Gilbert Gottfried LIVE! - 7/25/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 25.07.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: It's hard to Channing Hatem.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Shout-out to Bud Cort for that great thing.
Thanks so much, Bud Cort.
Hey, kids, it's me-- the one, the only Beth Hoyt.
Not the only, actually.
I did a Google search.
Just once, I Googled my name.
Apparently, there are dozens of other
Beth Hoyts in America.
And let me tell you ladies something--
I'm coming for you.
Wherever you live, wherever you're hiding,
I'm gonna find you.
And I'm going to try to become friends with you and get you
to subscribe to our show because we have
a lot of fun here.
Let's hang out.
Awesome.
30 seconds in, I've already made new friends.
You guys, we've got a killer show for you today.
Gilbert Gottfried's going to be here live in the studio,
hanging out with this Beth Hoyt and answering your tweets
and live comments and maybe even taking part in a little
psychological test we have devised for him.
We decided it was time to get to know the
Gilbert behind the voice.
I think you're going to be shocked by what we uncovered.
First, though, I want to tell you guys about this hilarious
secret that Wheezy Waiter told me.
He was on the show yesterday.
OK, he said not to tell anyone.
[SIREN AND BELLS]
BETH HOYT: Oh what is that?
Oh, you guys.
Good god, that's our--
it's our Series Premiere alert.
We've got a series premiere for you, you guys.
OK, we've got a series premiere.

BETH HOYT: Now, if you are like me and like everyone you
know, you spend as much time hating the internet as
you do loving it.
So many wonderful things on it.
So many friends who aren't really your friends on it.
I spend half my day on the internet.
And a lot of the time, I'm not doing things that make me
happy, you know?
Like, I'm not always looking at pictures of puppies or
Dwight Howard's shoulders.
I'm doing a million other things.
I'm glad to know, thanks to this series,
that I am not alone.
And we are thrilled to introduce the season premiere
of Status Kill.

-Stop sending me invites.
I'm never going to attend your party or your
event or your thing.
It's stupid.
THEME SONG: Status kill.

FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Agent Sparks, you are all
clear to take a shot.
Eliminate the target with the glasses.
-Clear.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Time is running out.
Take out the target.
AGENT SPARKS (OFFSCREEN): Almost got it.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): The window is closing.
-Almost got it.
[MESSAGE ALERT]
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Susan has invited you to the
event.
-Huh?
SUSAN (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god, I'm 26 and getting really old
birthday bash.
-I'm very busy at work right now.
Can we please talk about this later?
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Stuart has
invited you to the event--
STUART (OFFSCREEN): It's Disco Thursday at Cha Cha--
-No.
[GROANS]
Get out of my shot.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Eddie has
invited you to the event--
EDDIE (OFFSCREEN): I'm going out to get drunk--
yeah-- and throw up all over myself.
-That is not an event.
It's a plan.
And no, I'm not going.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Agent Sparks, Has the target
been eliminated?
Agent Sparks?
AGENT SPARKS (OFFSCREEN): Stay right there.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Victor has invited you to the
event--
-Oh!
VICTOR (OFFSCREEN): Come hear me read poetry.
-Stop inviting me to your stupid shit.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Come play video games at 3:00 on
Xbox Live!
-No.
I don't live in Texas.
Are you kidding me?
I am not coming to your house.
No, no, no, no.
That's two years from now.
I can't commit to that.
No.
No, I'm not coming to your pillow fight.
I'm an adult.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Hunter has
invited you to the event--
HUNTER (OFFSCREEN): The Zombie Apocalypse.
-There is no such thing as a zombie.
HUNTER (OFFSCREEN): Read me a bedtime story.
-[MUMBLING].
No, no, please don't.
Don't go!
I--
I--
I'll send you an invite.

Shit.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Come in, Agent Sparks.
What is your status?
Can you confirm a kill?
-Uh, target's a no-show.

BETH HOYT: Status Kill, you guys.
You know what's so great about having a show that's about the
internet on the internet?
On a live show, when you have shows like that--
[MESSAGE ALERT]
BETH HOYT: Oops.
Sorry, you guys.
One second.
I just--
I usually have this in airplane mode.
It's just--
oh, they're just saying that they love Status Kill.
That's awesome.
OK, I love it, too.
And what I was going to say about having a show about the
internet on the internet--
[MESSAGE ALERT]
BETH HOYT: Sorry, guys.
OK, it says, "that Status Kill video reminds me of how
annoying you are with your Facebook invites."
OK, you know what?
It's the best way to inform a bunch of people.
It's because I have to.
Anyway, I was going to tweet a joke about
a distracted assassin--
[MESSAGE ALERT]
BETH HOYT: Ugh.
Sorry, you guys.
OK, all right.
That's from my mom.
It's just a blank.
She just sends a blank space sometimes.
Is she trying to communicate?
[MESSAGE ALERT]
BETH HOYT: Mom!
Oh, whoops.
That's a bank alert.
OK, we're just going to turn this off.
Enough of that.
You guys, I'm sorry.
If you enjoyed that season premiere, then get psyched.
Because we've got lots more of Status Kill for
you in coming weeks.
And subscribe so you'll be in the know.
But in the meantime, check out season one of Status Kill on
mydamnchannel.com.
But do that a little bit later because now it's time for--
live, in-studio--
Gilbert Gottfried.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
Hi.
BETH HOYT: Hi, Gilbert.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Boy, this is--
I had no idea this would be happening.
BETH HOYT: You didn't?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: We just brought you in here and miked you up.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Boy, I'm getting smaller by the second.
BETH HOYT: I'm trying to shrink down into this.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: No, you don't shrink.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
I'm sorry.
BETH HOYT: All right.
Gilbert, it was so nice of you to stop by.
What's your feeling on Facebook statuses?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I look like an Oompa Loompa over there.
BETH HOYT: It's not true.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: It's not true.
Are you on Facebook?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Uh, yes.
Yes, I have no idea how any of it works.
BETH HOYT: So you aren't bothered by--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: But I definitely
mastered my Twitter account.
I've never gotten in trouble with that, so I
guess that's good.
BETH HOYT: Absolutely.
OK, I know you guys have sent in tons of
questions for Gilbert.
We'll be getting to those in just a few minutes.
What the hell, let's do one right now.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
Like, two or three questions they've sent in.
BETH HOYT: Let's do one.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: But for us, it's tons.
Yes.
BETH HOYT: Here's a tweet.
Let's answer a live one now.
OK, this is from arigtv.
"Which dead celebrity would you have loved to roast?"
That's a good question.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Oh, there's so many dead celebrities.
There's so many celebrities I wish were dead right now who I
could roast.
But I'd like to roast anyone from Adolf
Hitler to Jesus Christ.
BETH HOYT: That's quite a--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: And they're both famous.
And I'd just like to be able to say some dumb insult and
have either Jesus or Adolf Hitler going,
oh-ho, you went there.
Oh-ho.
It's on now.
That and to do that phony laugh.
Heh, heh, heh, heh.
BETH HOYT: I want to see that, too.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
BETH HOYT: Man, thanks for teasing that up,
though, that image.
I want to see that.
Thanks.
See how easy that was, you guys and Gilbert.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Can you tease me up for--
oh, I'm sorry.
BETH HOYT: All right.
Uh, well--
yeah, no, sure.
We're gonna--
I'm gonna brush on.
You guys want Gilbert to rece--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, that's what most
women say to me.
I'll just-- yeah, we'll just ignore that and--
BETH HOYT: Not ignoring.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: --get back to it later.
BETH HOYT: I'm just--
right.
So if you guys want Gilbert--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: That's what masseuses say to me.
I'll get to that later.
Yeah.
Yes.
BETH HOYT: OK, you guys wants Gilbert to respond to you,
drop a comment on YouTube or tweet us with the
#mydamnchannel right now.
First, though, we've got a special video.
Gilbert, you want to tell us who's in it?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Uh, oh--
BETH HOYT: Is it--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: OK.
Oh, dear.
It's that scandalous video of me and Betty White that's been
going around.
BETH HOYT: Oh, actually, I don't think that's the--
I don't think that's going around.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Oh.
Oh, OK.
It's not going around.
Nobody will pass it around.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
We need to get the rights for it.
This video--
I think it's of just you.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
BETH HOYT: So do you want to tee this up?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Oh.
Oh, I know what this is.
I'll tee it up.
Guys, you know that crazy stuff in our culture that you
wish someone would just sound off on?
Well, that's what I do.
Please enjoy another episode of Gilbert Gets It.
BETH HOYT: Very well done.

-Hey, folks.
Gilbert Gottfried here.
This August, a woman in Minneapolis is holding the
first-ever Internet Cat Video Film Festival.
So now we know what happens when shut-ins learn how to use
their computers.
Look, I get it.
You want to experience the loneliness of the internet
with a bunch of strangers.
Fans can suggest their favorite cat videos.
But nominations are due July 30.
So hopefully they'll get out from under that pile of old
newspapers that fell on them soon.
Cat lovers, go to the festival.
Take a break from the constant smell of cat piss and spend a
weekend hanging out with people who
smell like cat piss.
Meanwhile, in Minnesota, a company is offering people a
chance to drive a tank.
You'll never guess what the company is called.
It's called Drive A Tank.
Look, I get it.
Snorting PCP and climbing behind the wheel of your
Hyundai has gotten old, and you're ready to
kick it up a notch.
You even get to crush cars with the tank.
Or you could take that money and invest it in therapy to
help explore your rage issues.
For those looking for the full disgruntled veterans'
experience, you even get to shoot a machine
gun when you finish.
Like all rides, however, there is a size restriction.
Your dick must be this small to drive the tank.
Finally, a telecommunications company in London is
installing lickable wallpaper in their elevator.
Look, I get it.
Who doesn't ride an elevator and say to themselves, why,
oh, why can't I lick the wall?
If you want me to lick wallpaper, you better put
Scarlett Johansson on it.
The real question is, why do you need to encourage people
to use your elevator?
Are people having too much fun with the edible handrails on
your staircase?
You won't see me licking that elevator.
I prefer to contract herpes the old-fashioned way.
Do you know any crazy stuff I can sound off on?
Just send me your ideas on Twitter.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get on the internet
and watch some pussy.
What?
I mean cat videos.
What's the matter with you people?

BETH HOYT: And we're back.
And so we shot that earlier with Gilbert.
Now he's all the way here live to talk to fans.
He's really here.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
Just keep touching.
BETH HOYT: This doesn't-- hand does not-- oops.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
Oh, oh.
BETH HOYT: Let's get to your questions.
Here's a tweet.
And this is from GatorArcangelo.
"I heard you're going to be the next American Idol judge."
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Uh, yes.
Yes, I will be taking Paula Abdul's spot.
BETH HOYT: OK.
That's a little--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, I'll be the one who's drunk and on
prescription drugs.
And they're in a daze, going, oh, that was-- you were--
you're wonderful.
You're just wonderful.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you've got it down.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
BETH HOYT: I see how your audition must've just--
you nailed it.
Well, that's exciting.
So that was breaking news, maybe.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Oh, yes.
BETH HOYT: Cool.
Our next comment from YouTube is from Raven Wolf.
Question, "if you could play the role of a superhero, which
would it be?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I'd be Super Jew.
I'd be one of those heroes that, there'd be a crime being
committed, and I'd go, I really can't.
I don't feel like flying.
It affects my sinuses.
BETH HOYT: That's great.
You're pretty close to--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes, yes.
BETH HOYT: You could almost call yourself that.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I'm almost convincing as a Jew.
Yes, I'm a method actor.
BETH HOYT: Well, great.
Next tweet is from Eyles007.
"What's worse-- being blind and walking into a Hooters or
riding a mechanical bull with no arms?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Why do I care if the mechanical bull
doesn't have any arms?
I don't understand that.

BETH HOYT: Check.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Done.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: That was done.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
And it's done.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Toasted it.
Next, this is a tweet from the thepete2011, Pete Griffin. "Do
you really try to get hot girls in your van using the
Aladdin bird voice?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Well, I'm not supposed to
talk about it now.
My lawyer is advising me to keep quiet.
BETH HOYT: Sure, our fault.
We should have--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Yes, we had that, and nobody--
next tweet is from Craig Frost.
"What are the chances are you getting a spot on MTV2's Hip
Hop Squares?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Well, I don't know if I'd have the
time because right now I'm still hosting MTV Cribs.
BETH HOYT: Right.
And-- and with American Idol coming up,
you're gonna be busy.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
I'm overwhelmed.
BETH HOYT: Wow, yeah.
Busy guy.
OK, next comment is from YouTube, aprilbaby1212.
"Which celebrity would you like to bring back from the
dead?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Any one of them that I could pick up and
fuck, basically.
It wouldn't be--
BETH HOYT: Picking them up is--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
It wouldn't be Marilyn Monroe.
It might be Osama bin Laden.
You know, as revenge, I'd bring him back to
life and fuck him.
Yeah, and then go, sorry.
BETH HOYT: Great.
OK, another comment.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: It's not 72 virgins, but hey, take what
you can get.
BETH HOYT: I mean, you do have your pick of any.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, yeah.
BETH HOYT: But I mean, you'd pick-- that's a good--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
BETH HOYT: --that's a good revenge?
OK.
Next comment from YouTube is Deathsaw.
"What does Gilbert think of podcasting?
Will he ever host one?" What do you think of podcasting?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah.
I don't understand it.
But people keep telling me to do it.
But I have no idea.
And I still don't know.
I think there's about two people who make money off
podcasting.
BETH HOYT: You could be the third.
I think there's a really strong chance of
you being the third.
I think you should take these people's advice.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: See, it's like, that's a rave review.
Hey you could be the third one.
BETH HOYT: People would be walking all over listening to
your voice in their ears, just all the episodes.
Imagine that.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, I think serial killers go around
with my voice in their ear.
BETH HOYT: Well, that's an audience.
That's an audience, you know?
OK, another comment on YouTube is from Mr200795--
I just made that up.
200795mm.
"Gilbert, how are you?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I'd rather not talk about that right now
and not on the air.
I'm sorry.
That's a little bit personal.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, let's leave that private, you guys.
That's a very--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, please.
BETH HOYT: OK, so there'll be more time for Gilbert
questions later on in the show, so don't panic.
And when we get back--
I'm gonna need you to don't panic.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes, yes, I was starting to panic.
BETH HOYT: None of you guys.
I'll keep calm, too.
Next we're gonna dive into the mind of Gilbert Gottfried and
see just what's lurking below the surface.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes, and then you could
play handball in there.
Because my mind has plenty of space for you and your friends
to walk in.
BETH HOYT: We're gonna find out.
OK, first, though, we've got another My Damn Channel
original premiere for you.
This is from Junior Varsity and their Linked Out series.
This is called "140 or Less."
-Yeah, Mom, the doctor said that I have this disease where
I can only talk, like, 140 characters at a time.
-Excuse me, do you know how to get to the stadium from here?
-Mom, I have to go.
Stadium?
Uh, yeah, you just go down Main for, like, 10 blocks,
right on Grover.
Then after that, the stadium should--
[GASPING]
-Are you OK?
-Yeah, sorry about that.
It's just-- it's a side effect of this disease I have.
-Is it AIDS?
-No, it's not AIDS.
It's just, I can't talk for a prolonged
period of time without--
[BUZZER]
--my--
[GASPING]
-That's messed up.
-Let's get the hell out of here.
-No, no, don't go.
Hey, no.
-What, are you giving those girls a
hard time or something?
-No.
I was just giving them directions to the stadium, and
then-- look, man, I've got this disease.
-Is it AIDS?
-What?
I don't have AIDS, OK?
It's just this Twitter thing, where if I talk more than a
hundred and fo--
[BUZZER]
-[GASPING]
-What are you saying?
What, are you making the fun of the way of I talk, like I'm
some sort of juiced-up gorilla or something like that, huh?
-I'm sorry, man.
I don't mean to do that.
I--
I just-- honestly, people who use steroids,
I think that they're--
[BUZZER]
-[GASPING]
-Oh, you think you're funny, right?
-Ugh.
[SIREN]
-Sir, sir.
Oh god.
Are you OK?
-Yeah, I guess.
I mean, this guy, he--
I guess he thought I was messing with these girls.
He knocked me out because--
[BUZZER]
-[GASPING]
-He's going into shock.
Sir, sir, do you have AIDS?
-All right, you guys.
My Damn Channel is doing fantastic.
But we do need to get a little bit edgier.
Does anybody have any ideas?
-Um, what if we renamed the channel My [BLEEP]
[BLEEP]
[BLEEP]
channel?
-Too edgy.
Little bit.

BETH HOYT: OK, we're back with Gilbert Gottfried.
And when I found out we were going to get a whole show with
you, I just decided that we should try to answer a
question that's just been eluding humankind for years.
And it's what exactly is going on in
Gilbert Gottfried's head.
What's going on in your head?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Nothing, nothing.
BETH HOYT: I don't know.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: It's wind blowing through there.
BETH HOYT: One thing I've learned from watching House is
that you never trust the patient to diagnose
themselves, right?
So that's--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes, yes.
And you should always go to a doctor with a limp.
Yeah, very important.
Go to a doctor with a limp who has a bad attitude.
You know, whenever I call for a doctor, I go, now, do you
have a bum leg?
And you get annoyed with people for no reason?
Yeah, I'll be right over.
BETH HOYT: That's great that you could actually talk to the
doctor, though.
Usually, I have a series--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes, yes.
Usually, it goes right-- well, that's the limping
doctors who do that.
BETH HOYT: They have no nurses.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, they have no nurses.
They're above that.
And I like when the accent goes in and out.
BETH HOYT: Right.
But a good-looking guy could probably solve your
interesting case in a matter of 50 minutes.
So that's valuable information.
So there is plenty of stuff we want to get into in there, and
this is why we've devised an ingenious photo questionnaire
to let us all into your mind.
Thank you for letting us do that.
I don't know if we have your permission, but we're gonna
just do it.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: No, you don't.
But it's OK.
BETH HOYT: Great.
OK.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: It's like a gang rape or something.
BETH HOYT: Let's get into it.
So this is how it's going to work.
Gilbert, we'll be showing you a series of photos.
And you can look at them right there.
And then just tell me the first word that pops into your
head for each one.
Does that sound simple enough?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: OK.
BETH HOYT: OK, great.
This is for science.
Are you ready?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I think so.
BETH HOYT: OK, let's do it.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Sun.

Bicycle.

Racism.
Mommy.
Mommy.
Bicycle.

Murder.

Loser.

[MOTORBOATING SOUND]
Man, would I like to fuck that.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I'm glad.
Wow.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: OK, I'm flattered.
Thank you.
Because well, actually, up until the end there, I was
thinking, maybe he's crazy.
But then at the end there--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: But now I--
BETH HOYT: --you really rounded it out.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: --made perfect sense.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
A sane, happy Gilbert Gottfried.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: The only thing wrong, yeah, I think it
was one more than one word.
But, other than that--
BETH HOYT: It's still fine.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: --at least I answered honestly.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, and it was complimentary.
We'll be back, you guys, with more Gilbert and more
questions and comments from you guys.
First, we have an important message from the good people
at Life-Assist.
Seriously, no joking.
Take a moment and focus because what you're about to
see could one day save your life.

-Oh, no.
Ah.
[BEEP]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-[CRYING]
Thank you for coming.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-[SINGING]
Who you gonna call when you have a fall?
You gonna call the folks that give help to all.
You just push the button on your sexy necklace, and you'll
call the nice people at Life-Assist.
We get your call at our office in Century Plaza, where we'll
look at your house, then we'll come right over.
-[SINGING]
Ma'am, we're sending someone there right way.
Everything is going to be A-OK.
-[SINGING]
Life-Assist, we're gonna pick you up.
Life-Assist, we're gonna fix you up.
-[GROANING]
-[SINGING]
So make room for the speakers because I'm bringing my boys.
We got to bring the party, so y'all make some noise.
We got that champagne flowing, got that Coke and Bacardi.
We're gonna get fucked up.
No one try and stop me.
Everybody jump.
This is going all night.
But don't take it from me.
Hit it, MC Dynamite.
-[SINGING]
All you motherfuckers gonna die tonight.
I'll whip it out and make you shorties want to cry tonight.
While you sit in your seat, I'll make you suck on my meat.
We gonna hump till I burst like dynamite.
Haha, haha.
Life-Assist, you filthy bitches.
Office is at Century Plaza.
-[SINGING]
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
Come on, everybody get up.
-I can't.
-[SINGING]
Come on, everybody stand up.
-I can't!
-[SINGING]
Life-Assist, Life-Assist, assisting your life.
Woo!

-Oh, oh, oh.
[CRYING]
-The world's a crazy place.
People aren't being very nice to each other.
Sometimes you just need to stop in the name of love.
THEME SONG: McMayhem.
McMayhem.
What, you didn't know?
No, he ain't playin'.

-Oh!
[BEEP]
-Get over here.
Come here, girl.
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
-Get over here.
[BEEPING]
-I'm sorry.
[BEEPING]
-I--
I'm sorry.

He hit me.

[BEEPING]
-What the fuck is your problem?
Get the fuck out of the street.
Come on.
People have somewhere to go.
Can you move it to the fucking sidewalk?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
THEME SONG: McMayhem.

BETH HOYT: Hey, all-- we're back with more of your
questions for Gilbert.
Let's just get into it.
What have we got first?
It's Twitter.
It's a tweet from TheKennyGross.
"Why dont you pitch yourself as the voice of the Geico
lizard's reptile friend who only blurts, Geico?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Why?
Why can't I continue my other job as the--
ohhh.

OK, Geico!
BETH HOYT: Big audition.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
See, I auditioned now.
BETH HOYT: You're nailing it, nailing it.
OK, send that out there.
That's great.
OK, next tweet is from exnyred.
"Does is it still taste like chicken?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Well, the last time I had oral sex with
one, it did taste like chicken.
Yes.
BETH HOYT: OK.
I didn't know what that was in reference to.
I'm glad you knew.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I don't either.
BETH HOYT: OK, great.
Well, that's a good place to take it.
Next comment is from YouTube, nottoofarnorth.
"Gilbert-- boxers, briefs, or commando?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Neither.
I wrap it up in duct tape.
BETH HOYT: Ouch.
And then just leave it?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it.
Yes.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
OK, great.
I don't know if you guys knew that.
More breaking news.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: And the only thing commando is I put a
helmet on it sometimes.
It's a Nazi helmet.
BETH HOYT: Sure.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Actually, it's one of those German World
War II helmets with the little arrow on top.
It's interesting.
BETH HOYT: It sounds that way.
A comment from YouTube now is zcy181.
"Gilbert, do you have any shows coming soon?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes, I have some shows coming not soon.
You can check them on my website--
gilbertgottfried.com.
gilbertgottfried.com.
My Twitter account is @realgilbert.
And you can get my book, Rubber Balls and Liquor, my
DVD, Dirty Jokes, and you could look up my CNN article
by Googling CNN Gottfried Tosh.
I talk about Daniel Tosh's rape joke.
And you can also--
[GASPS]--
BETH HOYT: Some water?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: --look up "Gilbert Gottfried Reads 50
Shades of Grey."
BETH HOYT: Yes.
So funny if you haven't seen that.
Was that enough, guys?
That was a lot.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: [SIGHS]
BETH HOYT: You OK?
Let's keep going.
Are you all right?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I think I'm having a stroke.
Oh, I'm sorry.
BETH HOYT: He's there.
He's back.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: No, really hit me.
BETH HOYT: OK, I get awkwardly violent sometimes.
No.
Next comment from YouTube is edwardsmark.
"Gilbert, what does Beth smell like?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Like chicken.
No.
No, she tastes like chicken.
The smell is a whole other thing.
That's gonna be a whole separate show.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, OK.
I'm handling this.
Next comment from YouTube is from TWellSuckMeT.
Hm?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Sucked me, T?
BETH HOYT: What do you think that--
OK.
Well, "What's your favorite--"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: SuckMeT.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: That sounds like--
BETH HOYT: TWell--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: --a pornographic golf film.
Suck Me Tee.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
OK, What's your favorite movie?
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Anything at all that has a blow
job scene in it.
BETH HOYT: Sure.
Yeah.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Well, except for male porn.
That's a whole other thing.
BETH HOYT: Right.
But there's quite a few movies in that category.
That's good.
So leaving it open for that.
A question from Tumblr.
This is from browncoatbynight.
"Would you consider narrating pornography for the blind?"
That'd be generous.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes.
Quite often I go to the house of blind.
I don't even introduce myself.
I just walk in to the house of blind, pass security, and
start yelling out, he shoved it into her wet pussy.
And then I'm usually escorted--
BETH HOYT: And so you're just making--
you're not even reading--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, yeah.
I'm making it up.
BETH HOYT: So you're an author as well.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: I feel like it's more fresh that way.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You're a writer.
That's fantastic.
That's great.
And you don't have to introduce yourself.
I'm sure they know once they hear--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: No, no.
They know.
BETH HOYT: That's the good thing about your voice.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: They go, oh, Liam Neeson's here.
BETH HOYT: Great.
Because they don't know.
They haven't seen you in the film, so they could assume--
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yeah, so they would go, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Next comment from YouTube is from TheJoeySams.
"Do you think Beth is hitting on you?"
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Yes, without question.
Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Thanks.
Thanks for calling that out.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: It's a direct come-on.
BETH HOYT: Thanks for that, for just calling that out.
That's great.
OK, so that's all the time we have for that.
Gilbert, thank you so much for being here.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Oh, I can get out now?
BETH HOYT: Not yet.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Oh.
BETH HOYT: But in just a minute.
If you haven't checked out all the other Gilbert Gets It
videos, go to mydamnchannel.com and look
those up because they're hilarious.
And don't panic, this isn't goodbye yet.
It's gonna be goodbye for Gilbert.
He can go sit down.
It's not time right now to say goodbye.
For real, we're gonna watch one more My
Damn Channel classic.
You know him, you love him, you're glad he's not the
father of your children.
If you don't already feel a little bit dirty,
then here you go.
Daddy Knows Best, "The Babysitter."
STEVE (OFFSCREEN): You have to.
-Please.
-You're the mother.
Come on.
-Hey!
-Hello!
-Hey, guys.
-How was he?
-Oh my god, he is the most adorable thing in the world.
-Really?
SARA (OFFSCREEN): Yes.
-Nice.
-Our kid?
-Yeah.
Any time you ever need a baby sitter, I'm always available.
-OK, cool.
-Oh yeah.
-Um, do you need to call your dad so he can give you a lift?
-My dad's car broke down.
Is there any way you can give me a ride home?
-Oh yeah, sure.
-Yeah, you'll drive?
-Thank you so much.
Thank you.

-And, uh, here we are.
Thank you again for helping us out tonight.
It was so huge.
-You're welcome.
What do you like better, puppies or kitties?
-If you're putting me on the spot, I would say that I'm
probably more of a puppy man myself.
-I think you're really handsome.
-Aw, thank you.
A lot of people say I remind them of
a young David Boreanaz.
-I don't know who that is.
-It's the guy from Bones.
You don't watch Bones?
-I usually just watch cartoons.
-Oh, you're missing out.
-I really want to see your penis.
-What?
Wait, what did you just say?
-Are you gonna show it to me?
-No.
What are you, out of your mind?
This is highly inappropriate talk for a child.
-Give me your dick!
-What?
Wha--
dick?
-If you don't do what I tell you, I'm gonna tell everyone
that you groped me.
And who are they gonna believe, you or me?
Help me, help me.
-Oh, you're an evil bitch.
-I hope you like hand jobs.
-No, no, no.
Don't do this.
What?
Oh-- oh my--
no, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, god.
Oh, the sun will come out tomorrow.
So you gotta hang on till tomorrow.
[THUNDER]
-Oh my god.

Steve.
-Yeah.
-Do you remember that babysitter that we had, Sara?

-No.
-The girl-- you drove her home that night.
That night that we went to dinner.
-I don't remember her.
I don't know.
I can't remember everyone I've ever met before.
Why?
-OK, OK.
-Why?
What's the-- what did she say?
-No.
I haven't talked to her.
But it turns out that she's a 35-year-old serial rapist.
-What?
Shocking.
-I know.
She's going to jail.
Look.
-Did they, um-- did they mention if-- if she kept,
like, a journal of all her victims' names or, like,
specifically who she raped?
-No, they don't-- they don't release that stuff.
It's like, you know-- it's--
-Oh, good.
OK.
-Are you OK?
-And I--
I just feel like I--
I'm lucky.
I'm the one that got away.
-Yeah.
-I'm the one who didn't receive the hand job.
Thank goodness.
-They didn't say-- nobody said anything about a--
-I don't know.
I'm not sure how--
how one rapes.
I'm not sure what her raping style was.
But I would assume someone of that size would just probably
viciously jerk you off.
-I'm shocked.
STEVE (OFFSCREEN): [SIGHS]
-Oh, no, no, no, honey.
No, no.
It's yucky today, OK?
But the sun will come out tomorrow.
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow--
-Oh no.
[CRYING]
--there'll be--
-Make it stop.
-Honey, my voice is not that bad.
-Shut up!
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Stand by, everybody.
DAN WILBURN: Yeah, can you hang on one second?
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Stand by.
DAN WILBURN: Hey, I'm Dan Wilburn.
You're watching My Damn Channel LIVE.
FEMALE VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Dan, we were not rolling.
DAN WILBURN: Yeah, it's just this thing that I was gonna--
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Who was that good-looking guy?
That was Dan Wilburn who is sadly leaving our My Damn
Channel family this week to pursue other opportunities.
But boo, we love Dan.
Luckily, Dan isn't leaving the world.
So you should follow him on Twitter @wilburndan because
he's really funny.
I'll miss you.
Bye, Dan.
OK, that's it.
Thanks to Gilbert Gottfried again for coming and letting
us pick his brain.
Thanks to all of our filmmakers bringing us these
new videos for you guys.
Thanks to the Olympics for starting on Friday, and to
Pete and Pete, who are going to be on our
Olympic show next Tuesday.
Thanks to Daily Grace for being who she is.
But thanks to Trish Nelson who is taking over for Grace
tomorrow while Grace is at the Just For
Laughs Festival in Montreal.
I'm gonna leave Trish a note.
And if you guys want to get to know Trish before you spend
time with her tomorrow, check out my latest vlog at
Bethinshow.
She's on it kind of.
Does anyone love me?
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
Thanks to you guys.
Thanks for watching.
Subscribe, subscribe.
And bye, bye.
[MUSIC PLAYING]