Massholes Episode 3: How To Ditch A Stage 5 Clinger

PADDY: You have some fucking issues that you need to
fucking deal with.
And you're batshit fucking crazy.
Chick's a babe, right?
I'm mean, she's smoke.
But I'm just not going to do it.
I mean, she wants me to do it, I know it's important to her.
But what do you want me to say?
It's not who I am.
I'm not going to change.
MARGUERITE: Oh, yeah, piss off.
Tell me what the thing is.
PADDY: Here's the most articulate thing I can say to
you right now--
fuck!
MARGUERITE: He won't do it, he won't do it, and it's
disgusting to me.
Fuck you and your Irish curse.
KENNY: Whoa.
Don't fucking push him.
Don't push him.
He's got a fucking issue.
MARGUERITE: He's got a temper because he's a mick.
JIMMY: I think it's awesome.
I hope they break up.
I need Paddy back.
KENNY: I'll call you right back.
I'll call you right back!
PADDY: Listen, touch me again, you want my fucking--
KENNY: No, no, no!

That's not his real name.
PADDY: Sorry about the fucking remote.

I mean, that's just it.
I'm just not going to take my socks off when we have sex.
I mean, if that's going to be a fucking deal breaker, then
it's a fucking deal breaker.
Facts are facts.
I like sleeping with my socks, period.
[PHONE RINGING]
Fuck you, banana.
[PHONE RINGING]
Fucking Christ.
Oh, oh, star.
JIMMY: What?
Did you kiss and make up?
MARGUERITE: What are you talking about?
MARGUERITE: What are you talk-- are you serious?
Do you remember having World War IV, V, and VIII in my
fucking living room last night?
PADDY: Yeah, that's over.
KENNY: Screaming?
JIMMY: That's over, does that mean you're back together?
MARGUERITE: Fuck no.
He's an idiot.
PADDY: Are you kidding me?
She's a sociopath.
Why the fuck would I do that?
MARGUERITE: Jeffrey can you move out the way?
I can't fucking--
no!
PADDY: Oh!
JIMMY: Paddy's on [INAUDIBLE].
KENNY: Again!
Again.
Stop trying.
JIMMY: Paddy wins.
Paddy wins.
PADDY: Fucking A. Too many champions in
this fucking city.
JIMMY: Kenny, what is going on with your phone, buddy?
It's been ringing all morning.
KENNY: Last week I'm out at the club.
Everything's cool, I'm doing my thing,
dancing with some biddies.
I find this smoke show.
Psh, cut to I'm at her house.
I'm thinking I'm going to get laid, right?
One and done, beat and skeet, fucking bash and dash.
All of a sudden, I turn to the right, psht, whole fucking
"Footloose" shrine.
I'm fucking done, why am I going to do that?
I get right out of fucking Dodge.
She won't stop calling me.
She's a fucking-- she's psychotic.
[KNOCKS]
Hey.
MARGUERITE: What?
KENNY: So you want to be an actress, right?
MARGUERITE: Guy, I'm the best actor you ever saw.
If Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet fucked,
I'd be their kid.
KENNY: All right, you ever heard of method acting?
MARGUERITE: Yeah.
KENNY: Remember how you felt with Paddy?
MARGUERITE: Yes.
KENNY: I got something for you tomorrow.
MARGUERITE: OK.

PADDY: So--
JIMMY: Kenny's a moron.
PADDY: Kenny's an idiot.
JIMMY: Kenny's a moron.
PADDY: He thinks this girl's a psycho, we like psychos.
JIMMY: Dude, crazy in the bed, better in bed.
PADDY: Turns out--
JIMMY: She's a smoke show.
PADDY: Absolute smoke show.
JIMMY: Absolute smoke.
PADDY: Hard 10.
What's going to happen is I guess he's coming down here to
break up with her.
Maggie's a fucking psycho.
JIMMY: Hooker.
PADDY: She looks like a French whore.
JIMMY: Hooker.
PADDY: And so she's going to scare her or something.
Hopefully she gets upset.
What we're going to do is we're going to follow her.
As we do most good girls, you know, stalk them a little bit.
Catch her on the rebound, slam her home.

KENNY: Shit, there she is, right there, you see her?
Right there.
MARGUERITE: Yeah.
KENNY: The blonde girl.
All right, I'm going to scratch the back of my head
like that, that's a signal.
That's when you come in, you do your fucking thing.
Yeah?
Did you rehearse?
You got it?
MARGUERITE: Got it.
KENNY: Action.
All right.

CASEY: Hey!
KENNY: Hey, what's up?
CASEY: How are you?
KENNY: How are ya?
What's up?
CASEY: Oh, good!
It's been so long since we hung out, huh?
You haven't been answering any of my calls, or texts, or
emails, or tweets, Mr. Hard To Get!
KENNY: Yeah, you know me, I just--
CASEY: You like my outfit?
So "Footloose," right?
I look just like Julieann.
KENNY: Oh, Ryan Seacrest would totally bang you.
CASEY: I'm like her twin.
KENNY: Identical.
CASEY: Right?
KENNY: Yeah, you fucking look identical.
CASEY: I know, we could be sisters, right?
KENNY: Good choice, good stuff.
What the fu--?
CASEY: Oh my God, listen, I've got to talk to you.
So I was just thinking like maybe you could come home for
Christmas, meet my family, I have some really old aunts who
would just love it if do like a little move from
"Footloose," a little dance.
KENNY: Oh, no shit.
Yeah, I'll dance.
CASEY: And my father keeps telling me you're gay.
And I'm like dad, he's not gay.
Trust me, I know.
I think once he meets you in person.
Well, my mom is like the biggest Kevin Bacon fan, too.
KENNY: Fuck.
CASEY: So she can't wait.
Did you celebrate Hanukkah?
KENNY: Yeah.
CASEY: Because that's cool with me, too.
KENNY: I love the Hanukkah.
MARGUERITE: Hey there, how are you?
I'm Denise, who the fuck are you?
CASEY: I'm--
MARGUERITE: Get up!
CASEY: I'm Casey.
Nice--
MARGUERITE: Casey, nice to fucking meet you.
CASEY: You, too.
MARGUERITE: Go ahead, guess who this is?
CASEY: Uh, Kenny?
MARGUERITE: This is my boyfriend.
You see this?
This is an Irish wedding band, also known as a Cladda--
look at me!
Claddagh ring.
This is going to be imprinted on your fucking dome piece if
you're not out of here in 10 seconds.
One--
I will "Home Alone" your ass.
Two--
CASEY: Kenny, just tweet me, babe!
Kenny, I love you so much!
KENNY: We'll talk to ya.
MARGUERITE: You fucking bitch.
KENNY: She fucking went hard.
MARGUERITE: How was that?
KENNY: That was just [INAUDIBLE].
[MUSIC PLAYING]
That was fucking beautiful.
MARGUERITE: She's crazy.
KENNY: She's actually insane.
MARGUERITE: Are you fucking kidding me?
KENNY: What the fuck, dudes?
Fucking residuals, kid, really?
You guys are terrible, kid.