Kevin Smith & Ralph Garman: Hollywood Babble-On UNCENSORED 8/18/12

ANNOUNCER: It's Hollywood Babble-On with your hosts,
Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman.
KEVIN SMITH: It's Saturday night in Hollywood, man, so
let's babble the fuck on.
I'm Kevin Smith.
RALPH GARMAN: I'm Ralph Garman.
KEVIN SMITH: Hey!
AUDIENCE: [CHEERING].
RALPH GARMAN: Wow!
Wow.
KEVIN SMITH: I'm a little giggly because, literally,
fucking 40 seconds ago, I was like, do we have time?
They're like, totally.
I'm like, great.
[SUCKING NOISE]
And then I heard, "Live from--" I'm like, holy shit!
I was coming down the hill, and as I got to the bottom of
the stairs, I went, puh!
A big puff.
Anyway, boy, it's going to be a fucking fun show.
RALPH GARMAN: Yes.
KEVIN SMITH: And I'll tell you why, not just the
fucking weed thing.
This is astounding.
I know I'm a little late.
Today, I watched The Hunger Games.
Did you see it?
RALPH GARMAN: No, I did not.
KEVIN SMITH: I ain't even fucking lying, dude.
10 minutes in, I was bawling, like a fucking--
RALPH GARMAN: Really?
KEVIN SMITH: I was so emotionally
invested in this movie.
RALPH GARMAN: Is that because people were hungry in it and
that makes you upset?
KEVIN SMITH: I was, like, I feel their pain!
RALPH GARMAN: Give them some food!
KEVIN SMITH: It's no game when you're hungry.
RALPH GARMAN: They should eat.
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, it's fucking beautiful.
The kids, they pull a few from each district, two from each
district, make them fight in this quasi-futuristic world
where, I don't know what the fuck we did to the government,
but the government is so mad at everyone else that they're
like, every year, every district will give two
children who will fight to the death.
There will be one winner out of all the 24 fucking kids.
RALPH GARMAN: Just like American Idol.
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah, I guess it is the more I think about it.
RALPH GARMAN: This fight to the death thing.
KEVIN SMITH: And then they fucking send the kids in to
fight for the first time, and they put them up in these
fucking tubes, and they all come out in
this field and shit.
They're counting down from fucking 30, I
think, or maybe 60.
It was irritatingly long.
Remember, I was stoned, and I wanted to--
and it was over two hours long.
Every movie these days now is way over two hours.
RALPH GARMAN: Yeah, I don't care for that.
KEVIN SMITH: This, I didn't mind.
This, I was literally like, keep going, keep going.
RALPH GARMAN: Really?
Kill more kids, kill more kids.
KEVIN SMITH: Oh!
It's kind of like a mini Highlander high school or
something like that.
There can be only one.
I recommend seeing it.
It's pretty tight.
I was so fucking into it.
I was literally yelling at the screen and shit.
Run, Katniss.

At one point, she fucking cuts a branch down, has a like a
wasp nest, a hornet's nest, but they're genetically
altered versions of it.
AUDIENCE: Tracker jackers.
KEVIN SMITH: Tracker jackers.
A man said that.
RALPH GARMAN: Tracker jackers.

I think I rented "Tracker Jackers" in the back of my
local video store in the curtain section back there.
Eeeeeenh!
Well, great.
There we are.
That was a positive review for a movie that came
out three years ago.
Come here to Hollywood Babble-On to get all the
latest breaking news in show business.
Then let's get to the shout-outs
portion of the show.
How about Erick Bohorquez?
AUDIENCE: Woo!

RALPH GARMAN: Erick Bohorquez.
KEVIN SMITH: Bork, bork, bork.
RALPH GARMAN: Am I saying that correctly?
Yes?
You sound like a fucking Bond villain.
[BRITISH ACCENT]
So 007, what do you know about Erick Bohorquez?
Erick writes, "Bringing my brother and my wife Lucy to
see you guys for the first time live.
Due to the fact that I talk about you guys constantly,
they are both thoroughly convinced I want you both
inside me."
KEVIN SMITH: Why can't people just be fans?
RALPH GARMAN: It's time to take a look at the week's
showbiz news, Kevin, with a segment we like to call "HBO
Headlines." Taylor Swift's new song, Taylor Swift just
dropped her new song this week.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS].
RALPH GARMAN: That talentless whore.
She's got a new song out.
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, stop it.
RALPH GARMAN: Really?
All she does is fuck guys, break up with them, and then
write about them.
That's her formula for success.
KEVIN SMITH: How do you know they fuck?
RALPH GARMAN: No woman would be that angry at a guy if she
didn't fuck him.
That's how I know that.
She's not writing those songs because he took back his
promise ring, OK?
He fucked her, and he left her, and now
she's like, oh, yeah?
I'm going to show you.
I'm going to write a really bad country
pop song about you.
That'll teach you.
KEVIN SMITH: Somebody said that's not country?
RALPH GARMAN: She puts the cunt in country, sir.
I beg to differ.
That is absolutely country.
Kristen Stewart, apparently, has been dropped from plans
for a Snow White sequel.
Hmm.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS].
KEVIN SMITH: I've heard varying
versions of this story.
RALPH GARMAN: Well, the one I read was that they're going to
take Chris Hemsworth's character, The Huntsman--
KEVIN SMITH: Well, he's money right now.
They figured him, coming off fucking Avengers, this dude,
they could spin him off as just the Huntsman and stuff.
So they were already talking about doing this before she
was like, I love British director cock, or
whatever she said.
RALPH GARMAN: I believe those were her actual words.

The irony is that Rupert Sanders, the British director,
may be back to direct the sequel with Chris Hemsworth.
And he's just as guilty as she is.
It's The Huntsman directed by the cuntsman.

It's time for us to take a look at porn star Kim
Kardashian.
Kim has another high-profile detractor this week.
Jeremy Renner has come forward and said that the Kardashians,
according to this interview with the Guardian, are
ridiculous people with zero talent who spend their lives
making sure everyone knows their name.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS].
RALPH GARMAN: In a related story, the Kardashians
released their eye wear line this week, so if you want to
get their glasses, you can pick them up at Sears, which
is where you go for high-quality eye wear.
KEVIN SMITH: And I imagine that's eye wear to keep cum
from hitting you in the eye or something?
RALPH GARMAN: Yes, exactly.
You know Rashida Jones, who is on Parks and Recreation?
very talented, funny, lady.
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah, she was in Cop Out.
She's cool.
RALPH GARMAN: Oh, that's right, yeah.
I forgot she was in that.
Very talented woman.
She's got a new movie coming out.
And she was talking to a publication about the fact
that she's got a lot of gay friends, and she wishes more
high-profile gay people would come out.
She said a movie star should come out--
John Travolta, basically, she said.
KEVIN SMITH: She said his name?
RALPH GARMAN: Yes.
She is back pedaling furiously this week after
she made that comment.
She tweeted on Tuesday, "Made a thoughtless comment about
John Travolta.
I sincerely apologize.
Nobody's personal life is my business."
KEVIN SMITH: That's classy.
RALPH GARMAN: "Now, will the Scientologists please remove
the bomb from my car," she said.
Michael J. Fox is talking about coming back to
television this year.
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah!
AUDIENCE: [CHEERING].
RALPH GARMAN: He is in talks with the guy who directed Easy
A, which, you know, is a movie I love with Emma Stone.
Will Gluck is his name, a writer for Cougar Town.
They're trying to put together a sitcom which would basically
be about a celebrity dealing with a chronic illness and how
crazy his life gets.
And they would do a comedy about it.
KEVIN SMITH: I don't know.
I think I'd be into it.
I bet you they could find a way to make that funny.
I mean, look, how cool would that be if they're like, we're
just going to break down this taboo and just be like--
RALPH GARMAN: It would open up a whole new world for people
who are performers who have disabilities who
would like to be leads.
KEVIN SMITH: Totally.
And also, like, the dude's an actor in his heart and soul
and has been for all of his life.
He fucking loved acting.
So the chance for him go back and start acting, even if it
is just playing this guy or playing Parkinson's all the
time, I say grab hold of it.
RALPH GARMAN: Yeah.
I don't know.
Sounds a little shaky to me.
KEVIN SMITH: Oh.
AUDIENCE: [GROANING].

RALPH GARMAN: [DOC BROWN VOICE]
Ralph, go back in time, and don't make that joke!
Sorry, Doc.
And a last bit of TV news, Spike Television this week
announced that they're bringing back a TV show called
The Joe Schmo Show.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERING].
RALPH GARMAN: I can finally talk about why I had that
horrible beard for a couple weeks there in July.
I am the host again of The Joe Schmo Show, in January, when
it comes back.
KEVIN SMITH: Oh!
AUDIENCE: [CHEERING].
RALPH GARMAN: For those of you who aren't familiar with The
Joe Schmo Show, it was a spoof on reality television where we
took one person who thought he was actually competing on a
reality TV show and surrounded him with improvisational comic
actors who were all playing roles.
I play a bounty hunter.

KEVIN SMITH: Look at you, man.
So, wait, your idea of being a tough guy is growing a beard?
RALPH GARMAN: Well, I was going to put on a hockey
jersey and look really tough.
KEVIN SMITH: Fuck you.

RALPH GARMAN: Of course, every week, we have a musical
question we like to ask you.
Just how big is Liam Neeson's cock?
Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: --that it was the first image sent back from
the Mars Curiosity rover.
KEVIN SMITH: Ha, ha, ha, ha--
scientific.
RALPH GARMAN: That's right.
Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: He wasn't circumcised.
He was circum-super-sized.
KEVIN SMITH: That's cute.
RALPH GARMAN: And lastly, Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: He has developed a hands-free sex position that
he likes to call "Schindler's Lift."
KEVIN SMITH: Ladies and gentlemen, that is Hollywood
Babble-On for this week.
I'm Kevin Smith.
RALPH GARMAN: I'm Ralph Garman.
KEVIN SMITH: Babble the fuck off!
Good night, everybody!
RALPH GARMAN: Thank you so much.
RALPH GARMAN: Haven't we all at some point in the evening
settled for a bag of crack?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yes.
MALE SPEAKER: You are interested in DTF.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know what DTF is.
MALE SPEAKER: You're interested.
MALE SPEAKER: [RAPPING FURIOUSLY]
[INAUDIBLE]
because it doesn't itch or fidget.
And I'm switching up my positions on what is my left
butt cheek.
Pissed because I know my stupid phone is going to ring
again and I don't want to--