Discworld Noir - Act 1.06

Uploaded by TheRussianGestapo on 01.07.2009

Samael: You can't recall;
If the whiskey knocked you flat;
Or if everything was a blur- Lewton: -I thought I told you never to pla-
Lewton *thinks*: Ilsa.
I thought I would never see her again. I prayed that I'd never see her again.
But either the gods didn't listen,
or they were having a laugh at my expense.
Knowing the gods of the Discworld,
I had a pretty good idea which.
Lewton: Play it again, Sam.
Samael: You know what?
No one's ever going to believe you said that.
Lewton: Hello, Ilsa.
How long has it been?
Ilsa: Too long.
Lewton: That's funny.
I was thinking that it wasn't long enough.
Ilsa: Aren't you pleased to see me?
Lewton: Sure.
Like a jellyfish praying for the tide to come in. Ilsa: What's that supposed to mean?
Lewton: If I always knew I meant, I'd be a genius.
Ilsa: Back then you always knew what to say.
Lewton: I still know what to say.
I just choose not to.
Ilsa: You're getting a big kick out of making me feel cheap, aren't you? Well maybe I had it coming.
Lewton: Hey, don't take my side.
You'll take all the fun out of it.
I spent years rehearsing what I'd say if I saw you again,
what I'd ask you.
I tried to imagine what you'd say.
Ilsa: But now I'm here,
you can't think of anything to say?
Lewton: Now you're here,
an' I just wanna slap you.
Just once,
across the cheek. Ilsa: What will that prove?
Lewton: That I still haven't forgiven you.
Ilsa: You're not making this easy, Lewton.
Lewton: Did you think I would? Did you think I'd just come bouncing up to you like a trained puppy?
Maybe I'd wag my tail and wait for you to throw me a stick.
Well I'm never going to be another woman's dog
for as long as I live.
Ilsa: That's cruel.
Lewton: Not as cruel as the day you left me.
What made you ask for that song?
Ilsa: I was feeling sentimental.
Lewton: It's good to know that you still remember me.
Ilsa: How could I forget? Lewton: I don't know.
But you managed to leave.
I figured you'd probably manage to forget as well.
Ilsa: Never. Lewton: I tried to forget you.
I tried to forget the day you left. I tried to forget the good times. I tried to drown your
memory in cheap whiskey.
Ilsa: And did you forget?
Lewton: I don't remember.
Ilsa: I still remember you.
That's what the song means to me. It's everything that's good about our time together.
Lewton: You got lucky, Ilsa.
You got all the good memories,
and I got all the bad.
Ilsa: It didn't have to be like that.
Lewton: It's always like that.
I suppose you have some explanation for what you did.
Some pat excuse that will make everything all right.
Ilsa: There's no excuse for what I did.
Lewton: At least we agree on one thing. Ilsa: Why do you hate me so much? Lewton: Because I had everything when I had you.
And when you left,
you took everything with you.
It's easy to hate someone who took it all away from you.
Ilsa: It hurts to hear you talk like this. Lewton: *Good*.
Have you met a man named..."Mundy"? Ilsa: Yes.
There was a man named Mundy on the ship we came in on.
He kept himself to himself, mostly.
Lewton: What can you tell me about him?
Ilsa: He seemed nervous. Lewton: Anything else?
Ilsa: I remember him going down to the cargo hold at one point, he looked really shifty.
As if he was hiding something.
Lewton: Is that it?
Ilsa: That's all I can think of.
Lewton: So, you came in on the Milka, did you?
Ilsa: Yes. Lewton: Alone. Ilsa: No.
I came with a companion.
Lewton: *Groans* It figures.
Ilsa: What?
Lewton: Women like you are never alone.
Ilsa: I've been alone.
Lewton: You know nothing about loneliness.
You know nothing about what it's like to not know why you've been abandoned.
You don't know what it's like to watch your career slip away,
because the one thing you care about has been taken from you.
You don't know what it's like to spend years going into restaurants an' asking for a table
for one.
Ilsa: You don't eat in restaurants.
Lewton: Okay,
but if I did,
that's what I'd ask for.
Ilsa: Why did you ask about the Milka?
Lewton: You came aboard in Ecalpon, right?
With a man.
Ilsa: Yes.
His name's Two Conkers. How did you know?
Lewton: It's my job to know.
Ilsa: You're being paid to find out where people board ships? Lewton: No! I'm a private investigator.
Lewton *thinks*: Ilsa had told me she was travelling with a man named *Two Conkers*.
For now, that was all I needed to know.
Lewton: Tell me one thing, Ilsa.
Are you involved in these murders?
Ilsa: What? Lewton: The murders. They
started when you arrived in town.
Ilsa: I can't believe that you would think such a thing! That's terrible!
I mean I know I've done some bad things but I've never killed anyone in all my life! Lewton: Just checking...
Can you read this?
Ilsa: Yes. It says "Pier 5".
Lewton: What language?
Ilsa: Agatean.
Lewton: How do you know an obscure language like that?
Ilsa: Actually, Two Conkers is from the Counterweight Continent.
I learnt it from him.
Lewton: I thought that people weren't allowed to leave the Agatean Empire?
Ilsa: Ohh, things have freed up these days.
Lewton: I'd be careful of who you tell about Two Conkers, Ilsa.
Ilsa: Why? Lewton: People can be funny about foreigners.
And there's always been rumours about the Empire.
They say they use powerful magic there.
The last time one of them arrived here,
the city got burned down.
Ilsa: Two Conkers isn't going to burn the city down.
Lewton: You know that.
And I know that.
But the average man on the street doesn't know that.
They see the unknown as a threat.
Ilsa: Why?
Two Conkers is harmless. No one's that stupid.
Lewton: Let me let you in on a little known secret:
You know how stupid the average person is? Ilsa: I think so, yes.
Lewton: Well, statistically, half of them are even dumber than that.
I found this on the Milka.
Does it mean anything to you?
Ilsa: A piece of cardboard with a number on it?
Lewton: I think it might have something to do with Mundy.
Ilsa: If you've constructed murder and a giant conspiracy out of that, I'm going to be very impressed.
Lewton: Not yet,
but I'm working on it.
Don't go far.
I might want to shout at you again.
Ilsa: I'm sorry, Lewton.
Lewton: Not sorry enough.
Lewton *thinks*: An old flame.
Frankly my life would've been better if she'd stayed out of it.
My old friend the bar. I was tempted to order a drink,
but I was working.
I suppressed the urge to get myself a drink,
although I could really have used one.
Lewton: Hello again. Jenkins: Hello yerself.
Lewton: Do the names "Ilsa" and "Two Conkers" mean anything to you?
Jenkins: 'ow many names is that?
Lewton: Two. Jenkins: Apparently not.
Lewton: They were on your ship.
Jenkins: Ah, I see. Ask me that question again.
Lewton: Do the names "Ilsa" and "Two Conkers" mean anything to you?
Jenkins: Yeees, they were on my ship!
Lewton: You're not going to tell me anything useful, are you?
Jenkins: It's not looking likely, is it?
Lewton *thinks*: I didn't want to show Captain Jenkins anything that might give away the fact that I'd been aboard his ship.
Lewton: I'll see you around, Captain.