CGRundertow BASKETBALL: HOOPS OF GLORY for iPhone Video Game Review


Uploaded by CGRundertow on 08.01.2012

Transcript:
This is like the basketball hoops they have at carnivals and arcades...only a lot smaller
and without real basketballs, obviously. And without those fun tickets you can exchange
for prizes. And without girls to impress and win stuffed animals for.
Wait, why am I even playing this?
Basketball: Hoops of Glory is obviously a basketball game available in the App Store.
The game’s iTunes description claims it’s “the only basketball game you’ll ever
need to download from the App Store,” but astute eyes will notice no source is attributed
to the claim. And frankly, I’d like to see the data that supports it because after a
few rounds with Basketball: Hoops of Glory, I was ready to hit the locker room.
You play as a little wanna-be named Brodie. He goes by the nickname Bro-Dawg, which...I
mean, obviously. He turns his baseball cap backward.
What is this, 1993?
So when he is not listening to gangster rap out in the suburbs in his mom’s Nissan,
Brodie hits the well-kept and weekly cleaned pavement to work on his free throws.
Man, what a **** G.
You play the game by dragging your finger on the screen. This creates an arc, which
represents the trajectory of Brodie’s shot. Release your finger, and Brodie shoots. So
the idea is to get a sense of the game’s physics and the velocity of the shots, so
you can eventually drop jumpers like Larry Legend. Because you see, in the burbs, kids
have Larry Bird posters on their wall...in nice, anti-smudge glass frames.
There’s a challenge mode, which throws a series of specific objectives at you in a
sequential manner and is mostly unlocked through in-app purchase. And there’s an arcade mode
that essentially acts as a free play mode. No matter which mode you choose, you’re
doing the same thing—touching and dragging.
And missing everything except the backboard.
I found this game almost impossible to play with any degree of accuracy. I tend to criticize
iOS games that involve throwing things and don’t use a full arc to show you the trajectory,
but that would kind of defeat the purpose in a basketball game. So this means I’m
stuck in Basketball: Hoops of Glory.
I understand why it is the way it is, but that doesn’t mean I like it.
In fact, you can get a full arc as a temporary power-up. But you have to hit a shot with
these special colored balls to get that power-up, and I couldn’t do it. What am I? Some kind
of physics teacher? I don’t know how to play this or memorize arcs. This is ridiculous.
If you’re into Angry Birds and you like basketball, you might want to check this game
out. It plays well and the physics are great, but for me, that’s the problem. I don’t
have the patience for these games. That said, if you do, and you yourself know a Bro-Dawg,
Basketball: Hoops of Glory is a touch-controlled suburban playground just for you.