Massholes Episode 13: Hostage Situation


Uploaded by LOUD on 31.01.2013

Transcript:
[CROWD CHEERING]
That little fuckin' twerp with that smirk on his face, I
swear to God, he's going to get it.
[SIREN]
-I've put everything we had on it.
-We didn't have anything to begin with.
- I can't pay.
I can't--
I can't--
I can't--
-Go away.
-Guys!
What the fuck.
No, no, no, no.
Promise me that you're going to go to your audition.
- I was [INAUDIBLE]
-Mmmmm.
Mmmmm.
Help!
What the hell?
-You guys.
-What the fuck is this?
-Hey!
-Shut the fuck up.
-[INAUDIBLE]
the girls.
-Shut the fuck up!
Paddy.
Jimmy.
Right now!
-Who the fuck is that in my bathroom?
-I don't think we did a fuckin' thing.
[INAUDIBLE]
-I don't fuckin' remember taking a hostage.
We fought him.
He was an asshole.
-I can't have a fuckin' hostage in my bathroom.
-Fuck.
I kidnapped that guy.
Last night I was so upset, I wanted to, hate
fuck a Ravens fan.
And this is what happens.
-TMZ's is going to be here any second.
I got to call my fuckin' lawyer?
-I don't know, man.
I get mean when I drink, dude.
-Oh, fuck.
It's the bookie.
What am I going to--
I need help, man.
I could sell this for like a thousand on the street.
-No, you're not selling shit.
Get your shit together.
-Guys.
Guys.
I know there's a hostage situation, but we got to go to
that audition.
- No,no, no, no.
No fuckin' audition.
Get him out of my house.
I don't care how.
I don't even want to know how.
I'll handle the audition.
-I'm going to go check on him.
-A hostage.
God, I got to quit drinking.
- I think2 or 3 grand is a good deal.
I don't know why he's upset.
-Look.
If Kenny doesn't let me sell this shit, I don't know what
I'm going to do.
The bookie's name is Butch the Bulldog.
Big dog's got to eat.
-All right.
Relax, buddy.
We're going to untie you.
We're going to get you right out of here.
OK?
-Damn right you're going to untie me.
Patriot's suck!
You guys see what we did to you last night?
This is ridiculous.
-Lucky my ass.
You guys are a bunch of cheaters.
Belichick's a nerd.
-Does anyone know how the fuckin' Patriots--
-And Tom Brady's not even good looking.
-Wait.
What did he--
Did he--
- What did you just say?
-I'm saying Tom Brady is not as good looking as you guys
think.
-You just fucked up.
-Now you're [INAUDIBLE].
-You're going to keep me now?
This is absurd!
-Put this in his fuckin' mouth.
[INAUDIBLE]
-Hostage situation?
More like Emmy situation.
-Tom Brady's not handsome?
Let's watch a few hours of Brady and Belichick's greatest
hits, Boston's original bromance, and see if you don't
think he's handsome then.
-You bitch!
-Everyone is out looking for me.
Are you serious?
-Where's the Belichick's greatest hits?
You got some educational [INAUDIBLE].
-I don't want to watch!
I hate Belichick!
Please don't do this!
-You know that Stockholm syndrome thing where the
captive falls in love with the person that kidnapped them?
I think I got that.
But the opposite.
Whatever.
You might be a Ravens fan, but I've done worse.
-Well, Kenny.
We're not exactly sure what you mean.
This is extras casting.
-Nobody works in this town without a SAG card, guys.
You find me someone who does, let me tell you.
You have my blessing.
But I think we all know you ain't going to get that
authenticious, extra performance as good as my
boys, Jimmy and Paddy.
Yeah, so I find out this fuckin' audition that Jimmy
and Paddy have is some bullshit
extras casting agency.
And that same agency fucked me over when I was coming up.
So I have this nice little suit in my car trunk.
I'm going to go be their chief negotiator.
-Kenny, you're a real actor.
You were in "Footloose." This is just
for background nobodies.
-SAG card.
SAG card.
-You want us to give you a SAG card now.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy.
I--
I didn't say that.
Allegedly, your situation, for you, would be concurrently
improved if I had two SAG vouchers in my back pocket
right now.
-Well, um, I don't really--
Larry?
-I already promised my girlfriend that I'd give one
to her cousin.
-I think this production only has one voucher left.
-Let me tell you something.
You're suspect.
Yeah, you.
I don't know what your reputation is in this town,
but after that shit you tried to pull today, you better
believe I'll be looking into you.
Now, any business we have heretofore, you can speak with
Jimmy and Paddy's aforementioned agent.
-What?
They have an agent?
-Yeah.
Jeremy.
Little guy.
Mail room bitch.
Shut up.
Good day, gentlemen.
'Til that day comes, keep your ear to the grindstone.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-And look it.
It's snowing.
-Oh, not this again.
-Yeah.
And then he tucks it--
-No.
No.
---and he doesn't throw it.
-No.
They made him go for it.
-They made a rule--
-Exactly.
No!
It didn't even exist.
---and we went to the championship.
We went to the championship.
-All right.
All right.
Dude, have you had fuckin' enough, yet?
Can we just get you the hell out of here?
- Uh, are the Patriots going to the Superbowl, pal?
-Dude, I don't even know what to fuckin' do.
-I know.
I know what we do.
We're going to bring you into the bedroom.
-No.
-We're going to take your clothes off--
-No, no, no, no, no.
---and then we're going to put you in Boston wear.
-No, no, no, no, no.
-And you're going to love it.
-No.
I don't want--
No.
Guys, please.
-You're going to love it.
You're going to love it.
I'm going to love it.
-Come on, guys.
Please.
It's the bro code.
-This might seem weird now, but it's going to be wicked
cute at the wedding.
So if I cut your hands free, are you going to behave?
-Yeah.
-OK.
My father was protestant, so he had to take like Catholic
classes to marry my mother.
So whatever.
This is just part of the process.
Hands up.
Hat off.
Shirt off.
-OK
-Oh.
Didn't know we were working with that.
OK.
-Kevin, hypothetical.
If we were to film a rape, and then air that rape, would that
be illegal?
-Now let's put this on.
-No.
It's--
-Put it on.
Yes.
-Man, I miss that old Belichick.
-Just let me love you!
-No.
-What the fuck is that?
-Please.
-Oh, shit!
-Where are you going?
Where do you think you're going?
Maggie, did he hurt you?
Jimmy, go get the fuckin' [INAUDIBLE].
-Got it.
-Here you go.
Stay right there.
-What are you guys doing?
- We're going to waterboard you with Sam Adams through a
Larry Byrd jersey.
-Boston baptism.
-Just another hypothetical, Kevin.
If there were to be, let's say, a waterboard situation,
and we were to film that, and that person were
to, let's say, die.
Is that legal or illegal?
-Hey, dudes.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
-What?
-Listen.
Listen.
I bet through Butchie the Bulldog.
I heard you say you bet with him, too.
-Yeah, I'm down big.
What's up?
-Well, I'm up because I bet the winning team.
No offense.
Don't hit me.
All I'm saying is, I can go get the money, and then you
can go take it to it.
It's like money laundering.
-[INAUDIBLE]
Shut up.
OK?
Hold your horses.
-My son.
-We're not going to let him run off with the money.
-No, no.
-Hey, Maggie?
Where are his clothes?
-Guys, I'm good for it.
Come on.
Come on.
Please.
Please.
Please.
-Yeah.
It's a snug fit and I look like a fucking criminal, but
what are you going to do?
Jimmy got himself into a jam with this bookie, and this
guy's an asshole, so we're going to pull the old Southie
switcheroo.

Hey!
You, ah, Butchie the, ah, Bulldog bookie?
-Yeah.
Who are you?
-How are you?
Chad.
Chad, the Raven's fan.
-Chad, I remember you being a little smaller.
-Ah, yeah.
You know, I'm fuckin' hittin' the weights and shit.
You, ah, you got my money?
-Yeah.
-Awesome.
Great.
-Some game last night, huh?
-Some game.
-[INAUDIBLE]
a fuckin' bitch.
-Yeah.
Um, there's a guy named Jimmy, right?
A big fuckin' Boston fan?
-Yeah.
I been looking all over for him.
-Talk about a bitch, right?
He's fucking right up this.
He's like in a whole bunch of Red Sox and fuckin' Patriots
gear.
-I'll be right back.
All right.
-Talking shit the whole time.
Yeah.
-I'll be right back.

-The bulldog is out of the cage.

[CAR ENGINE ROARING]
-Oh!
-Jimmy!
-Huh?
-What's going on?
-No!
No!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-I've been looking all over for you.
- What are you talking about?
- I got that money I owe you.
-You took the Ravens.
-What money?
-I can't believe it.
You must have been so fuckin' hammered.
I can't believe you bet the Ravens.
-Oh!
-Have a good one.

-Huh.