Hitchhiking Across China: Thumbs Up Season 3 (Part 2/5)

[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Thumbs Up!
China.
We got the most varied and different rides today.
We got picked up in all kinds of rides, except
they were very slow.
We just got dropped off by the generous and handsome,
pockmarked and pimply-faced Mr. Ji.
Very friendly, very horny.
If I've learned anything today, it's that if you have a
vagina life is much easier.
You just have to spread them a little bit.
You don't even have to give it up, you just have to tease him
a little bit.
So, I don't know where the fuck we are.
I think he dropped us off near some kind of river, but every
single body of water we've seen so far has been dried up.
I think we may be near an area that's the part Muslim, part
Chinese, I don't know.
But we're gonna go down this road and see
where it takes us.
Thumbs Up!
China.

Speaking of open legs, we're just walking down this road
and we saw the legs opening on this mountain.
Excuse me--
ni hao.
HARRY KIM (OFFSCREEN): Ni hao.
-Ni hao.
-Ni hao.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Ni hao.
-What's in the cave?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-In the hole.
What's in that dark, dark hole up there?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-He says little--
he says that it's like a midget nation.
-What?
-Because he said they're small.
-There's small people in there.
What's down this road?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-We look for adventure.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-We're looking for adventure.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-All right, so we're gonna have to investigate.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
We've been walking down this dirt road and we just got to
this gate that looks like the Great Wall.
Hey, look.
This is it, let's go.
Let's go into that village, dude.
It looks fucking amazing.
[DOG BARKING]
Hey, are you guys--
do you guys consider yourself Chinese cows or black cows?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-And how do the Chinese people treat you?
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
HARRY KIM (OFFSCREEN): Um, he says that's not cool.
[SHEEP BLEATING]
-Oh my god, look at all these sheep, dude.
-Hi, sheep.
-Dude, look at the--
-Hey, fuzzy.
-Look at the blue sheep, man.
They got mohawks on them.
[SHEEP BLEATING]

Oh, oh.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god, David.
-Oh.
The smell is so good.
It's the best smell I've ever smelled in my life.

-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-Please tell us.
We want this haircut on this guy.
All right, we're gonna go down the street.
Bye, baby.
[ROOSTER CROWING]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Ah.
-Yeah?
All right.
Thank you.
-Oh!
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Whoa.
That chicken's like--
-Hey!
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
Fight him, fight him, fight him.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Yeah, yeah!
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Fuck him up, chicken.
Damn.
-I'll be back.
[ROOSTER CROWING]
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Ah, you--
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): You realize he's very simple.
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Fuck that chicken up, Harry.
[HARRY FARTS]
[DAVID LAUGHING]
-Dude, that fucking chicken fucking kicked Harry and then
was like, "What's up, bitch?" And Harry was like, "This is
what's up--" Bbbrank!

All right, thank you.
[ROOSTER CROWING]
HARRY KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
[ROOSTER CROWING]

-We need a ride.
I'm tired of walking.

-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-Love the poo.
Very fun.
-Get in.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
-All right, I guess you get a seat up front.
-Here, get in that side.
[CAR HORN]
-What?
We're fucking going as fast as we can.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!
Woo-hoo-hoo!

Tractor ride!
Yeah.

It's never taken us more than five minutes to get a ride.
Everyone's super nice, nobody asks us for money or anything.
It's amazing.
The only problem is the rides are pretty slow, so let's see
if we can get faster rides.

-Hey, help her jump.
-As the sun sets over China, fucking Chinese people, we're
bringing the party to you.
You don't want to fucking show us where the good pussy's at,
you don't want to show us where the good food's at, you
don't want to show us where the party's at-- we'll bring
the fucking party to you.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
It's about 2:00 in the morning.
We're in Tuoketuo and we're just wandering the streets.
So far in China, we end up in these towns where there are
just streets of lights ands buildings but
there's no one here.
It's like a fucking zombie town.
And in all my years of hitchhiking--

I don't know.
I've applied it to every other aspect of my life.
I don't know why it didn't-- it just
came clear to me today.
When we get to trains, we jump on them.
But for hitchhiking, we're always asking, putting our
thumbs out.
It's almost like we're begging.
But, you know, humanity, humans in general, when it
comes down to it-- like, if you all of a sudden lose
everything tomorrow, within that week you'll resort to
three things, and every person is different.
You'll either start begging, you'll start stealing, or
you'll sell your own body.
So what kind of person are you?
So I don't know why I've been asking for
rides all these years.
We just started hitchhiking in China and we
thought it would be tough.
We just fucking take the rides.
We don't even ask, we just jump on the fucking vehicles
when they're there.
And then they get mad at us sometimes, and sometimes
they're like, get off, and we just don't get off.
And then they're like, fuck it, and they just keep going.
So let's keep going.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm out here with Stephanie.
She's like the Dazzler, the Jubilee, the Betty Braddock
Psylocke before she turned-- or after she turned Asian.
And with Harry, who's like the Logan, Weapon X, Wolverine,
Bishop, Longshot character from the X-Men of the
hitchhiking world.
And you know that thing I said before about just take the
ride, just jump on it?
Yeah, well that only works when Stephanie's with us.
We tried it earlier this morning and, uh, when dudes
just jump in a dude's car, the dude says get the fuck out in
really angry Chinese.
So, anyways, we're in--
hey, what's this town called?
-What?
-Tuoketuo.
-We're in Tuoketuo, and we're trying to get the fuck out.

I don't even know if Chinese people know what a thumbs up
is, but we'll try to figure it out.
[DRUMMING]
Hey, come on.
-Oh.
-Come on, come on, come on.
[BRAKES SQUEALING]
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Just jump in.
Yeah.

Jump in, Paul.

Our first-- the first fucking car that came by.

All right.
[LAUGHTER]

Well, whoever said you couldn't hitchhike in China
was a fucking idiot.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Thank you, thank you.

Judging by this billboard, we're somewhere where there's
beautiful lakes and radioactive atomic plants.
All right, let's go--
let's go explore.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[YELLING]
So we've been on the road for a little bit.
We're sort of like at the Chinese Grand Canyon.
And now, since Harry keeps tripping and shit, I'm drawing
some eyes on the side and the back of his head, so he can
look in every direction.
360, 365 days a year.
You look good, Harry.
I got you covered.
-Nice.
-I'm looking out for you, bro.
-Thanks, Dave.
-All right, let's get out of here.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Thumbs Up!
China.
We just took a tumble.
We just ended up back on the road.
I have no idea where we are.
All right, we're seeing a strange thing, and that's a
lot of fucking hitchhikers--
there's this guy right here.
It seems like they don't really do the thumbs up out
here, they just go up to cars and just ask them.
Aw, dude, that guy just got a ride over there.
So, OK, I don't know what's going on.
Basically, we've seen more hitchhikers in the last hour
than we've seen in all of China.
We're trying to figure out if it's just this intersection.
Ni hao.
-Ni hao.
-Ni hao.
-Are they looking for a ride?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
They're waiting for a ride.
-They're waiting for a ride?
Do they know what this means?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
I think they said it means "very good."
-Oh, very good?
-Very good, very good.
-Here, stand over here.
So how long have these-- has he been waiting for?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Not very long.
They just got here.
-How come there's so many hitchhikers-- like, where is
he going?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]

-They're going east, we're going south.
Nice to meet you, we gotta split ways.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-We gotta go that way.
We're not going the same direction.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Look at that.
You don't even fucking have to try out here.
People just pull over and give you rides.
-Huh?
-All right.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Good luck.
Good luck, man.
-Good luck.
-Good luck.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-People out here, they just fucking pull over
and give you rides.
You don't even have to stick your thumb out.
There's another guy.
Everyone's just fucking giving rides out here.
I love this town.

STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
-OK.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Hey, zoom in on his tattoo.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
-What does this mean?
The four--
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-The five dots on his forearm, right there.
[MAN CHUCKLES]
What does it mean?
What does it mean?
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): That's some gangster shit.
That's how many people he's killed?
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
[LAUGHTER]
-That's some gangster shit.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): Jackie Chan, Jet
Li, and Chow Yun-fat.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]

-You're a dangerous man.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-He hasn't fucked anyone.
-It's how many people he killed, right?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-That's some gangster shit or some jail shit.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Look, there's even more shit over there, dude.
This is weirdest fucking placing I ever--
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): This is like migrant worker
intersection.
-Let's get out of here.

So after wandering around all morning, we ended up at what
either looks like a gigantic tit or a--
I guess we've been hearing from the gas station
attendants and people that we run into that this is sort of
like a gateway area to the Muslim country area.
It looks like a mosque or something, so
let's go check it out.

So, it's not a place of worship.
It's a fucking restaurant.
Mongolian barbecue, let's eat.
Come on.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Yeah!
HARRY KIM (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
[DRUMMING]
-Freeze!

Uh, I don't think they're impressed.
Ask her if we can eat for free now.
Can we--
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]

-All right, thank you.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): OK.

-I don't know if it's a mirage, but what does that
look like to you?
We're gonna head in that direction.
I think that's the way to go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, fuck.
Good morning, everyone.
It's another beautiful day in China.
Yesterday, we tried to put on a live improv show for these
Mongolians to try to get free food or even a place to stay,
but they weren't having it.
I don't think they were impressed.
We ran into a bunch of migrant workers that were
trying to get rides.
They're like the Mexicans that hang out in front of Home
Depot of China.
That didn't work out either.
We are heading south.
The air smells good.
It's fresh.
Stephanie, wake up.
How you feeling, honey?
-Mm.
-All right, let's start the day.
-Ah!

-Oh shit, dude.
What's this?
-Oh wow.
-Get in the parade.
We just got into a parade with all chicks.
So, China has no porn--
I checked.
We got here, all the porn sites X'ed by the government.
Like Big Brother, they monitor everything.
So I have to imagine all these girls have huge bushes and
faint mustaches.
What me and Harry are doing now--
I don't know what Stephanie's doing--
is we're marching with all these beautiful women and
we're gonna collect as many masturbation material for our
spank banks as possible.
Look at Harry.
Look at that fucker go.
[WOMAN SQUEALS]
I guess, uh--
Harry's a pimp in Africa, he may be a pimp in America, but
when we get to China, his skin is a sin.
He might just be too dark for these girls out here.
Ni hao.
How are you doing?
In America, you almost see no Asian homeless people, but how
can you avoid that in China?
This is a hairstyle they can rarely be pulled off by Asian
people, but somehow this guy knows how to
rock it just right.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, you think Chinese people can understand this sign?
-Uh.
-Yeah, it looks like Chinese characters.
-OK.

-Ew.
-That shit'll run, dude.
-Ew.
-Dude, I think these people want to give us a ride.
-Oh.
Here, let's get in.
Let's jump in.
-All right.

-Scoot in.
Scoot in, everyone.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): What do they do?
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE (OFFSCREEN): What do they do?
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
-We were holding a sign, said you can dry hump any one of
us, and we were applying makeup.
So the fact that these guys stopped, I don't know what
that means about them, but I love it.
I love it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Oh shit, dude.
They just drove into an alley and now
it's not funny anymore.
No one's laughing or smiling.
And there's--
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Oh, it's a police station.
- --a police station.
OK, this--
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): [SPEAKING CHINESE]
-You guys just dropped us off at a police station.
-Oh man, that's horrible.
It's like--
-Xie xie.
So we got picked up by two police officers and they took
us to the police station.
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): And then they farted in the car.
-And then they farted in the car and it was fucking
disgusting.
-Trying to gas us out.

Thumbs Up!
China.
This is me, Dave Choe, on the road with Stephanie, my cuz,
Harry, my cuz.
We're in a bathroom somewhere.
We were in Xingye, now we're in--
I don't know where the fuck we are.
Yan'an something.
I'm gonna tag some shit, we're gonna get hitting the road.
We got to find a ride, head south.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[HARRY GRUNTS]
Fuck all those people who said we couldn't get
free rides in China.
Yeah!

So, I don't know where we landed.
We got picked up by cops today.
Didn't really know what to think of it, so
it's kind of weird.
They drove us to their station.
We played it cool.
We got out of the car and then we fucking ran.
We changed our clothes.
I think we're gonna outsmart them.
No cops in America and no cops in China are
gonna keep us down.
Anyways, we got this guy over here.
This is the Chinese Shire, I think.
So, Stephanie, why don't you-- uh, is this your home?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
OK.
Yeah, he says he lives here.
-OK.
Does he have a family?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-No, no.
-Ask him if he wears bare-- if he walks barefoot.
Is he a Hobbit?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Do they-- are they gay or do they, do they--

do they self-procreate?
How do they come to be?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
Oh.
He said that this is how they do it.
Like, that's how he does it in his hometown.
-Dude.
Yeah, it looks like Harry's always
working the charm, dude.
-Can you speak Chinese?
-Oh!
It's English!
Oh, English!
So good, so good.
-I know a little.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's cool.
So which one you live in?
He's gonna show us his home.
This is--
oh, wife number one, two, three, four, five, six.
Six?
Six wives?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-So every night, every night.
There's seven days a week, so who gets to sleep with you on
the seventh day?
Somebody must get a back to back turn or something.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Oh, it is the Shire, see?
These Chinese Hobbits, they're called-- they said they're
called "Chobbits." This is where they live.
You know, they must be really small, so.
I can eat this?
-Yes, yes, yes.
-Oh, this is where the men go to relax, right?
Oh, that's definitely my kind of wallpaper right there.
Definitely really cute, you know?
Beautiful, beautiful.
Hey, Harry--
-This guy?
-I don't know.
You're, you-- that's a sacred bed.
Come on.
Come on, now.
[DOG BARKING]
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Oh, whoa, whoa.
[DOG BARKING]
-Come on, Harry.
I want to take you home.
I'm gonna take care of you.
[DOG BARKING]
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
In China, is it like dog-eat-dog?
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Dog--
STEPHANIE KIM (OFFSCREEN): Dog-eat-dog.
Man-eat-dog?
-[SPEAKING CHINESE]
-Oh, you have something?
Oh.
OK.
All right, so say bye-bye to him.
Bye-bye.
Thank you, thanks dude.
Awesome.
That was cool.
It's cool, dude.
There you have it.
China's Chobbits.
They floss like Mormons, they got six wives--
one of them's a lucky one, gets to hit
him twice in a week.
Really hospitable.
I don't know, maybe he was like into Stephanie, he wanted
a little panda love.
But yeah, that's--
I think that's--
-Yeah, I was getting that vibe where he was trying to pick up
on me.
-You know, this day started off real stressful--
getting picked up by the cops, changed the outfits, going
into hiding--
but now I think we're cool.
I think we're covert.
No one can find us.
We're all good.
Let's go.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[CAR HORN]
-Shit, shit.
Get in, get in.

Harry!
-Come on, Harry!
[MUSIC PLAYING]