Wainy Days #33 'Kelly and Arielle - Part 1'

-Hey, you know what?
I just gotta tell you.
Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be on a date with
the theater critic with the New York Times.
-David, this is our third date.
At some point, you don't have to keep making reference to
the fact that I'm a theater critic for the New York Times.
-I'm so sorry.
I--
I don't even get to the third date that
often, and I get nervous.
I mean, especially with a theater critic with the New
York Times.
Do you want to come in?
-Yeah.
I mean, otherwise, you'd have to drive me home.
-OK, it's just down here.
(NERVOUSLY) Walking is just a funny thing to do, right?
This is my hallway.
It's not my hallway.
It's the building's hallway.
-David, relax.
You don't have to keep trying so hard to impress me.
You know?
I'm impressed.
-Oh, yeah?
Well, then, what are you gonna do about it?
-I don't know.
What do you want me to do about it?
You don't know?
-Maybe we just have to, like, think of something to do.
-Yeah, we should try to put our heads together and think
of something--
-Maybe something will--
-To do.
-Come up.
-Finally!
Guru chicken.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were the dude delivering the chicken.
Chez.
This is my neighbor.
This is Kelly.
-Hey.
-Hey, since when do hot girls named Kelly deliver chicken?
-I'm with David.
-Oh, ho, ho.
OK, way to go, Wain-o.
Well, hey, I'm gonna have to apologize to Ed McMahon for
this one, but here's Johnny.
-OK.
That was to say that, uh, I get a boner when I look at
Kelly.
-Hey, close the deal, Wain-o.
-Who was that cheeseball?
He looks familiar to me.
-That's Chez Retner.
He was on that show Night Guard.
-Ew, he was one of the worst actors I've ever seen.
-Yeah.
I wouldn't be caught dead having sex with someone like
Chez.
-That's good to know.
-Hey, do you have any photo albums?
I want to see what you looked like in high school.
You know, before you put on all the weight.
-Uh, yeah.
I mean, I do, but it would take me a few
minutes to find them.
-I'm not going anywhere.
-Well, OK, then.

Photo album.
Where's the photo album?
Where's the photo album?
There it is.
Oh.
Good.
Mmm.
-I have the photo album, K--
Kelly?

KELLY (OFFSCREEN): [MOANING AND SIGHING WITH PLEASURE]
CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
KELLY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, god, Chez.
CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Mmm.
KELLY (OFFSCREEN): Chez!
Oh, OK.
Now you've done it the normal way.
Now let's switch it around and do me in an atypical way.
Ohhh!
Oh, I'm the theater critic for the New York Times!

-(PANTING) Oh, David.
Oh, god, you're never going to guess what happened.
Uh, I wandered over to Chez's place to borrow a cigarette,
and totally ended up hooking up with him.
How funny is that?
-[UNENTHUSIASTIC LAUGH]
-Whew!
He's not my normal type, but I was curious, you know?
I've always wanted to bag a famous guy.
DAVID (OFFSCREEN): Ah, yeah.
-Anyway, let's look at those photos of
you from high school.
But, uh, just two seconds, actually, 'cause I wanted to
find an ice pack.
'Cause I'm, like, really sore.
CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh, finally!
Guru chicken.
I'm starving.
I just had sex.

-It's no wonder no one wants to have sex with me.
I gotta just get my life together.
I mean, yeah.
I have a really terrific car.
I mean, that's the one thing, an amazing new car.
A Fiat.
[KNOCK ON GLASS]
-Aaaahhh!
-Hey, brother, I hope you're cool with how I porked your
girl last night.
I would've left it alone, but I was really needing it.
I mean, I had a full round in me and she wanted
it so bad, you know?
I mean, with all apologies to Pink, Mya, Lil' Kim, and
Christina Aguilera, voulez-vous coucher avec moi
ce soir?
-You know what, Chez?
It's fine.
-No.
I'm going to make it right between the
two of us, all right?
I'm buying you brunch.
I'm buying you brunch.
-No.
No.
-I'm taking you out to brunch.
-I can't.
I--
I'm gonna hang myself today.
-No, no.
No.
I am not gonna take no for an answer.
-Hey, dude, come on.
-And we better hurry, because pretty
soon it won't be brunch.
It'll just be lunch.
-Ahh.
OK, that, that--