Comedy Is for the Everyman | Heavy Petting With Mike Weaver


Uploaded by HEAVYPETTING on 12.10.2012

Transcript:
My last name is Shovenstein, I'm your agents… Nephew, you're Burt's nephew. So you wanted
to be an intern, right? Yes, very much. I just graduated film school, and I'm a big
fan of your show. Randee Brando, actor. So, what can we do for you today, mister? Coming
up tomorrow: An actual cougar tells us why he's sick of middle age women who have a thing
for younger guys. We'll see you then. Good show, Bunk. Great show, Mr. Weaver. Thanks
Eli. Ah ha, you still wearing the beenie, huh? What kidder. Uh, yeah. Hey, listen, I
just wanna let you know I'm learning a lot from you, and I'm taking this stand-up comedy
class on Wednesday nights. Super, kid. Yeah, and you know what? Turns out we have a show
this Tuesday, my first show, and I'd love it if you could come. You ever thought of
putting a propeller on that beenie because that would be funny. It's to show reverence
to God. But God is funny. Oh, look at this. This is sweet -- what is this like a hardy,
helpful, handout of Hollywood hahas, huh? You know what that is right there? That's
crazy. That's alliterations, fellers. Well, at least that's what they call it in the biz.
Biz what, Randee? The biz of life, Randee. God, I'm like Marlene Angeloo sometime. But,
of course, I'm not because I'm Randee Brando, actor. Listen, fellers, I've been pouncing
around this fantasmic new jingle for my LLC -- it's actually an S-Corp, but I call it
an LLC. It goes like this -- I'm kinda hoping you can be objective with me: R to the A to
the N to the D to the E to the E to B to the R to the A to the N to the D to the O. You
know, Randee, we know who you are. I would love to stay here and just keep chatting and
shooting the pickle back and forth all over the place, but I have to go because I have
the biggest meeting ever with the biggest Hollywood agent who ever lived. So, in the
words of his eminence, LL, the ladies loathe, Cool-J: Hoo badadun wee dun bo do, hu wedebe
wee dun bo do. Hey, you know, Randee, you had wanted me to remind you to leave. Oh!
That was right now. Got it, copy that. Cheers, Red Sonia. One more thing, though: FYI, BTW
-- BTW means "by the way," FYI, which means "for your information," BTW, FYI -- dropped
an Oscar caliber championship, terrific deuce in your terlet. What? Oh, no, yes, of course,
you're right -- it's not in the terlet, it's in the tank. Upper decker, Broseph Kony. Upper
decker, Broseph Kony. Yeah! Now that's comedy. Take care of that toilet thing for me, will
ya, Eli? So, I'll see you Wednesday night at my show. Hello? Is this my favorite comedy
show host? Who's this? Brucey-Bruce from the Network. Listen, we got some exciting changes
coming up for the show. Change #1: A new dressing room for Mike Weaver. Nice! Mr. Weaver? Hold
on. Hey, if you have some time, I'd just like to go over some jokes with you? It's okay,
Eli, I'm all set. Okay: What's the deal with mechanical pencils? God dammit! This is b.s.!
I'm calling my agent. I don't care if he's your uncle. He's gotta start pulling his weight
around here. Speaking of weight: My wife is so fat… That's all I got. It's not funny!
Burt Shovenstein, big Hollywood agent. 15 percent… Burt Shovenstein. Burt! Hey, Mike
Weaver. Weaver! Yeah, hey. Yeah, what's up? They got me in a cat holding area over here.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure that if we check my contract, we'd see that I'm guaranteed first
class dressing accommodations, yeah? Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, don't worry about it,
okay? I'm gonna talk to my peeps at the Network in a pow wow and take care of it. You know,
it reminds me of story: When I represented Pauly Shore, he wanted the bigger trailer
when they were shooting Encino Man. Oh yeah, did you get one for him? Hey, am I Burt Shovenstein
or am I Burt Shovenstein? That's right and that's you're answer, kid. Southern California.
Oh, also, Burt… I gotta take this. Burt? Okay: A dog and a cat walk into a bar -- it
could happen. Eli, I'll see you later. Yo, yo, yo, Randee Brando in hizhouse. Whoa, postin'
up from a three whirl, yo, R B with the double Es. Hey, Randee Brando, actor. That was a
little sampling from my urban repertoire. A lot of people aren't aware of this, but
it came down to me and Method Man for the role of Muggsy in the feature film Soul Plane.
But it's really quite difficult out here for a comptroller of ladies of the night. Right
there, okay, listen, I know what's eating you Gilbert Grape: You're all concerned about
how my meeting went with that big, high-powered Hollywood Asian and whether or not he wants
to represent me. The answer is a resounding: Hai! You know, he is so horny to rep me. This
Asian is so good. You're saying Asian, you realize that? Do you mean agent? I know, I
know, I say Asian instead of agent. Not agent, Asian. It's a joke for me. Anyway, he has
secured me a 6 episode arc. Arc is a bizdustry term for a character development over multiple
episodes of a TV series. It's called Hot Fudge and Sunday, it's a television series, and
I play the best friend of Chief Detective Jamarvis Fudge. And what's amazing is that
the Network has allowed me to pick my own character's name. So I am on the fence between
Chief Inspector Jeffery Gunt or Leftenant Terrance Taint. What about Detective Frank
Retard? Get in here Retard! We're taking you downtown, Retard. Damn, I wish I thought of
that. You're good, you're good, Micky. The reason I actually dropped by is I've been
feeling kind of terrible, feeling kind of bad about dropping that ol' upper decker out
there in your terlet. I appreciate you saying that. I mean, I just felt so terrible about
it because the Network has decided to give me your dressing room! What? That's my dressing
room now! I'm like jazzed up like Coltrane. God dammit, that's it, Bunk. Time to find
out what my agent's worth. Mike Weaver calling for Burt Shovenstein. Shove-it-up-yours-enstein
better impress me right now, Bunk. Or I'm gonna whip his ass-enstein all up in this…
Burt Shovenstein. Burt! Mike Weaver! Listen, quick point: As much as I appreciate the money
from the last few gigs you got me, not sure they're doing too much to advance my career.
Hey dog lovers, welcome to the grand opening of Chuckles Park Dog Run! Cut that ribbon,
Michael Weaver. This guy is hopeless. Total pussy. What do you expect with fake scissors?
Hey, who hired this douche bag? What the hell do you know about your career? Ahhhhhhh…
Listen, first of all, I'm humbled by your feedback, but you gotta understand something:
In a career, sometimes you gotta move sideways just to move forward. It's like I told Gallagher,
I said "You're one watermelon away from being the greatest act on Earth." And here we are
now, 26 years later, and he's the hottest comedy act in the country. Pretty soon, Hollywood
is gonna have a big, bad case of the Mike Weavers. I hope you're right, Burt. Burt Shovenstein
-- word is gold in a town full of copper and silver and crap. Now listen to me: Kid, I
want you to do me a favor. Will you say hi to your wife and your kids because I care
about you and I care about your family. I don't actually have kids. I gotta take this.
Burt? My wife is so fat that she had to take her belt to the leather smith to pay him to
punch a hole in it. Leather smith? Yeah, the idea is her waist is so much bigger around
that… Oh, hey, there's my Michael Weaver. Yeah, buddy, thank you for coming. Well, well.
Hey, Uncle Burt. Eli! Come here, give me a hug. How are you, kid? You look good. Funny
kid, right? Funny, funny kid. Hey, you gonna come to my stand-up show? Whoa, yo, whoa!
Come on, now get me a cappuccino, Eli, will ya? You got it. Good kid, funny. Yeah, yeah.
So, this is the set, huh? This is it, man. Is this where they sit? Whoa, that's were
I'm gonna ask you a few questions and you're gonna tell me about your parents. Bang, bang,
bang. Oh, no, no, behind the scenes -- you're the talent. You gotta good face for radio.
Ah, you are good, you're talented. Oh, you know. Come on, I came over here for a reason
-- there's something bothering you, right? What's the problem? Yeah, well… What was
it your teeth? Constipation? You don't got the diabetes, do you? Not yet, not yet. Oh,
thank God. So, listen, it is my dressing room accommodations. Okay, let me give you a quick
story. Okay. Okay? Larry comes to me, and he's the pool man. I say "Larry, comedy is
for the everyman." Every man doesn't have a pool man. Every man does their own pool.
Talk about the 1 percent. So I say to him, I say "You gotta come up with another profession,
a relatable profession." So he goes away and he comes back and says one word: Cable. Larry
the Cable Guy. Now he's got a super sonic rocket comedy career, hottest thing on the
planet. Wow, I didn't know where you were going there, but I figured it out, and I like
it. Well, that's my point. Wow. Southern California. California. Did I hear the sweet, sweet tones
of my favorite Asian's voice all up in here? There's my thoroughbred: Randee Brando, actor.
That's the thing that I do when I do it with my mouth. Listen, kid, I wanna here every
pitch you got. We got some talking' to do. Every single pitch, Bernie? Every pitch. Holy
god, we're gonna be here forever. I'll sit, I'll listen. Hey, do you like your new Asian
getting you that upgrade in the dressing room? Oh, man, it's like the bowling alley in the
final scene of There Will Be Blood up in here. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up! Come
on, come on, give me some ideas. Okay, okay, my first one here: A bear and donkey fall
in love. But we're not gonna have like some dude in a bear suit and a dude in a donkey
suit, we're gonna put a bear and donkey in a room together until they fall in love! Ah!
I like that. Okay, okay, okay: Epic battle between dolphins and sharks. All the humans
are gone. Battling in the ocean. Who comes swimming up from the depths? Who is that?
It's Leftenant Terrance Taint come to save the day! Foreign, that'll do really good Foreign.
Courtney Thorne-Smith and Bob Barker are stuck in a raft out in the middle of the ocean.
He f**** her! Private screening on that one. Imagine an animated All In The Family, but
everybody's a different animal. You got a million ideas -- I love them all!