Dark Castle - Angry Video Game Nerd - Cinemassacre.com

*subtitles by mslurr*
He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the angry Nintendo nerd
He's the angry Atari-Sega nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
This is gonna get scary.
Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit. You know, NES.
Why's there so many crappy games on NES?
I mean, y'know, they have lots of great classic games as well,
But its precious library was being used by all these half-assed game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.
So, I'm going to take a break from all of that and just try out a Sega Genesis game.
Yeah, moving up to 16 bits!
That was a big deal at the time.
You remember the commercials, right? "Genesis does what Nintendon't."
Well, I have this game called "Dark Castle"; let's seee how much this one does.
Oooh, scary! There's some good 16-bit graphics.
Even that vulture looks fuckin' depressed.
What the hell is this?
A ghost giving a castle a blowjob?
The game starts up with no storyline. No explanation, no nothing.
You're just some guy standing in a castle who looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, or perhaps Peter Pan with a mullet.
You have multiple doors to choose from. Two of them have question marks, but it doesn't make any sense because every room is just as much a question as the others.
This one says BK on it.
What the fuck does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope!
If I go in there and I'm getting served hamburgers, that would be the tits.
Once inside, it becomes a platform game, and it looks like shit.
Come on. Fucking bats? How cliché!
Man, that dragon sure looks scary!
I'm going to have nightmares over that.
Could they have made the dragon look any more cute?
Oh, that's neat, graffiti on the walls.
"Gamers Rule" and wh-wh-WHAT?
"Saddam was here?"
As in... Saddam Hussein?
What was he doing going around writing on castle walls?
And, "Gamers Rule?"
That's the same handwriting!
Hm.... So, Saddam was a really hardcore gamer?
....wow.
The music. It's just one loop. One, single piece of music that plays over the whole fucking game.
It's the most cliché horror music they could have found.
You recognize it. It's that famous Bach composition. You know, the one that everybody thinks is from Dracula?
Once you've heard it for a half hour straight, you get sick of it!
Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to turn it off at the right time, when there isn't a note playing.
Or else, it sustains it.
Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?
Didn't anybody test this shitty thing out?
Also, whenever you die, the music comes back on again, so you have to keep turning it off!
The giant, fatal flaw with this game is the control.
It looks like I'm playing like shit, but I'm actually trying my best.
The controls are fucked up beyond belief, and that's the hardest thing to explain.
There is no way I can do it justice. The only way to know is to play it yourself.
And I fucking dare you.
The first problem is that you're nearly defenseless. The only weapon I found is rocks that you throw.
Couldn't this guy get a sword or something?
And the way you throw them defies all common sense when it comes to gaming.
You don't just hold the D-Pad in the direction you want to throw.
Instead, you have to gradually turn your arm around in a clockwise or counter-clockwise motion until it's pointing in the right direction.
Try doing this when there's a million enemies and projectiles trying to kill you!
There's not enough time to turn your arm around before you're dead!
Why couldn't this just operate like any normal game?
Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.
Even the stairs are a complete pain in the ass.
It's hard getting on the stairs; it's hard getting off the stairs!
The game simply doesn't do what you tell it to do. You rock the D-Pad all over the place until you get lucky.
Trying to grab the ropes? That's another thing. I don't even understand how it works!
Sometimes you get lucky;
and other times you don't.
The strange thing is that it's not like the character's missing the ropes; he just stops in mid-air and falls straight down!
Trying to pick stuff up? Down and B.
Would it be too much trouble to ask to just be able to walk over the item? To be able to touch it without having to stop and risk getting killed?
As you notice, you can duck; you can do this by pressing down and B,
But it only ducks for like a second.
To stay ducking, you have to press up and B.
Yup, pressing up to duck is pretty fucked up!
But other than that, I just can't describe how this control feels!
It is so awkward and stiff that I honestly thought something was wrong with my controller.
That is totally inexcusable to make a game where the challenge is not in the game itself, but in handicapping the player!
You have better luck playing Silver Surfer with the Power Glove!
Some of the games that have the worst control are Karate Champ on NES,
and a lot of ones I've reviewed already like Spiderman on Game Boy, Kid Kool on NES, the Zelda CDI games, Terminator 2 on SNES...
any of the Action 52 games, Lester the Unlikely on SNES, and I believe I said Winter Games on NES was the absolute worst when it comes to control.
But now that I've played Dark Castle, this might take the cake.
It's hard to compare because they're two different kinds of games.
I'd say at least for a platforming game, this is the worst I've played yet.
And out of all the shit I've played, That's saying a lot.
This game has sucked its fair share of ass, but now it's going for some more!
Your character is a total buffoon. everywhere you try to walk, he trips over things.
You'd think his fucking shoelaces are tied together!
Then he keeps getting dizzy. I don't know why it happens, but it happens constantly.
He steps on something or touches something or whatever, and he starts spinning around which leaves you vulnerable to attacks!
This "dizzy" bullshit should be reserved for fighting games like Street Fighter.
Even there I think it's annoying. It just gives the other person a free shot.
But at least it makes sense because you're getting hit in the head.
This guy, it doesn't even matter! He gets touched on the foot and he gets dizzy!
He also has no ability whatsoever to drop down from any height.
He can be two fucking feet from the ground and it kills him, or it sends him into a spinning frenzy.
There's random pitfalls everywhere, trap doors open up, anvils fall on you, it's a nightmare.
To make things even harder, none of the enemies ever seem to die!
Hit 'em with a rock, they fall down for about five seconds and get right back up.
Meanwhile, you're still trying to windmill your arm around to kill the other guys, so you're never going to be able to kill everything on the screen.
It's hard enough to navigate this guy without stumbing all over the place.
They make it as difficult as it can possibly be.
And if that's not enough, they have to fuck you in the ear with obnoxious sound effects!
It's as if the game is literally making fun of you.
On top of everything, it's one of those maze-like mindfuck games where you never know where to go!
Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? ...Nope.
Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends.
Well if it's a dead end, why can't they make it look like a dead end?!
Put a wall there or something! Why does have to look like a wide open passageway?!
Anywhere you fall down drops you into this torture room where people are being whipped.
I'm not even kidding by saying I've been playing this game for about a half hour and I've somehow ended up in this same room probably a hundred times.
It's like playing a monopoly game where every space on the board says "GO TO JAIL", and there's no way out.
*Sigh* I happen to find a key, but I can't figure out what it does.
I tried every spot I could think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull.
Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!
This is, beyond any doubt, the worst Sega Genesis game I have ever played.
There's gotta be something I'm doing wrong. Let me see, maybe it's on a really high difficulty level.
Yeah, let me see what I could do here...
EASY?!
It was on Easy?
That's their idea of fucking easy?
What, are they out of their minds?
All right, let's flick that shit flick that shit switch, let's turn that diarrhea dial, it's Dark Castle. On C. D. I!!
Since this is a more advanced console, you'd think maybe this one would be a little better, right?
Well, the graphics are even cheesier and more cartoonish.
And the controls... Oh my fucking god, it's even worse.
I can barely even fucking move!
The control is impossible! You can't control it!
You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!
I keep dying instantly on the first screen!
I can't even move an inch before I get bombarded with a Space Invaders ensemble of bats!
Geez! You can't even let me walk two feet before raining enemies down on me?
It still takes just as long to aim your arm at somebody!
And you can get dizzy just by jumping!
Oh, a platform dropped. What, I stood still too long? You can't stand for more than two seconds?
The stairs, good Lord. I just keep slipping all over the place. Why can't I do anything?
The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself!
It's like mixing shit with turds!
It's the most heinously anus ever conceived by humankind!
It's a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!