Beth of the Week - 5/11/12 (FULL EP)

BETH HOYT: Ladies and gentlemen, Fleetwood Mac.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi, you guys.
I'm Beth Hoyt.
Happy Friday.
I'm ready for it.
Crazy week here.
Were you with me on it?
You know about my lunch cookie and David Cross?
Who cares about a lunch cookie when there's David Cross?
And our new videos, the MyDamnChannel original comedy
series premieres.
So fresh, so fresh, not clean.
Listen, don't worry if you missed them.
I'm going to watch the new ones with you right now.
I'll be in the chat.
But first, the way I keep my short memory intact--
my short-term memory.
Gosh, I already forgot.
Is by watching the Beth of the Week.

Mmm, cookies done.
Ding, ding, ding.

And that's how you get yourself to be completely
dissatisfied with a salad.
HANNAH HART: That's so kind of you to join us
in my kitchen place.
FEMALE SPEAKER: It is not a kitchen.
Do not lie to me.
HANNAH HART: No, it's not.
FEMALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE].
HANNAH HART: It's an Urban Outfitters.
My apologies.
DAVID CROSS: [INAUDIBLE]
and it sounds more annoying.
BETH HOYT: I know what time that is in Denmark.
I know, so I'll tell you that it is when Hamlet--
that's my knowledge of Denmark.
That's me behind those hats.
Let's prove it.
Ba-ba-ba-ba!
Look, it's me.
That was-- that was a few margaritas in.
DAVID CROSS: Oh my god!
You people, all of you.
BETH HOYT: This is, like, a cowboy on top
of a rock with legs.
HANNAH HART: It is-- that's the
great thing about pancakes.
They're like tiny Rorschach tests.
DAVID CROSS: For the, uh, record, I wrote John Lithgow
several letters when I was in high school.
BETH HOYT: I mean, are you asking?
It's a very polite stalker move.
Also, are you the first one?
I mean, I think they were-- you know.
Absolutely.

DAVID CROSS: The Avengers rule the Earth.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DONNIE: My name is Donnie, and you suck at Photoshop.
But that's not a me problem.
That's a you problem.
First of all, I'd like to extend an honorable mention to
all of the kinder shoppers who didn't fudge their pull-ups
when I asked them to help me spread the-- the word to my
attorney that the ad we created was placed in
legitimate advertising places.
And we fulfilled our obligation in-- in trade to
our lawyer.
So congratulations, D minus.
You passed.
But now it's time for you to take a journey.
It's time for both of us to take a journey.
Let's open up a photo, a photo that says "A second chance has
begun." A photo of a cat that your ex-wife rescued without
telling you and turned your house into a shit aquarium and
created all sorts of turmoil, but now has returned to you
across many continents and tens of thousands of leagues
to bring you a token, a ring.
A ring whose powers had once been only used for evil, but
now we know can-- can be used once more for good.
And so we want to create an image that says the
ring-bearer has returned the ring to its rightful owner.
And he is going to return to reclaim his throne.
And we want to put the ring on a pedestal to say,
I'm ready to love.
I-- or at least I'm ready to spoon and listen
to Ashford & Simpson.
We've gotta start somewhere.
So grab the marquee tool and select a rectangle of the
stone floor.
We're going to use a tool called repousse.
And we're going to duplicate the background, go to 3D
repousse permanent selection.
And Photoshop is going to turn this into a 3D object, a 3D
object that we can manipulate in space and actually turn
into this stone pedestal, one that is worthy of the-- the
power of the ring that sits upon it.
And we can-- we can use the 3D manipulator tool to turn it in
space to, uh-- to scale it, change its size, to-- to even
move it back against the wall to suggest that it's leaning
up against there.
And we can even change the materials.
We can change the shape, the bevels and all sorts of
details here--
something I'm sure your almond-sized brain is
incapable of understanding.
Materials, I created this material from some of the
stone wall.
We won't take the time to clean this up.
We would make it look incredibly awesome, of course.
But time is of the essence.
And so we want to place the ring upon the pedestal.
And, Kootai, can you--
no, you-- you can keep my robe.
But I--
I want my members-only jacket back.
Our journey begins momentarily.
And now we want to do something bold, bolder than a
cat traveling 17,000 miles to bring a ring back to its
rightful owner.
We want to create a challenge, a challenge to the man and his
son, the only two people who are standing in the way of our
happiness, the only two people that we need to take care of.
[CRYING]
Ah.

Do--
ah.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR BELL]
-Take me to her.
-Ugh, god.
[MOANING]
-Honey?
There's someone here to help you.
-Untie me, you worthless no-dick loser.
-The power of Christ compels you.
-Yeah?
Screw your help.
I'm Satan's whore.
I'll kill you.
I'll kill your family.
I'll feast on our boners in hell.
[SHRIEKS]
-Aw, cast out, ye vile serpent.
-I'll claw your flesh.
I'll suck you off.

-I'm sorry, did you say--
-I will suck you off.
-Maybe you should wait outside.
-What?
Really?
-Yep.
-But--
I mean, really,
-Right outside.
I think that maybe--
-Right there.
--I should--
well, OK, you're the expert.
-Things are about to get, uh, real sticky.

Whoa!
Oh, that woman is full of hellfire.
-Is she cured?
-I'm gonna have to, um, call in some colleagues.
She's a bit of a handful, if you know what I mean.
-I don't know what you mean.
-Yeah.
I'm gonna wait in there.

[MOANING]

-You were right.
It turns all the way around.
-Hey, weren't you wearing pants when we went in there?
[LAUGHTER]
[DOOR BELL]
-I'll get it, I'll get it.
-Oh, thanks, man.
-Excuse me, Father, but what the hell is going on here?
-Hey, language, son.
I'm a priest, for Christ's sake.
-Uh, oh, I'm sorry.
-You should be.
-Hey, let's let these guys through.
Come on.
There we go.
Dominic, Marco.
All right, we're setting up on the right.
-Careful where you point that thing.
-It's OK.

-My man.
Yes.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Father?
-What?
-Is is over?
-What?
Oh yeah.
Uh, whatever.
I'm starving.

-Honey, my god.
You're OK.
I will never let you go through that again.
-What are you talking about?
They're coming back tomorrow.
-You mean--
I don't understand.
You're still possessed?
-Possessed?
I was never possessed.
-What?
-Now untie me, you worthless no-dick loser.

BETH HOYT: Good news, you guys.
I'm finally coming down from my sugar high from National
Cookie Week, which I celebrated in one day.
Check out my cookie process on my blog.
It's called Beth in Show.
Uh, it's like-- the video's like a sad little prelude to
having Hannah Hart on the show yesterday.
Grace has the coolest friends, like me.
We're friends.
We know it.
We, we don't show it, because we host on different days.
OK, that's enough.
Calm now.
Have a great weekend.
Next week, we have great shows and new videos, and Steve
Rannazzisi will be on the Wednesday show.
All of them are at 4:00 PM eastern.
I love you.
Have a great weekend.
Don't get any regrettable tattoos.
[MUSIC PLAYING]