEP].
I'm going to kill you.
-Who are you?
-Before I was murdered and trapped in this infernal toy,
they called me the "Kiddie Killer."
-What's your real name?
-Oh, what the [BLEEP]
do you care?
-No, tell me, tell me, tell me.
-It's Percy Snuggleface.
-Percy Snuggleface?
Cute!
-Oh, let me go.
Oh, you stupid [BLEEP].

You'll soon feel the fires of hell, little girl.
-One or two crumpets, Mr. Snuggleface?
-When I was in hell, I was trapped in a pit of [BLEEP]
as thick as molasses.
-Molasses?
Yum.
-No.
It sucked [BLEEP]
balls.
All the little girls I gutted surrounded me, taunting me
with their childish games.
-Games?
Fun!
-No.
The games were not fun.
The only game I think is fun is murder.
-Ooh.
Can I play too?

-Let me go, so I can chop you up into little pieces and eat
you.
-I want to chop you up into little pieces and eat you.
-[BLEEP].

[BLEEP]
this.
[BLEEP].
Hey, can you help me lift this god [BLEEP]
hatchet?
-It's time for more lipstick, Mrs. Snuggleface.
-It's Mr. Snuggleface.
I mean, Kiddie Killer.
I mean, I'm going to [BLEEP]
kill you.
-But you're my best friend.
-Oh, come here, you [BLEEP].
-Tickle.
-[BLEEP].
[BLEEP].
-I love you, Mr. Snuggleface.
-Um, I love you, too.

BETH HOYT: Hey, you guys.
Christian Finnegan's here.
He's here.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Can I just-- who are--
BETH HOYT: Oh, that's Agnes and Millicent.
They wanted to stay and hang out.
And they helped me make you this gift.
Look, it's a Christian Finnegan doll.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Oh, wow.
Look at all the needles sticking out
of my neck and groin.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
It's so that the doll stays together.
So it holds it together.
[LAUGHTER]
BETH HOYT: We had fun.
We had fun.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: That's attractive.
Beth, I'm not sure if you know, these girls have made a
voodoo doll.
BETH HOYT: Oh, no.
Because it's a--
oh, I see how you--
OK, girls?
Hey, girls?
Can you come here?
Sorry.

Sorry, Christian.
Is this a voodoo doll?
Are you trying to kill Christian?
SISTERS: Yes.
BETH HOYT: Why would you do that?
AGNES: We saw him at Yuk Yuk's and waited for an autograph
after the show.
But he never came.
MILLICENT: He must pay.
AGNES: Pay.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: So that's it?
I could make that up to you right now.
I have a head shot right here.
BETH HOYT: That's a great shot.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm sorry.
Which one of you is Millicent and which one of you is Agnes?
SISTERS: She is Millicent and I am Agnes.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm just going to do one of them for
both of them.
I think it's probably best.
All right--
BFF for eva.
That's E-V-A.
AGNES: Forever.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Love, Eugene Mirman.
SISTERS: Love.
BETH HOYT: So nice.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: There we go.
BETH HOYT: Cute.
See, isn't that better than killing him?
SISTERS: No.

BETH HOYT: Well--
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Well, if you're going to kill me, can
you guys just wait until after this weekend because I'm
headlining six shows at the Miami Improv, and it's going
to be a blast.
That's miamiimprov.com @miaimprov.
There's no reason for you guys to ruin the fun for everyone.
SISTERS: Fine.
We'll wait.
BETH HOYT: Gosh.
Cute fans.
Am I right?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I love their enthusiasm.
BETH HOYT: Seriously.
OK, we're going to be back in a second to have a proper talk
with Christian before he dies.
But first, it's a My Damn Channel original comedy video.
This one stars Dan St. Germain, as well as a certain
fellow standing to my left.
It's you.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Me.
BETH HOYT: All right, it's Kicking Dan Out.

-Hey, what's going on, roommates?
-Dan, can you sit down?
-Holy shit.
Is this an intervention?
-No.
-Give me a second.
Give me a second.
I had to smoke crack to suck dick.
Other way around.
I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
You guys put me on the spot here.
TIM (OFFSCREEN): Dan.
THEME SONG: Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan ow-ow-out.
-We're kicking you out.
-No, it's cool.
I'm totally addicted to hydrocodone.
-It's not just because you're a drug addict.
-What else?
-You haven't paid rent in three months.
-Well, that's fucking Lehman Brothers' fault.
If they hadn't collapsed, and I hadn't lost my job--
-You were a janitor, and they fired you way before the
crash.
-Because I saw it coming.
-I think it was because you called a woman in a
wheelchair a [BLEEP].
-She was being a [BLEEP].
What, if you're handicapped, you're not
allowed to be a [BLEEP]?
That seems pretty narrow-minded, Jill.
-You're such a bad person.
-John, how about you?
-No.
You-- you tried to fuck my girlfriend
when she came to visit.
-I was just giving her a whore test, man.
For you.
Turns out she's just really stuck up.
-I'll help you pack, even though I'm pretty sure all you
have is a book on flipping houses and a Bud Light T-shirt
that says, "Beware of
Penguins." -Oh, OK.
Not all of us have fancy dress shirts or Blu-ray or medicine
or Google, Todd.
-It's Tim.
-Tim, Todd, whatever.
I've been kicked out of four places this year.
Four.
And that's not even counting the time I got thrown out of
Lady Foot Locker for eating a muffin.
This place is great.
There's no water that leaks on me.
And bugs.
And I'm not having that dream where I'm driving a bus and
we're trying to get the kids to heaven.
But the kids don't know they're dead, so I've got to
tell them they're dead.
And we're so close to the park.
-I'm sorry.
-My dad treats me like shit.
I got a weird body.
-Yeah, we're done.
-I just want you guys to know, you were never second best.
-Thanks, Dan.
-Hey, Jill?
-Yeah?
-Fuck you.
I was talking about the guys.

-You're going to take that cat, right?
-He's been dead for three days.

THEME SONG: Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan ow-ow-out.

BETH HOYT: Hey, we're back.
How about a proper intro for this guy over here?
You know him from his Comedy Central specials, from Vh1's
Best Week Ever.
He's super funny.
We're thrilled he's with us.
Christian Finnegan, you guys.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm thrilled to be here, Beth.
BETH HOYT: Oh, gosh.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Thank you for having me.
BETH HOYT: You nailed it in that.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I felt pretty good.
I made up all of those lines on the spot.
BETH HOYT: Really?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm that good.
That's what's so crazy.
BETH HOYT: Fantastic.
OK, so let's make this up now.
OK, you're-- so you've been really busy.
You're on the road.
That's what you're doing right now, is your comedy routine
all over that road.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Who are you, my aunt?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I am.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: You do your comedy skits?
BETH HOYT: That's my aunt voice.
Although, I call it an ant.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Well, it is the Wisconsin.
You know what?
My wife gives me crap about that.
Oh, my aunt.
Ew.
That's just what they say in Massachusetts.
BETH HOYT: She says ant too?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: No, she says ant.
Yeah, she says only New England snobby
dick bags say aunt.
But that's what I am, a snobby New England dick bag.
BETH HOYT: Gosh.
Yep.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: You know me.
BETH HOYT: That's what you are.
OK, and that's it for our interview with Christian.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Yes.
I travel this great nation bringing laughter to dozens.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Do you like being on the road?
Do you like traveling?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: It Depends on the city.
I'm going to Miami tonight which is, I guess,
fun if it's not June.
I'm not really a party clubber kind of dude.
So Miami--
you get a lot of dudes who wear sunglasses in the
showroom, which is always like, oh, you seem like a
really light-hearted, fun fellow.
I expect to see a lot of Ed Hardy this weekend, a lot of
Affliction.
TapouT.
I don't even know that--
BETH HOYT: What is that?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I think that's another one of those
like MMA, like meat head sort of mookie shirts.
I just always see that.
And it's always on somebody who I hate or just I'd want to
push my own head into a toilet.
BETH HOYT: A not friend sign.
You're like, oh, I know who I'm not friends with.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Exactly.
It's sort of like in the comic books when you
see the super villain.
Oh, you're wearing a metal steel mask and a cape.
You're probably a bad person.
It's like I see an Affliction T-shirt.
I'm like, oh, OK.
You are not to be spoken with.
BETH HOYT: It's a good way to get around, just have everyone
highlight it for you.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Just saves people time.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, Miami lays it out for you real good.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I am insulting it.
You know, Florida, in general, it's underratedly crappy.
It really is.
People think it's so glamorous because all the TV shows in
Florida are like--
Miami Vice is like that.
There's only one show about the rest of Florida.
It's called COPS.
That's sort of a joke.
I just did a joke.
I'm sorry.
I said I wasn't going to do a joke.
I did a joke.
It was pretty good, too.
BETH HOYT: That's what we are paid to do.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: You get paid?
BETH HOYT: You didn't get your check?
Oh, gosh.
We'll get right on that.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm getting paid.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I'm sorry.
Your payment is this doll.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Oh, I get paid in dolls.
Thank you for making me blond and not increasingly gray as
is actually true.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I love gray hair.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Do you?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I saw your interview.
Don't fool me.
I saw your Steve Rannazzisi interview.
BETH HOYT: Oh, no.
I really do.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: It's whatever.
Better that than bald I think.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Sorry, baldies.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Sorry, baldies.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Sucks to be you.
BETH HOYT: Definitely low on the--
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Losers.
Bad people as well.
BETH HOYT: And this has been--
We Love People with Beth and Christian.
We're friendly to all kinds--
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I made this dark.
BETH HOYT: I think I did it.
I might have led us there.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: No.
You're a Wisconsin girl.
You're sweet.
You're sunshine and light.
BETH HOYT: I bleed sweetness.
Yeah.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: That's true.
Cut you, do you not bleed?
BETH HOYT: It's delicious.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: No, it's like citrus.
BETH HOYT: Oh, True Blood intro.
What's happening?
That's what I do with everything, is just bring up
True Blood.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Just to bring up True Blood?
That's a weird go-to thing.
BETH HOYT: That's what I do.
It's what I do.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I bring up the MacNeil/Lehrer Hour
because-- that's a TV show that doesn't exist anymore.
BETH HOYT: It's a big hit for most of our fans.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I think your demo is really
MacNeil/Lehrer.
Should I bring up anything else?
BETH HOYT: Yes.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Hill Street Blues?
BETH HOYT: Your comedy CD.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Yeah.
I have a-- well, two.
BETH HOYT: This is what you should check out.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Two, actually.
But one is a DVD.
The most recent one is called Au Contraire!
BETH HOYT: So funny.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: It is.
It has moments.
BETH HOYT: Oh, come on.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: No, it's good.
It's very good.
And it's on iTunes and all that crap.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
At christianfinnegan.com?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Christianfinnegan.com.
Who goes to websites anymore?
Twitter or Facebook.
@christfinnegan And you know, facebook/christfinnegan.
BETH HOYT: Gosh.
All right, we'll be back in a second to do more internet
Q&As with you guys.
So get your questions and your comments into us now.
But first it's the internet's shortest television series.
Here's The Jon Friedman Internet Program
with Nicolas Cage.

THEME SONG: It's The Jon Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.
[MODEM CONNECTING]
-OK, sure.
THEME SONG: It's The Jon Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.

BETH HOYT: We're back.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: That felt a little long to me.
Felt like it could have been just a little
bit cut out, I think.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Let it breathe a little bit.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Tighten it up, Friedman.
BETH HOYT: That's the note.
We're back and it's time to take your questions.
First we have a tweet, and it is from JDentel.
"Who are your top three stand up comedians?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Well, the Beth Hoyt.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Number one.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Numero uno, of course.
BETH HOYT: Oh, because you could be counting down.
I'll take it.
I'm in the top three, guys.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, let's not get picky here.
So Beth Hoyt, of course.
I would honestly say--
I mean, it feels so lame saying Louis CK at this point.
It's almost like saying I like beer.
Like, it's obvious that beer is awesome.
Unless you're underage, in which case it's not.
Dave Chappelle will always be one of my favorites.
Todd Barry probably my other-- third favorite.
BETH HOYT: Those are up there for me, too.
Next tweet is from jkeymaginnis.
I totally nailed that. "Do you live near--" OK, what?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I think it's Maginnis.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say Maginnis.
BETH HOYT: Maginnis.
Anyway, "Do you live near Astoria?
And if so, do you frequent 5 Napkin Burger?"
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm going to go out on a limb and assume
that this is someone who has seen me in my laundry wear
eating at 5 Napkin Burger.
BETH HOYT: What's your laundry wear look like?
Oh, it's like when everything is being laundered?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Yeah.
Like my schlub wear.
BETH HOYT: Because sometimes the left over laundry wear is
your fancy outfit.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: That is true.
Yeah, it's tails and a coon skin cap.
BETH HOYT: This is the only thing I haven't worn in a
while that doesn't need washing.
Anyway--
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I don't know.
Yes, I do.
I do live in Astoria, and I do eat at 5
Napkin Burger over there.
We go for the happy hour.
$2 sliders.
What, am I doing an ad for them all of a sudden?
In Astoria, where I live, there are not too many
restaurants.
It's like 5 Napkin Burger or Crapplebees.
And so 5 Napkin Burger wins.
It's quite tasty and delicious.
See you in Queens, guys.
BETH HOYT: So that's where you can see Christian.
We have a comment now from YouTube and
this is from Chino7762.
"Were you really born on April 1, or is that a joke?"
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I was born on April 1.
BETH HOYT: Zing.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: And it would be a pretty lame joke--
BETH HOYT: Be pretty early.
Pretty early start for you.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Oh, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Oh, wait.
No, it was an early start.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I was hilarious out of the womb.
I was due in mid-March.
And I was like, no, no, wait for it.
Wait for it.
It's going to be good.
It's going to be good.
No, I am born April 1, 1994.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
Gosh, just made it here.
Not being able to drive.
Yeah, that's true.
True facts.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: When's your birthday?
BETH HOYT: Soon.
June 18.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: June 18?
BETH HOYT: Yep.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: And how old will you will, Beth?
BETH HOYT: I will be 14 and 1/2.
Now we have a video question.
This is new.
We have a video question from--
SISTERS: Have you ever worked with one of your idols?
And how did you handle it?
BETH HOYT: OK.
So--
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: That's weird.
BETH HOYT: It's coming from in the studio.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Very strange.
Wow.
Ethereal beings.
Well, have I worked with them?
I have actually--
I've been lucky.
Last year I was on this TBS show called, Are We There Yet?
And there was a bunch of episodes that we shot but that
haven't aired yet.
And I got to work with every TV star from the '70s, '80s,
and '90s that you would have grown up watching.
They all came in and did guest spots.
There's one episode where I had sex with Jackee.
BETH HOYT: Oh my god.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Not actually on the show.
It was implied that we had had sex.
Made love.
And Cindy Williams who played Shirley on Laverne & Shirley
played my mom in an episode.
That was kind of cool.
BETH HOYT: That is--
yeah.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Alfonso Ribeiro
directed a bunch of episodes.
BETH HOYT: That's dreamy.
So cool.
That's like my job.
I get to have people and funny guys come on every week too.
It's nice.
It's nice to be in a stable place and have
cool people come in.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: If you could have one
person on the show--
BETH HOYT: Christian Finnegan.
Done, check.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Bing.
BETH HOYT: We have another comment from YouTube.
And this is IMightBeKharla.
Well, may or may not be. "Some advice for a stand up comedy
wanna be?"
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Honestly, don't wait until you're ready.
Just do it.
And suck.
And be OK with that.
Because if you wait until your feel like you're ready to do
it, you'll never do it.
I would say, think of, is there something else that you
would enjoy doing just-- unless.
But yeah, that's what I would say.
Just get up and do it.
Don't wait.
Do it.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
For real, get out there.
Do it as much as possible.
Tweet is from DawneLewis.
"What was the nicest thing you've even done for someone?
What was the meanest thing ever done to you?"
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: The nicest thing I've ever done for
someone was probably quit different jobs, all of which I
was terrible at.
I have no marketable skills whatsoever.
BETH HOYT: Like, which job did you quit?
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I quit many table waiting jobs.
I was the worst waiter and bartender in the world.
And I would get very-- and I'd be like, I'm out of here.
And they'd be like, you suck.
It's totally all right that you're out of here.
The meanest thing ever done to me--
well, when you have a name--
like when you're a heavyset child and you have last like
Finnegan, there's a lot of Finnefatty, Finnefuck,
Finnedouche.
BETH HOYT: Finnenotthin.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: I just did that one now.
Zing.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: That's good.
My favorite one, which actually was sort of
endearing, was Finnebago.
I still like Finnebago.
And I would just get Christina Finnefag a lot.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
Gosh.
Well, you know what?
I'm glad you have this nice token to remember how we think
of you kindly here.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm totally taking this.
They think they're keeping it, but they're not.
BETH HOYT: No, really.
I want you to take it.
That's like in a Ouija board in the studio.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: I'm going to dig a hole and bury it
under your studio.
BETH HOYT: That's bad news.
It's going to--
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: It's like a really--
BETH HOYT: When we burn down, you guys are
going to know why.
Oh my god, my superstitious vibes are tingling.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: It's going to be the new movie by that
Hostel dude.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
OK, we're going to work on getting over this.
But thank you so much for coming here.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
We're hand--
what are we, opening a bank?
BETH HOYT: Let's hold hands for this.
You guys, that's all the time we have.
I know, it totally sucks.
Listen, if you want more of this crawesomeness, you need
to subscribe.
You won't miss a show if you subscribe.
I'm going to play a game with you.
You choose the game.
We'll play Uno, Settlers of Catan.
What's your favorite game?

I just threw it at you.
Board game.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Oh, board game.
It's probably, what's the one- Cranium.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I love Cranium, too.
I'll play Cranium if you subscribe.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Scattergories.
Cranium or Scattergories.
BETH HOYT: Both.
I mean, yes.
Thanks to Christian for being here.
See him this weekend at the Miami Improv.
Thanks to Laura Willcox and Shannon Coffey
for helping us out.
Speaking of Shannon, do you know about her My Damn Channel
blog, "Coffey Chat?" If you don't, you really should.
Laura's on all the time, too.
It's so funny.
Some quick scheduling info.
For the month of June, Daily Grace will be on Mondays.
Which means tomorrow, I'll be on.
And we've got Bree Essrig who is King of the Web Finalist.
She's going to be here on the show.
And she's a YouTuber and really fun lady.
Check that out.
It's at 4:00 PM.
Or just subscribe.
You won't miss anything.
CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN: Don't be a tool.
Just do it.
BETH HOYT: Just do it.
OK, we'll be back next week with Eugene
Mirman on the show.
Until then, take some time, clean out your closet, stop
hanging onto your past so damn much.
[MUSIC PLAYING]