Wainy Days #16 'The Pickup' (Paul Rudd)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 31.12.2007

Transcript:

DAVID: New York City.
The women here are unbelievable, but what am I
ever going to do about it?
I mean, I get so nervous anytime I even get close to
asking women out in public.
Even if I had a great opening.
WOMAN: My God.
You would not believe the day I've had.
Everything's gone wrong.
Look, I know I don't know you.
I know this is a little awkward, but do you think you
could just buy me a drink?

DAVID: This is crazy.
I need to learn to meet women.
I need to get out of my shell.
I need--

Alias.

OK.
So I called this guy Alias and I signed up for his program.
It cost $1,500, but he guarantees that his students
can meet any woman and have sex with her or get your money
back, so what have I got to lose?

ALIAS: What's up, David?
I'm Alias.
Are those your clothes?
DAVID: Yes.
ALIAS: No.
First off, we only concern ourselves with nines
and tens, got it?
DAVID: Nines and tens.
Got it.
ALIAS: Now, just remember.
Beautiful women have guys coming up to them all day long
telling them how beautiful they are, right?
DAVID: Right.
ALIAS: So what we do is deny them our approval, homes.
That way we make them dependent upon us for it.
DAVID: Boy, that seems so complicated.

ALIAS: Check my style.

Great hair.
WOMAN: Uh, thanks.
ALIAS: Looks silky as shit.
WOMAN: Whatever.
ALIAS: Is it real?
WOMAN: What?
ALIAS: What, did you buy it?
Is it a weave?
Horse hair?
Dumb, cheap hooker.
WOMAN: Who are you?

ALIAS: Get lost.
WOMAN: Call me.
ALIAS: Doubt it.
WOMAN: Here.
Here.

ALIAS: See anyone you like?
DAVID: How about her?
ALIAS: Go.
DAVID: Just go?
ALIAS:Step up to get your rep up, doog.
DAVID: All right.

DAVID: Hey.
WOMAN: Hi.

DAVID: Uh, so I see you're buying jackets.
WOMAN: Yeah, I like jackets.
DAVID: Well, that may be true, but, uh, these ones are too
small for you.
You've, uh, got a few extra pounds.
WOMAN: What?
DAVID: Yeah, you're kind of a fat, chunky bitch.
Too many pounds.

DAVID: I'm just so excited.
That gorgeous woman I met in the store is coming over for a
date tonight.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
DAVID: Oh!

WOMAN: Hello, Wain.
DAVID: Hello, shithead.

WOMAN: David, there's something I need to tell you.
DAVID: Your hair smells like the carpet in the hallway of
an apartment building where old Russian people live.
WOMAN: Oh my God.

David, please.
Just listen to me.
DAVID: No.
You look so stupid.
Can you even read?
WOMAN: Oh, God!
Take me!
I'm going to go to the bathroom, and I'm going to put
in my diaphragm.
And then I am going to fuck your brains out.
DAVID: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[PHONE BUZZES]
DAVID: Hey, is this your phone?
Alias?
WOMAN: Oh.
Oh, I tried to tell you.
DAVID: You've been working with Alias the whole time?
It's just a scam.
WOMAN: No, no, no, no.
It was at first, but then I really started to like you.
DAVID: Get aw--
WOMAN: Oh, come--
DAVID: Get away from me.
WOMAN: Oh, no.
David, please don't run away from your own house.

WOMAN: Excuse me, are you OK?
DAVID: Better than you with that problem skin of yours.

MAN: You're an alcoholic.
Let me hear you say it.
WOMAN: I'm an alcoholic.
MAN: And now we're going to lock you up for a couple
months in a treatment center in New Mexico.
Just give me a kiss to celebrate.
A nice kiss.