You Suck at Photoshop - Distort, Warp, & Layer Effects

DONNIE HOYLE: My name is Donnie.
You Suck at Photoshop.
You do.
You're awful, and that's why you're here.
All right, let's get started.
Let's say, uh, you recently--
your 30-day trial for your screen casting software
stopped working after 11 months, and so
you had to pull out--
you had to do something different, and different's OK.
We--we had to pull out a video camera that we--
that you'd bought when you thought you were going to have
a-- you thought were going to have a kid, and you were going
to make a whole lot of money by selling videos of sneezing
babies and--
and spit up videos t-- you know, because that's what
people like to watch on the internet.
And--
but that didn't work out, so now you found a use for the
video camera, which is to replace the stupid, clearly
not free software that you thought you had.
Ss-- so what are we gonna do this week?
I mean, we--
[SIGHING]
what--
I mean-- what else can I do?
It-- you just--
you've--
I--
I--
I've tried so hard to teach you, and yet you
continue to be stupid.
You know, we-- we--
I was looking back on the last year or so, and, you know,
looking at all the things that you learned, and, well, the
things that you didn't learn.
I mean, we-- you know, you learned nothing.
And, sure, I mean, you got to see the greatest Photoshop
painting of all time created, and that helped.
Well, I don't think that helped at all.
I mean, I--
it probably did more harm than good just because it just-- it
just destroyed your confidence in-- in your abilities.
So, you know, we saw a friend's world fall apart
before our very eyes.
We-- we used Photoshop to--
to record messages to our estranged stripper wife.
We lost things that were important to us.
We--
[YAWNING]
we--
we created sound proofing to--
to mask the inhuman activity that's going on in the hotel
room next to us.
We tried to cover up a stupid mistake.

Enough said on this one.
You know, we dealt with terrible family issues.
Ditto.
We tried to go to a special place, but
it just didn't last.
We--
we worked with some things we knew we'd never be able to
touch, although after lessons learned, we discovered that
probably wasn't such a bad thing.
We tried to find the inner beauty under the hair.
We used Photoshop for justice, blew up Mexico, made some
money on eBay, shut down seven years of pain and misery,
[SIGHING]
hurt the innocent.
And that brings us back to the beginning.
You know, the--
where all the trouble began.
I mean, we--
maybe-- maybe what happened was we just made some stupid,
stupid decisions with Photoshop that--
that ended up having a--
like the Ashton Kutcher thing, where you did one thing in
Photoshop, and then on--
that changed everything down the line--
That '70s Show.
Th-- this--
this is our chance to go--
[SIGHING]
to go back in time and fix things.
Maybe Photoshop will allow us to do that.
The big question we have to ask ourselves is who are you?
Who--
who is Donnie Hoyle?
What kind of a man is Donnie Hoyle?
Is--
is he the man to put a copy of his marriage certificate in
the windshield in an act of defiance
against somebody who's--
who's out to wreck his life?
Or is Donnie Hoyle the kind of guy that says, no, I'm not
going to let that happen.
I am not going to let somebody railroad me
and destroy my life.
I'm just going to get out of the way, and I'm gonna give
in, and I'm gonna roll over.
So what we want to do is--
yeah, this is-- this is our chance.
I mean, you know, how callous, and cavalier, and reckless was
the marriage certificate in the windshield?
I mean that was stupid.
We could have just bashed up the car a little bit and put
maybe-- you know-- set it on fire, but we
had to make it personal.
So now what we want to do is we want to say, dude, I made a
terrible, terrible mistake, and we want to-- we want to
make that message clear for him and for everybody to see.
So let's grab a brush, and what-- what we want to do is
just write a message that says, you know, I'm sorry.

Um, you know, enjoy my wife.
And-- and what we'll do is we're gonna--
we're gonna take this, and we're-- we're gonna to put it
right in the windshield.
So Command T to Transform.
And please don't talk back to me right now.
I want you to listen, and I want you understand this,
because I think this is the first and only right thing
we've ever done together.
Um, so we--
what do we need to do?
We need to flip it around so that-- so that he can see it
when he gets into his van and does his business, because
that's-- hey, it's not our business.
So Edit, Transform, Flip Horizontal.
Uh, Command T, and now what we're going to do is--
I-- hey, I know what you did.
Hey, listen, maybe you could-- shhh-- just stop using your
brain, which clearly doesn't work, and listen to me because
it's clear who the teacher and who the teachee is.
So let's Edit, Transform, Distort, and
we're going to just--
we're just going to tuck it right into this windshield--
and make it-- you know-- look like we-- we walked up without
any angry intentions.
And we just very friendily, you know, put our finger in
the frost and-- and made the message that is hopefully
going to clear everything up.
Um, and we just-- we can go to, uh, let's-- let's try, uh,
a Layer Effect Overlay.
That looks pretty good like it was written right
there in the frost.
And--
MALE SPEAKER: Hello, Donnie.
DONNIE HOYLE: What--
what-- what are you-- what are you doing here?
MALE SPEAKER: I'm going to kill you, Donnie Hoyle.
I'm going to kill you!
[SOUND OF A STRUGGLE]
MALE SPEAKER: Are you hugging me?
[SOUND OF A STRUGGLE]
DONNIE HOYLE: Rah!
Huh?
[SOUND OF A STRUGGLE]
MALE SPEAKER: Are-- are those tie thumb drives?
[SOUND OF A STRUGGLE]
MALE SPEAKER: You suck at fighting, and pleasing a woman
and-- and being a friend.
You're a douche.
DONNIE HOYLE: My name is Donnie.
[GUNSHOT]
DONNIE HOYLE: And you suck At Photoshop.
[GUNSHOT]
[MUSIC PLAYING]