Kevin Smith & Ralph Garman: Hollywood Babble-On UNCENSORED 9/8/12


Uploaded by LOUD on 10.09.2012

Transcript:

MALE SPEAKER: It's Hollywood Babble-On with your hosts,
Kevin Smith and Ralph Garman.
KEVIN SMITH: It is Saturday night in Hollywood.
So let's babble the fuck on.
I'm Kevin Smith.
RALPH GARMAN: I'm Ralph Garman.
[APPLAUSE]
KEVIN SMITH: Before we go into Hollywood news and what not,
can I communicate a cultural thing that I
found out about today?
RALPH GARMAN: Sure.
KEVIN SMITH: I went to a Bat Mitzvah.
You know what that is?
RALPH GARMAN: I do.
That's where Batman and Robin, uh, get together.
KEVIN SMITH: Yes.
RALPH GARMAN: And they read from the Torah.
KEVIN SMITH: That's what I thought, man.
RALPH GARMAN: It is Batman.
But it's Bat Mitzvah.
KEVIN SMITH: Is it?
RALPH GARMAN: Yes.
KEVIN SMITH: I went to one of those today.
I'd never been to one.
RALPH GARMAN: Never?
KEVIN SMITH: Never.
It's weird.
RALPH GARMAN: Don't you know any Jews?
KEVIN SMITH: No.
RALPH GARMAN: You work in Hollywood.
KEVIN SMITH: It's weird, right?
So I went.
And this blew my mind.
At the end, the rabbi, or whatever, yeah, the rabbi--
but they call them something, mall something.
Like, I was like, Mola Ram.
And I was like holy shit.
This mother fucker going to rip a heart out, you know.
I was looking for human sacrifice.
RALPH GARMAN: Yeah, different religion.
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah, yeah.
RALPH GARMAN: You're thinking Mormons.
KEVIN SMITH: No, the Catholic Church were always
like nail him up.
Eat his flesh.
Drink his blood.
Ah, metal, metal.
You know.
Somebody, at one point, he was just like, you know,
something, life is ephemeral.
Does anybody know what that means?
I'm sitting there going I think it means
fleeting and shit.
But I don't want to jump up and say something in case it
means something else.
A little girl raises her hand, like 13 year old kid.
And he's like, you.
And she's like, fleeting.
And he's like, yes, it means fleeting.
And everyone applauded for her.
And I was like, why didn't I say something?
I could have beat this fucking idiot to the punch.
And I would have been king of the fucking Bat Mitzvah.
RALPH GARMAN: (SINGING) Nobody like me.
Everybody hates me.
KEVIN SMITH: Yes.
RALPH GARMAN: That's what you're thinking.
KEVIN SMITH: But instead, man, he was just like, OK, does
anybody know what this means?
And I was like, here's my chance.
RALPH GARMAN: Oh, you didn't.
Please tell me you didn't.

KEVIN SMITH: I did.
I just wanted to be like, um, Vulcan greetings, live long
and prosper.
I didn't look up or anything.
But he literally jumped on it.
He goes, did somebody say Vulcan.
And I was like, dude, yeah.
RALPH GARMAN: Maybe.
KEVIN SMITH: And he's like, it is from Star Trek.
He's going, you know, Mr. Spock, and he said that.
He goes, Mr. Spock, who just happens to be Jewish.
RALPH GARMAN: Nemoy got it from being a Jew, yeah.
KEVIN SMITH: That's what he said.
I had no fucking clue.
And he goes and what is the prayer that Spock usually says
or the greeting that he gives.
And this I fucking had.
You know, it was like, if there was a buzzer on the
table, I would have fucking pounded it hard.
RALPH GARMAN: You would have gone for the bonus round.
KEVIN SMITH: Holy shit, man.
I couldn't even let him finish it before I was like, live
long and prosper, bitch.
You know, I forgot we were at a kid's Bat Mitzvah, but.
RALPH GARMAN: I grew up in Philadelphia, Northeast
Philadelphia, of course.
And my neighborhood was predominantly Jewish.
I was like the token goyem, as they say.
KEVIN SMITH: Get out of here.
You must have gotten so much pussy.
RALPH GARMAN: Yeah, I did.
KEVIN SMITH: I see you as the guy that shows up to all the
Bat Mitzvahs and shit.
And after ceremony's done, they're into the dancing part
of it and shit.
You're pulling the girl into the cloak room going, now
you're going to be a woman.
RALPH GARMAN: I'm circumcised, too, ladies.
KEVIN SMITH: Yeah, I got cut for Christ.

RALPH GARMAN: That's a bumper sticker on the
back of my car actually.
Once in a while, celebrities can get out of their own egos,
get out of their own ways, and do something nice
for somebody else.
When that happens, we like to celebrate it.
And Christian Bale, what a guy.
This is pretty strong.
There was a kid in Youngstown, Ohio by the
name of Jayden Barber.
Five-year-old Jayden Barber has been diagnosed with MSD
leukemia and had been given only months to live.
KEVIN SMITH: Fuck.
RALPH GARMAN: His dream was to meet Batman.
Well, the good news is last week Christian Bale caught
wind of it, and flew Jayden and his family here to Los
Angeles, and treated them to a lunch and a day at Disneyland,
and took them to lunch at Disney's Club 33.
KEVIN SMITH: That's amazing.
That's awesome.
RALPH GARMAN: Here's a picture of Christian Bale and Jayden.
KEVIN SMITH: Do you think Jayden was like, where's the
fucking outfit, buddy?
RALPH GARMAN: Yeah.
Christian Bale punched him right in the face.
It's so sad.
That's why his face looks a little swollen in that photo.
[GROANS AND LAUGHTER]
RALPH GARMAN: What?
I'm telling you what happened.
I am here to report the news.
KEVIN SMITH: [GROANS]
RALPH GARMAN: If you people can't take it, you might as
well just leave.
KEVIN SMITH: [GROANS]
RALPH GARMAN: Because I tell the truth here.
KEVIN SMITH: I might go with them on that one.
[GROANS]
RALPH GARMAN: The only thing that could make this news
better actually happened this week.
Jayden has beat the odds.
And his doctors have announced he's now in remission.
KEVIN SMITH: The fuck out of here, really?
RALPH GARMAN: Yeah.
KEVIN SMITH: Batman has the fucking healing power, man.
RALPH GARMAN: Yes.
KEVIN SMITH: Batman is a saint.
RALPH GARMAN: Apparently Christian Bale told the family
he wants the money back, though, that he spend to get
them out there.
It's kind of tacky I thought.
KEVIN SMITH: (BRITISH ACCENT) Do you know how fucking
expensive Club 33 is?
RALPH GARMAN: (BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, good for you.
You're going to live.
Let's get to the breaking news before we hit politics and
show business.
This morning Miley Cyrus's home was
invaded by an intruder.
KEVIN SMITH: This is fucked up.
No.
RALPH GARMAN: Sadly, she wasn't there.
I'm sorry.
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, stop it.
RALPH GARMAN: Cops responded to a 911 call from her home.
It wasn't placed by Miley.
As I mentioned, she wasn't home.
But when they captured Jason Luis Rivera, he was arrested
for trespassing.
And they did find him armed with scissors.
This is the second time this month Miley Cyrus has been
attacked with scissors.
This is the first time.
Yeah.
That first guy did enough fucking damage.
I don't know what the other guy was thinking.
AUDIENCE: He was trying to fix it.
RALPH GARMAN: He was trying to fix it.
Yeah, he was a hair stylist who said, seriously,
have you seen her?
I couldn't help myself.
I jumped the fence.
It's an emergency.
Lindsay Lohan in the news this week.
Barack Obama, this week, tweeted I've cut taxes for
those who need it, middle class families and small
businesses.
Lohan immediately re-tweeted the president and then added
her own tweet.
It says, Barack Obama, we also need to cut taxes for those
who are listed on Forbes as "millionaires." But if they
are not, you must consider that as well.
Apparently Lindsay was on a list of millionaires from
Forbes magazine.
And she claims she's not.
So she wants a tax cut.
It may be the most specific tax cut in
the history of politics.
She's asking Barack Obama to give her a tax cut.
Lindsay also asked in a later tweet that any stolen diamonds
be considered tax exempt so.
Look, I wish her well.
In legal news, Ben and Jerry's ice cream has filed a suit.
Ben and Jerry's is suing two porn companies, Rodax Video
and Caballero Video, because apparently they have run out
of movies and TV shows to parody.
So now they're parodying Ben and Jerry's flavors.
They've taken Cherry Garcia, and they've changed it into
Hairy Garcia for folks who like their women au naturale.
They've taken American Dream--
AUDIENCE: Yeah, American Cream!
RALPH GARMAN: American Cream, that's what
they've made it to, Sir.
Other flavors, Chocolate Fudge Babes.
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, that makes me horny.
RALPH GARMAN: No.
I don't want to know where the chocolate fudge is coming from
in this video.
New York Fat and Chunky are other ones.
KEVIN SMITH: My nickname in high school was New Jersey Fat
and Chunky.
RALPH GARMAN: Was it really?
I want to know, first of all, where's Cocky Road?
I want to know where that is.
Where's Chocolate Chip Cookie Blow?
Where's that one?
KEVIN SMITH: Oh my god.
AUDIENCE: Or Chubby Hubby.
RALPH GARMAN: Where's Chubby Hubby?
Yeah.
KEVIN SMITH: Right here.
RALPH GARMAN: Or Hubby's Chubby.
That's all you have to do is flip it.
KEVIN SMITH: Chubby Hubby is sitting right next to you.

RALPH GARMAN: Russell Crowe is in the news this week.
You know, he's playing Noah in the new movie Noah about
Noah's Ark.
KEVIN SMITH: OK.
RALPH GARMAN: And in order to get used to, I guess, what
it's like to be in a boat, he went kayaking in the Atlantic
Ocean this week.
KEVIN SMITH: Which is very much like an ark.
RALPH GARMAN: Very much.
He and a friend went kayaking off the coast of Long Island
Sound last Saturday and couldn't find their way back.
The Coast Guard had to tow them in.
Those who know the hot-headed actor, though, say he was so
angry, he punched the ocean in the face.
KEVIN SMITH: [LAUGHS]
RALPH GARMAN: While we're talking about movie stars, Tom
Cruise is featured in the upcoming Vanity Fair magazine.
They talk about the fact before he married Katie
Holmes, Scientology had an internal audition process to
find him his next wife.
Now this had been rumored for some time.
But this person who wrote the article said they have actual
proof from a guy who was running the Scientology's
in-house video studio who recorded the audition tapes
for these girls.
The winner, if you consider it winning, one of the audition
was an Iranian born actress, who is part of Scientology,
named Nazanin Boniadi.
She was put through a Scientology auditing process
for a very important mission for a month.
Tom Cruise to be with a woman, Mission Impossible.
She did not get the mission accomplished.
KEVIN SMITH: Right on.
RALPH GARMAN: And so, according to the story, she
was forced to clean toilets with a toothbrush and dig
ditches in the middle of the night as punishment for
failing her mission.
KEVIN SMITH: To make Tom Cruise straight?
Oh my God, man.
You know how many fucking toilets I'd be scrubbing if I
was punished for every time I got turned down?
RALPH GARMAN: I know.
It's not her fault.
Well, as much as I'd like to continue talking about Kevin's
cock, there comes the time in the evening when you talk
about someone else's cock.
Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: It's who Clint Eastwood was really talking to
during the Republican National Convention.
Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: Conspiracy theorists believe the moon
landing was filmed on it.

Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: It's what Logan ran from.

Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: Doctors found a lump on one of his testicles
and had to use the Death Star to destroy it.
And lastly, Liam Neeson's cock is so big--
AUDIENCE: How big is it?
RALPH GARMAN: That even Christopher Nolan thinks it
takes too long to reach a climax.

Yeah!
KEVIN SMITH: And that's Hollywood
Babble-On for this week.
I'm Kevin Smith.
RALPH GARMAN: And I'm Ralph Garman.
KEVIN SMITH: Babble the fuck off.
Good night everybody.
RALPH GARMAN: Good night, guys.
Thank you.
Haven't we all, at some point in the evening, settled for a
bag of crack?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yes.
MALE SPEAKER: You are interested in DTF?
FEMALE SPEAKER: I don't know what DTF is.
MALE SPEAKER: You're interested.
MALE SPEAKER: (RAPPING) I guess it's out of habit,
because it doesn't itch I fidget and I'm switching my
position so my weight in on my left butt cheek.
Pissed because I know my stupid phone is
going to ring again.
And I want to--