Best Solar Eclipse Jokes - 5/21/12 (Full Ep)

BETH HOYT: Because it's just another Manic Monday.
[MUSIC PLAYING - THEME SONG]
BETH HOYT: Hi, you guys.
Did you have a good weekend?
Did you see the solar eclipse?
Do you know what that is?
It's when the moon passes between the sun and the earth,
and then it goes in front of the sun, and then the sun
looks like a ring.
I know that, because I just Wikipedia'd it.
I mean, I know--
I know what an eclipse is.
I just wanted to make sure that I described it right.
Remember when we used to make dioramas and
stuff out of shoe boxes?
And that's why you have an issue with throwing out
shoeboxes, because you're like, what if I
need it some day?
And then someone who's sensible, they're like why--
why would you need a shoe box?
Because I need it to make a diorama of an eclipse.
Oh, also this, how did the man in the moon cut his hair.
Eclipse it.
That is from a Raffy Taffy wrapper from high school.
And that is what matters.
Also, how did the man make his video shorter?
Eclipse it.
Uh, how, how does the guy get his
coupons out of the newspaper.
Eclipse them.
You've got it.
You've got it.
OK, guess what else.
This Wednesday, we have a brand new episode of You Suck
at Photoshop for you.
Donnie Hoyle will be premiering some new tips.
He's not the nicest teacher.
But he's good at Photoshop, even though you suck at it.
You better prepare for it.
Here is the most recent episode.

DONNIE HOYLE: My name is Donnie.
And You Suck at Photoshop.
But that's not a me problem.
That's a you problem.
First of all, I'd like to extend an honorable mention to
all of the kinder-shoppers, who didn't fudge their
pull-ups when I asked them to help me spread the-- the word
to my attorney that the ad we created was placed in
legitimate advertising places.
And that we fulfilled our obligation in
trade to our lawyer.
So congratulations.
D minus.
You passed.
[CONCH SHELL MUSIC PLAYING]
DONNIE HOYLE: But now it's time for
you to take a journey.
It's time for both of us to take a journey.
Let's open up a photo--
a photo that says a second chance has begun.
A photo of a cat that your ex-wife rescued without
telling you and turned your house into a shit-quarium, and
created all sorts of turmoil, but now has returned to you
across many continents and tens of thousands of leagues
to bring you a token--
a ring.
A ring whose powers had once been only used for evil, but
now we know can-- can be used once more for good.
And-- and so, we want to create an image that says the
ring bearer has returned the ring to its rightful owner.
And he is going to return to reclaim his throne.
And we want to put the ring on a pedestal to say
I'm ready to love.
Or at least, I'm ready to spoon and listen to Ashford
and Simpson.
We've got to start somewhere.
So grab the marquee tool and select a rectangle of the
stone floor.
We're going to use a tool called Repousse.
And we're going to duplicate the background, go to 3D,
Repousse, Current Selection.
And Photoshop is going to turn this into a 3D object--
a 3D object that we can manipulate in space and-- and
actually turn into this stone pedestal, one that is worthy
of the power of the ring that sits upon it.
And we can-- we can use the 3D manipulator tool to
turn it in space to--
to scale it, change its size, to even move it back against
the wall to suggest that it's leaning up against there.
And we can even change materials.
We can change the shape, the bevels and all sorts of
details here.
Something I'm sure your almond-sized brain is
incapable of understanding.
The materials I created this material from some of the
stone wall.
We won't take time to clean this up.
We would make it look incredibly awesome, of course.
But time is of the essence.
And so we want to place the ring upon the pedestal.

And--
Cu-Tai, can you--
no, you can keep my robe.
But I--
I want My Members Only jacket back.
Our journey begins momentarily.
And now we want to do something bold.
Bolder than a cat traveling 17,000 miles to bring a ring
back to its rightful owner.
We want to create a challenge, a challenge to
the man and his son.
The only two people who are standing in
the way of our happiness.

The only two people that we need to take care of.

[BARELY RESTRAINED SOBS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Take me to her.
-[YELLING]
-Honey, there's someone here to help you.
-Untie me, you worthless, no-dick loser.
-The power of Christ compels you.
-[HISSES]
Ah, screw your help.
I'm Satan's whore.
I'll kill you.
I'll kill your family.
I'll feast on your boners in hell.
Ahhhhh!
-Ah.
Cast out ye vile serpent.
-I'll claw your flesh.
I'll suck you off.
[EXORCISM MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]
-I'm sorry.
Did you say--?
-I will suck you off.
-Maybe you should wait outside.
-What?
Really?
-Yup.
-But I mean, I really--
-Right outside, right here, right there.
-I think that maybe I should-- well, OK.
You're the expert.
-Things are about to get real sticky.

-Whoa!
Oh!
That woman is--
full of hellfire.
-Is she cured?
-I'm going to have to call in some colleagues.
She's a bit of a handful, if you know what I mean.
-I don't know what you mean.
-Yeah.
I'm going to wait in there.
-[GROANING]
-You were right.
It turns all the way around.
-Hey, weren't you wearing pants when you went in there?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
-I'll get it.
I'll get it.
-Thanks man.
-Excuse me, Father, but what the hell is going on here?
-Hey, language, son.
I'm a priest, for Christ's sake.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-You should be.
Hey, let's let these guys through.
Come on.
There we go.
Dominic, Marco.
All right, we're setting up on the right.
-Careful where you point that thing.
-It's OK.

-My man.
-Yes!

-[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Father.
Is it over?
-What?
Oh yeah.
Uh, whatever.
I'm starving.

-Honey, my god.
You're OK.
I will never let you go through that again.
-What are you talking about?
They're coming back tomorrow.
-You mean--
I don't understand.
You're still possessed?
-Possessed?
I was never possessed.
-What?
-Now untie me, you worthless no dick loser.

BETH HOYT: -Zzzz.
That was a sex video to shake you up on a Monday.
I hope your brains are rattling.
I sincerely take that back.
That'd be a bad thing.
That'd be not a good thing.
I forgot to breathe also the whole bit there.
Catching up on that.
Also remember this?
Umm, how did the man on the moon--
doesn't know he's on the moon anymore-- how did the man--
how does the man cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
But how does-- how does the man cut his lawn?
He--
eclipse it.
How--
how does-- how did the man get rid of his tags on his shirt?
He clips them.
What-- how-- what does Apple call the eclipse?
The i-clips.
OK, well, I hope you're happy.
I seriously, I hope you're happy.
I do.
I want-- and I really hope you're happy.
I'll see you tomorrow at 4:00 PM Eastern.
The great Dave Hill will be here.
His new book is called Tasteful Nudes and it comes
out tomorrow.
And man, I love him.
And then our big Wednesday show, we've got great new
video premieres.
And-- are you ready for this--
Gilbert Gottfried and the Daily Show's white snack.
Both of them live.
Not at the same time.
Just watch.
See you then.
Xoxo.