Lester Must Die (HD)


Uploaded by scythe101 on 07.02.2012

Transcript:
Now I really hope this isn't a bad time or anything ...
Hoping isn't enough. It's always a bad time.
But I need to see the books at once.
There are no books. Lester doesn't like books.
No books?
No.
But there must be books.
I really am not kidding, there are no books.
Not one book?
Not even a pamphlet. Come back in the morning?
What actually is going on in there?
Well as you know he's hired that chamber orchestra.
I did NOT know that.
Did I say chamber orchestra? It's more of a small ensemble … who keeps track of these things?
You! You are supposed to keep track of them! With books, and ledgers, and little calculators.
I told you there are no books. Everything's gone computerised.
Oh, so there are electronic records?
Absolutely not. Now can I please ask you to come back in the morning?
Where are you going?
I cannot work with him. I cannot work in there!
Ah … well perhaps best be on your way, then.
Hold on. What's going on in there?
The Maestro never yells at us like that! He broke a flugal horn!
Who did?
Lester van Hummel. I'm getting out of here.
Yes, go home and get some sleep.
He said I had to play more woodlandy. I don't know how to play more woodlandy!
Is that even a thing? It's a violin! It's made of wood - is that what he meant?
Woodlandy?
Go to your conservatorium, see that you never come back
Your classical pomposity doesn't match my plan of attack
And you ma'am, where do I know you from? I'm not in the mood to guess
If you're the girl in the film I'm making, we're not headed for success.
What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?
I'm getting out of here this ain't my scene
What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?
I'm getting out of here this ain't my scene
Salvador! My medicine. I feel a little withdrawn
I think perhaps that you should wait til this fine lady has gone.
Then get her out of here! We don't have time to lose,
I can't talk to these men in tuxes if I don't have my muse!
Gotta go, gotta go, I gotta go
The record company's going to know
Oh no, oh no, oh no
The record company's going to know.
The record company's going to know.
Lester you can't keep hiring these classical musicians just to yell at them.
Yelling at them is crucial. It's how I get value for money.
But it's not your money, it's the record company's money. And that woman who was just here -
That girl from the film?
No, from the record company … What film?
I have been using the deductions from the studio expenses to film an erotic thriller.
Ten minutes, Mr van Hummel.
You're filming an erotic thriller?
The erotic thriller to end all erotic thrillers! It will be the first of a franchise.
And you've been filming in this studio.
Yah.
But you've been using the studio hire expenses to pay for it.
That's right.
How can you do both those things?
At least one of them is illegal.
Putting aside your increasingly illegal activities, that woman who was just here was from the record company.
Next week it will have been ten years to the day since you started work on this album, and there are still only twelve minutes of finished material.
Now no one is doubting the quality of that material, but the fact that it was only accomplished after moving the entire studio
from New York, to London, to Bruges and then back to New York is starting to ruffle a few feathers down at head office.
They are the ones funding everything, and that undeniably game-changing twelve minutes has cost them nearly
- seven million dollars.
In addition to that, I have just learned that you are using the money that I thought we were saving
to fund the production of an erotic thriller in the very same studio we are supposed to be recording in.
Lester! Please pay attention. I know you're going through a divorce,
but if you alienate the record company there's only so much I can do before they shut us down for good.
Hah! They wouldn't dare shut me down! Not while I'm the ear of a generation.
It's been ten years since your last album. The generation whose ear you had are now in their mid thirties and listening to post-rock.
Yes … well, audiences come and go, but I still have the critics.
Don't be so sure.
“Dutch rock star Lester van Hummel emerged from his oxygen tent earlier this year
to resume working on his long awaited second solo album.
The project, still untitled, has been in the pipeline for the ten years since his debut album smash hit ‘Sink the Bismarck'.
By some reports the new project is a progressive rock concept album about the future,
which couldn't be less appropriate given the circumstances.
Despite the rumours of self-indulgence and continuing drug abuse plaguing the production,
van Hummel's press agent says that Lester is finally clean -“
“and maintains that despite all appearances this will be the comeback album of the century.
Unfortunately, he neglected to tell us which century.”
Peuh! Journalists! It's not a progressive rock album is it, it's a song cycle.
And it may be ten years since work started, but I haven't been working on it FOR ten years.
There was the seven months I spent on that island.
And that year you spent in jail.
If you deduct all the time I've had to devote to other enterprises I've been very productive.
If we deduct all the time you've devoted to other enterprises, we get the twelve minutes of material you've recorded.
Don't they understand? Don't they see the dilemma? It's a concept album about the future. We never get to the future.
The one thing I have learned, Salvador, is that time may be money but money isn't time
and no matter how much money I spend I can only ever record in the present, and I have only ever recorded in the past.
But this album has to be recorded in the future.
It has ... to be recorded ... in the future.
Well there's certainly no risk of it being recorded in the past.
… not yet …
Except for those twelve minutes.
Which will have to be redone. In the future.
This worldview is becoming a bit of a concern.
Five minutes, Mr van Hummel.
What about the rest of today's recording?? The forest sequence?
I'm waiting for inspiration.
You know you've got a whole chamber orchestra in there!
Oh yes I'm going to need them for the volcano scene.
Get them to sign those release forms and you can ask that producer where the rubber suits they'll be wearing are. Also what day is it?
It's the 3rd.
Ah! My dear Bianca's birthday. Send her a cat, will you?
You gave her a cat last year, and the year before that. I don't think she needs any more cats.
Every year a cat, Salvador. Every year a cat.
Directors, it is well known that this record company is in a state of decline. There are several factors responsible for this.
My predecessor, Lord Henry James Bellamy, did not have his finger on the pulse of the crucial younger demographic.
More centrally, he didn't believe in the internet.
Admittedly there were many in our company who doubted the revolutionary potential of file sharing, but Lord Bellamy took it a step further.
He was confident that there was no such thing as the internet
and that the whole thing was merely a left-wing conspiracy designed to unsettle the censorship board
- of which he had a controlling interest.
His mistrust of technology was so great that he became convinced he could catch a virus from his computer
and remained in isolation up until his death from an overdose of protease inhibitors. Lord Bellamy was buried at sea.
I remember that. Lovely fireworks.
Right now the industry is in crisis, and it's being felt in all areas.
Not even the casual threats of yesteryear are enough to even keep people in line.
“I'll see to it that you never work in the music business again!”
- used to be my favourite line. Now it just looks like a good career move.
It appears we're in a sinking ship here, people, but while we cannot easily undo the damage done, we can mitigate further damage.
If we dress the place up a bit we can offload the whole company to some unsuspecting foreigners before Christmas
which we can spend in Tahiti with our paramours.
But there is one obstacle to our plan ...
Lester van Hummel.
WHERE'S OUR ALBUM YOU DUTCH BASTARD?!
Please! Please.
I just got back from there! He's hired a chamber orchestra.
After that organ he destroyed at the cathedral last week?
No remorse! No perspective! Why on earth did we put in that clause??
The control clause. The control clause!
Why DID we put in that clause?
What choice did we have? We had to win the bidding war.
And now he's gone mad with power. That Dutch bastard.
There's no way out of the contract. Our hands are tied until we go bankrupt.
That son of a bitch!
Needless to say, no one will touch this company while we're losing so much money on these extravagant studio expenses every week.
We all remember a few years ago when the whole studio, along with a team of theremin experts, was on call for a full three months
while Lester recovered from his ballooning accident.
If history teaches us anything, it's that we'll be losing money for as long as we're in a contract with Lester van Hummel.
Which will be for as long as he takes to finish that album.
But again, if history has taught us anything, he clearly won't finish that album, ever.
So a clearer way of looking at our position is this.
We will be in a contract with Lester van Hummel
for as long as Lester van Hummel
is alive.
Is that what they call a ‘loophole'?
Now I realise this is highly irregular, but that is no reason to circumvent the usual decision-making channels.
All those in favour of dispatching Lester van Hummel forthwith from this life, say aye -
We gotta kill him!
I'll do it myself.
Motion passed. Now does anyone have any connections to organised crime that we may be able to use for the matter at hand?
Excellent. As we know he's hired out the studio indefinitely and we're required to pay one year in advance but under the current arrangements,
if he dies then we get that back immediately. Now there's just one other thing.
If our Lester is going to bite the dust like this, surely it would be a waste
if we didn't take the opportunity to make some money from the inevitable impulsive public grief.
I'll prepare his debut album for re-release!
I'll draft a press statement!
I'll organise a DVD box set retrospective!
Music to my ears. Although we really should have done this a few years ago when Lester was 27.
But as Lester van Hummel is about to find out, you can't have everything.
To murder.
To murder!
Father.
Son.
Have I got a story for you.
No no, have I got a story for you.
You go first papa.
I'll go first. Let me set the scene for ya. It was 3am.
We're in the back of the club when who should come in but two of our dancers.
Well they was quitting, they were. Tired of the lousy hours, they said.
I said “Quitting? The hell you are,” when I noticed that one of them was bleeding.
She was bleeding but it was white. She didn't seem to mind too much.
Anyway so I pointed it out to her and she said “Oh that, that's Baijiu.”
Baiju's a Chinese liquor I hadn't had in years.
So we all sat down and had a drink.
I love that Baijiu.
Was that a dream, papa?
That was a dream.
That explains it.
Yes it does. Business is good.
Business is so good that I don't need to worry about what actually happens in real life no more.
You know that dream you just told me, Papa? That's not the dream… THAT'S the dream.
What the hell are you talking about?
The dream is not having to worry about what is and isn't a dream no more. That's the point.
Isn't that the point?
No that's just what I've been saying, that's the dream. What I just said. Stupid kid.
So what have you got for me?
What I got for you?
Yeah, did whatever it is actually happen?
Yeah it just happened. In fact... Will! Will, wake up you'll wanna listen to this!
He's not waking up papa.
He's been there for ten hours.
Looks like he needs a rest.
Whether or not he needs a rest, he's having a rest.
I'd give him another ten hours.
Anyway, what I got for you is: so I was out at the usual haunts, picking things up, dropping things off,
when who should I see but Earl.
Earl. The assassin?
Earl THE assassin.
Used to ... play violin.
So they say. So I say “Hey Earl! Ain't seen you around these haunts very at all! Not much at all!”
He says “Nah, not these haunts, I been haunting downtown.”
I say “Downtown! What you doing haunting downtown? You know we coulda used you a coupla weeks ago down here, for the unpleasantness...”
The unpleasantness.
The unpleasantness downtown, you know?
Boy, that was bad news.
Bad news, papa. So I say “What you been doing downtown, avoiding all the unpleasantness around these parts?"
He says “Not exactly. I working something.”
Working something?
Yeah, he says “working something”. So I say “Who, who you working Earl?”
Up at those new haunts.
He says he's working the private sector!
Private sector? I thought we were the private sector.
I think we're A private sector.
But there are others?
Yeah, others.
He's not working with the South Americans is he?
They're not the private sector papa.
They ain't? If they ain't the private sector then we ain't the private sector.
Maybe we ain't the private sector.
I can't believe he'd work with those South Americans.
He ain't working with the South Americans, papa.
But how do you know he ain't?
Too public.
Eih, too public.
I say “Private sector? Not the South Americans is it!” He says “Nah, I got hired by some suits.”
And then he tells me to keep this between us, keep it on the down low, real hush hush, but apparently he's got hired by a record label
and who's he's gonna whack but Lester van Hummel.
Lester van Hummel.
That's right! Mr Sink The Bismarck. Mr Lester I-Can't-Believe-He's-Not-Dead van Hummel.
Can you picture Earl going after that guy? What a story, huh?
What? Pipe down in there!
Earl the Assassin is going after Lester van Hummel? And you think that's funny? What are you stupid?
I'm not stupid papa!
What do we do here, son?
We do a lot of things, papa.
Right, but what do we sell.
We sell drugs.
That's right, we sell drugs. And what does Lester van Hummel take?
Creative liberties?
Drugs, son, he takes drugs! He takes the drugs that we sell to him. He takes more drugs than we CAN sell to him.
Lester van Hummel was responsible for ninety percent of our turnover last year, he's our biggest customer.
I have a shrine to him in the other room.
It's a miracle he's even alive. And Earl the assassin is going after him?
Oh yeah, that's not good news at all!
It's bad news, son! It's bad news. If Lester van Hummel dies we'll be finished. We won't be able to compete with the South Americans.
We'll have to move over to the west coast. I hate the west coast!
We can't go back there anyhow, not after ... the unpleasantness.
The unpleasantness.
OK ... now are you sure that this isn't a dream?
No papa it just happened.
My dream just happened, that's not a good measure!
It wasn't a dream Papa!
Right. Will! Get our man downtown on the phone. Find out which studio Lester van Hummel is in and keep tabs on whoever you see coming and going.
And you, get back up to those new haunts and see if you can keep track of that assassin. Listen to me carefully. He must not succeed.
Lester van Hummel must stay alive at all costs.
At all costs!
Don't just repeat what I say, I need to know that you understand it! Can you rephrase it for me?
No papa, I don't have time to rephrase it, I gotta stop the assassin from killing Lester van Hummel!
My boy.
But you see the whole style has never been like that before! Lester synthesised it.
He synthesised it and turned it into something altogether new, that
that the new groups simply don't come close to. Isn't that just … isn't that just the best?
It's quite something.
Yeah! He took the best elements of disco pop and punk and fused them like no one else.
Nobody.
And in between all the radio hits he somehow captured the dich... dichtom...
'Dichotomy'.
- dichotomy between the contemporary sense of recklessness and experimentation, and the melancholia it inevitably produces.
What are you, a psychiatrist?
And that was only the half of the album -
Let me stop you right there. if you're a fanboy trying to create the illusion that you're a good music journalist so that I let you in
it's not going to work. You know why?
There are no good music journalists.
And you can't sustain any illusions by making things up about disco pop and melancholia.
It worked with Morrissey.
Of course it did.
Take back your jewellery
I'll break your arm
Your litigation won't do me harm
I hope you die before we get divorced
That isn't something that I endorse
One thing to tell you, just before you leave
Honey if you go
It'll hurt me so
But I'll make it through
somehow I always do.
I hope your music is going well
I hope your brain is putting you through hell
Time is after me, and so are you
Just leave me alone, I'm only passing through
Honey if you stay
it'll be okay
But I might leave you
somehow I always do
Who was the first one to break their oath?
This dance of life is going to kill us both
But I hope that you are the first to go
Though it usually isn't polite to say so
Honey if you go
it'll hurt me so
But I'll make it through
somehow I always do -
- somehow I always do -
somehow I always do!
Trouble in paradise?
Of course, paradise was long ago overrun by wasps.
Big wasps.
I would be more polite, Salvador.
When the divorce comes through, I will own half of you.
I'll be sure to wash that half.
Who are you?
Oh I'm -
Are those Louis Vuitton sunglasses?
Yes …
Circle of life.
Is this where Lester van Hummel is recording?
Who wants to know?
Me. I wants to know. There's someone coming to kill him.
I see. Does he have an appointment?
What?
No one's coming to kill him without an appointment.
I don't buy into your sense of protocol. Come on let me in so I can save this rock guy.
Is that so? I let you in to save him, then I turn my back and you kill him.
If there's one thing I hate more than fanboys pretending to be journalists it's fanboys who are actually insane.
If you're not a girl then Lester won't have any time for you.
Wait a second you think I'm making this up?
Well one of us is making it up.
Well how about this?
That's a dead giveaway isn't it.
Why, what do you mean?
Now I know you're insane.
You don't know that!
Which one of us is pointing the gun?
I could just be making a point.
What point would that be?
That you better step aside, or Lester van Hummel might get killed.
That's strange, considering you're pointing the gun at me and not Lester van Hummel.
It would probably be something like: I'D better step aside or I might get killed, by you, with the gun.
Yeah that too.
So unless I step aside, both Lester and I will die?
No, because if I killed you I'd be able to get inside and stop the assassin from killing Lester van Hummel!
So there's an assassin.
Yeah, there's an assassin! At least one.
Are you the assassin?
I'm not the assassin! It's a different assassin.
So you're AN assassin.
Not even AN assassin!
Then I can't take your threats seriously.
I'm a prospective assassin.
Ah.
So my point is: either you will die, or Lester will die - but not both - if you step aside.
"UNLESS I step aside."
That's what I said.
At any rate, you should know that the fact that you're pointing a gun directly at my head doesn't go any way to demonstrating that you aren't insane.
Just forget I have the gun!
I'm trying, but it's hard.
I'll put the gun away. There, is that better?
Well it's better, yes, but I still know you have the gun, which is not doing you any favours.
Then what good was putting it away??
Well it was good for me, because now I know you're insane and I can probably overpower you before you get it out again.
Oh is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
Lester I -
Ah, Salvador. I'd like you to meet Earl, our new head of security.
What?
Yes, with all these people prowling around we can't be too careful. I've known Earl for years, and I trust him implicitly.
Lester I think this might be one of your opium-induced fantasies. You have never met this man before.
Nonsense! Earl and I go back to our... salad days... you remember, with the -
Anyway I trust him with my life, and you will too, and you, and you . Never trust actors, friends.
You hired those actors, Lester. They're starring in your erotic thriller.
Then why do I feel so on edge?
Your wife was just here. She has that effect on people.
My wife! You never sent her a cat, did you?
No I didn't, but in my defense -
Salvador I asked you specifically to send her a cat, and you didn't do it. You'd be in my bad books, if I had any books.
Consider yourself warned. Now we're going to get away from this tedious recording for a while -
What recording?
and go to the rocket facility.
Oh yes!
Rockets!
Sacre bleu!
Lester this isn't a good time, we have suspicions that this man is -
Dammit Salvador, we're going to the rocket facility!
Rockets?
Day to day living, I keep an incredible pace
And when I die I want to be fired into space
If you had lived in my position
You would have to make the same decision
And maybe one day you too could be fired into space
None of your conventions and none of your traditions can chain me
So I invest in rockets with compartments that can contain me
You can't know the reason for my worldview
But I can see it now like I used to
And when it's all over I will be fired into space
Fired into space
Doo do do do
Doo do do fired into space
Doo do do do
Doo do do fired into space
Doo do do do
Doo do do do do do fired into ... space
He's crazy.
Aw yeah.
How's he gonna enjoy space if he's dead?
Hey no no, it's OK, Earl won't shoot him with all those people around.
Hey I'm Donatelletto by the way. I'm the son of a drug baron. We're the private sector.
I'm here to keep Lester alive at all costs.
Donatelletto? I picked up a shipment from your father. Good stuff, Lester always liked it.
Hey, we're the best. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go after them and shoot Earl in the back.
No! Lester is very easily spooked. If you shoot that guy Lester will go into shock
and we can kiss goodbye to all our studio time for the rest of the year.
That's bad news.
All we can do is follow him and make sure that assassin can't try anything.
Both of our livelihoods depend on Lester remaining alive.
And on drugs.
Yes... it's a delicate balance.
So you're asking me to change Lester's van Hummel will?
That's right.
Madame, I have to say this is highly unorthodox.
But so is all the sex we've been having.
Besides, he owes me. He owes me for his faithlessness, for all the drugs I have hidden, and all the paternity suits I ignored.
But above all he owes me for all the time I have supported him despite his not producing anything in ten years.
He has become a waste of space, a blot on society, a drain on humanity!
Marriage is hard. As it stands, you will inherit Lester van Hummel's entire estate if -
If!
- if he dies before your divorce goes through. Which is tomorrow, isn't it?
Oh! It hadn't occurred to me. Muy bueno! Ah mi amo.
Now you must excuse me, I have to leave on an entirely unrelated matter. May I borrow something from your medicine cabinet?
I see nothing wrong with that.
I love the smell of rockets
You can't get that any other way
And though the music press might mock it
I'm gonna fly oh so high one day
Because the present makes me blue
It's a pleasure to invest in you
Here at this institution
You have the money and we have the skill
With your generous contribution
We can make your rocket smaller still
Because the present makes me blue
It's a pleasure to invest in you
*Ahem*
Mr van Hummel, in this wing of the facility we have the smallest space-faring rocket ever made!
Could I fit in it?
Only just. Now I must go and clear out some equipment out, so please make yourselves comfortable.
Lester I think it's simply superb that you're investing in this rocket technology.
Yeah, it's just so cutting edge.
Je ne sais quoi.
Exactly what someone like you should be doing.
Someone like me? Who is like me? Who are these people? What are they doing? They aren't investing in rockets are they?
No, I was merely speaking metaphorically, it's something that I would recommend you do if you weren't already doing it.
If you were doing something else, you should be doing this, this rocket thing.
Smouldering.
I am doing it, I've been doing it for a while now. Nothing can change the fact that I've been doing it for a while now, not all the money in the world.
It is one of the cruelties of nature.
Do you think you're better than nature??
No, certainly not! We'd never want to change that.
It's a good thing.
Certainment.
Lester tell us more about your philosophy of time!
Oh yes!
I'd love that!
Do you mind if I record it on my iPhone?
I'm going to live tweet this.
Tres bon.
Over the course of my life, Earl, I have perceived time moving in one direction, steadily forward. It inescapably provides the sense that we're building to something
which would not be the case if time moved the other way. But even the hours ... the hours, Earl! They add up til 12 or 24 ... if only they could be made to keep going!
Now Mr van Hummel, I think everything's ready - what's happened to your friends?
Ah! They have fainted.
So they have! Yes.
They couldn't handle my philosophising.
Philosophising? Oh, I'm very interested.
Yes, you see I believe that time is not circular but a set of parallel lines
each of which represents the past, the present, and the future.
And only when the three lines finally intersect can we achieve actual progress
progress of the sort that few have ever imagined -
Whatever that was, I'll take ten!
Oh I enjoyed that.
Zut alors!
Oh thank you! ... My doctor told me to always ask what's in it first.
This stuff killed Belushi!?
Bam! Right in the bloodstream.
He's still standing ...
That's good news for us.
Where was I? Ah yes, three parallel lines, and only when they finally intersect can we come to a point where progress and activity is possible.
I'm not talking about progress in terms of time moving forward, either - what are you doing?
Waiting for it to take effect.
No, don't wait, never wait! If you wait now, you will be waiting forever.
One thing I have learned is that time may be money but money isn't time, and if you wait now, you'd be waiting forever, with rockets.
Salvador!
Yes?
I am bleeding in my mouth.
Why is the rocket scientist on the floor?
If I had to guess, I'd say he's been poisoned.
Ah, the dangers of insufficient ventilation. I had a gardener who went the same way.
Lester, please listen to me, you are in grave danger. This man is trying to kill you. In fact -
- right now he appears to be building a bomb.
What, my head of security? Don't be silly. What's your name again?
Once again: you do not even know his name.
Salvador I'm getting tired of your insubordination. First the cat, now this.
If you'll excuse me we're here for a very important reason.
I'm going to go and see if I can fit into the tiny rockets that the scientists have been working so hard on.
Can we come?
Yeah, we can all go!
*TICKING*
“The scientist wants you to take this down to the basement."
Ah, paper work. You know, one day soon rockets of this size will be quite legal, but until then we cannot have a paper trail.
I don't think we'll have to worry about a paper trail for long.
*EXPLOSION*
Who are you? You ... saved my life.
Never mind, just have some of this.
My writer's block has evaporated!
So have your friends.
There's an intense ringing in my ears!
I'm quite sure that was the explosion.
Call the studio at once!
Are you going to finish your album?
My erotic thriller!
Yes, bring all the props and the equipment in here. This is the perfect place for it.
Not a volcano, not a volcano at all! A rocket!
I'll direct it myself! This calls for a celebration.
Is he dead?
No, just overstimulated.
How do we wake him up?
We don't need to wake him up. Lester is perfectly safe. We may have to keep him alive and on drugs but there is no reason to keep him conscious.
But what if Earl comes back -
You do not understand what it is like. This morning I had to convince a 30-piece orchestra to wear lycraspandex.
This evening I will probably have to bring the set of an erotic thriller to a facility that illegally manufactures tiny tiny spacefaring rockets.
This thirty seconds is the first time I've had off in three months
And if you cut them short I WILL CUT YOU.
But what if there are other assassins?
Other assassins?
Yeah, whoever sent Earl probably has others, and with this explosion they'll be here any minute to check that he's dead.
Either that or news crews.
News crews!
Don't shoot me! I won't tell anyone.
Neither will I!
I won't say anything if you don't.
... What are we talking about?
I don't know.
Now, we have to wake this man up and get him out of here. Is there any kind of scientific device that could help us with that?
I could sing him an invigorating ditty ...
Are you aware of what science is?
There's some rocket fuel in the hangar.
What? Lester's will has been changed so that his wife gets all his funding if he dies? The very funding that I have been trying to reclaim?!
How is that even legal? … Oh I see. That makes sense. Sons of bitches! You're fired! And don't you dare say thank you!
Rrrrgh! Directors, we're now going to have to keep Lester alive until we can win a legal battle.
It looks like our priorities have completely reversed. I hate when that happens!
You may go now. I'll take care of this.
Ah, that's the stuff.
What's that? Huge explosion at Lester van Hummel's last known location?
Earl!
My boy!
But no reports as to whether Lester is alive or not?
Idiots!
Alright, you stay there.
Don't touch a thing.
I'd better head down and see if I can stop him myself.
A presto!
Oh... hello.
Mi amo!
Mi Donatelletto. Pleased to meet you.
Pleasure.
Is that rocket fuel?
Si.
May I have it?
I appreciate this greatly, but I really must have that rocket fuel.
I want you to kill Lester van Hummel.
Madamina, I need him alive, for my father.
If you kill Lester van Hummel, I will become richer than the queen of Spain!
The queen of Spain?
My mother!
I never knew my mother.
And, my darling, if you kill Lester van Hummel, you can share in the riches and have all the rocket fuel you want.
All the rocket fuel I want! Can I really betray my father on account of a woman I have known for forty seconds?
Forty-five seconds?
Son? Son? Damn smart phones! You want something done right I guess you gotta do it yourself.
Son? Lester?
Assassin!!
*GUNSHOT*
Well this dream has taken a turn for the worse.
Oh dear. You're not an assassin at all, are you?
Is this the end of Donatello?
Donatello. Goddamn it.
Alright Salvador, I've made up my mind. I am going to kill Lester -
Papa!
Ahh my wounds!
Son. I die as I lived.
From a gunshot?
No!
In a rocket facility?
... On opium?
Stupid kid!
Oh Papa, I have killed you with my treachery!
Alas!... But now that he's gone, your narcotics trade is compromised.
Are you saying I can't run the family business by myself?
Because you're not wrong.
Then we need each other! And Lester van Hummel must die.
... Lester van Hummel must die.
This will symbolise his descent into madness
As she first learns his name
This scene goes after the others we filmed today
But before the one with the dancing flame
Hey Laurence!
Yo!
Hit it!
We will just do what he says
Though we think he is cray-zay
This film could be an arthouse smash
Or at least one for the résumé
That assassin hasn't tried a thing
Maybe that was all he had
But I'm nervous, look at the way he shakes
And I think that he's started twitching.
Salvador, is that orchestra around?
Yes, they're a little apprehensive
Bring me three violins
And set them on fire, we need the smoke to look expensive.
How much money, does this studio cost
Does he realise, the position he's in
I haven't seen him record a note
Is he even … is he a musician?
Look, look, he's shaking
I wonder, why Earl looks so upset
Start the fire!
I wonder, why Earl looks so upset
Start the fire!
Stop!
When I was a boy
My mother took me to a symphony
She pointed at the orchestra
And said that's where I soon would be
Earl, what are you - what are you doing?
Years and years of arpeggios
A lifetime's savings lost
Learning to transpose and play music at the
Cost of my friends, my health, my family
And all I ever wanted was a moment to be like this
With the money and the opportunity to use it
To use it! And what have you been doing for years?
Drugs! Rockets! Burning violins!
Wives! Cats! Squandering privilege!
Do you know what I would do if I were in your shoes?
I'd record fifteen albums, write concertos and blues
And a symphony! A symphony! A symphony of hate
For you! Just for you! It's never too late to die!
WHY - WON'T - YOU - DIE
Quiet on set!
Lesterrrrr!
Gunfire! Gunfire!
Donatelletto!
Uh huh?
What are you doing?
Look out!
Gunfire! Gunfire!
We shouldn't be here.
Lester van Hummel, prepare to die!
There ain't no way you're killin' this guy!
Lester van Hummel you'll pay the price
Get down, you idiot, take my advice!
Get out of the way
Oh no.
You're going to pay!
Oh no.
Who are these people?
We don't know!
Who are these people?
We don't know!
Lester, get down, get down, get down!
So many sounds! The sounds! The sounds!
Lester!
You're finished!
Gimme a minute
Lester!
You're finished!
Play a diminished chord!
I have come
To poison him
But the opportunities are slim
And this is the worst gunfight I've ever seen
But perhaps I should intervene
Because a bullet might be too good a way for him to die.
I have come
Oh no
To poison him
Oh no
But the opportunities -
We want to go
And this is the worst -
We don't want to see another one
But perhaps I should -
This is not our idea of fun
Because bullets might be -
too good a way for him to die
*GUNSHOT*
Ah! I am bleeding!
Some trouble reading -
What I am needing
Is a surgeon with the lightning hands of a saint
And one shot of morphine
And I need it before it gets too late
Oh no, don't let go
Is this the end of Donatelletto?
Did you say Donatelletto?
Are you the one who shot me?
Ohh
What have I done?
Mama!
Son!
Oh mama, to think we had to meet again like this.
My one regret is that papa could not support you enough with the narcotics trade,
and that you had to turn to the music business to survive.
My one regret is shooting you just now.
I have lost a father but gained a mother.
And a girlfriend... and potentially a whole lot of money.
Hey, I'm doing okay!
Oh Lester, you're writing music again! You're not the burnt-out husk I thought you were.
Bianca! I owe you a cat.
Although my life is empty now
At least I have you
Looks like we're returning to normality
Ah, a recovery from a malady
And it makes me feel so good
Ah, what will I do, now that I have you?
My rage at this guy has gone away
Mama, all your mortgages I am gonna pay
With the drugs that he will buy
There's so much we can do, now that I have you
That worked out oh so well
Except for Donatello, who is dead
But he had a good run
I did not kill him!
I came here to kill you and your entourage
Oh Bianca! Classic Bianca!
But the spark's back in your eye
You might not deserve to live, but you don't deserve to die
And it worked out oh so well
And although you once wanted Lester dead
You weren't the only one
I'm glad that assassin -
*GUNSHOT*
Lester van Hummel... is dead.
*ROCKET LAUNCH*
Lester, you're still alive!
I am definitely still alive.
But then... who's in the rocket?
Yes, it was the perfect plan. Fake Lester's death and get rid of that assassin with no loose ends.
...allowing us to get rich from the box-set retrospectives that we were going to release in the wake of his demise
... Yes!
Who are all you guys?
Hooray! Hooray!
*GUNSHOT*
God damn it.
Subtitles by David Ma