Missing Persons

There, that's him--this'd be my most recent picture. Hot off the presses.
Ok...but this ain'tr eally gonna be much help...
Caller said the body looked pretty bad. Three weeks in saltwater mud...even beyond the decomp--you ever seen the muskrats out here?
Messed up! I'm sorry, you'll have to ID him in person.
Watch it! You just pulled the trigger there.
Then...why didn't it go off?
Hey, what's an undercover narcotics officer doing in the yearbook anyway?
Snookie always made the yearbook. He minded his own business--the kids appreciate that.... Hell, even I appreciated it.
You were friends? Snookie always made the yearbook. He minded his own business--the kids appreciate that.... Hell, even I appreciated it.
You were friends?
I hope so...but I don't think so. I was his boss; he kinda typecast me as the...y'know, exasperating dude.
Mm-hmm. Has he ever disappeared before? I hope so...but I don't think so. I was his boss; he kinda typecast me as the...y'know, exasperating dude.
Mm-hmm. Has he ever disappeared before?
Not--well, he cut a lot of classes, but...l'd drive out to his Mom's house on Long Island, he's just sitting out on the lawn.
l assume you checked--
Yeah, I checked. He's notthere. l assume you checked--
Yeah, I checked. He's not there.
Well, hopefully this is him in here!
No, hopefully this isn't him! Wait--is this a homicide case already?
Missing Persons. Homicide... These days it's all overworked task forces...won't take a case without at least fifty percent of a corpse--
My days in the division, I'd take the impossible cases. No corpse at all, or just a jawbone or...or a rectum in a plastic bag--can you imagine?
Best days of my career; no leads, but no pressure--I took it slow.
Yeah, or speed it up, how about? My guy could still be alive.
Aw, I'm plenty fast, mac. They call me the frigging lightning bolt.
Detective!
One of the cadets found the body.
It's no good. It's busted.
Up Crazy's Legs! Hang heavybag, finish workout!
Tomorrow, Computo...I'm wasted.
Grow strong. Build legs. Retrieve turf.
What happened to my bag that was up there?
Longshanks took.
Longshanks stole my heavybag? While I was in Riker's?
No. Last night.
What's this guy's problem? Can't give me two weeks to get back in shape?
Ow. What do you got your tanks in there? Nah! Got to be sand or something, Computo!
How's it go? Stretching, jumprope... Two rounds heavybag, forget that. Road-work? No, my knees are shot.
You have arthritis.
No, I just put a lot of wear and tear on them.
That's what arthritis is. No, I just put a lot ofwear and tear on them.
That's what arthritis is.
Sit-ups, push-ups--I can do in the tub...where's the medicine ball? Did that rat bastard kipe my medicine ball?
Other one. Skinny one. Daddy Long Legs.
Who the hell is "DaddyLong Legs?" Damn, Computo--where are the se assholes coming from?
Just a matter of time before one of them starts calling himself CrazyLegs. Then what are we gonna do?
Smash them! Reclaim Surf Avenue and Ocean Parkway!.
Thing is 'Puto...I don't know that I even need this shit anymore. It'd be different if we were hooked up with a cartel...steady supply of real drugs.
...steady supply of real drugs. But, I mean...I did a year...for what? Weed and shrooms?
Carbon monoxide? Is that--? That's not even a controlled substance!
Sold two shrooms today!. Carbon monoxide? Is that--? That's not even a controlled substance!
Sold two shroomstoday!.
Two whole shrooms?!
Two eighths.
Two eighths.... Still, that can buy groceries and gasoline. How much did you get for them?
Plainclothes cop.
Nah, a cop would have locked you up, Computo -- everybody wears clothes! ... Except Longshanks.
I know what you me n, though. They ALL look like cops since I got busted.
Half-speed, Ok? And watch the knees!
Hm! No head, no hands. This could be anybody; I have no clue.
I give up. You found him?
Uh...don't worry, you could keep the reward. You told me to march in here, all I did was march.
Mm. Did you disturb the body in any way?
l marched on him a little bit!
Wow...you ain't supposed to do that.
Yeah, right. Give me a break.
No, seriously! An officer finds a body, he's supposed to secure the scene. Preserve the... The evidence--
That wheel barrow track, for instance. You kinda did a number on it? Evidence! Dump-jobs are hard enough with heads.
But--you said "wheel" "barrow?" Because l never heard of a "wheel" "barrow" before.
Yeah? Try doing myjob. I got wheel-barrows coming out of my ass.
Ah, don't worry about it. Homicide won't waste man-power on this anyway--guy's been gone too long.
l don't know...did you get a load of them swans?
How many days do you suppose a corpse could survive on SWANS?
No amount of days. Nota CORPSE.
Uh...Sn--I mean...
Hey, what's your name, rookie?
Oh. Everybody just calls me "Snookie."
Ohhhh. Here, give it!
Oh, I know what that is! That's an under-water guy.
But... Aren't we supposed to be LAND guys?
That's the place. One stairwell, front AND rear fire-escapes. And go in hard--these guys are street-fighters, real bad-asses!
But...watch where you shoot! Tip we got says their clientele, the se days, is mostly high school kids!
Computo, the lab! They catch me with that, I'm gonna be going upstate this time!
Fire-escape, I ittle man! We're buggin'out!
Book it up to roof, 'Puto. Try and get to the drain-pipe.
You come, too! Book it up to roof, 'Puto. Try and get to the drain-pipe.
You come, too!
Don't worry, I ain't going back to jail! We'll meet at the safe-house, go!
Uh-ho! This jerk!
Round two, ass-face!
Let's DO lT!
Ronald McKenzie, detective second grade.
Is that that kid...Shhnookie?
Benjamin Roehl, detective second grade. Is that that kid...Shhnookie?
Benjamin Roehl, detective second grade.
Hey--it's Snookie, right?
Go around!
What are you...getting promoted?
John Funn, detective...FlRST grade?!
Wow!
Detective Funn has been with us for a whopping thirty six years!
Off--Ah --Aw...Suh! Officer...
Snoogie's here, folks!
Where is it? Oh, is it? Oh! No...
Snoogie is being promoted to sergeant, based on a long career of special assignment, undercover narcotics work.
We were having a special certificate made up...uh...for Snoogie.... But we didn't get it back from the printer's yet--I'm sorry.
[mumbled] I didn't want to be a sergeant anyway.
Snoogie, Snoogie! Snugie!
Congratulations, sergeant Snugie! And godspeed.
So...have you ever delivered pizza's before?
Sure!
Yes? Delivered for whom?
Men?
Men...what kind of men?
Pizza Men.
Ok, what have I got to lose? A pizza pie? I give you job.
Extra cheese?
No! We don't do tha there. Guy wants more cheese, he can order more pizza. That's going to 1413 Neptune Avenue.
Neptune's the other way.
Hey, Jimmy!. Put up another one of your famous "pizza pies," ah?
Oh, you got it! Hey, Jimmy!. Put up another one of your famous "pizza pies," ah?
Oh, you got it!
Pay your respects at the FUNERAL for the poisonous MOANSTER--we're sorry for your loss.
Look, but don't touch --even dead, he's still POlSON!
Uh...Computo, do me a favor? Cut it off about the three foot mark. The thing's more trouble than it's worth.
I'm gonna beat this thing, man --I could survive this!
You sell anything today?
Gotta move some product, dude--if we're gonna make a go of this. Your problem, you're too stiff--you look like a narc.
Gotta be crazier--like me! Go right up to them.
Druuuggss...get high...please...PLEASE!
Eat food. Drink Coke.
They think they shut us down? Please! Shut down a pair of legs, that's all. Legs is a luxury item--we don't need those shit-stacks.
l appreciate your coming all the way out here. A cadet with your resume--probably been getting all kinds of calls!
Yeah.
Yeah? Phone's been ringinig off the hook, huh? Yeah.
Yeah? Phone's been ringinig off the hook, huh?
Yeah-yeah. ...Yeah! yuh.
How many offers you get?
Oh, I must've got... Two DOZEN of them. How many offers you get?
Oh, I must've got... Two DOZEN of them.
Wow. Well, hey!. Thanks for making time for me.
Aw, don't worry about it. Wow. Well, hey!. Thanks for making time for me.
I'm guessing...Missing Persons ain't at the top of your list, then. Aw, don't worry about it. Wow. Well, hey!. Thanks for making time for me.
I'm guessing...Missing Persons ain't at the top ofyour list, then. Aw, don't worry about it.
I'm guessing...Missing Persons ain't at the top ofyour list, then.
I'm guessing...Missing Persons ain't at the top of your list, then. Besides...you must've left two DOZEN messages for me. Some kind of a...missing... Type? Wasn't it?
Besides...you must've left two DOZEN messages for me. Some kind of a...missing... Type? Wasn't it?
You were going on about...
Yeah. Couldn't find one...or... Trying to find him... And GET him.
l got him!
So, what are you looking at, then --homicide.
Don't move! (He's onyour leg.)
It's...some kind of a.... Hey, what is that thing?
Let's get out of here!
I was the same way, when I was your age --all I wanted to work was homicides.
What are you -- twenty two?
Yuh. Wait... Twenty nine?
Twenty nine...no, I was already here. My son would've been your age.
Oh, yeah?
Little older.
What's his name? I been at most of the schools around here. Little older.
What's his name? I been at most of the schools around here.
Nah, he never--he was just a little guy. Little "Baby Sugs."
Shrooms!
We're cops!
But, you know--there's more to police work than investigating deaths. Don't turn your nose up at Missing Persons just because we got no criminals to put away.
I'm not turning my noses up. I WAS an undercover criminal, I didn't even like those guys.
Bet you...find alot ofyour "missing fellers" in there!
Well, we don't find that many. You were the first one in a while for me that wasn't...stone-cold dead.
And if you weren't a cop, I wouldn't even have been looking for you.
Oh, nice! Who knows when I'd have turned up? And if you weren't a cop, I wouldn't even have been looking for you.
Oh, nice! Who knows when I'd have turned up?
Well, missing kids, you know--mentally handicapped people, we investigate. Adults...most of the time they're just people that decided, for one reason or another, to walk away from their lives.
Part of the job's to protect that right. Sounds sleazy...
It is sleazy.
It's not, though. Most of them have really messed up lives. It is sleazy.
It's not, though. Most of them have really messed up lives.
It's not, though. Most of them have really messed up lives. Yeah, um...pay-one-price?
Yeah, um...pay-one-price?
What about you? Why'd you go AWOL?
l got accepted at the police academy!.
Yeah, but--you were already a cop!
And that's probably what got me in, right? I did better the first time I took the exam--back when I was, like you said, twenty two.
How long have you been divorced?
What? Thirty years. Why?
Yeah, me and myold lady just split up. It's rough on the kids!
Why don't you take him to the movies, or someplace indoors?
No-no! This is Sgt. Snookie!
Cool beans.
So, wait--if theacademyturnedyou down, how'd you even get on the job?
I went in there! Rapping on the door. Told them, "Here I am. I want to be a cop. My name--LET ME IN--my name's--" So, wait--if the academy turned you down, how'd you even get on the job?
I went in there! Rapping on the door. Told them, "Here I am. I want to be a cop. My name--LET ME IN--my name's--"
I don't think I said "Snookie."
These two 'mustaches' got a look at me, said don't worry about the academy--they got an undercover job for me.
What'd I know? A cop's a cop, right?
Seven years, no precinct or nothing--no gun!
Y'know--they didn't give me this uniform
This is MINE!
The Whirligig is closed.
Is this a whirly gig? Aw, forget it.
Come on.
Wait. Why don't you go on this Tilt-A-Whirl?
Shrooms?
We're cops, dirtbag--beat it!
That's the same exact one I was just on! We're cops, dirtbag--beat it!
That's the same exact one I was just on!
Bracelet cost me eightteen bucks...here, what about that haunted house?
Looks like we got ourselves another Whirlygig on our hands.
Right there--
Snookie!
Computo, you better get out of here--I think I just shot a cop!
Maybe not. Maybe nothing happened.
But it did. Why'd you have to bring me that gun? You of all people knowI'm not about guns.
I'm sorry. You seemed... Tired.
I'm not kidding here, 'Puto--drop me and get the hell out of here.
No! You go! Fly to freedom. Swim to South America.
My name is Dr. Lawrance Shikovsky, I'm a command historian for the United States Army.
And what is your primary area of interest, Doctor?
Following orders? Not getting court-martialed?
No, my official research pertains to the American fringe infantry divisions of WorldWar II--in particular The Grasping 63rd, which was the robotic battalion of the Pacific theater.
Whoah, you're gonna gotta give me minute, Doc, because I'm bugging out!
was the defendant in one of these...robotic nightmare battalions?
I have no specific knowledge about this model--he appears to have made extensive modifications to his initial design...
...But it's probably safe to say that all extant gasoline powered robots had their genesis in the robot corps...so, yes.
l knew it! How many defenseless nazis did this guilt-ball murder, anyway?
Were there nazis in the Pacific theater?
Answer the question, sir!
As I said, I'm not familiar with this robot...Computo's personal history...
... The military records are ridiculously classified. I only have access to tidbits... Trivia.
... The aggregate weight of the 63rd battalion.
Lay it on me.
I forget the figure...it's very large.
Yow!. So, then--how did these "murder machines" (or whatever) end up living among us?
All autonomous robots were emancipated in 1949 under the Turing amendment to the GI bill.
These poor devices were given no orientation to non-military society, they had no marketable job skills and...
...without even a trace of cognitive similarity to their fellow citizens, I mean--what did we expect?
Assimilation? That they would purchase automobiles? Marry our old maids?
Most of them ended up on the streets--I think it's very sad.
It is terrifying--because--what you're describing sounds to me like an unstoppable army of...mechanical cop-shooting vampires! ... Almost.
Defense has no objections--?
What are you eating, counsel?
Hot cream of wheat.
Your honor, this man is innocent!
I cannot, in good conscience, and wiLL not...dignify these proceedings by mounting a defense.
The best way to help my client seems to me to be...simply to sit here... And eat cream of wheat.
Hey, uh...you got any regular, over-the-counter type drugs?
Theo ther guy had, like... Aspirin, Doan's pills...
No? Well, could you stomp on my foot, then, so I don't feel it so bad in my back?
Yo, I ong time, no see, Longshanks. No? Well, could you stomp on my foot, then, so I don't feel it so bad in my back?
Yo, I ong time, no see, Longshanks.
Down here, Longshanks.
Take it easy, Longshanks! Everybody knows you got fast legs.
You should get a clock on that foot!
You gots crazy fast legs, Crazy-Legs!
I mean, Longshanks.
I didn't want to have to mention this out loud, because I made my peace with it, and I don't need nobody feeling sorry for me, but...
I ain't exactly fighting heavyweight here!
Let's do this hands-only, all right Longshanks?
Oh-ho-ho-Okay.
You're never gonna beat me, Longshanks --I was dead already and I fought my way back.
I'm invincible.
Yo, keep one eye on your legs, Longshanks--this guy's one sick mother-fucker.
Yo, Longshanks! Are you OK, Longshanks?!
The defense calls Fritz "Crazy-Legs" LeMay.
Put your left hand on the Bible and --your other left!
How are you feeling today, Mr. LeMay?
Ah, good days, bad days--nothing I can't handle.
Understood. About the bad days, at least. Is today a bad day?
Today? Nah! Today's my fuckin' birthday.
Happy birthday, Crazy-Legs. Keep mouth shut--why didn't you swim to location X, as discussed?
Computo, nah...you wouldn't make it in there.
They got me drugged up anyways, the years will fly by.
Just hold onto the corner until I get out...Longshanks is gone.
But are they even feeding you --Crazy's Legs?
Testimony?
Please go get pizza pie. Extra cheese?
Oh, no...couldja?
Clear!
What've you heard, kid? Any rumours?
So?
Oooo! Oh, and Gail--guess what?
What?
Manhattan South! What?
Manhattan South!
Oh! We've gotnews, too!
He ate solid food today.
Didn't you? What'd you eat? What did you eat?
He ate two teaspoons of confectioner's sugar.
It's shit work.
Yeah, robbery... There's just no--no motivation to solve the case. I just don't--
--this kid's cutting off his nose to spite his face!
Let him dehydrate, then--it's the only way he's going to learn.
It's 'cuz we'rew atching! He did the same thing this morning, I caught him chugging from the kitchen sink when I came out of the bathroom.
Did he eat anything at all today?
A couple tablespoons.
Are--are you kidding me?!
Tablespoons of what? Molasses?
He won't eat molasses anymore. He won't eat brown sugar--he--he won't even eat the cheap granulated sugar anymore--
He only wants pure unbleached cane sugar.
On a detective's salary?! That's it, Gail--I mean--
This kid's got to start eating real food!
Real food!
G--Gail!
Come on....
It's OK, it's OK--Gail! It's OK.
We'll get through this, you and me.
You. Me... And our little Baby Sugs.
Papa! You. Me... And our little Baby Sugs.
Papa!
Papa.
It's just a trick, John. Papa.
It's just a trick, John.
Papa!
Heh...Snookie.
Hi, John.
How you doin', Emma? Is the kid all set?
I don't know--you all set, Charlie?
I moved your chairs to thebackyard--they were turning the lawn white.
That's OK. We're gonna go for a walk, anyway. We'll probably just head in after that.
His appointment's 9:30 sharp.
Snookie, take that thing off!
They all call me 'Snookie' down there.
So there's nothing really to worry about--as far as fitness to return to duty, that's all been settled.
They're gonna ask what you want, that's all.
And they're gonna give it to you, a'right? So--
But today's no day to be timid.
I'm not timid. You guys are all just 'dudes' to me.
I ain't afraid of...just dudes.
But--I'm like you, Snookie!
I didn't mean you, Sarge.
I'm not even a sergeant, you are.
Yeah. And wait 'til tomorrow.
Well, you can't ask them to raise your rank--that's civil service, got to pass the test.
No, the tradition is: cop returning from an injury gets his pick of any assignment for which he's...qualified to do the job.
Uh-oh!
What?
Let me have it.
Nothing, right? Not qualified to do nothing.
Snookie! You could be the chief of police if you just grew the mustache, like I asked you to.
That was aNassau Countycop!
Those guys are AWESOME!
Ah, they're better than nothing.
... Thing is, I've seen where these things always go south.
I ask for money, I'm gonna end up with a zero dollar bill.
I ask for more wishes, they might...go ballistic
...kill my Mom!
Think more realistic, then. Think in terms of police assigments.
Could I just ask to be a regular beat cop? Like the rest of those guys?
You could. I don't know how much we're going to like that.
That's not good? Not going back under cover--too old anymore. Getting crow's feet.
I agree. Time to move on.
Umm....could I do something with the...zzz...
...zoo?
Or else, I don't know--you tell me what to ask for.
Well, uh--firstly, I gotta say, these ares ome pretty outlandish demands!


l see you want to be made a detective. That's a pretty standard request, these circumstances.
Been on the force a while...mostly undercover, though--do you know what a detective does?
Yeah, he--figures it out! Listen, fellers, I--
... And then he--doesn't he come 'round from behind--uh, and he goes--
What I find kind of unusual is that an officer with your background would even want this assignment.
Transfer to homicide. Lower manhattan precinct. Only want to work unsolved cases, preferably high profile.
Not part of a task-force. Do you haveany prior homicide experience?
That's where The Guycomes in!
What guy?
Th--The Guy!. Skip down to the bottom, there--there's a guy down there.
What's his name?
Detective Guy-O.
And how do you spell that?
Put an 'O'on it!
Help!
Now listen up, you bums!
This kid is a hero cop! He took a bullet in--
--for this job, and never so much as whimpered.
He's got more street-time than either of you, and he's got talent coming out his...his ass.
Don't go, "ass."
And he ain't asking for the moon, either. Decent precinct... And a chance to work a few cases ain't being worked anymore, no how!.
We're well aware of the officer's qualifications... And sacrifices, Detective Guy-O.
The current discussion is about where you fit in.
Me? Screw me--this is about Snookie. I got thirty years.
You left him in ignorance out there so long, I thought maybe he could use a little guidance.
l worked homicide before--but SCREW me! ...I was almost shot too....
Yuh! You want me, gotta take Guy-O--it's part of the wish.
Now, grant'em wish.
Wait here. They might not be set-up yet.
OK, kid--try and keep it together here. These other guys probably ain't gonna be too thrilled with this arrangement.
Homicide's a pretty plum job. Guy's turn down promotions to work homicide. Me, I paid my dues...but you....
But it's all right, though, Snook--because...know why?
Because they can...can't they? Just...
Cram it?
Right! And also, soon as a newer guy shows up, you'll be part of the old school. Seasoned pro--seasoned vet, like me, Snookie! Cramit?
Right! And also, soon as a newer guy shows up, you'll be part of the old school. Seasoned pro--seasoned vet, like me, Snookie!
Seasoned Snookie?
What the hell is this?
That's that plank of particle board from down in the garage, right?
Ooh! Smell that formaldehyde! Looks stable enough, though--right?
I'm still trying to locate a couple chairs for you two gentlemen.
Aw, don't worry about it!
Alright, then! He could sit on that!
Gentlemen.
New York Boldest.
What's that? Yeah--we're the boldest! You got a problem with that?
New York Boldest.
Yup. Yup! New York's Boldest, that's right! You fuck with New York's Finest, you're gonna get fucked with by New York's Boldest.
Boldness.
Yeah, we have boldness. You got a problem with our boldness--come here!
See. Snookie doesn't blame modern man for the sins of the--what'd you say? Neanderthal man?
Right...it's like, I don't blame, y'know--you guys...for...y'know...
for the sins of the neanderthal man, right.
Why would I? That's ancient history. for the sins of the neanderthal man, right.
Why would I? That's ancient history.
Well...who do you blame? Who does he blame?
Uh...
He's laughing at you, kid.
Matter of fact, they're all laughing at him. We're the only detectives in the squad who don't--heh--don't have any cases.
I don't generally micromanage with detectives.
Have you brought this up with your lieutenant?
Yeah, but--he told us--
Ok! Ok, I just didn't know if.... The thing is, when I took you guys into this house... They told me you came with a restricted charter on the commission.
What's that mean...restricted charter?
Well, they said you only wanted to work unsolved homicides. Which is fine...we just don't seem to have any right now.
I know that gal. We went to high school together, when I was undercover.
She was always calling me, "Officer Snookie."
Bitch.
But, wait a minute! There must be fifteen unsolved murders on the board up there.
Unsolved is a term...it generally describes a long-standing status of the case. That was my understanding.
She was always flicking pencils at me.
She had a crush on you, kid.
I know she did.
Hey, Snokee.
I knew you were an undercover.
Do tell, Officer...uh...what's it?
Nic....NcMippo?
Everyone said you were a narc, I was just trying to blend in.
Were there any rumors about me?
Well, nobody really liked you, but...uh... That's not so much a rumor....
That gal, Franny...Froodle? Said you'd had a face-lift.
Real wrinkle-puss! I said, "shut up, Froodle! Everybody gets older."
Hmm. What precinct was Froodle out of?
Look, I'm not gonna reassign active investigations--that's not fair. But, would you be willing to work robbery cases until something turns up?
No. That's as low as it gets. No.
What about...sssshhhhhsshhnookie?
Right. No, like, "cookie," but with a snuh. What about...sssshhhhhsshhnookie?
Right. No, like, "cookie," but with a snuh.
I meant, does he feel the same way?
Robbery? Yeah, he feels the same way. Might as well give him a night-stick, stand him out on the stoop with these ding-dongs. Kid's a hero cop.
We may have a problem here, Snook. You--you might have screwed something up.
Hey, Snookie! Where'd you get all these fives?
Phone...number?
Y'know, if it's a case you're after--I got a case.
You don't got a case, do you Snook?
Yeah.
Is it amurder?
Uh...
Is the guy dead?
Well, it can't b emuch of a life.
Is it a robbery?
No, it's one of them old Missing Persons files you gave me to fiddle with while I was out.
The one you figure fell out of the airplane over Jamaica Bay.
I mean...I guess I kinda solved it already, but--there's some leg-work left to do.
Like what?
Like...we gotta find him. I know where he is...I just don't know where he's at.
Where is he?
I was looking through the file, right? And I get to the part where, "this is what he looks like," and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, THAT guy."
Y'know, because I seen him down there that time. Under the water.
A-Swimming.
Wait--underwater? You're talking about a corpse, kiddo.
Yeah, then here's the corpse that could eat a swan. He was breathing his brains out, feller!
Through a regular old plastic drinking straw.
So it's---nice case, huh?
It's the case of the GUY! I mean...
I meant... The case of the under water...breather guy.
Anyway, I was telling the gang all about it. They seemed pretty interested.
The Case of the Guy, huh? OK. How do we start?
Like this:
Could I borrow thirty five dollars?
No....
Riker's is a city facility. Short-term, a year or under, anything longer than that we ship them up state, uh... No....
Riker's is a city facility. Short-term, a year or under, anything longer than that we ship them up state, uh...
The problem with this Computo--state's accountant stuck a projected gas bill in the guy's file, based on thirty years of today's pump prices...
Now, naturally, Sing-Sing and Attica won't pick up the phone! I don't have that kind of budget for one inmate.
Well, uh...couldn't you just... Turn him off?
Umm...yes, but then he'd be serving no sentence.
Oh, right, right....
Right? Heh-heh. And when he woke up thirty years from now to a robot paradise, that would be pretty unfair to the police officer he shot...
...who might, y'know, be enslaved by robots at that point.
Could you overclock him? Or just swap in a faster clock chip? ...who might, y'know, be enslaved by robots at that point.
Could you overclock him? Or just swap in a faster clock chip?
That was his idea, speed him up, right? Make time pass faster for him, get him out of my hair... Two, three weeks, full sentence served.
Only problem...no chips.
No chips....
He's completely analog. Mostly tubes, a few primitive transistors--all of it's covered in barnacles. No chips....
He's completely analog. Mostly tubes, a few primitive transistors--all of it's covered in barnacles.
Bold.
Yup!
So bold.
Yup!
Boldness.
Yup!
I have his army specs here. Pretty useless, outdated stuff about...standoff armor baskets...detachable buoyancy tanks.
Who's this? Is that you?
Shrooms?
But it says he's rated to run on...potato alcohol, anything--what is it?
Anything that will burn.
Could we rig something through the sewage treatment facilities?
That would be more chemical engineering....
He must run on a simple LC oscillator--we should be able to speed him up with magnets.
Do you have a PSPICE model for this?
Hey, Snookie--check it out. I'm Captain Funn.
I'll make Captain before you do.
I know you will!
So, what are we looking for here, anyway?
The GUY!
I know...I mean, but...what's he got, like, gills or something?
Shut up!
But--I'm serious!
No, you were serious this morning. We were supposed to get a police boat, and I was gonna see if the gang wanted to come along.
I'm sorry, Snookie, but you know what? This ain't high school. Those guys have wives and husbands and kids.
Not everybody has time for this kind of stuff.
WHAT was THAT?!
I didn't see it.
Sit down, anus. You're gonna scare him away.
OK, this is a legitimate question: guy falls out of an airplane--
Gets chucked out!
Right. With his drink. And he survives, he's go this straw--yeah, here!
Why does he have to breathe through a straw? Can't he just swim up one more foot, stick his head out and breathe like a human being?
Well, yeah, good--we'll definitely tell himto do that, but--Come on, it's easy for us to think, we're up here lounging in the land of air and ideas. This poor guy...
...pretty busy with that straw.
Alright... Alright, so then he dog-paddles three hundred miles, underwater, back to the dock where you saw him?
But then he just turns around and heads back out to sea--that's what I really don't get, why he didn't climb out. I mean, he made it! You said he saw you.
Yeah! He SAW me. Think...detective.
This guy isn't in high school. He knows how it is, you try and get out from under...so what, he made it.
There's always a dude there...waiting to kick you back in.
I'd like to think I wouldn't have done it...but...y'know.... Nobody ever called me Saint Snookie.
I'd like to think I wouldn't have done it...but...y'know.... Nobody ever called me Saint Snookie.
I'd like to think I wouldn't have done it...but...y'know.... Nobody ever called me Saint Snookie.
Thanks, water-man.
Huh? Oh, ah! The under-water man!
No, every time I ask for something to drink, you get water--just to spite me.
I didn't think you drank coffee.
There's a soda-machine right outside. And don't pretend you didn't know, 'cuz I saw you over there... That time.
Ho, there! Detective Funn!
What the hell is this, a retirement incentive?
Didn't you ask me for that?
Healy, you'll retire before I do. Didn't you ask me for that?
Healy, you'll retire before I do.
OK, must have got my signals crossed!
ln case you're interested, filing deadline on that's close of business today.
Didn't they used to pay detectives NOT to retire after they had their twenty?
That's all civil servants, not just cops.
That one's a dud! Most of these are duds!
Why don't you wing an M-80 in there?
Hey, Snook! Start the car, we're going on a quest!
Yo, give it!
Queens Plaza, gentlemen. Congratulations, you are now ex-convicts.
Those of you with no one to pick you up are entitled to a complimentary Metrocard.
That's got two pre-paidfares, get you anywhere you want to go.
Except back to jail. You'll have to arrange that with your local precincts.
Screw jail, man. I'm gonna be a motivational speaker. Talk to kids and stuff.
Yeah? Well, good for you--
Should we split up?
No!
Cover more ground!
Snookie! You don't even know what we're looking for.
Deputy Commissioner of Management and Budget. Look for...DCMB.
Hear that gerwhoozing sound?
How far underground you think we are?
We were going up, Snook.
And you know what else I was thinking? If there even are these letters, DCMB--I don't think we're never gonna find them.
You're right, kiddo--it's too late.
Hey, uh... Autumn retirement incentive. Filing deadline. It's today?
Today, tomorrow, anytime before the end ofOctober.
You dirtbag.
Snookie....
I'm not doing you any good here, Snook. I'm drowning and I'm dragging you down with me.
The keyto a successful reintegration into society is making changes. Changes to the way you used to lead your life--OK?
The definition of insanity is doing the samething over and over again, expecting different results. You're not insane, are you?
Then you have to make changes. First, you have to stay away from drugs and alcohol, OK? These are conditions of your parole.
Second, you have to stay away from your old running buddies. That's an easy one. I'm toldyou served 47 years of a 30 year sentence. Running buddies don't generally last that long.
What else? You're gonna have a curfew. It will be strictly enforced. And you're going to have to find ajob.
What's this, your resume?
This is not an employment agency. Your pre-release counselor should have advised you on how to go about finding ajob.
If a resume is all the help you got, then what can I say? Somebody screwed up.
You screwed up. 47 years ago, you shot a police officer. Now you have to get a job.
Who is it?
Shr-shr-shr....Shrooms.
Son of a bitch. Look who it is.
He's doing OK, you know--the guy you shot. They guy your pal shot, I don't know.
Detective now. My old job, Missing Persons. Right here in Coney Island.
Hang on aminute. I'll get you your tip.
Know what? Here's your tip. Get the hell out of here.
Not my apartment, Coney Island. New York State. Pull a Snookie, get the hell out.
What are you, on work release?
Good for you. Work hard.
Yeah, my pal Snookie see...he don't think like you and me. He don't like his situation, he's out of there.
And money? lt don't mean nothing to him. I don'think? Not the same thing.
My pal Snookie.
I was gonna give him a call today, but...now I thinkl'lI just drop by the station house some time and we'lI just...y'know...see how it goes.
Because, what's he gonna do--spit poison in my face?
Come on, get out!
Yo, champ! Check it out! Spaghetti with cocaine sauce.
Looks like spaghetti with NO sauce.
Negative. Cocaine sauce.
Is it hot?
It's...cold? lt was hot!
How much?
How much you got?
l don't have time for this.
Hey, 'Puto--what do you think about heading down to South America some time?
I'm for it.
Yeah...make some connections...nice vacation...be a long swim, though. You sure you'reup for it?
Assuming my buoyancy tanks are still air-tight. Yes, I can make it.
Ok, I might be the weak link there, come to think of it. Maybe we install a Captain's chair? On your head?
Call me: Chair-Head.
Yeah...head south for a while. Recharge. Can you navigate, Chair-Head?
Not with any accuracy. Not anymore.
Aww....
But we'll get there.
Hello, I'd like to report a missing person. A missing robot, rather. And a piping hot pizza pie.
Clues!
Ah! So what's the story on this guy you're looking for?
Once upon a time...I don't know!. That's what we're gonna find out, right?
I mean, who is he? What's his name?
Oh, yeah--um.... I don't think he has a name.
Well, he's got to have one.
No.
Sure!
No! What about... That guy! What's-his-name?
Umm... This guy's friend.
Hewas real funny-looking....
Well, I guess you win, because I can't think of his name.
Well, they both got a name--everybody has a name.
Is it...Snookie?
Naw, you're Snookie. Right, Snook?
Yeah! Hey, why're you always calling me Snookie, anyway?
Oh, I don't mind! Actually, I kinda like it. A-Snookie!
How's--you say it? Snewkie?
Cookie with a Snuh.
Snuh.
Did they put you on the Computo case?
I think so... Did they put you on the Computo case?
I think so...
Big Puerto Rican dude?
Computo, no. He's that little robot dude.
Oh, right-right-right! I thought you said COMputo. There's his hat!
Well, then--this is just a parole jump, Snook. No mystery to it.
I think there's alot of mystery... TO it.
Yeah?
Sure.
Like...what's he up to? And...where'd...he get to?
Hah! Actually, yeah! That's Missing Persons, that's what it is. You're interested in that stuff?
I'm interested in... ALL that stuff.
Me, too. I kinda had you pegged as a...law and order, crime and punishment type.
Me? I'm the same TYPE as you! Missing Type!
Not...punishment type!
Hey, this is the place then. Wish l'd have known. Could've saved you--both of us... A lot of grief.
Yeah, well--we were never really gonna be part of that gang anyway, right?
It's like you told me, one time, about grown-ups--how it's illegal to even look for'em.
Because they know us "types" are better off left...not being found.
No matter how much we want to be...or try to get.
I should've left you where I found you?
Mmmm, yeah, or the other way around. Because, if you remember--I'm the one that found Old Snewkie, way bac kwhen...
You just got blamedfor it.
l got promoted for it!
And I feel real bad about that.
I shouldn't have dragged you up with me, you were happy as a clam down here.
I think I did most of the dragging...but yeah. A young cop could do a lot worse than this assignment.
And I will!
Naw, I'm gonna try to tread water here as long as I can.
But we both know I'm gonna end up commissioner one day, whether I grow the mustache or not.
Don't.
I'm not gonna!
Thanks.
A'right, web etter get in there--losing daylight. We'll split up?
You go over here, I 'll go up and down over there--we'll probably find him in two seconds.
You might, not me! ...I take it slow.
Crime...punishment... Type?!